Secular people are so accustomed to looking for acquaintances with them that

anyone who avoids them seems to them a curiosity and completely captures their attention.

Marcel Proust. Guermantes

Ignoring as a personality trait is a tendency to deliberately ignore, ignore a person, information, facts.

One young man rode in a shiny new "Jaguar" in a great mood, humming some melody. Suddenly he saw children sitting by the road. After he, having carefully passed them, was about to pick up speed again, he suddenly heard a stone hit the car. The young man stopped the car, got out of it and, grabbing one of the boys by the collar, began to shake him with a shout: - Brat! Why the hell did you throw a stone at my car! Do you know how much this car costs ?!

Forgive me - the boy answered. “I had no intention of harming you or your car. The fact is that my brother is disabled, he fell out of the wheelchair, but I cannot lift him, he is too heavy for me. We have been asking for help for several hours, but not a single car has stopped. I had no choice but to throw a stone, otherwise you would not have stopped either.

The young man helped to seat the disabled person in a chair, trying to hold back the tears and suppress the lump in his throat. Then he went to his car and saw a dent in a shiny new door, left over from a stone. He drove this car for many years, and every time he said "no" to the mechanics when asked to repair this dent on the door, because every time it reminded him that if you ignored people, a stone would fly at you.

Ignoring - pretending to Madrid, that you have a veil in front of your eyes. Deliberate not seeing, not remarking and not communicating, such as your subscriber temporarily does not like you.

In dictionaries, it is usually interpreted as a type of people's relationship to each other, a method of influencing a person in order to control his behavior, consisting in inattention, neglect, non-recognition of him, his actions and words. Ignoring in education is used as a method of punishment for misconduct, as a method of excommunication, alienation of a person from communicating with significant people, from participating in significant affairs. Children perceive the influence of this method very painfully, therefore, it is impossible to use it for a long time: “This is the most offensive - when they do not pay attention to you. Honestly, it would be better if they swore. " (Max Fry)

In a word, ignoring is one of the most involved ways of protecting a person from circumstances, as well as a way of punishing another person, that is, one of the types of emotional abuse.

- Doctor, everyone ignores me! - Next! Ignoring - avoiding through a decision made - not paying attention: - I can't see you point-blank! For example, a girl, for some reason, “does not notice” a guy.

Summer, sea, south ... The guy has just arrived, is walking along the beach and, oh-pa, sees a naked girl sunbathing. The guy is seized with tetanus: his eyes widen, his jaw drops, saliva flowed, his lip rolled out. The girl relaxedly raises her head: - New? - Aha! - So I haven't given you yet? - Nope ... The girl adds a combination of three fingers: - ON!

Why confront something if you can ignore it? Excessive ignorance can lead to indifference. It is dangerous to keep your distance from problems. Avoidance in the form of ignorance is good in moderation. It is necessary sometime to make decisions on how to react to the problem. For example, the father's constant ignorance of domestic problems - at first because of fatigue, and then out of habit, but they no longer bother him, "let his wife figure it out."

An amazing phenomenon: a person, completely ignoring his problems, spends as much energy on self-justification as if he were really solving the problems that have arisen. Ignoring the laws of the universe always ends in sadness. I do not recommend joking with objective laws that do not depend on our will and consciousness.

They say that laziness is a fear stretched out over time. And the reason for this fear can be justification. There is such a phrase - "Only a loafer could get tired so much." People call such states: "tired of living", "life has become a burden", "I carry a load on my shoulders", etc. The little box opens simply: there is an equal sign between the energy of action and the energy of justification . A person who justifies his inaction gets tired in the same way as the person who solved the problem. In order to keep excuses in your mind, you need to spend an equal amount of energy with real action to solve the problem. With this explanation, it becomes clear why fatigue accompanies laziness. Laziness is a form of accumulated fatigue due to the expenditure of energy in maintaining one's own excuses. The lazy, that is, the justifying person, faces a choice - either action or justification. The need for choice is fearful. The importance that a person sees in the problem only increases the fear. If you take away excuses from laziness, then, even scary to say, you will have to make decisions and act.

How appropriate is ignoring? Psychologist Alena Voronets writes: “For example, the mother-in-law answered her daughter-in-law's question somehow rudely. It is worth considering whether this is typical behavior or whether the person was tired, irritated and out of control. If the latter, then why focus attention on this and respond with aggression to aggression. It would be wiser to ignore rudeness. But if this is the norm for the aforementioned mother-in-law and she deliberately leads to conflict, then there is a place for a problematic situation that needs to be resolved for normal communication to be possible. Serious problems are strongly discouraged from ignoring. Moving away from them, you will not be able to find a solution, which means that they will remain and over time will become overgrown with unnecessary, even more contaminating facts.

The same mother-in-law, for some reason dissatisfied with her daughter-in-law, will continue to use rudeness, involve other members of the family circle in the conflict, until the daughter-in-law's forces come to naught. As a result, a grandiose scandal or, what is worse, the daughter-in-law's quiet fading due to fear of a frank conversation and a solution to the problem with her mother-in-law. The reason for ignoring serious problems can be a banal fear: fear of failure, fear of losing time and money to solve the problem. "

Ignoring is one of the types of not listening. You can actively listen and hear a person, you can pretend that you are listening, you can listen with a pretense, or you can simply ignore, that is, turn a deaf ear, interrupt, taunt, ridicule. Hearing with disregard is disrespect and ignorance. A person does not see a personality in another person, he rejects it in advance.

A person who ignores spiritual reality shows one-sidedness and superficial thinking. If there is matter, then there is also antimatter. Ignoring spiritual reality greatly interferes with embarking on the path of spiritual development in time. This is a bold minus of ignoring.

Petr Kovalev

Learning to ignore people who only cause negative emotions is easy enough. However, there is no need to rush. Think if you will regret your decision, because there may not be a chance to take back the words. Consider the goal of ignoring, be honest with yourself. Maybe you just want to attract the attention of certain people?

If you become the object of ridicule, try to react to them in a different way. Restrain your embarrassment or anger, and act like the comment is not about you. There is another way: calmly agree with all his barbs. In any case, do not show that you are hurt. The abuser will probably stop and you won't have to ignore him.

Keep in mind: you only need to ignore when you want to completely free yourself from unpleasant people, as if you have never met.

What if annoying acquaintances need attention?

So, you have weighed everything carefully and still believe that ignoring is your option. If people with whom you do not want to communicate are familiar with you superficially, then

• look them in the eyes as little as possible, when you look - do not smile.
• keep away from these people, while passing by - do not linger.
• do something else. If you read a book or, wearing headphones, listen to music, the chances that you will be disturbed are less than your face will be bored, and your eyes will look first in one direction, then in the other.
• take the necessary action on social media.

If you dislike one of the employees, limit yourself to discussing business issues.

It may also happen that you want to ignore old friends. In this case, we advise you to talk in confidence. Maybe they found themselves in a difficult situation? It is likely that you will understand each other, and the relationship will become the same.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. When you find yourself in the center of a real conflict, which has the only way out - ignorance, tell your former friends directly about it.

Remember: you have to be straightforward but polite. Do not be ironic, be serious, so that your words are not mistaken for a mockery or a childish whim.

You don't have to wait for your former friends to immediately agree with you, and you will peacefully part. You will probably need a lot of patience to completely exclude these people from life. Don't answer their calls and messages. Do they write hurtful things to you? Don't give in. Otherwise, you will not get rid of the tension, but intensify it. If this does not work, tell them that you will complain to the appropriate authorities. Let the people unpleasant to you understand that you are determined.

Try to discuss the situation only with loved ones. By attracting strangers, you risk becoming the center of a whole epic. Answer the questions succinctly, and gradually they will disappear.

Ignoring people is an extreme measure. Let it be expressed not only by words, but also by actions, therefore:

• avoid potential meeting points (for example, a stop where you often saw each other, or a favorite café). If you do collide, limit yourself to a nod of your head. Stop, ask "How are you?" would be overkill. We also do not recommend folding if you have already been seen. Be calm and dignified.
• ask mutual friends not to invite you to the same events (except for a large-scale event like graduation or wedding, when you don't have to talk to every one of three hundred people).
• think about what else unites you, and protect yourself as much as possible from unnecessary communication.

Keep in mind that it is equally important to expel the unpleasant people from your own head. This is not easy if they played a significant role in your life before. In order not to be distracted by memories, load yourself with things, not just a routine, but something interesting. Buy a collection of poems that you have long wanted to read, try to cook a new dish, go to the zoo. New impressions will not be long in coming!

It has been noticed that clearing the mind, sometimes in an amazing way, transforms an unpleasant situation or removes a person from your life, or the relationship is established naturally.

Ignoring and unrequited love.

The sphere of personal relationships is special. Unfortunately, it is more difficult to ignore a person who aroused great hopes (and, as it turned out, in vain) than to delete from the number of friends on VKontakte. Therefore, the techniques listed below may only work partially. Time will help with the rest.

• do not blame yourself for falling in love with the “wrong” person.
• tune in to distance: reduce the number of meetings, calls, messages. If you are going to the theater, cinema or on a holiday, invite other people to company.
• don't run away from new acquaintances. Just don't forget about sincerity! Entering into a relationship specifically so that the past disappears from your head, or dating “in spite” of an unfortunate past is not worth it. Concentrate only on whether you are interested in a new person or not.

The situation is easier if the object of your feelings is from unfamiliar people, with whom you have never spoken and only greeted twice. Avoid possible meetings and as soon as you notice that you are mentally returning to him, distract yourself (see the last paragraph of the 3rd point).

How to learn to ignore a person if the opposite situation has developed (you yourself became the object of your feelings)?

• do not accept gifts, whatever their price.
• Communicate actively with other members of the opposite sex. You can just pretend, the main thing is that the person unpleasant to you sees it. His confidence will immediately diminish.
• be persistent in rejection. A person should understand that your dry answers are not at all coquetry and not a sign of a bad mood.

What if they ignore you?

Suddenly you realized that a friend or loved one is gradually disappearing from your life. Maybe you yourself gave him a reason - forgot about the promise, caused jealousy, did not congratulate him on an important event? Admit your guilt and try to correct the mistake. In the latter case, buy a gift and a postcard. Sure, congratulations are good on time, but late attention is better than nothing. One way or another, you must show that you are sincerely sorry and that friendship with this person is very important to you.

If you are sure that you have not done anything wrong, talk to him. Be careful with reproaches and other negativity, because this will only increase the problem. The person to whom you are dear will not miss the chance to bring you back into his life.

There are other ways to ignore a person, but remember that solving a problem is always preferable to avoiding it.

Good luck!

You love. But the guy who carried you in his arms just recently stopped sending gentle messages every five minutes, calling in the middle of the day to find out how you are doing, and yesterday he was completely late for a date. Girlfriends convince you that ignoring is the best way to tie the person you like to you.

Before deciding on such steps, think about what result you need. Do you want attention and Shakespearean passions? Or do you need a reliable person you can rely on? Perhaps right now you are eager to prove to everyone that you can twist guys no worse than Ira, whose fans no one can even count?

Passions "burn out" quickly, often leaving painful marks in the soul, and many fans do not give a feeling of happiness and love. And a person who is confident in his and your feelings will not report serious intentions five times a day. He understands that you can talk in the evening, in a calm atmosphere, and in the event of force majeure, you will turn to him, and if you do not call in tears, then everything is in order. Mutual confidence is part of a mature relationship.

Dasha drew attention to a new colleague at a seminar organized by the company for employees in one of the Turkish hotels. Deciding to outshine everyone with a beautiful even tan at the evening banquet, she carefully smeared with cream and went to the beach. When she returned to her room, she found herself covered in spots like a cheetah - the tube turned out to be self-tanning. There was no question of going to the event.

The next day, a pretty colleague approached her himself and asked why she was not there. He was pretty tired over the evening from the attempts to flirt with the entire female part of the team, and he singled out Dasha from the crowd only because she did not try to attract his attention.

Ignoring a man is necessary when he is too used to female attention. Dasha did not plan such an option in advance, in this case the situation developed naturally and naturally, which only enhanced the effect.

Ignore will be effective if your man is a hunter by nature.

He will put all his efforts into achieving the goal, winning, conquering. Then interest fades away, the result does not bother him much. This feature can be determined quickly: he launches a project day and night at work, but a week after the success he has already started something new. Or as a child, he devoted a lot of time and effort to training in sabots, but after winning the city competition, he abruptly gave up classes. As soon as such a man realizes that he has conquered you, indifference will replace his feelings. In this case, you need to strictly follow the chosen tactics, be sure to take pauses. Light flirting with men is quite admissible - competition is a very powerful incentive for such a person. The main thing is to keep within the bounds of decency - he will not forgive an offended sense of ownership.

The basic principle of the ignore

You have already understood that before using ignore, you need to arouse the interest of a man. Look how children do it - they are born psychologists. A little girl came to the playground where other children are playing. They don't pay attention to her, then she, seeing a big beetle, says loudly: "I'm afraid!" And that's it, it's done! Half of the boys immediately runs to scare her with beetles, the other half protects her. Then she turns around and goes to the swing, the boys throw the bugs and start arguing about who will swing her.

Give the man the opportunity to be strong, smart and courageous: ask a colleague to explain the scheme to you, ask for advice on car maintenance, ask to accompany you from the party, because it’s too late. Ask for help on little things several times, thank you, be sure to tell me how you liked the result. And then abruptly and without comment, stop these requests, politely greet at the meeting, but do not enter into a conversation, apologizing sweetly, agreed on many things. But keep him confident in your sympathies, smile and look in the eyes. You will see, he himself will start looking for a reason to attract your attention. It is best to use blackout after successful flirting, perhaps even at the beginning of a romantic relationship.

If you hurry, you can frighten off the man with your indifference.

Hidden threat

Ignore tactics can be great results, but they must be used very carefully. You must understand that this is a type of manipulation. A man will be interested in you, but this does not mean that sympathy and love will automatically appear. Painful attachment that turns into addiction can take their place. A man, artificially deprived of freedom of choice, can become obsessive, suspicious and even aggressive. Both of you will suffer in such a situation, and a happy end will not be the result of the relationship will not bring happiness. Be careful if you are trying to improve an existing relationship with ignore. Indifference does not intrigue close people, but hurts painfully.

You have already figured out in which cases it is worth using such a technique as ignoring a man, studied the "pitfalls" and are ready to act.
Be gentle, sweet and polite if you refuse to meet him. Be sure to express your sincere regret that this is the case.

You can't refuse all the time - the man will decide that he is not interesting to you. It is better to refuse the meeting several times, and reschedule a couple of times at a time convenient for you. You can agree to a date, but at the last moment, call and apologize, referring to the change in plans.

It's important that the date you agree to is initiated by the man. But pay close attention to detail. If you are going on a country walk, take food with you: bake pies or just cut sandwiches. To walk around the city, make an approximate route and find out a couple of interesting facts about streets, houses, monuments, or come up with a funny story "from life" that will revive the conversation. You should not go to the theater or cinema on first dates - there will be no opportunity to communicate. An exception may be the option to visit a cafe or restaurant during the evening. Then you will have one more convenient topic for communication and exchange of impressions. The date that you give a man with the tactics of ignoring should be very bright, memorable and unusual.

On dates during this period, you cannot be sarcastic or capricious. A man must see all the positive character traits of the one that he has been striving for for so long.

By using the ignore strategy correctly, you can get the perfect relationship. Remember that this is a delicate and complex process that will require an iron willpower from you. And if you want to attract the attention of a nice, but timid and shy guy, you'd better choose a different path.

Finally - an unusual technique

Let's do a thought experiment.

Imagine that you have the super ability to "read" men. Like Sherlock Holmes: she looked at a man - and immediately you know everything about him and understand what is on his mind. You would be able to get any man and have an ideal relationship and you would hardly be reading this article right now in search of a solution to your problem.

And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you will not read other people's thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.

We advise you to pay attention to the master class from Nadezhda Mayer. She is a PhD in Psychology, and her methodology has helped many girls to have perfect relationships and feel loved.

If you're interested, you can sign up for a free webinar. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 places specifically for visitors to our site.

Ignoring a person - emotional abuse and more

July 2, 2016 - 4 comments

In psychology, there is a phenomenon that we call "ignoring a person." How can psychological neglect manifest itself in communication between people? Is complete disregard for a person emotional abuse?

Ignoring is a multifaceted phenomenon. Therefore, the answers to these questions will be ambiguous.

Reasons for ignoring a person

Let us consider the reasons for ignoring a person from the point of view of the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. Groups of innate desires and mental properties are called vectors, there are eight of them. Each vector sets its owner the ability for certain types of activity, its own type of thinking and value system.

Such a psychological technique as ignoring a person is used by people with different vectors in different ways. Ignoring can have various reasons and motivations. Sometimes it’s resentment or just disinterest. They can also ignore a person in order to teach a lesson, make fun of, just torment. Let's consider each case.

It is necessary to clarify that ignoring can also be a lack of interest in people in principle. This happens to the owner of the sound vector, because subconsciously he feels himself “above everyone else”. In addition, the sound engineer is so immersed in himself that he simply does not see those around him. He is busy thinking about the meaning of life. Such a person in the team is considered arrogant and strange. But in this case, the complete disregard of a person by the sound engineer is not a psychological technique, but a feature of the perception of the world.

Ignoring a person: benefit - benefit

Some will ignore a person that they simply will never need for anything. He is a used material, and you can walk past him as if it were an empty space. Such people are found among the owners of the skin vector. For them, the main thing is "benefit-benefit" - therefore, there is no need to waste emotions, even in the form of a simple "hello".

The dermal man, as Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology shows, can save on feelings. He may ignore requests from his family for emotional closeness and warmth in the relationship. The child, in his opinion, should not be pampered, and the wife should already know that he loves her. At the same time, he receives pleasure from the very fact of limitation and refusal. "No" and "no" are the keywords of the skinner.

To punish ignorance for committed, in his opinion, a misdemeanor - a leatherman can also. After all, it is necessary to somehow comply with the law in a single cell of society: a family or a work collective. Ignoring a person, in this case, is one of the ways of forcing obedience.

Psychological neglect - I want to hurt

Some people with an anal vector are capable of completely ignoring a person. The owners of the anal vector are naturally given a phenomenal memory. According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, they are focused on information about the past in order to fully pass on to subsequent generations the experience and knowledge accumulated by humanity.

But when a person begins to live in the past, he slows down the present. And in the past - grievances and insults. And he will remember them for a long time. The reasons are different - the slippers were not in place, dinner was prepared at the wrong time, and received insufficient attention. He will find a million reasons to be offended.

Unfortunately, in order to ignore a person, some of these people go into silence, thus demonstrating their resentment. Although the offender is not really the offender at all, because he did not want to offend. Such stories occur most often in families between husband and wife or parents and children.

It is important with what intention the person with the anal vector decided to ignore the other person. If he wants to hurt, cause suffering, then this can be called emotional abuse or a kind of sadism. In this way, he seeks to take revenge on his offender, to punish him. Most often, he punishes close people in this way.

The level from the person or circumstance, as well as the way of punishing the other person. A common expression is: "Ignoring is one of the oldest forms of emotional abuse." Let's talk about this in more detail.

What does the concept of "ignoring" include?

First of all, ignorance is (in psychology) avoidance. The person is aware of the presence of an unpleasant impact, but decides not to pay attention to it. He remembers the troubles, realizes their presence, and just tries to make sure that in no case intersect with the factors that can deliver information on an ignored occasion. This can happen on purpose: the girl "does not notice" the guy who is tired of his courtship or something like that. But there are also situations when a person unconsciously removes himself from the problem.

The best painless option, or is ignoring one of the oldest forms of emotional abuse?

There are options when ignoring can help in life situations, and when it works in the completely opposite direction. You should not focus on small everyday problems that cannot entail serious consequences. Remember that neglect is a form of emotional abuse if a child gets dirty on their clothes on the street. What is more dear to you - your little man or some kind of rag?

The relevance of ignoring

For example, the mother-in-law answered somehow rudely to the daughter-in-law's question. It is worth considering whether this is typical behavior or whether the person was tired, irritated and out of control. If the latter, then why focus attention on this and respond with aggression to aggression. It would be wiser to ignore rudeness. But if this is the norm for the aforementioned mother-in-law and she deliberately leads to conflict, then there is a place for a problematic situation that needs to be resolved for normal communication to be possible. Serious problems are strongly discouraged from ignoring. Moving away from them, you will not be able to find a solution, which means that they will remain and over time will become overgrown with unnecessary, even more contaminating facts.

The same mother-in-law, for some reason dissatisfied with her daughter-in-law, will continue to use rudeness, involve other members of the family circle in the conflict, until the daughter-in-law's forces come to naught. As a result, a grandiose scandal or, what is worse, the daughter-in-law's quiet fading due to fear of a frank conversation and a solution to the problem with her mother-in-law. The reason for ignoring serious problems can be trivial fear: fear of failure, fear of losing time and money in solving the problem.

Ignore Matrix

Keane Mellor and Erik Sigmund once devised a matrix for defining the degree and object of ignorance. Three different criteria are considered: level, area, type.

In this case, there are four levels of ignoring. It:

The presence ignores the possibility of solving the problem altogether);

Its significance (understanding of the existence of a solution, but early denial of its effectiveness);

Changing capabilities (understanding that a solution exists, but early refusal to apply it);

Personal abilities (impossibility of fulfilling a possible decision due to personal unacceptable attitude to such a method).

There are three areas of ignorance: "I", other people, the situation.

The types of neglect are incentive, opportunity, and problem.

According to these three criteria, a matrix is ​​obtained:

Using this matrix, it is possible to detect at what level the problem is being ignored, and accordingly influence the person in order to induce a search for a solution to the problem. The search for the "hearth" should start from the top row, the leftmost cell, and then go down diagonally.

Ignoring is emotional abuse

How did you come to this conclusion? Often people deliberately ignore each other in order to punish them with their inattention. For a guy who is guilty, there will be a painfully indifferent attitude towards his attempts at reconciliation on the part of the girl. The boss can apply the same tactics to a subordinate who has made a mistake in the work, ignoring his attempts to rehabilitate. Thus, a person who is being ignored may end up feeling empty or angry if they are not avoided in time. Think carefully before you punish your neighbor in this way: will this not make it worse, including for you. Ignoring is one of the oldest forms of emotional abuse, and it rarely has more benefits than harm. Any difficult situation must be resolved: through conversation or through the involvement of others - by any means, but not inactive. An adequate analysis of the situation will make it clear whether it is worth using ignorance, one of the oldest types of emotional violence, or using more subtle techniques that do not cause psycho-emotional harm to a person. Let's look at a few situations that can help you understand where ignorance is applicable.

"Ignore" - useful when ...

The man is unreasonably stupid. Yes, you did not back down, decided to act, give reasonable reasons, explanations, but the opponent simply does not understand them. You are struggling with the problem day, week, month, citing all the old and new facts, but there is no result. Is it worth spending even more time and effort, or is it better to withdraw on your own?

If you delve into the essence of the delirium pouring out of your mouth will only clog your own brain and spoil your mood. The grandmother who clung to a young man in a minibus with stories that he looks inappropriate and a verbal fountain about how it was “in my time” can be ignored. Not receiving an answer to her passionate speeches, she will lose interest. Anyone has the right to look as he wishes. The guy wants ripped jeans - let him wear, at least put on a skirt. It's his choice.

The problem is insignificant, and focusing on it can lead to a negative result. The child used a "bad" word. The first time this should be ignored, because without seeing any reaction from the parents, the child may simply lose interest in this word. But if this happens all the time, it is worth solving the problem through a calm conversation using different methods, according to the age of the child.

Don't overdo it. Measure is important everywhere

Ignoring is the oldest form of emotional abuse, but you shouldn't drive it to its even older "brother" - indifference. You can get so carried away with keeping your distance from problems that you really don't care. For example, the father's constant ignorance of domestic problems - at first because of fatigue, and then out of habit, but they no longer bother him, "let his wife figure it out." Yes, others will be able to find a solution themselves, and it is not a fact that it will satisfy you. But you won't care.