“Why do we want to force all those close to us to go to church, pray, take communion? From unbelief, because we forget that God wants the same. We forget that God wants every person to be saved and cares about everyone. It seems to us ... that something depends on us, on our efforts, and we begin to convince, tell, explain, and make it only worse, because you can only draw to the Kingdom of Heaven by the Holy Spirit ... We violate the precious gift that is given to man - the gift of freedom. By our claims, by the fact that we want to remake everyone in our own image and likeness, and not in the image of God, we claim the freedom of others, and we try to force everyone to think as we think ourselves, but this is impossible. A person can discover the truth if he asks about it, if he wants to know it, we constantly impose. There is no humility in this act, and since there is no humility, then there is no grace of the Holy Spirit. And without grace there will be no result; or rather, there will be, but the opposite. "
The questions were followed by a whole list of "diagnoses", in other words, claims to these most stubborn neighbors: pride; self-confidence; fear of parting with imaginary freedom; bad conscience and unconscious resistance to repentance; inertia, passivity, lack of will; finally, just laziness.
My brakes, however, worked: I could not help but see that my stubborn people for the most part are no more stupid and, at least, no worse than me. And as a maximum, noticeably better.
Gradually, I realized: a seemingly sincere desire to bring your neighbor to Orthodoxy is a very insidious thing in reality. It very easily leads us into the temptation of condemnation, and at the same time - arrogance and complacency. Arguing about why one person comes to the Church and the other does not, carried away by these considerations, we do not even notice how we slip. Once a thought occurred to me that seemed wonderful: "If a person is really looking for the truth, if he is truly honest with himself, he, even if not immediately, even after some search, will still come to Orthodoxy." But this thought was followed by a sobering question: what is it? So I am honest with myself, but that man over there, now deceased, who never came to the Church, was dishonest? Do we have the right to judge this at all?
This is actually a mystery: why one person becomes a believer and clearly defines his religion, another chooses "enlightened" agnosticism, and the third declares that, firstly, there is no God, and secondly, if there is, which of this? .. This divergence of our paths is not due to any differences in characters, moral codes or intellectual levels. Before the secret you need to reconcile. Resign yourself and stop tormenting yourself with endless "Why? .." The Lord knows why and why.
This is on the one hand. On the other hand, faith is not a version. If we are Christians, it means that we confess the faith, and do not use in our spiritual interests the version, purely subjectively chosen by us from many others: "This is probably to my liking." This is exactly what they want from us - so that we, as they say, do not claim to be the ultimate truth: "Please go to your Orthodox Church, but do not think that those who do not go to it are wrong." At the same time, it is assumed that there is no truth, in any case, it is not known to anyone, therefore no one should claim to possess it. "The only thing that can and should be insisted on, they usually say in such discussions, is that all possible worldviews, except, of course, destructive and socially dangerous, have an equal right to exist."
They really have the right - both in the legal sense and in the moral - and the Church has never encroached on this right. But it does not follow from this that we should not, firstly, take our faith as true faith (otherwise it’s impossible!), Secondly, protect it from false judgments and interpretations, and thirdly, tell others about it - then there is to be her missionaries. If we cannot or do not consider ourselves entitled to do this, then we are like salt that has lost its power (see: Matt. 5 , 13). You just need to see the golden mean here, in other words - to develop a norm of behavior.
“So, have you been to church? When was the last time you confessed? Never?! Well, listen, it won't work like that! .. "- this is aggression, this is an attempt to grab a person by the hand and drag him into the temple by force (the phrase“ I will not drag him in any way! "Is quite common in such cases).
But if we hear from our neighbor something like: "God must be in the soul, why are all these rituals?" - we must be able to answer. Tactfully, not attacking, not humiliating - but firmly and confidently, so that a person feels trust in our words and interest in them. And, of course, briefly, because a long speech is a violation of the interlocutor's attention. Sometimes it is enough to say: "Yes, I myself (a) thought so (a)." At the same time, you will remember that you yourself were like that, and you will cool down.
Of course, I know all this purely theoretically, but practically I hardly know how to behave in such situations. It's hard to learn. Why? Is it because there is little love in us? “You can't teach people, they need to be fed physically and mentally,” wrote the great Christian of the godless era, Sergei Fudel. And we are not concerned with supporting a person, helping him, but with correcting him. So that he does not spoil the weather for us and does not cause mental discomfort. We see the mistakes and delusions of our neighbors, but we do not see those troubles, those diseases, the symptoms of which these mistakes are in fact. The man says that he does not trust "these priests" - we are indignant at his injustice and do not think that this man for some time does not trust anyone at all. He is afraid to trust, he is already armed with distrust in advance - against everyone and everything, and especially against those whom he really would like to trust. Try to cure him of this disease! This is much more difficult than resenting his wrongness and unleashing angry counterattacks on him.
It is not necessary to teach love, it is initially able to do everything it needs. And we are inept from dislike, from self-centeredness. As Father Demetrius says (see the beginning), we want to remake everyone in our own image, and not in the image of God.
We should calm down. Stop being nervous because of someone else's stubbornness and unreason. Because this nervousness is due to what the sermon quoted at the beginning is devoted to, namely, from lack of faith. We ourselves have little faith, but we want others to light up from our faith, like from fire ... But in fact, you need to light up.
When not asking for help, no need to help
Imposing your thoughts and norms of behavior is equivalent to suppressing the will
Try to put yourself in the shoes of the person you impose your opinion on.
Why can't you drag on the karma of your relatives?
Disease doesn't just come
If a sick person has not cleaned a karmic vessel, it cannot be treated
Removing karma from a person without his repentance is a violation of cosmic laws
Help is a good thing. Religion speaks about it. This is evidenced by the morality of our human society.
But how sometimes in our thoughts we decide something for another person, trying to help him!
In our "help" we go so far that we begin to think entirely on behalf of the person we want to help. And at the same time we automatically deprive him of his will to do something himself, to decide his fate.
Thus, a seemingly good deed begins to grow into its opposite.
And instead of help, a person receives unfreedom and becomes addicted. It turns out an attachment on a subtle plane, which blocks all possible paths of the future both for the one who helped excessively, and for the one who was helped and who was made dependent.
To prevent this from happening, there is a law in the Cosmos - help only the one who asks you. That is, do not impose yourself on those who did not ask you for help.
What is happening here on Earth? Parents tremble over their children, and this despite the fact that they have long outgrown their childhood. They think they know better than their children what they, children, need to do.
They begin to solve their life problems for them.
They see the world differently from how children see it, and therefore do not reckon with their opinions and feelings. They begin to imagine themselves in the role of their children and live for them, think about what to do in a given situation. Well, if a son or daughter thinks quite differently about this, it does not bother them at all.
They think: "Unreasonable yet. How to get him out of the influence of a woman or a guy who has not very good manners, bad habits?"
How to prevent the husband from drinking, how to save him, how to help him? What if a brother does not understand where he is heading after contacting a company?
At the same time, the same brother, husband, son or daughter does not ask for this help at all, but dismisses it like an annoying fly.
In the end, they may just get angry against you and with even more strength and desire to do what they did.
They will not lose faith in their righteousness, because their consciousness is not the same as yours. Because they judge in completely different categories, and the forcible imposition of their thoughts and norms of behavior according to higher, cosmic laws is equated with suppression of the will.
The person you are pressing on suffers; perhaps he does not know where to get away from you, where to get away from your care. He will not blindly do what you tell him. Because he doesn't understand it.
Because that might not be his type. Because he did not go through your experience, or he had a different experience, not the same as yours.
To understand who you want to remake, thinking that you are helping him, imagine yourself in his place. You would like it if someone suddenly began to say: understand, you are behaving incorrectly. You need to do this and not otherwise. This person does not suit you, do not be friends with him.
How would you feel if someone told you this, even for your own good? After all, you will not see what this good is.
He is seen by the one who teaches. You don’t see. He says that he will save you, but you will not understand from what ...
By presenting all this, you will understand how your loved one feels when you pester him with help that he does not ask for.
It's another matter - if a person turned to you: what should I do, I'm confused ... How can I continue to live, what to do?
If a person asks such questions, it means that he has already realized that he made a mistake, stumbled and now wants to get out.
And now, at the most opportune time, your experience in overcoming difficulties will be useful to him; when a person is in need, help cannot be denied if there is an opportunity to help.
Now consider this question - you do not impose your opinion on your loved one or friend. But you see that he is wrong, that he makes many mistakes, unrighteous deeds, that he is unrestrained, rude; but, wanting to help him, you begin to turn to the Higher Forces or the Lord, so that they give him a good life, various benefits, happiness, health.
Most often, such a person may be your relative - mother, sister, husband, child.
If he is a relative, you do not allow yourself to think that he can be bad, whatever he really is. You do not see its flaws, you are used to not noticing them.
And now, for all his sins, he begins to hurt, or he begins to fail. Considering your relative good and undeservedly offended, you pray in church for his health. Ask the Higher Forces for help.
But at the same time, you do not suspect that you are invading karmic laws and violating the law of justice. For what such merits do you seek mercy for your sinning relative?
Just because he is your relative? Because you are used to him, you want everything to be in order for him, which means that you will not have any frustrations about him, that is, you think either about yourself, or your love is blind and based on some bindings, habits.
By violating the law of karma by your request, you transfer all the karma of your relative onto yourself. But remember: this will not make it easier for him.
What each "created" for himself, will remain with him.
And what you created by dragging his karma onto yourself will remain with you. And it will lead to all the ensuing consequences, i.e. disease and failure.
The role of the person you are asking for may be a great sinner. After all, you do not even suspect what secret thoughts your daughter-in-law may have and why suddenly your son, having married her, began to drink. If she conjures and bewitches him, she will never tell you about it.
Having bewitched her son, she will want to please you and will do everything possible for this, and you will not even notice what may be hiding under a virtuous mask. So, you should not ask the Higher Forces and help a person whom you do not fully know.
The disease will not just come, it has a reason. And they should be looked for primarily in the disease itself, and not look on the sidelines and not lament the Higher Forces, which, in your opinion, turned out to be unfair.
The same history of karma dragging can happen to you if you are engaged in healing, if you want to heal someone, and at the same time, do not look at the causes of the disease either. If a sick person does not clean a karmic vessel, it cannot be cured, just as it is impossible to clean a karmic vessel for it.
Removing karma from a person without his repentance is a violation of cosmic laws. The one who removes, or does the ritual of "burning" the karma of another person, reels it on himself. And the disease along with it - too.
If he throws off the disease or its causes on an animal, plant, stone or
any object, he commits a double sin - he interferes in the patient's karmic problems by force from the outside. That is, it deprives him of the just punishment he deserves and gives this punishment to a completely innocent creature.
There is a double violation of the laws of justice. And that equates to black magic.
Such an act instantly fills the healer's karmic vessel to the brim. Pushes the soul out of him. And the destruction of the organism begins.
Add to this action the selfish interest of the healer, who also received money for this action.
What happens to the patient in this case? For him, such help turns into irreparable consequences.
In addition to all his sins, for which he received his illness, a great sin is recorded in his karmic vessel. It consists in the fact that a person decided, without any repentance and work on himself, to get rid of the record of the Higher Forces about his wrong actions and thereby avoid punishment - how to escape from justice - to outwit the Higher Forces, and at the same time for nothing, not about what to reward with your illness some creature on which you threw it off.
When a patient leaves such a healer, he aggravates his karma many times over. This means that the disease will return to him. And it will be much more serious and difficult than it was before.
To be cured of a disease, you need to cleanse your own karmic vessel through repentance and donation, through the awareness of your guilt.
Only in this case can you help him. Only in this case help will be effective, and the one who helps will not commit a sin, but, on the contrary, will do a godly deed.
And in the end he will be rewarded by the Higher Powers.
These are the laws of the universe, and no magic, no rituals can change them. Because the Higher Forces cannot be deceived ...
Lyubov KOLOSYUK.
Do I need to help people. To whom, when and why?
Earlier it seemed to me that help should be provided to everyone and always, literally to turn people into happiness. And I was very upset when my ingenious clever tips and articles turned out to be unclaimed and not used in life.
In especially difficult periods, I began to hate ungrateful people who do not understand what gift and light I bring them. I promised to do something for others. But nothing good was born of this hatred. Over time, I was released, and I began to write again. Sometimes I received words of gratitude, I received warm responses, and this gave me peace of mind for a period. But all the time I was worried about the question - why do people not take help, which is so generously and free of charge?It would seem that you eat - I don’t want to, what are you not eating, huh? For you, bastard, I'm trying. To make you happy and successful.
And then I understood everything.
Five years ago, I took part in a seminar, which provided an opportunity to get answers to exciting questions. To do this, I had to fill out a form and send it to the master. They promised me to answer and give recommendations for life.
I filled out the form and waited. I waited and waited, but there was still no answer. I was overwhelmed with anger and indignation - how had I been so deceived. I shared my thoughts with a person who had attended this master's seminar many times. And he told me: "Masha, there is no request for help in your voice." ... I was surprised: "How is it not?" And he answered me something like: “You yourself are your own question. You need to be in a state of questioning, not getting an answer. "
I didn't immediately understand what that meant. But if this was heard by a person who simply attended the seminars, then the master probably understood everything. Having become indignant a little more, I accepted it as truth. Something inside suggested that it was so. And after a while, it really became very difficult for me, and at that moment I realized what a true request for help is. I wrote to the master, asked my question and he answered me.
I came out of that situation with understanding: until a person is ready to hear the answer, until he longs for help, he can never take it in full measure. Any help would be like eating into a full stomach. Something may come in, but, in principle, you need to be prepared that a person will vomit.
I want to tell you two parables.
The first is about a dog on a nail:
Once a man walked past a house and saw an old woman in a rocking chair, an old man reading a newspaper was swinging in an armchair next to her, and between them on the porch lay a dog and whined as if in pain.
Passing by, a man was surprised to himself why the dog was whining. The next day he walked past this house again. He saw an elderly couple in rocking chairs and a dog lying between them making the same plaintive sound.
The puzzled man promised himself that if the dog whined tomorrow, he would ask an elderly couple about it. On the third day, to his misfortune, he saw the same scene: the old woman was swinging in a chair, the old man was reading the newspaper, and the dog in its place whined pitifully. He couldn't take it anymore.
- Sorry, ma'am, - he turned to the old woman, - what happened to your dog?
- With her? She asked. - She's on a nail.
Confused by her answer, the man asked:
“If she’s lying on a nail and it hurts, why don’t she just get up?”
The old woman smiled and said in a friendly, gentle voice:
- So, my dear, it hurts enough to whine, but not enough to budge.
Second parable about a teacher and a student, who came for advice on how to know the wisdom of life. In response to this question, the teacher took the student and lowered his head into a bucket of water. He kept him there until the student began to break free. When a student asked what it was, the teacher said, "How badly did you want air when you were there?" The student replied that he really wanted to and that was the only thing he could think about. And the teacher said: "When you want to know the wisdom of life, just like now the air, you will know it."
I discovered several truths.
Very often people don't need help. It hurts them to whine about it, but not enough to do anything.
1. They surf the Internet for advice and ideas, absorb tons of information every day, consume everything: from pink quotes to philosophical reflections on the topic of happiness and life.
But they don't really need to solve their problem. Yes, there are some problems, in general. But they turn out to be tolerant. That is, they do not complicate life enough to get off the nail and think only about how to find a solution.Not to mention, the most powerful advice can be very frustrating to follow. For example, take responsibility for your life only on yourself and stop pushing the blame onto others. Why is it so difficult, I'd better find something easier. For example, how to raise feminine energy with shopping. Simple, effective, joyful. Thinking about life, doing some exercise - it won't do ... It should be done quickly and calmly.Better to relieve pain than to operate. It is better to stick on a patch than to rinse.
2. Helping forcibly, you deprive people of independence, choice, prevent them from taking responsibility for their lives.
Everyone should make help their own personal choice.
There are people who constantly hint that they need help.... At the same time, they themselves are not ready to do anything for themselves. If you have an inner need to help, you rush to the rescue. But since what is needed from you is not help, but only attention, then everything begins: “Why are you getting into my life, I didn’t ask you for anything, I did as you said, and look how terrible everything is now, it’s it's all your fault ... "
Such people do not know how to be adults. They don't know how to ask for help. It seems to them that it is beneath their dignity. Therefore, they will do everything so that others begin to offer this help. Because in this case, you can calmly refuse, kick back, make an arrogant face and say that you yourself have decided for me here, but I did not need this at all. And I didn't ask for anything at all.
The position of a victim of circumstances and a fool is very insidious. And very manipulative. She has a lot of strength and power. Much more than meets the eye.
To illustrate the principle of non-interference, I again remembered the parable. She about a man who wanted to help a butterfly get out of its cocoon. He saw how difficult it was for her to get out of it and therefore opened it with a knife. But when the butterfly was in the light, its wings were not able to fly. They would be that way if she could make her way through the cocoon on her own and grow stronger with the effort. And so she was left with underdeveloped wings and no longer flew. People develop through overcoming, so creating comfortable conditions for them means making them weaker. If they need help, let them learn to ask for it. There is nothing noble about being above asking for help. This is some kind of narcissistic construction, and it definitely shouldn't be something very sublime and holy.
3. People get a lot more benefit by not solving their problems.
This is called a secondary benefit.
In whatever difficult situation a person is, if he does nothing to get out of there, then he has some kind of secondary benefit: not to grow, not to change, to receive bonuses, to remain infantile, etc.
There are hundreds of stories about sick people who do not get well just because, once they become healthy, they will no longer receive attention. Up to the point that families are kept only as long as someone is sick. After all, you cannot leave a sick person. And the patient is happy to try - to get sick. You come to such a person with a sincere motive to help him recover and you get sabotage and aggression in return.
He doesn't need to be treated. He needs to stay sick.
4. Each person has his own path, his own karma, everyone gets exactly as much as he earned by his actions.
When I want help for someone, I think that they need it to alleviate their condition. But how do I know his entire task in fate? How can I decide for God (universe, soul) what exactly is necessary for this or that person. Everyone has his own path. And I know that many of my conclusions and wisdoms (if you can call it that) came to me only because I sat in my sorrows until I figured everything out myself. And to figure it out, the strength appeared only when it was too long. This is also called "pushing off the bottom." Recovery begins when you are completely unbearable. And not when it seems like OK.
5. Each person has his own neuroses, values and views.
If a Vedic woman is helped by a success specialist, there will be a conflict. Although each of them is sure that their path is correct and correct. Therefore, before offering help, it would be good to understand whether it will conflict with what is already there.
Accept that the other person's vision of life can be very different from yours.
All these truths are true for the vast majority of people. And I am the same. There are questions that scream about a solution, then I give it my full attention. And there are questions that hang in the background.
Of course, it would be nice if they somehow made up their minds, but in general I will not strain too hard to solve them.
Today I am glad that at that seminar the master did not play along with me in my manipulative game. "Do me well, but I seem to be out of business."
There is nothing wrong with asking for help. If I need it, I apply for it. It wasn't easy at first. But now I’m much more comfortable saying what I need to be direct. I expect the same from others.
Therefore, I decided for myself that I would only help if they asked me to. And not in half hints, saying: in the hope that I myself will rush to find out what and how, but specifically: "", etc.
You need to learn to be aware of your needs, and to be able to articulate your requests.
I no longer think out and do not try to guess. I ask: - and I do not play the game "Guess what I am offended".
But the study of the issue of assistance with this side alone did not end for me.
Because, since there are those who are being helped, then there are those who are helping. And in this situation no less depends on them than on those who ask. When I “give help,” I am assuming that the other person REALLY needs my help. And most importantly, I think I know WHAT he needs.
But this is far from the case.
Recently, a kind person wanted to "help" me, trying to make me better. But for me it was not a help, but a run over. Therefore, I replied that I myself will decide whether I want to be better or not. Help, even from the most well-meaning, can be an illusion. And sometimes with banal violence.
What are the motives behind the “helpers”? Not always clean and bright.
1. Suppose a helping person sincerely believes that he knows what will be best for the other.
Sometimes this is true and sometimes not. Before suggesting something better, it would be good to know if the other is ready for this better? Often not ready. Why? See the first five points.
2. The helper tries to assert himself at the expense of the other, to satisfy his needs.
Such help is especially painful. It goes either through criticism, wrapped in a wrapper of care: or through passive aggression: or pursues selfish interests: “You cook terribly. I tell you this so that you come to your senses and become a better hostess "or through passive aggression:" You look bad. Let me give you the number of my beautician? ", Or pursues selfish interests:" I want to help you reveal your femininity, so you have to sleep with me. "
3. The helper wants to raise his own significance for himself and for others.
Such people feel very, very noble, bringing light, knowledge and joy to others. When they “help,” they feel like saints on a great mission. Their conceit is added, the halo begins to glow brighter. After all, it is very important and beautiful - to educate the ignorant, to make the blind to see and to make the disabled healthy.
Unfortunately, this often happens with representatives of helping professions - coaches, coaches, psychologists. They get stuck in their professional identity. They feel alive only while they help. In their posts on social networks, they constantly repeat how happy they are to live and help people, that their work is the best, that there is no greater joy than waking up in the morning and coming up with another program to lead dark humanity to a brighter future.
It's cool at first. It invigorates and makes you so relaxed, and the world - bright and smiling. Plus it seems: since you were given a magnificent instrument with which you now know how to handle, it means that you have to try to fix everyone with this instrument. Otherwise, why did you study?
I was the same. When I first started studying Gestalt therapy, I was so excited about the opportunities that opened up before me. I went and told everyone that you need to live as consciously and sincerely as possible, that you need to understand everything about yourself, poke around in your projections and introjects, unfold retroflection, etc.
It's good that life did not give me the opportunity to rest on the laurels of this knowledge. If at that moment I had hundreds of followers, the crown would have grown tightly to the skull, and there would be no chance to see something different from the chosen point of view.
I hid these thoughts from myself for a long time. Until I realized that I was not alone. That such a problem is faced by a large number of helpers. They suffer in the same way from the fact that they are not loved, not accepted, not appreciated, not worn.
When people provide help, they do it primarily for themselves.
I realized that the importance of external recognition was necessary to me because I did not feel important to myself. Helping others gave the feeling that I was nothing like that at all.
It took a long time before I found a way out of this trap. I realized that helping others is not at all about holiness, exclusivity and singularity, and the recognition of others. no longer affects my sense of self.
It's easy to live when you change the lives of other people. It is hard to live an ordinary worldly life without gratitude and worship.
Therefore, first of all, helpers need to deal with exactly these questions:
- Who are you without your help to others?
- What will happen to you if you have no one left who needs your help and your bright thoughts?
Self-irony helps very well in working with holiness and the crown. As soon as I begin to feel that a star is on its way, I bring myself back to reality.
Now I am not helping anyone. Training and therapy is my job. But now I do not expect that everyone will need it and that everyone will appreciate it. This gives me freedom, I am no longer a hostage to my own expectations. As they say, "do not wake up those who are sleeping, help those who have awakened."
Everyone makes their choice: to help or not to help, to ask for help or not to ask for help. The main thing is to be as honest with yourself as possible.
My mother taught me not to give too much advice and not try to help anyone until the person asks for it. It always seemed to me that it was she from harm. But as I grew up, I realized that my mother was still right. And yes, she is one of the kindest and most cordial people I have ever known.
Society says you need to help people. I agree with that. It is believed that we should unconditionally strive to help others, and even when they do not expect it. No, everything is correct here, sudden acts of kindness can sometimes change your life. However, the coin has two sides. And you should know what such philanthropy can turn out to be.
Of course, not everything is so sad, but not so rosy either. There is good in bad and bad in good. While helping people is not a bad idea, it is still not a good idea. There are three cases when I personally tend to refuse help and strongly recommend that you do the same.
Don't help people who don't deserve your help.
It's not that easy. We have been taught all our lives to help others, but now forget about it.
As you grow up, you will realize that you have only two hands: one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
Sam Levenson
Aspiring startups often ask me for advice. I know perfectly well how difficult it is to launch a startup, I went through it myself. And yet I stopped sharing my experience and knowledge for nothing. Once upon a time I was often called for a cup of coffee just to "ask a couple of questions." If you have several million dollars from investors in your bank account, don't even try to peck my brain without the proper reward. Especially if you haven't even bothered to pay for my tea.
These guys don't understand that I have a family to feed, bills to pay, urgent matters that need to be dealt with in time. They do not realize that I will somehow have to compensate for the time spent talking with them by sitting at work until late at night. Since they do not value my time, then I am not going to waste it on them.
If people don't care about you, you don't have to help them. They just don't deserve it.
Now I'm just saying how much an hour of my time is worth. Severely, yes, but life has become easier, and I am happier. People take me much more seriously. If someone finds my services too expensive, I suggest other ways to compensate for the time spent.
Rule 1. Never offer anything for free.
Rule 2. Never forget Rule 1.
The next time someone asks you to, say, speak at a conference for free, don't agree until you get the best deal. If there is no chance of getting a normal fee, ask for a free booth and time to talk about your business, or at least free conference tickets. All this will show the seriousness of the organizers' intentions and how much they need your presence.
People will always try to exploit you if you let them. You don't have time to help everyone. Support only those who truly deserve it.
Remember, the first person you must help is yourself. It's simple: if helping others doesn't bring you joy, stop doing it. Sometimes you have to be selfish and put yourself first. You can safely ignore the public opinion on this matter.
Don't help people who can't appreciate your help.
My biggest weakness is that I really enjoy helping. I support people whether they asked for it or not. This approach can sometimes backfire in the most unexpected way.
One client of mine was doing very badly. My team and I spent several days studying the trending data and understanding what the problem was. It wasn’t part of our assignment, so it didn’t count, we just sincerely worried about the client’s success. My team found several serious problems with his business model and strategy. We told him about it, and he fired us.
We did work that went beyond responsibilities, just out of empathy. We told the client things that he didn't want to hear from us. We lost a client because we tried to help. Finally, now he hates us simply because we voiced our professional opinion.
The surest way to turn a friend into a fierce enemy is to tell him what he doesn't want to hear.
When I offer my help, I sincerely want to help. But often people are simply not ready to accept my support. This is fine. Change takes time, and many are unwilling to change anything. Do not give advice to those who are not ready to listen to it. Sooner or later, these guys will express everything they think about your "failed" advice.
I stopped helping people who don't want to. Minimum AMD, maximum time for yourself.
Don't Help If You Can't Do It Well
This is the most important thing. Offering support when you are not really ready to provide it is not right away. NO. I have done this several times, I still regret it.
One day my father and mother went abroad and asked me to look after their house. I had no idea how to water the flowers. I poured some of them, and some overdried. When the parents returned a month later, all their plants had already died. If I had not offered my help, there would have been someone knowledgeable in this, and my dad's precious flowers would have been alive to this day. By the way, my parents forbade me to even touch the plants with my finger.
If you want to help without the skills or time, your help will be of no use.
It's like learning to paint from a blind man. You are depriving people of the opportunity to find someone who does a better job. As you can see, kindness can be harmful. The easiest way to ruin a relationship is to offer support that you cannot provide.
Finally, everything can be good or bad. It is important for us to find a balance between these extremes. Assess everything carefully before lending a helping hand. If you fail to do this, you will be wasting your time and money and jeopardizing important relationships, personal or professional.
A random act of kindness can change someone's life, or it can break it. If you help the wrong people - miss the chance to support people who really deserve it. Think before you help.
« I was taught to be kind and to help people. I am constantly asked for help and I do not refuse anyone. But they call me a bore. I am constantly busy solving someone’s problems, listening to someone’s sad stories, letting me “live for a week”, taking my friends by car about their business, finding the necessary connections, etc. When I really cannot help (because at this moment I solve the problems of another person), they do not understand me at all, do not believe me and are offended. But I can't be torn! I don’t live my life because I’m busy all the time. Sometimes I have no time to sleep. And what is the answer? I'm already tired that I'm helping someone, and then I hear that this person, whom I helped in something, says nasty things about me. "
Why are people so ungrateful?
People are what they are. There are people who value good and pay for it in the same way. Other people are drawn to you. Our environment reflects our mental state. When you do good selflessly, without expecting gratitude, it will return to you. If you were helping unselfishly, you would not have asked your question.
You ask, what is your self-interest here?
It is very important for you what others think and say of you. This is much more important to you than your personal life, otherwise you would not waste it helping others to your detriment. That is, you do not do good for nothing, but expect people to be grateful for it.
Don't think that gratitude is worthless. After all, when someone says "thank you" or even more, they tell others how wonderful you are, you experience great pleasure.
See how much money people pay to experience pleasure? They travel to warmer regions, go to the cinema and restaurants, buy cars, houses and yachts ... practically people work in order to buy themselves pleasure. You also work for others in the hope that you will be paid with gratitude, that is, your help is not selfless.
But you are not being thanked, that is, you are not being paid for your help! Why?
Because such help is of no value! There is a parable: the disciples asked the Teacher "Here is a man asking me for food, should I give him fish?"
For example, my friend needs to get somewhere and he is used to calling me. I always take him wherever he asks. But my car broke down, a friend calls me, but I cannot help him. That is, I broke all his plans. But if the first time he asked me to give him a ride, I gave him the taxi phone number, then he would never have problems getting to the right place.
You do not help people, when you do something for them, you harm them. When a person faces a task, and he is forced to solve it himself, he develops. When you solve all the problems for him, he degrades. It is just as if the child is carried in his arms all the time, he will never learn to walk. So what to thank you for?
So it turns out that you can't help people?
You need help! But not doing for them what they can handle themselves, but telling them how to do it. If necessary, you can show it once or twice, but they have to solve their problems themselves. When a person who found himself in a difficult situation and turned to you for help, understands how his problem is being solved, and himself (albeit with your help) will solve it, then he will be sincerely grateful to you.
And, by the way, the next time they will not address such a problem, that is, you will already have time for your personal life.
There are other situations as well. When a person asks you to do something, you explain to him how he can do it himself, but he does not want to do it himself, he wants you to do it for him! What to do in such cases?
Explain to the person how much your time is worth. For example, you earn 24 thousand rubles at your main job. in 24 working days. So eight hours of your work cost 1000 rubles, and an hour costs 125 rubles. Offer him your rate. She agrees - great, you will buy yourself pleasure in the form of sweets or something else. He will not agree, you will already know that this person does not value your time, which means that he does not care about your life either. That is, he himself does not want to do it, and if you help him, then you will not receive gratitude from him. Such a person should be refused.
Learn to say no to freeloaders! And don't worry about what they say about you. What do you care what people say about you who don't care about you? As soon as you free your life from the society of such people, others will begin to reach out to you - those who know how to pay. It doesn't matter what, money or kind attitude.
It is necessary to help people. If your friend, or even a stranger broke his leg (that is, he really cannot help himself), then it is your duty to your conscience to take him to the hospital. But if you intend to carry it on a gurney for the rest of your life, spitting on your own life, do not expect that others will not want to spit on it.
I, too, is probably an overly sympathetic person, and I try to earn a good attitude by doing good deeds for myself. And yet, it is a little offensive when your acquaintances, getting into a difficult situation, receive what they need from you, and you try to help, because they really have a problem, and when you are with a “broken leg”, they have things to do, then their own worries ... How to be? In a difficult moment, they turned away, not even encouraged by a word. How, after such situations, do people generally go towards meeting?
Yes, it turns out that way. I was also convinced many times that it is useless to wait for gratitude. The more good you do to someone, the less respect you are. For a long time I could not understand why this is so. Only recently the suspicion crept in that she herself was to blame, because people themselves can cope with their problems. Am I extreme? For some reason, if you start helping, then they begin to think that I should. And if you refuse, they will drink a little and find other fools. I remain good, and the one who took it upon himself becomes the scapegoat. It is a pity, of course, that it is so, but it is so.
I have been a volunteer for 5-6 years and I absolutely agree with you!
Thank you for the article!
Actually, this is a controversial issue. It is necessary to help unambiguously, that is why we are people. Only sometimes you really come across such nonsense that you help from the bottom of your heart, and in response, not only ingratitude, but some kind of consumer attitude, like you dojen. The feeling after that is rather unpleasant, not even indignation, but some kind of annoyance, or something ... And although you help not in the hope of gratitude, but simply out of human motives, but when they answer that way, it seems that it would be better to bark in response, more honest would. But I still help. But it’s so joyful when you see that a person, with your help, has coped with something and is sincerely happy about it. After all, sometimes help is needed only so that a person sees that everything is not so bad in this life, and does not feel abandoned. Such people usually cope further on their own. But for those who take help for granted, I no longer help. If they think that everyone around them owes them, let them themselves feel at least once that they are not the main ones in this life, and no one owes them anything.
Let it be not entirely in the subject, but for some reason I thought that children are not always grateful to their parents. Throughout his adult life, mom and dad went out of their way to raise the child, educate, provide, protect him from any difficulties, make him happy, and that's how it comes out ...
For the last 3 years I have been helping my relatives and friends. As a result, after 3 years, I realized that I had given up everything for myself all the money and wasted time on helping. I wanted to please them so that they would be happy. There was no time for personal life. The people I helped treat me negatively. I realized my mistake only now.
Zhanna, consider that you have received a paid lesson. There remains a sediment, of course, but after all, schoolchildren are not always pleasant to do their homework. It took me many years to understand this. There were insults! Moreover, on both sides ... And now, when everyone lives their own life, not imposing their help on the one hand, and not demanding it on the other, then the relationship has straightened out. But we have a friend, so he really liked helping everyone. There was no personal life, but he liked to madly tinker with everyone, solving other people's problems, despite the fact that he was constantly offended by those to whom he did not have time to do something, as he was busy helping other people. But when his long-awaited child was born, he completely switched to the family. Friends at first called out of habit, but then they themselves somehow resolved. And he didn't even notice it. As a result, it turned out that he simply did not have enough of his child to have someone to take care of.
Who are they - these people who strive to do good? Why do they have this need? Why do those who show kindness respond with ingratitude? Tj3eOI7yW
Happy May Holidays!)
A person does good to another to the detriment of himself, and he is also called selfish! Good self-interest! It seems to me that this sickening, sickening demagogy is being pushed through by ordinary haters of kind people who, by nature, are not capable of such actions, because of their anger and greed. On the other hand, let’s say, I repeat, let’s say that goodness to others, to the detriment of itself, really pursues the main goal of obtaining pleasure from a perfect good deed. The question immediately arises, if this is such a huge self-interest, why are there so few such greedy people? And why, let's say, "classical" self-interested persons prefer to act by directly opposite methods, i.e. doing evil to others, to their own advantage, while, in parallel, accusing good and honest people of selfishness? What prevents them from catching such an incredible, as they try to imagine, the buzz from doing good deeds?
In general, imagine what a wonderful place our world would be if altruism became the main manifestation of self-interest, and a huge (as stated in the article) pleasure for most people would be good deeds towards other people ...
"If you helped unselfishly, you would not ask your question."
"If you help unselfishly, and they spit in your soul in return, you will definitely ask this question."
I completely agree with you. Helping someone who really needs it, a person commits a good deed, and, moreover, completely disinterestedly! Only here we are not talking about good and evil, but about helping people who are quite capable of doing without it. Unfortunately, freebie lovers are not extinct. Giving a bribe to an official whose monthly income exceeds the annual salary of the giver, does he commit a good deed? However, it can also be called material HELP !!! (help him buy a yacht) Or the same act (transfer of money) to a person whose house burned down.
And greed ... it is often subconsciously present in people who are not ready to admit it to themselves. Otherwise, there would be no offense when a person whom you helped once refuses to help you. Resentment is a kind of sensor, did you expect gratitude or not ...
My 80-year-old cousin, a lonely aunt, turned to me for help when she had serious health problems. I couldn't eat, I became weak ... I took her to my place, started taking her to the doctors, they found a tumor, they said they needed to have an operation, no treatment would help. Although it is not known what the outcome will be after the operation, especially at this age. For a month she lived with me, prepared dietary food for her, protected her from all work. She called her friends and said: “I'm here like at a resort.” (We live outside the city). Then she suddenly decided to go home, to the city, and after that she accused me that I hadn't helped her in any way, took her to stupid doctors who wanted to cash in on it, who do not know how to heal, but only cut. That she was stressed because of me, lived for herself and did not know anything ...
After her words, I have a real stress, so as not to fall off myself. I made a conclusion for myself: if you don't want to make enemies for yourself, don't help anyone.
the black bar went iPhone 5c crashed, my laptop does not work at -450r, repairs 8.000r credit took 30.000r to pay off another one, Steam does not work, an unifier is needed, but I didn’t have a phone, so I did the mailing, if anyone can help ... but the admins don’t miss the account number ... Like I'm lying or what ?!
well written, thanks! I myself also came to the same conclusion
Yes, these freeloaders just about ... ate)! Good and Bright people need to do good, + you need to buy food for homeless dogs. And these devils, - who remember when it is necessary to repair the car (of course, free of charge, at the service station it is expensive), or finding themselves after a pyanki in some sort of - a hole without money for the way back; - send such "comrades" away.
I do not regret a bit about the people with whom I stopped communicating in 2017), they are zeros that are doomed to be negative, and I am an interesting, charismatic, talented and modest guy)
In short, do not make sacrifices, and do not help when it is not convenient for you. Surround yourself with positive people
All Beavers
Good article. I discovered a lot for myself. For many years I have been tormented by the question, why even how are you in response to my help? not always asked, let alone grateful.
Yes, indeed, 85 percent of the truth here, I proceed from my experience depriving myself and my family of relatives and friends, and a lush riltse is usually looking for a sucker