How to refuse intrusive people? Polite Refusal: How to Say No to Good People

I can't refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually, all my attempts to politely refuse and at the same time not hurt the person end either with an insult or with the phrase “well, I’ll see what can be done.” The most extreme case - this . I don't know if a lie is small, good or half true. This is an even more difficult question.

constantly deceive - not a very good way out, which in the end will still lead to a conflict, since you will finally get confused and lie.

How to refuse your boss, who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives so that they are not offended? How do you let your friends know that you can't help them right now?

In fact, there are a lot of options, we just don't know about them.

Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now.

With the phrase “this sounds very tempting”, you make it clear to the person that his offer is of interest to you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.

A beautiful refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives, it will do it once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other recreational activities.

Remember, once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. Suddenly you like it?

But for people you don't see that often, this answer is perfect.

I'm sorry, but the last time I did this or that, I had a negative experience

Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do what he did not like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time will be better?!”.

Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” do not work.

But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you could not be in society all day because of stomach problems, you might be saved. Grandma, of course, will look at you a little sideways and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into a cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of it!”.

I'd love to, but...

Another good way to say no. You would love to help, but unfortunately you can't at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.

First, starting to explain something in detail, you gradually begin to feel. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to cling to something in your story and persuade you.

Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic "I would love to, but you understand, I need to do ...".

To be honest, I'm not very good at this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this

This is by no means a translation of the arrows.

If you've been asked to do something or help with advice, and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really understands it? So you will not only not offend a person, but also show that you care and you are trying to help in any way you can.

I can't do it, but I'll be happy to help with…

On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - still help and at the same time choose what you want to do.

You look great, but I don't quite get it

What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, does not really suit her. Here the dilemma "who is more friend" arises. - the one to tell the truth, or the one to say she looks great in all the outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of an apartment, work and life partner, after all.

But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, well-known designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.

And if not? Then either say everything as it is, if you are sure of the adequacy of a girlfriend or friend, or transfer the arrows to some celebrity from the world.

It sounds great! But now, unfortunately, I have a very tight schedule. Let me call you...

This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're really not in a position to help. So you not only do not offend the person, but also leave for yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.

Even at lectures on psychology at the university, we were taught that it is necessary to refuse, starting a sentence with the word “yes”, and then adding the notorious “but”.

It works, though not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to play around for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.

But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it is not because you are just lazy or you do not want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and you will definitely you can, but a little later. In the end, people must learn to respect you and your opinion. As well as you - someone else's.

If you're having trouble saying the word "no", you're not alone. Many people periodically think that it would be a good idea to reduce the number of good and important deeds done for others to the detriment of their own cause.

There are at least six reasons why it is difficult for us to refuse a person:

Sincere desire to help. You want to do something good even for the person who will respond with black ingratitude.
Fear of appearing impolite. I want to answer only “yes” to someone who has the status and respect of others.
The desire to be like everyone else. It's hard to say "no" if you know that you will distance yourself from the group. "He who is not with us is against us."
Fear of confrontation. If you said no, then you will have to explain and defend your position among not the most friendly people.
Fear of missed opportunities. It is difficult for you to say “no” if, if you agree, serious prospects await you, even if you have to give up something valuable in the process.
Fear of breakup. Some people do not understand the word "no" - for them it means that the relationship is destroyed.

If you have noted for yourself at least one of the reasons why you constantly agree with what you do not like, then your mind is filled with false beliefs that you will have to get rid of.

After all, you have your own priorities and needs, and it would be a mistake to assume that other people will solve your questions and problems for you. By saying no, you give yourself the opportunity to mind your own business and, as a result, improve the overall result.

The main difficulty in saying no is to maintain a good relationship with the people who are important to you. Therefore, it is necessary to say “no” as correctly as possible. At the same time, you must remember that in some cases you have the right to say "no" simply because you do not like something. Without explaning the reason.

"Unfortunately, I can't help you, very busy schedule"
This form of rejection is good if you are too busy. This will allow your opponent to determine the degree of your workload, and not bother you once again.
“At this moment, this and that happens to me, I cannot stop this process. A little later I may be able to help you."
For example, you are downloading a file or having an important conversation with someone. Naturally, you cannot quit this activity until you are done.
"I would like to do this, but..."
There are two mutually exclusive points here. On the one hand, you make it clear to the person that you like him and his offer. On the other hand, explain that you do not have the necessary resources or experience to properly fulfill his request. And no offense!
"Let me think how I can be of service to you"
It's more like "maybe" than "no". Be sure to think about this problem, if promised. Moreover, it is necessary to accurately indicate the time that you need to think. If your participation is really needed, they will definitely wait for you. Or turn to someone else.
“I will keep you in mind if I encounter something like this in my work”
Such a refusal is appropriate when you are engaged in some business, but you assume that your activity may somehow intersect with the theme of the petitioner. And then you can help him on the principle of "both ours and yours."
“I am not the best assistant for you. X would have handled it much better."
You may be asked for help in a matter where you are not fully competent. At the same time, you know who could fulfill the request much better. Why not recommend?
"No I can not"
Refusal without explanation. You always have the right to do so, unless, of course, it is the request of your boss...

And, finally, it is worth adding that refusal is not always a manifestation of non-participation. After all, only those who have the resources to do so can sincerely help their neighbor. The more successful your own affairs are, the more opportunities you have to make someone else happy.

It doesn’t matter what gender you are, because the ability to politely refuse is extremely important in all types of relationships. There are various ways to make this task easier and still maintain peace of mind. Learn to ask for time to think, avoid confrontation whenever possible, and be as honest as possible.

Steps

Rejections in everyday life

Why is it so hard to say no. We all learned from an early age that consent is easier to give and helps to gain approval. This develops into a deep need to always indulge parents, which is associated with love and fear of renunciation. We may also fear separation and loss of our spouses or loved ones. If a friend's request is denied, there may be a quarrel or the risk of hurting feelings. At work, rejection can make you look like an unfriendly colleague or hinder your career advancement.

In theory, consent is great, but in practice, we can say “Yes” so many times that then we can’t cope with the responsibility we have taken on.

Why is it so important to be able to say no? Learning to politely say no is a good way to set and maintain healthy boundaries. If you pride yourself on caring and sacrificing yourself for others, then rejection will make you feel uncomfortable. You may find yourself agreeing too often and becoming irritated or tired as you take on too much.

Time for reflection. Experts agree that the time to think before giving up is extremely important. When thinking about how to decline an invitation or request, remember that you are not required to respond immediately. Buy yourself some time to avoid resentment or hurting your loved one's feelings. But do not drag the rubber too long, as making a person wait longer than expected is also ugly. It is important to avoid situations where you immediately give a positive answer and then change your mind. This behavior will undermine your credibility.
- For example, your mother asks you in February: “Are you coming to us for the holidays this year?”. You can answer like this: “I haven’t even thought about it yet. I don't know yet how things will go at work. Let's discuss this closer to September?".
Stick to principles. If you are asked to do something contrary to your principles, then it is best to refuse in a way that avoids open confrontation. Ask for time, saying that you need to think it over carefully. Think twice before agreeing to something that goes against your ideas.

Try not to say "no". Don't say "Yes," but understand that you don't have to say the word to say no. Instead, talk about your concerns and the reasons for the rejection.
- For example, if your boss asks you to take on another case, you don't need to say that you are already full to capacity. Answer differently: “I am currently working on case X, which needs to be completed by next week, and the deadline for case Y is next month. How much time can you give me to complete this project?
Be honest. Sometimes one is tempted to lie or make up a fable to justify one's refusal. But in this way you will only undermine your credibility and destroy personal or work relationships, because sooner or later the truth will come out anyway. Politeness is impossible without honesty.
- For example, when refusing to accept an invitation, you could say something like, “This is a great opportunity/project for someone else, but it doesn't suit me. I wish you a good time / find a more suitable person.
Stand your ground. It may be difficult for you to repeat your refusal several times if the person constantly begs you to do something. Perhaps people are already used to you always agreeing, so they may just be testing the limits of your consent. Stand your ground and confidently repeat your refusal.
- You can immediately refuse and explain your refusal: “I know that you really want to meet this weekend, but I already have plans that cannot be changed.” If the person continues to bother you, then answer him briefly but firmly.
Refusal of specific requests
1. Refusal to borrow money. Lending money to friends can put friendship at risk. If your friend takes a long time to return, then you may be hesitant to remind about it, and the person may consider that it was a gift, not a favor. If you think that your friendship or wallet will not withstand the non-return of money, then try to refuse a friend as politely as possible. At the same time, try to be as honest as possible.
  - For example, you could say something like, “I know you're having a hard time with your finances right now. Our friendship is very dear to me, but friends and borrowing money are incompatible. Maybe I can help you in some other way? or “I don’t have free money right now. I would be happy to help, but I have nothing.”
2. Refusal of a request for a donation. If you know you won't be able to meet the request, then state its importance, refuse and offer another option for help. For example: “This is a good thing, but right now I just have nothing to give. This month I have already exhausted all available funds. You can try X or remind me about it next month.”
3. Refusal of the child's request. Children usually do not like very much when they are not allowed to do something. If a child asks for something that you are not going to buy or allow him, then firmly refuse him and immediately explain the reasons for your refusal. It is very important that the child understands your reasons, and then offer him an alternative.
  - For example, you might say, “No, I don't let you stay overnight at a friend's house on a weekday. The next day you will be sleepy and tired during the lessons. I know you're upset, but you can always stay at your friend's on the day off."
4. Refusal at a big request. You don't have to say yes if you've been asked a very large request. In the end, a person may simply not imagine how tired you are at work right now. You have the right to refuse even a personal request. A good friend will always understand you and will not consider rejection as a personal insult.
  - For example, say, "I'm sorry I can't babysit your baby this week, but I have a deadline for a project at work, and my homework has piled up." Be clear and honest. Do not lie, otherwise you will definitely offend your girlfriend and ruin your relationship.
5. Rejection of a date. Speak directly and bluntly so that the meaning of your words reaches the person. When it comes to romantic relationships, ambiguity can be taken as a chance or a false hope, and this is best avoided. It’s better to say politely but directly right away: “You are a good friend / great guy, but I can’t give you more” or “We are too different.”
  - If you do go on a date and are invited to the next one, then say politely but honestly: “We had a great time, but I don’t think we are right for each other.”
  - Do not continue the conversation for a long time after the refusal. It's probably best for both of you not to see each other for a while.
6. Refusal to have sex. If your boyfriend insists that it's time for you to move on to intimacy, and you are not yet ready for this, then refuse directly: "No." If you see fit, you can explain the reasons for your refusal: the likelihood of getting pregnant, your moral principles, or the fact that you are simply not ready yet. It is important to explain that this is your personal decision and is in no way dictated by the appearance of your partner.
  - You should not expect that your partner will immediately enter into a position and stop trying. Speak very clearly.

We discussed what internal barriers need to be removed in order to learn how to say “no” to people. Today we will continue the topic, but we will approach it from the other side. We'll talk about specific ways to opt out. Indeed, sometimes a person says “yes” instead of “no” because he does not know how to refuse tactfully.

It is worth noting that there is no single correct failure algorithm. It all depends on the situation, the nature of the person to whom you need to say “no”, the relationship with this person, and many other factors. However, there is a whole range of techniques that can mitigate rejection. I will tell you about these methods today. One and the same technique can be perfectly suited to one situation and be completely inappropriate in another. Therefore, consider everything below as a source of ideas to help you formulate your own response to your particular situation.

Idea number 1. Emphasize the value of the person to you.
You can do this if you are afraid of hurting a person’s pride with your refusal. Show your good attitude towards the person you are refusing.

Example #1. Marina has a persistent admirer who does not understand hints. In order to directly refuse a date, she can use the following phrase: “Kolya, I am very pleased with your attention, but I want to tell you no. I, unfortunately, feel that our dates will lead nowhere. You are very kind to me as a person. Therefore, I do not want to deceive you and I say everything directly, as it is.

Note that Marina several times emphasized the value of Kolya with the phrases: “I am very pleased with your attention”, “you are very nice to me as a human being”.
Important! Do not overdo it with compliments and positive words about the person you are refusing. It can look fake, cause distrust, be perceived as a manifestation of pity.

Example #2. Elena is recruiting. She's done an interview, and now she needs to call and tactfully turn down a job candidate. Elena could do it in the following way: “Alexandra, thank you for taking the time to come to us for an interview. Unfortunately, I have to inform you that we have selected another candidate for the vacancy. I wish you good luck in your job search in other companies.”

Here, Alexandra's value is emphasized by the phrases: “thank you for taking the time to come to us for an interview”, “I wish you good luck in your job search”.

When we refuse a person, we can involuntarily tense up, get nervous, and expect a negative response. A person can interpret our behavior as a manifestation of a negative attitude towards him. Therefore, in addition to phrases, also pay attention to your emotional state. Well, if you not only with words, but also with your behavior will demonstrate friendliness to a person, a willingness to make contact with him.

Example #1. Larisa was invited to a birthday party, but she couldn't come. You can tactfully refuse in this case as follows: “Anna, I’m so sorry! Imagine, it is on this day that relatives from another city come to me. Therefore, I can’t come to you in any way, although I would very much like to!”

Anya hears Larisa's sincere regret, and therefore it is easier for her to accept the refusal.
Of course, it could also be that Larisa simply did not want to go to her birthday and did not feel much regret about this. Then, in order not to lie and remain sincere, one could not talk about their emotions, but use idea No. 1 - to emphasize the value of a person and a friendly attitude: “Anya, thank you very much for the invitation. But, unfortunately, I won't be able to come that day. I wish you well!”

Example #2. Masha has a close friend Veronica. Veronica likes to call Masha and complain about life. Masha is a vulnerable and sensitive person. Every time she takes to heart what her friend says. She would very much like to ask Veronica not to go into all the details of every trouble that happens, but she does not know how to do it tactfully.

Masha could be advised the following wording: “Veronica, I really sympathize with you and would really like to help you. But every time you tell me about all your troubles, I take it very close to my heart and worry for a long time. Please save my nerves and don't tell me all the details. We, after all, have more positive topics to talk about!”

Idea number 3. Explain the reason for the refusal.
It is often easier for a person to accept a refusal if he knows the reason for it.
Example. Oleg and his wife had guests staying up late. How do you let them know it's time to go home? Oleg can do this in the following way: “Masha, Igor, my wife and I have to get up early tomorrow, so I propose to finish our gatherings for today.”
Important! Do not turn the explanation of the reasons into an excuse for yourself. If you start making excuses, the person may have the idea that he has the right to be offended by you.

Idea number 4. By refusing a request, you can offer ways to solve the problem, indicate your readiness to solve the problem in a way that is feasible for you.

Example. Recently, Anton very often lingers at work. He already understands that such revisions have become systematic, and management perceives this as the norm. Today, the boss once again asked Anton to stay after work. Anton wants to inform his boss that he is not ready to work overtime.

He can do this in the following way: “Anatoly Mikhailovich, unfortunately, I do not have the opportunity to stay at work overtime. I propose to revise my work tasks in such a way that my work during working hours will be the most useful for the company.
Thus, by refusing, Anton emphasizes his willingness to cooperate.

Idea number 5. Laconic rejection.
Sometimes it is best to respond to a request with a laconic refusal: no need to apologize, explain the reasons. When a person doesn't know how to say no tactfully, they may think they need to say something special. In fact, you can often just tell a person that it is not convenient for you to fulfill his request, and this will be quite enough.
Example. Yegor's friend asks for a loan of money. Egor can refuse like this: “No, Pasha. Unfortunately, I can't lend you money right now."

Idea number 6. Use hints.
You can show a person your dissatisfaction with hints.

Example. Natasha decided to move to city N. She has already found a job in this city, but has not yet found housing and has been living with her friends for two weeks. In the early days, her friends thought that Natasha was about to start looking for an apartment, but enough time has passed, and Natasha is not going anywhere.

What should Natasha's friends do? After all, they did not plan to let her live with them.
In this case, you can start with subtle or fairly direct hints. For example, you can ask: “Natasha, how are you? It's great that you found a job so quickly. What do you think about housing?

If Natasha is a tactful and well-mannered person, she will understand the hints and begin to act. But, alas, not all people are tactful and educated. Not everyone understands hints. Then you can use idea #7.

Idea number 7. State the facts and say exactly what you want.
In the case described above, one could say this: “Natasha, you have been visiting us for two whole weeks. We are glad to see you as a guest, but we are not ready for you to stay with us. Please find another place to live."

In most cases, people react calmly to rejection. However, it may also happen that the reaction to a refusal, even if it was very mild and correct, may be aggression and blaming you for all mortal sins. How to react in this case, read.

If you want to refuse tactfully, it is important to watch not only what you say, but also how you do it: calmly and confidently, or feeling annoyed, or friendly, feeling guilty or afraid of offending the person. Any of our emotions will inevitably affect the outcome of the conversation. Read more about how this happens, and how to set yourself up in the right way, read.

The ability to write rejection letters is one of the most important skills of an employee of an enterprise responsible for the organization's external relations and business correspondence. The content and presentation of such a letter not only speak about the education and culture of its originator, but also form the image and reputation of the enterprise in the business environment.

What are the reasons for business correspondence

Each actively working company regularly receives letters with various offers. This may be a proposal for cooperation (commercial), for participation in an event (conference, seminar, celebration), etc. Letters of inquiry, claims, reminders, etc. are also common in circulation between organizations. Thus, the incoming correspondence of an enterprise can amount to tens or even hundreds of different messages that require a response.

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How to issue a waiver

Consideration of this or that letter in no way guarantees that the representative of the organization who received it will necessarily agree to the proposal, request or claim contained in it. On the contrary, in many cases employees of companies write refusals.

But in order to refuse correctly, certain skills are needed. It is important not to offend the sender of the letter with negative content - this is dictated not only by the rules of elementary business courtesy, but also by the possibility that in the future he may become a customer, client or partner.

General information about a business letter

All official correspondence is subject to certain drafting rules. First of all, it must be remembered that, despite the fact that the content of the letter can be completely arbitrary, its structure and composition must comply with the standards adopted in the design of business papers, i.e. conditionally divided into three parts: beginning (address and heading of the letter), main section and conclusion (signature and date).

The writing style should be restrained, concise, without unnecessarily "loaded" sentences, complex specific terminology. Refusal should be made as correct as possible, rudeness, profanity and other extreme manifestations are unacceptable in it. When forming a letter, it is necessary to take into account the norms of the Russian language in terms of the culture of speech, vocabulary, grammar, spelling and style.

The refusal may be unmotivated, but it is still better if the letter indicates its reason.

If the answer is detailed and detailed, then it should be divided into paragraphs or paragraphs - this way the perception of the text is greatly facilitated.

In case of refusal, it is not necessary to chop off the shoulder and “burn bridges”, it is advisable to leave the path to retreat, that is, to thank for the attention paid and express hope for the possibility of further cooperation. To do this, you can specify conditions that the recipient can fulfill in order to establish a business relationship. If there is an opportunity to advise an enterprise that would also agree to cooperation or other proposals made in the original message, then it should not be neglected - this will leave a good mark in the memory of the addressee.

In whose name to write

The refusal must be written strictly in the name of the person who signed the original letter. Otherwise, the refusal may not reach the addressee or get lost in the flow of incoming mail. However, if there was no signature of a specific person under the offer letter, then a neutral form of address can be used (for example, in the form of a simple greeting “Good afternoon”).

Drafting a rejection letter

The letter can be written by hand (this format will speak of a special, warm attitude towards the addressee) or printed on a computer.

In this case, it is permissible to use a simple sheet of paper or a form with company details and a company logo.

The letter of refusal is formed in a single original copy, must be dated and numbered (in accordance with the document flow of the enterprise). At the same time, information about it should be included in the log of outgoing correspondence, noting its date, number and briefly - content. In the future, this journal may become evidence of the creation and sending of the message.

Who must sign

Ideally, the letter should be autographed by the director of the organization, but perhaps this is far from always (and almost completely excluded in enterprises with a large number of employees and many structural divisions). Therefore, any employee of the company authorized to create this kind of documentation and endowed with the right to sign correspondence can sign a letter of refusal. It can be a secretary, lawyer, head or specialist of any department.

How to send a letter

A letter can be sent in many ways, and it is best to choose the one through which the original message came. Sending via Russian post is most acceptable, but in this case you should take a registered order with a return receipt, you can also use a transfer through a representative or courier (this method guarantees faster delivery). It is also acceptable to use a fax, electronic means of communication and even social networks or instant messengers (but only on condition that the sender of the initial letter himself uses this way of communication).

Non-cooperation letter

If you need to create a letter of refusal to cooperate, see its sample and comments to it.

At the beginning of the letter, write for whom it is intended: indicate the name of the organization, position and full name of its representative, in whose name you are writing the answer. Use a polite form of address, thank you for the attention shown to your company, and then move on to the essence of the message.
Be sure to refer to the letter in response to which you are writing a refusal, indicate the circumstances that caused the negative reaction. If any additional papers were attached to his proposal by your opponent, indicate that you have read them.
If possible, express in the letter an expression of hope that cooperation will nevertheless take place, without failing to introduce the conditions that must be met for this.
Finally, sign the letter and date it.

Letter of refusal to participate in the event

When writing a letter of refusal to participate in an event, use the above recommendations for a letter of refusal to cooperate. Everything in the letter is standard, but mandatory: information about the sender and addressee, then the appeal, the refusal itself with a mention of the proposal to participate in the event and the circumstances that led to the negative answer, then the signature and date.

Job offer rejection letter

Not only from the enterprise can receive a letter of refusal. In some cases, it can be expressed by a person who has nothing to do with the company: for example, an applicant for a position. If you are just such a person, form a refusal also in accordance with the rules and regulations of business documentation. Use courtesy, indicate the name of the job offered to you, as well as the reason why you refuse it (keep in mind that a potential employer may revise the terms of the job offered to you). Be sure to sign and date at the end.