The man had a grief. The person has lost a loved one. What should I tell him?
Hold on!
The most frequent words that always come to mind first are
- Be strong!
- Hold on!
- Take heart!
- My condolences!
- Anything to help?
- Oh, what a horror ... Well, you hold on.
What else to say? There is nothing to console, we will not return the loss. Hold on, friend! Further, it is also not clear what to do - either to support this topic (what if the person is so much more hurt by continuing the conversation), or to change to a neutral one ...
These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the lost person life stopped and time stopped, but for the rest - life goes on, but how else? It’s scary to hear about our grief, but our life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with the loss, the desperate "Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?"
We must rejoice!
The second group of valuable advice to the grieving person is much worse than all these endless "hold on!"
- "You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!"
- "Do you know how many barren women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!"
- “He’s finally exhausted! How he suffered here and that's it - he doesn't suffer anymore! "
I can't be happy. This will be confirmed by everyone who buried their beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Mother Adriana (Malysheva) left at 90. She was more than once by a hair's breadth from death, all the last year she was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to pick her up as soon as possible. All her friends saw her not so often - a couple of times a year at best. Most had only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we became orphaned ...
Death is not worth rejoicing at all.
Death is the worst and worst evil.
And Christ defeated her, but for now we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.
By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice at death - he cried when he heard about the death of Lazarus and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.
And “death is a gain” - said the Apostle Paul about himself, and not about others “for ME, life is Christ, and death is gain”.
You are strong!
- How he holds up!
- How strong she is!
- You are strong, you endure everything so courageously ...
If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry at the funeral, does not groan or be killed, but is calm and smiling, he is not strong. He is undergoing even the most severe stress phase. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress passes, he felt a little better.
There is such an accurate description in the Sokolov-Mitrich report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:
“Several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives were traveling with us. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance made them doubt their involvement in the tragedy: they smiled. And when we had to push the busted bus, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like the collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. "Are you from the Committee of Soldiers' Mothers?" I asked. "No, we are relatives."
On the evening of the same day, I met military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of the victims at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a grief-stricken person is called “unconscious psychological defense”. On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, entering the cabin, rejoiced like a child: “Well, at least I’m flying in the plane. And then I sit all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don't see the white light! " This means that the uncle was very bad.
- We are going to Sasha Ruzlev ... Senior midshipman ... 24 years old, second compartment, - after the word “compartment” the women burst into tears. - And this is his father, he lives here, he is also a submariner, he sailed all his life. The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. But don't ask him about anything, please. "
Are there those who hold up well and don't dive into this black and white world of grief? I do not know. But if a person "holds on", then, most likely, he needs and will need spiritual and psychological support for a long time. All the hardest things may lie ahead.
Orthodox arguments
- Thank God, now you have a guardian angel in heaven!
- Your daughter is now an angel, hurray, she is in the Kingdom of Heaven!
- Your wife is now closer to you than ever!
I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend's daughter. A non-church colleague was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who was burnt out from leukemia: “Imagine, she chanted with such a hard plastic voice - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a beautiful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day! "
The thing here is that we, believers, really see that it is not "when" that matters, but "how." We believe (and only live by this) that sinless children and adults who live well will not be deprived of God's mercy. That it is scary to die without God, but with God nothing is scary. But this is our, in a sense, theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing loss himself can tell a lot of all that theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. "Closer than ever" - this is not felt, especially at first. Therefore, here I want to say, "can you please, as usual, so that everything was?"
In the months that have passed since the death of my husband, by the way, I have not heard these "Orthodox consolations" from any priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how hard, how difficult. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world went black and white What sorrow. I have not heard a single “finally you have a personal angel”.
Probably, only a person who has gone through grief can say about this. I was told how Matushka Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried her two most beautiful sons in a year, Archpriest Theodore and Vladyka Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there. " But only she herself could say that.
Time cures?
Probably, over time, this wound with meat through the whole soul heals a little. I don't know yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is near, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone has their own life - how else? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. Not. The first weeks are not the most difficult. As a wise man who survived a loss told me, after forty days you only gradually understand what place the departed one occupied in your life and soul. In a month it ceases to seem that now you will wake up and everything will be the same. That this is just a business trip. You realize that you won't come back here, that you won't be here anymore.
It is at this time that support, presence, attention, work is needed. And just the one who will listen to you.
It will not work to console. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the deceased. And the Lord can also comfort.
And what can I say?
In fact, it is not so important what to say to the person. What matters is whether you have experience of suffering or not.
The point is this. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.
Sympathy - it is we who sympathize with the person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And in fact, we cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is suitable here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this still does not give us the right to tell the mother who buried her son: "I understand you." If we do not have such experience, then your words for a person will most likely have no meaning. Even if he listens to you out of politeness, the background will be the thought - "But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?"
And here empathy - this is when you feel compassion for a person and KNOW what he is going through. The mother who buried the child feels empathy, compassion, reinforced by experience for another mother who buried the child. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly - here is a living person who also experienced this. To whom it is bad, as well as me.
Therefore, it is very important to arrange for a person to meet with those who can show empathy for him. Not an intentional meeting: "But Aunt Masha, she also lost a child!" Unobtrusive. Carefully tell that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many online support forums for people experiencing loss. There is less on the Runet, more on the English-speaking Internet - those who have experienced or are going through gather there. Being with them will not ease the pain of loss, but it will support them.
Help from a good priest who has a loss experience or just a great life experience. The help of a psychologist, most likely, will also be needed.
Pray a lot for the deceased and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. It is possible for the person himself to offer to travel around the temples together in order to serve magpies around and pray around, read the Psalter.
If you were familiar with the deceased, remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed ... Actually, for this there are also commemorations - remembering a person, talking about him. “Do you remember, once we met at a bus stop, and you just returned from a honeymoon trip”….
Listen a lot, calmly and for a long time. Not comforting. Not encouraging, not asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times. Listen. Just help with housework, with children, with chores. Talk about everyday topics. Be next to.
P.P.S. If you have experience with grief, loss, we will add your advice, stories and help others at least a little.
Hearing
The main thing is to let the person speak out. You should not be afraid of the stream of revelations and fall into a panic: no one demands from you an intense activity and an immediate solution to all problems. It is also better to leave questions, advice and universal wisdom for later: at this stage, a person just needs to know that he is not alone, that they hear him, they sincerely sympathize with him.
To listen does not mean to freeze like an idol and be silent until the very end of the monologue. This behavior is more like indifference. It is possible and even necessary to show "signs of life" in order to comfort a loved one: say "Yes", "I understand you," sometimes repeating words or phrases that seemed key - all this will show that you really care. And at the same time it will help to collect thoughts: both to the interlocutor, and, by the way, to yourself.
This is a gesture
There is a simple set of gestures to help sympathizers. An open posture (no arms crossed on the chest), a slightly bowed head (preferably at the same level as the head of the person you are listening to), understanding nods, an approving chuckle in time with the conversation, and open palms are subconsciously perceived as a sign of attention and participation. When it comes to a loved one with whom you are used to maintaining bodily contact, soothing touching and stroking will not interfere. If the speaker falls into hysterics, and this also often happens, then one of the options to calm him down is to hug him tightly. By doing this, you will kind of inform him: I am near, I accept you, you are safe.
It is better not to experiment with unfamiliar people with regard to bodily contact: first, you yourself may feel uncomfortable; secondly, such behavior can alienate a person with tight personal space. You should also be very careful if you are facing a victim of physical abuse.
No change
You can't get hung up on stress, many of us believe. “Pull yourself together!”, “Find a reason for joy” - this is the standard set of phrases that the culture of global positivity and lightness of being drives into our heads. Alas, all these attitudes in 90 out of 100 cases have the opposite effect and do not help at all to comfort a person with words. Having piously believed that we must look for advantages in everything, we learn not to work on the problem, but to overwhelm it with a mass of conditionally positive experiences. As a result, the problem does not disappear anywhere, and it becomes more and more difficult to return to it and try to solve it every day.
If a person constantly returns to the same topic, then stress is still making itself felt. Let him talk as much as necessary (provided that you yourself can withstand this process). See how it gets easier? Fine. You can slowly change the subject.
If specifically
With what words to comfort a person? Often, someone in trouble feels like a social outcast - it seems to him that his misfortunes are unique and no one cares about his experiences. The phrase "Is there anything I can do to help?" seems banal and insipid, but nevertheless it is she who shows your willingness to share the problem and be in the same boat with the victim. Better yet, offer something specific: “Do you want me to come to you right now and we will discuss everything?”, “Dictate the list of what you need - I’ll bring you during the day”, “Now I’ll call all the lawyers I know (doctors, psychologists), maybe what they will advise "or simply" Come at any time. " And even if the answer is an irritated grumbling in the style of "Don't, I'll figure it out myself," the very desire to help will have a positive effect.
Help should be offered only if you are really ready for exploits, waste of time, money and emotions. Do not overestimate your strengths, promising what you cannot do, in the end it will only get worse.
Under supervision
Assurances like “Don't touch me, leave me alone, I want to be alone” often speak not so much about the desire to cope with the situation alone, as about excessive obsession with the problem and, unfortunately, a state close to panic. Therefore, leaving alone for a long time is strictly not recommended. Is that for an extremely limited period of time, while being close and keeping your finger on the pulse.
Quite often the mood “to withdraw into oneself” provokes excessive curiosity of those around, sometimes even not at all close, their excessive pity, protective attitude. Nobody likes it. Therefore, when you see someone in front of you in such a state, you should moderate the level of your feelings and sympathy (at least external) and make it clear that you are not going to teach him about life or press with authority, but you sincerely want to help.
He she
We used to think that a woman is an emotionally unstable creature and is always prone to a hysterical reaction, and a man is strong and stable by default, so he is able to cope with stress alone. However, this is not entirely true.
Recent research by scientists shows that a socially isolated man tolerates stress much worse than a woman left alone: \u200b\u200bhe is more prone to withdrawal and depression (and even girls' immunity increases in force majeure situations!). And the problem that we, emotional, will survive and still forget, can torment the male brain for a long time. Psychologists believe that such a protracted reaction is a consequence of the fact that boys are taught from childhood to be silent and to monitor their reputation more than their state of psychological comfort.
A man needs consolation, but actions rather than words will bring him. How to comfort a loved one? Your arrival, a delicious dinner, an unobtrusive attempt to stir up will work much better than verbal confessions. In addition, active behavior of someone nearby brings men to themselves. And also make it clear that he will not hurt to speak out and you do not see anything wrong with that.
Rescue helpers
Sometimes we are so addicted to saving drowning people that it becomes an obsession. What, by the way, the victim himself condones: having got used to your readiness to listen, he, without realizing it, turns into your personal energy vampire and begins to dump all negative emotions onto your fragile shoulders. If this goes on for too long, you yourself will soon need help.
By the way, for some people, the opportunity to help someone turns into a way to get away from their own problems. This is absolutely not worth allowing - sooner or later there is a risk of coming to a full-fledged nervous breakdown.
If after long and, as it seems to you, therapeutic conversations, you feel squeezed out like a lemon, fatigue, sleep disturbances, irritability appear - you should slow down a little. In this state, you are unlikely to help anyone, but you can easily harm yourself.
Depression
We like to use the diagnosis "depression" with or without reason. And although only a specialist can diagnose this disease, there are still general signs, with the manifestation of which you need to urgently seek qualified help. It:
Apathy, sadness, predominance of a bad mood;
Loss of strength, motor retardation or, conversely, nervous fussiness;
Slow speech, long pauses, freezing in place;
Decreased concentration of attention;
Loss of interest in habitually joyful things and events;
Loss of appetite;
Insomnia;
Decreased sex drive.
At least a couple of symptoms from the above - and you really should find a good psychotherapist for the victim.
Text: Daria Zelentsova
During the day, a person experiences many feelings, emotions, some of which we can control, and some are extremely difficult to give in to it. How to cope with uncontrollable emotions that went beyond the usual behavior and emotional state of a person, such as hysteria, despair, emotional breakdown? How can you help a person when he is in a state of hysteria or complete despair?
In moments like this, it is very important that someone is close to the person experiencing such powerful emotions.
The first thing to do is when a person is already immersed in a state of hysteria, longing, sadness, it's just hug him, firmly and with love, because it is very difficult for a person now. And at this moment words are not needed, sit like this until emotions subside.
Then carefully, without interrupting, listen to the person, sincerely show interest in his problem, enter into his position. It is necessary for the person to speak out, as if speaking his problem, with details. During the conversation, emotions may rage again, a second wave of tantrum, but be patient, soothing again.
During the conversation, the person is still on the verge of breakdown and therefore choose your words carefully so as not to hurt nor than this raging "volcano" of emotions. Such phrases as "Be higher", "Yes, these are such trifles" or "Get together!" leave them for later, they can only make a person feel ashamed of his condition. He will understand that his behavior has gone beyond the bounds of decency, and will roll his problem inward, which should not be allowed in such situations.
There are two options: either not to bring yourself to such states, or if this has already happened, to completely let this state manifest itself, coming out. Therefore, the best option would be to calmly listen to your friend, occasionally agreeing with him and completely entering into his position, into the situation in which he found himself. So he will gradually calm down. Do not pretend to be indifferent, try to understand, because you could be in his place in the same situation, and you would also want warmth and attention at such moments.
Perhaps your interlocutor will need help, advice, therefore ask if you can help him in this situation... Sometimes it's enough just to be with this person.
After such an emotional outburst help the person get back to normal by distracting them from the problem... If possible, go to nature together, cook something special, watch a comedy.
Such emotional states are very draining of a person's morale, your task is to support and help restore balance. Sometimes it's hard for one to cope with oneself.
Sometimes, hysteria goes far and lasts more than an hour. What to do in such situations?
Start asking distracting simple questions, the person will begin to answer them little by little, turn on logical thinking and, thereby, lower his emotional outburst. This quickly relieves affective tension and leads to a sober assessment of the situation.
With prolonged hysterics, which can last for hours and lead almost to a physical fainting, sometimes extreme measures must be used.
In such cases, you can try to bring the person back to their senses in a harsh way - to slap in the face, jerk the hand sharply, or do something similar. It will be a bit of a shock to him, but it will help distract him from the state into which he has plunged so deeply. This will bring the person "to the surface" for a while and help regain self-control over himself.
It is here that it is necessary to force a person to speak out his condition, problem, situation in which he finds himself. Further, support, as described above, and help find a solution to the problem or a way out of this situation.
Sometimes, a person reaches a dead end and begins to fight from powerlessness, finding no way out. But a look "from the outside" of another person can easily find him. Tell the person or share your conjectures about this, and then the interlocutor himself will be able to cope.
What shouldn't you do in such situations?
First, at such times it is inappropriate to teach, instruct or lecture a person: "I told you that you need to be wary of him / you need to be careful / you can't do that." This will only awaken the feeling of guilt in him, which will aggravate his situation and aggravate the condition.
Secondly, after listening to the story of the interlocutor, you should not mention your problem, which seems to you similar to yours. ... This turns the conversation into a different direction, transferring to yourself, youdisregard the upset person. There is no need to compare problems, assess the situation, diminish the significance of what happened or, on the contrary, exaggerate the scale of what happened. Yes, our problems are all similar in their essence, but nevertheless they have their own characteristics and they should not be equated one size fits all. It is better to try to understand a friend's situation and advise based on the collected data.
And finally, one more little piece of advice for those who find themselves next to a person in an emotional state.
Don't let yourself sink into the same state... Entering the interlocutor's position does not mean adopting his emotional state, but simply trying to understand his position. It is not a secret that emotions are transmitted, but try not to get involved in them, otherwise you will not be able to help your interlocutor by entering the same state. Be carefull.
By following our advice, you will help your interlocutor quickly calm down and start thinking constructively to solve the problem.
We all know how hard it is to find yourself in a situation where you need to comfort someone, but the right words are not found.
Fortunately, more often than not, people do not expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, with the help of such phrases: "I know that it is very difficult for you now", "I am sorry that it is so difficult for you." So you will make it clear that you really see what it is like for a loved one now.
2. Confirm that you understand these feelings.
But be careful, do not pull all the attention to yourself, do not try to prove that it was even worse for you. Briefly mention that you have also found yourself in a similar situation before, and ask in more detail about the state of the person you are comforting.
3. Help a loved one understand the problem
Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, at first he just needs to speak out. This is especially true for women.
So wait to suggest solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting to sort out their feelings. Indeed, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by telling others about them. Answering your questions, the interlocutor can himself find some solutions, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and just feel relieved.
Here are some phrases and questions that you can use in this case:
- Tell me what happened.
- Tell me what's bothering you.
- What led to this?
- Help me understand how you feel.
- What scares you the most?
At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word "why", they are too similar to condemnation and will only anger the interlocutor.
4. Do not minimize the suffering of the interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh
When we are faced with the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what we ourselves feel is trifle can often upset others. Therefore, do not minimize the other person's suffering.
What if someone is really worried about a trifle? Ask if there is any data that disagrees with his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. It is very important here to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, without this it may seem too aggressive.
5. Offer physical support if appropriate
Sometimes people do not want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.
Your actions should correspond to the usual behavior with this or that person. If you are not too close, placing your hand on your shoulder or hugging slightly will be enough. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.
Remember not to be too zealous when comforting: your partner may take it for flirting and be offended.
6. Suggest ways to solve the problem
If the person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your concerns, the other person will feel relieved.
Ask if you can do something else. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often it does, offer to go to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.
If you need your advice, ask first if the other person has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who himself is in a disputable situation. If the person you are comforting is vague about what can be done in their situation, help develop specific steps. If he doesn't know what to do at all, suggest your options.
If a person is sad not because of a particular event, but because of his, immediately move on to discussing specific actions that can help. Or offer to do something like going for a walk together. Excessive thinking not only will not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.
7. Promise to continue supporting
At the end of the conversation, be sure to mention again that you understand how difficult it is for a loved one now, and that you are ready to continue to support him in everything.
A PHOTO Getty Images
“My friend was very upset when her husband left the family,” says Elena. - She depended on him both emotionally and financially, and to support her, I tried to help her find a job. I persuaded my friends to take her for a trial period, it seemed to me that a new lesson would help her get out of the state of emotional numbness. However, she was hostile to my efforts. " “This is an obvious example of what a sincere desire to help can lead to,” says social psychologist Olga Kabo. - It is likely that the friend at that moment needed not active suggestions, but silent sympathy. And effective help with work would probably be useful a little later. " Researchers at the University of Louisville name two main forms of behavior in people seeking to calm someone down. The first assumes specific support and psychological assistance in resolving the problem, the second comes down, rather, to tacit sympathy and remind "everything goes away, this will go away too." “These two dissimilar strategies can work equally well for different people,” says psychologist Beverly Flaxington. - The only problem is that we often, for various reasons, choose the one that is not suitable for a particular situation. A person perceives our words as false and insensitive. And we understand that we not only did not help, but, it seems, upset him even more. " Psychologists admit that choosing the right words for comfort is not easy.
What is (always) worth considering?
- How well do you know the person and understand their problem?
- Human temperament
- His ability to deal with the problem on his own
- The depth of his experiences
- The need, from your point of view, professional psychological help
One of the factors in how we perceive external support is also a sense of self-confidence. A study by the University of Waterloo (Canada) 1 showed that people with low self-confidence are more likely to reject attempts by loved ones to help them find a more optimistic and constructive view of things. And this distinguishes them from those who are more confident and, as a result, open to rethink what happened and start acting. Obviously, you will be more helpful to less confident people if you just stay there and share their experiences, without any attempts to change the view of the situation or simply distract from it. But for people with a sufficiently high level of confidence, your active support would be more effective. Understanding the needs of another person does not happen overnight - it takes time to get to know and understand him well. There are also existential problems that it is important for a person to face and cope with on their own. There are people who currently do not feel the need for attention and prefer solitude. At the same time, psychologists identify a number of rules that should be followed if a loved one is in trouble.
Strategies to remember
Be there. Sometimes words lose all meaning. And the best thing you can do is just be there. Call, invite to visit, to a cafe or for a walk. Be in touch, while not making your presence intrusive. “Just try to always stay within the reach of your loved one,” suggests social psychologist Olga Kabo. - It seems to us that this is negligible, just respond to calls and be ready to listen. But for your loved one it is a great support. "
Listen. Many of us find it difficult to open up. Be patient and support your loved one the moment they are ready to talk. “When a person begins to speak, encourage them with a few phrases,” advises Olga Kabo. - If tactile contact is important to him, you can take his hand. After that, don't interrupt and just listen. Do not give any ratings or advice - just be attentive to the words. Your interlocutor needs to get rid of the burden of negative emotions, and a frank story about what happened, about your feelings and experiences is the first step to recovery. "
Be delicate. Of course, you have your own point of view. However, it may be important for the person to speak out. And if your thoughts go against the way he currently sees and experiences the situation, it will cause him even more pain. It is possible that your constructive (as you think!) Advice may come in handy. But not now, but when the acute period has passed and your loved one will be able to relate to what is happening more sensibly and balanced. Let him know that you will be there and support any decision. “You can help the person look at the problem from a different angle by asking questions. It is important that they remain neutral: "What does this mean for you?", "What would you like (want) to do next?" and, of course, "Can I help you with something?"
Be positive. Remember, right now a loved one needs your support, which means that it is important that you have emotional resources to help. As you empathize, don't let the despair and hopelessness in which the other person may be overwhelming you. It is worth thinking and acting like doctors. Try to outline the distance between your life and what happened to your loved one. Think: yes, what happened is hard. But he needs time to live and accept the situation in which he is immersed. You look at her from the outside and therefore keep a more sober look.
1 D. Marigold et al. "You can" t always give what you want: the challenge of providing social support to low self-esteem individuals ", Journal of Personality and social psychology, July, 2014.