Ecology of knowledge. Psychology: So, you fell in love. Spring in my soul, butterflies in my stomach. Or maybe you haven’t fallen in love yet, but you definitely like the chosen one. The main thing is that the interest is mutual and has already led to the beginning of a new relationship. It is at this moment that many women make a fatal mistake, which subsequently destroys everything that was built by painstaking work.
So, you fell in love. There is spring in the soul, butterflies in the stomach, and it seems that taking off is just a spit. Or maybe you haven’t fallen in love yet, but you definitely like the chosen one. The main thing is that the interest is mutual and has already led to the beginning of a new relationship.
It is at this moment that many women make a fatal mistake, which subsequently destroys everything that was built by painstaking work. Remember - “a woman hopes that a man will change, a man - that a woman will not change; are both wrong? And here it is, that very mistake: desperately trying to show oneself to the chosen one from the best side.
It would seem, what is this? This is a completely natural desire, and most people follow it. But the fact is that few people manage to change something in themselves for real. Most often, we are talking about temporary changes, pretense, which we practice without malicious intent - on the contrary, with the most good intentions.
Sometimes we ourselves sincerely believe that we correspond to the picture that we draw for the chosen one. Someone goes with a soulmate to a concert of her favorite band or a new action movie and then with inspiration talks about her complete delight from what actually left her indifferent. Someone pretends to love to cook, and the apartment is always in such perfect order - not only for the arrival of the chosen one to visit. Or that his friends, parents, football and fishing do not have a soul, and socks scattered on the floor, the habit of crumbling chips on the sofa and tank battles until four in the morning are not a problem at all.
Now someone will definitely object: what nonsense, I have never done this!
Excellent, you are a happy exception from the majority (if you do not prevaricate, of course). But most of us still change habitual behavior in one way or another in an innocent desire to impress. But sooner or later we will not stand it and become ourselves again, and the one for whom we tried will feel deceived. After all, he was building a relationship with another person!
And I'm not even talking about those cases when a lovely angel suddenly turns into a vixen. Only about those when an ordinary woman, with all her advantages and disadvantages, creates an attractive image to please a man. And then this image crumbles, unable to stand the test of time, and a completely different person is revealed under it. It is quite possible that it is also very good - but still different.
Why are we even doing this?At the beginning of a relationship, we always look at each other, even when we ourselves do not notice it. Even if the relationship is initially positioned as "frivolous", gradually everything can change. After all, who in their right mind would tear those in which everything is pleasant?
It is the desire to be liked that plays a cruel joke with us. If a woman, before meeting her chosen one, could not stand to cook something more complicated than Rolton filled with boiling water, it is unlikely that from that moment she will begin to enthusiastically create culinary masterpieces every day and retain her enthusiasm for the rest of her life. If a man is used to spending three evenings a week at a bar or bowling with friends, then after the end of the candy-bouquet period, he will want to return to this.
People tend to take care of their own needs first, and then the needs of others. At the time of the candy-bouquet period, the need to please is most often dominant. Sometimes it prevails so much over others that we are ready to change all our habits and interests.
But when the passion passes, the usual needs return to the first place, and now you finally want to get enough sleep instead of preparing a hot breakfast for your loved one or having tea with a friend, and not watching a documentary film about shipbuilding during World War II with him.
We are what we are, with advantages and disadvantages, and we cannot, by magic, become different - even for the sake of the most beloved and dear person. However, we are afraid to let our partner see ourselves "as is", without beautiful masks. Especially if he himself seems to be an unattainable perfection, to which he still has to grow and grow.
We do not take into account one thing: sooner or later it will happen anyway! And if the partner has loved the skillfully created image all this time, then the meeting with the true owner of this image will most likely not please him - especially if the "original" does not have all the advantages of the "mask". And since the person he loved never existed, then there is no one else to love. The deception will still be revealed, and it will no longer matter whether there was malicious intent in it or not.
But what to do if your partner is not interested in you "as is"? It remains only to accept this - if, of course, you are looking for a serious relationship, and not a fleeting affair - or still start to change for real. However, it is one thing to become the best version of yourself, and quite another to change yourself, your ideals, aspirations, vocation, finally.
The ability to cook or broaden your horizons is unlikely to interfere with any woman, but if, say, you can’t imagine life without traveling or have always dreamed of your own business, and the ideal of the chosen one is the economic mother of a large family, then you should seriously think about whether everyone will be happy in such a marriage .
If this person is really so important to you that he is able to make you change dramatically and for real, then you will change. And it is possible that you will be happy. If your own principles are dearer to you, you need to be able to recognize this as early as possible, because the further everything goes, the more painful the separation will be. And the world is big, and there are many people in it who can appreciate you... published
Do you think that you met the guy of your dreams and you see nothing but him in the world? Are you so in love that you don't notice the signals that should make you wonder if this is really the guy in your life?
The fact that love is blind is not said without reason. Specialists in clinical psychiatry even argue that falling in love is a state in which consciousness narrows, the emotional component dominates, and the normal process of forecasting is largely disrupted.
You consider as nonsense the remarks of friends and the advice of relatives, which consist in the fact that you need to get to know your chosen one better and respond correctly to his impatience. And you should have been more careful. And then you can avoid the biggest tragedy in your life.
Here are the 5 mistakes that women in love often make:
1. Hear only what you want to hear
Are you going to have a romantic dinner, but once again the meeting does not work out because he claims to be too busy? And then, for a few days, do you expect any news from him? Nervously look at the screen of a computer or phone.
Maybe worth considering?
It is not necessary to express your dissatisfaction with his employment. It won't do anything! And, moreover, you should not justify his behavior to yourself. It is better to carefully consider the whole situation from the outside. Perhaps the heavy workload at work is just an excuse, and meeting you only serves as entertainment during his exuberant life. Why don't you look at the situation realistically?
Your desire to enter into the desired relationship prevents you from seeing things as they really are. Therefore, falling in love is considered a state in which we are sure that our ideas about another person are the only possible truth. And so we ignore the warning signs, or forget about our own principles. All in the name of love...
2. His flaws seem like advantages to you.
Ignoring the flaws of a partner is one thing, but treating them as positive traits is the second serious mistake that women in love sometimes make. Therefore, your partner’s attack of jealousy after a completely innocent conversation with the seller or work colleague you attribute to positive categories. In your head, the thought blooms like a flower: “How should he love me!”
It doesn’t even occur to you that painful jealousy in a later stage of a relationship, when nothing can be done about it or new rules can be established, can poison not only your joint, but also your own life. In a state of love, we have a tendency to idealize everything that is connected with our chosen one. As you might guess, this can be very dangerous...
3. You are like an ivy woman
Many women get married not because they want love, but to increase their self-esteem. What is the essence of this mechanism? The principle is used: "the prestige of my partner proves mine." And so you try to hide your low self-esteem with a guy who can impress.
So, if you have gaps in education, you are looking for a partner who succeeds in this field. If the character is weak, there is a need to find a strong guy who likes to dominate. And in those cases when, in the eyes of your family, you are not the most beautiful, you are looking for a handsome man, next to whom you can shine at family events.
By doing so, you are not looking for love at all. You only need a partner to increase your self-esteem in some field. You “hang yourself” on it, “wrap it around” like a well-known climbing plant and use it for your own purposes. Such a union is extremely toxic and cannot last long.
4. You make big plans.
They are so unreal and grandiose. You barely know him, and you are already planning a common future. You think about where you will live, what your wedding will be like, where you will go on your honeymoon trip, and even how many children you will have! Or maybe you want to start a joint business? It's so wonderful to do everything together!
This is a classic example of irrational and utopian thinking. And, to top it off, the confidence that your marriage will never be touched by a crisis. Because he's just perfect. In this case, the burning of bridges behind oneself, so common among women in love, can also be considered risky.
Therefore, even if you do not realize how much you have changed under the influence of love intoxication, it should be borne in mind that making such important decisions under the influence of emotions can have disastrous consequences. If such a connection breaks down, it can be very difficult for you to restore your faith in yourself and a positive outlook on the future.
5. Talking too much about yourself
You want to give your chosen one warmth, tenderness and cordiality. Therefore, already at the beginning of the acquaintance, you completely open your soul to him and tell everything, even the most intimate details of your life, inviting him into your world.
Stop and think about what will happen in case of a mistake in your chosen one. Will you feel robbed and deprived of all your intimate secrets? Can you trust anyone after this?
Perhaps, at the beginning of a relationship, it is worth drawing a line between what is yours and what is yours in common. It's not about hiding something important from your loved one. And besides, some mystery only adds charm to a woman. Not to mention that each person should have their own intimate space.
At the beginning of a relationship, you don’t have to be bored - the partner arouses genuine interest, it contains a lot of unknown traits and moments that you want to know. However, over time, the feeling of novelty disappears. The nature and habits of a loved one are studied, reactions are predictable. Such predictability can easily become boring. Don't wonder why love leaves. So that the relationship does not become boring, try to always surprise your partner with a new hairstyle, an exotic dish. Get creative, find interesting things to do and involve your soulmate in them. Show him that he won't be bored with you.
Lie
During dating, many seek to embellish the truth about themselves. It is clear why this happens - people want to make a greater impression on the person they like and achieve his location. However, with the development of relationships, the image you created can be pretty boring. It is difficult to constantly seem like a brutal macho or an ideal hostess if you are not. Alone with a loved one, you want to relax and be yourself, and not wear the chosen mask. However, it is likely that the partner fell in love with the image you created.
You need to destroy the created illusion gradually, otherwise your loved one may be scared away by sudden changes in your character.
The desire to educate
As a rule, two adults with established characters and certain habits enter into a relationship. You should not try to educate a partner for yourself. You can only gently point out those features that you do not like, and support your loved one if he decides to correct them. However, trying to re-educate a wife who loves to gather for a long time, or trying to make a decisive and strong-willed person out of a soft man, is useless.
If you are categorically not satisfied with the nature of your soulmate, think about whether you really love her.
Visible well-being
There is a widespread stereotype that loving people should live in perfect harmony and never quarrel. However, lovers are still not a single organism, each of them has their own desires and needs, any of them can sometimes be in a bad mood. Conflicts and quarrels are an inevitable part of life. The main thing is not to hush up problems, but to be able to solve them. Fight and then come to an agreement. And then you hardly have to wonder why love passes.
Dear women! Attention! Below is very important information!
I am currently writing a book about relationships. One of the topics I am currently working on is the mistakes of women at the initial stage of building relationships. Women often ask me: “Why did everything seem to start so well, but end up as usual?” or “Why did he first show interest, and then cool off towards me?”
You will never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Coco Chanel
Almost every woman at the initial stage of a relationship makes at least one of the mistakes listed below, and some “manage” to do everything. I also, in my youth, allowed some of them. The list below is far from complete, but the errors described here are the most common and most common. Let's take a look at them.
1. Women fall in love with the image
Women fall in love with the image of a man she invented, and not with who he really is now. Women attribute non-existent qualities to a man.
When the time comes to take off the “pink glasses” and the woman finally sees the true face of her man, she is disappointed and tries in every possible way to remake him. Attempts to change an already established person are practically equal to zero. Especially if initially it was already accepted as it is. In addition, these attempts can hit hard on male pride.
2. Women think that men will guess
“If a man cares about me, then he himself must guess what I feel and what I want.” This is a common mistake! Women should remember that men have an undeveloped ability to capture the state of the interlocutor in the way that women can do, especially since it is difficult for them to guess women's desires from one hint.
Thinking in this way, a woman sets a task for a man that is impossible for him. The result is tension, dissatisfaction with each other and conflict. Men need specifics.
3. The desire to completely subjugate a man
If a woman does not want her man to feel humiliated, she should exclude attempts at total control. Otherwise, the man again feels like a child, unable to make decisions on his own.
Women, do you need a child or a man? It is important for a man to feel himself in charge in a relationship, to be responsible for himself, for a woman nearby and for making decisions. Women, let a man be a man, and let yourself be a woman!
4. Love what I love
An attempt to impose your tastes, hobbies, etc. on your beloved. In other words, make him look like you. This attitude destroys the relationship. Let a man have his own interests and hobbies.
5. Need for love
Many women, driven by this need, may mistake falling in love, passion, physical attraction for true love. Therefore, it is very important at the beginning of a relationship to understand what exactly I feel for this man.
A simple question will help clarify the situation: “What do I really want from this man?” Answer as honestly as possible. Another question will help clarify the sincerity of your feelings: “Want (can) I make this man happy without expecting anything in return?”
6. The desire to get an already held man
“I want to marry the general!” Another mistake of women, they want everything at once. But they forget that the best way to get such a man is to create him!
With her support and faith in him, a woman helps a man achieve his goals. Do you want to marry a general (millionaire)? Marry a lieutenant (beginning businessman)!
7. Infatuation with a man who is already in a relationship
Often this female mistake is associated with the previous one, with the desire to get everything at once. In my opinion, one of the most destructive mistakes, as it destroys both other people's relationships and you as a person. It will negatively affect not only the psychological, but also the physical health of the woman.
Despite the fact that at first the connection with a man in a relationship will seem sensual and tender, it will always “break” a woman. On someone else's misfortune happiness can not be built!
8. A woman “surrenders” to a man too quickly, gives all of herself and immediately
"I'm all yours, take me!" As a result, such a woman becomes either less interesting to a man, or he completely loses all interest in her. Women, no matter how much you would like it, do not rush things. Interest a man with your impregnability, “turn on” the instinct of a “conqueror” in him. As a result, a man will treat you with great respect and interest.
9. Showing interest in a man who is indifferent to you
This negatively affects the woman's self-esteem. In order to prevent this, follow one rule: "I do not pay attention to a man who does not pay attention to me." And point!
10. The habit of thinking for a man
Often a woman is inclined to predict the behavior, reactions, thoughts of a man. As it seems to her, she knows how he will react at a particular moment:
- “He is probably tired and it will be difficult for him to fulfill my request now.”
- “If I often call (write) him, he will think that I am obsessive.”
- “If I directly ask him to buy something for me, he will think that I am mercenary.”
- “If I tell him about my feelings, he will think that I am an easily accessible woman,” etc.
No need to think for a man, be open. You will never know for sure what a man will think. Why? Because you are not a man.
Dear ladies, now you know the mistakes that many women make at the beginning of a relationship. As the saying goes, forewarned is forearmed. Take them into account and compare with your previous experience. Remember what results you got by making these mistakes? Were you satisfied with the result? Would you like to keep getting the same results? If the answer is no, then start doing something new.
The biggest stupidity is to do the same thing and hope for a different result.
A. Einstein
I would be grateful for the feedback and examples from your life: what mistakes did you make or what other mistakes do you think women make. Write in the comments.
Relationship Expert Rozari Gritskevich
In a state of love, men often do ridiculous things, sometimes create a deliberately unsightly impression of themselves, and all in order to interest the person they like. But often all these male tricks play on the contrary. Psychologists note seven main male dubious ways to please women.
1. Talk about sex. Often, men start very frank conversations with a girl they like. They can, for example, talk about their experience of having a threesome. They think that in this way they demonstrate their masculinity - they say, I can even handle two at the same time - but the result is the opposite. Every girl wants to be the only one, if not in the head of her lover, then at least in his bed, so such a “macho” rarely shines with continued acquaintance.
2. Money. Careless playing with a bundle of banknotes and talking about a six-figure salary are designed to show the girl that her counterpart is a well-to-do man, which means that he is worthy in every sense. Alas, when the conversation turns into a male monologue, and the topic of conversation is only money, the girl begins to feel that she is being bought. A certain category of representatives of the weaker sex will be fine with this, but most do not like to feel like an “object”.
3. Memories of student life. If a man is already well over thirty, and he still remembers his student days as the best years of his life, then he simply has not matured. Even if the gentleman was the coolest guy in his dorm, this is unlikely to impress the girl.
Yes, smart, yes, the ringleader, but that's all in the past. And now, it turns out, there is nothing to brag about?
4. Abuse of alcohol. Under the saying "for courage" you can pretty much pick up. It's one thing when a young man blushes and stumbles out of embarrassment - it may even seem cute, but when he starts to knock over pile after pile, it no longer climbs into any gates.
5. Bragging. Some representatives of the stronger sex like, on occasion, and even without it, to mention their acquaintance with some celebrity. Even if they just stood next to the urinals in the club, this automatically translates the star into the category, if not close friends, then at least buddies. With the help of stories a la “one day Timberlake and I…” the guy hopes to become irresistible in your eyes, however, without knowing it, he drives himself into a trap. Try to invite him to invite the same Timberlake to dinner with you - how will he sing then?
6. Stories about his exes. Almost always, these stories are doomed to fail. It is clear that a man thinks to impress you - they say, if he was so affectionate and caring with Masha, Katya or Nina, then real happiness awaits you with him. Hey baby, look what gold is sitting next to you! However, to find that he calls you the same nicknames as his ex, oh how unpleasant.
If the boyfriend describes your predecessors, using mainly the epithets "bitchy", "stupid" and the like, then, most likely, you will also receive the same characteristic from him when you part. After numerous stories about those with whom your gentleman had to deal, you will surely consider him a player, although he himself thinks completely differently - they say, I am the most desirable man in the world, it was not for nothing that I had so many girls.
7. Power scheme. A healthy lifestyle is great. But some follow such wild ways to keep fit that it becomes scary. For example, some men believe that the most optimal food is what our distant ancestors ate, that is, meat, and it’s good if it has undergone at least minimal heat treatment. And then there are also fans of raw flesh.
There are also such sophisticated gentlemen who are most concerned about the portion of fats, proteins, carbohydrates, vitamins, minerals and antioxidants they receive from their daily diet. Are you interested? And they think so. Or they don’t think about it at all, because they don’t care much about your opinion, the main thing is to paint their reverent attitude to food. All they will achieve with such stories is to cause complexes in you: if this Apollo is so demanding of himself, you think, then my fold on his stomach will surely put him to flight.