I suggest that one of the reasons it can be difficult to get out of a destructive relationship is the victim's lack of awareness that her partner is an abuser and is abusive. Everything is more or less clear with physical violence: hitting means hitting, but psychological violence can have hidden form and be inconspicuous, unless it is open insults and humiliation.
However, just because emotional abuse is not recognized and labeled as abuse does not make it any less damaging to the victim's mental well-being, so I think it's important to be able to recognize it. Knowing what forms it takes will make it easier to recognize it.
So, what types or types of emotional abuse can be distinguished?
1. The first thing that comes to mind is, of course, gaslighting. A universal form of psychological abuse that seems to be present in all destructive relationships. The essence of gaslighting is that the victim is instilled that her perception of reality is not adequate and some other understanding of what is happening is imposed, one that is convenient for the aggressor.
For example, that it is completely normal if a husband walks alone at night with other girls while his wife is at home with a child, or that in fact no one raised their voice, but everything seemed to the victim. Also, for example, gaslighting is the accusation of the victim that all the problems in the relationship are because of her. , and the aggressor is a white and fluffy suffering bunny. To understand what is happening, you can describe the events as non-judgmentally as possible, in the form of facts, and then read them, imagining that this is not your story. Still resist gaslighting very much.
If someone convinces you that your understanding of reality is subjective and his is objective, know that this is manipulation. You can read more about manipulation and how to resist them in my article:.
It is surprising that sometimes not only the abuser partner is gaslighting, but also the victim’s inner circle: “You exaggerate”, “Your life is not so bad”, “Everyone lives like this”, “You put pressure on him/her, it’s nobody won't like it." The person to whom all this is instilled, and the truth begins to seem that something is wrong with him, that he is too emotional, and instead of believing his feelings and increasing the distance with the abuser, he begins to scold himself for them.
A lot has been written about gaslighting and interestingly, I will not retell everything. You can read more about this, for example, in an article on the Psychologies website: "" or on the Women's Club website:.
2. Visholding- this is a diversion of the conversation away from the topic that concerns you. It can manifest itself in the form of talking about the problem, joking, or leaving important questions unanswered. The person does not seem to refuse to talk to you, but the conversation turns out to be absolutely fruitless, nothing can be clarified or explained. After such conversations, a feeling of devastation and helplessness remains.
3. Neglect is another passive form of violence. Neglect (neglect) translated from English - neglect, inattention, negligence. It is defined as the inability and/or unwillingness to provide care, assistance and support to adults and children for whom the abuser is responsible.
This is one of the most severe forms of emotional abuse and has the worst effect on the health of the victim. Includes devaluation of the physiological needs and health of the victim, as well as economic violence. Variants of neglect: refusal to use protection during sex; intentional "mistakes" in contraception leading to pregnancy; shifting all household responsibilities to one person and refusing to help; pushing the victim to plastic surgery; refusing to put on headphones while gaming or listening to music/watching movies when the other wants to sleep and more.
“If your interests, opinions, needs are neglected, this is neglect. If you are left without help, attention, care and attention in a situation where you are helpless and / or it is dangerous for your health and life, this is neglect. If, in response to a request for help, you hear “you don’t need it,” this is a neglect. If your needs are called whimsical and/or ignored, this is a neglect. If you are denied basic needs for good nutrition, sleep, rest, security, shelter, clothing, medical care, treatment is neglect. If a partner “forgets” all the time and violates your agreements, if he pushes his responsibilities for caring for children, home, pets onto you, this is neglect.” You can also learn more about neglect with examples in.
4. emotional blackmail- an increase in emotional distance, a coldness in relationships, a boycott if you do something wrong as the abuser needs. Those. the abuser, as it were, says: “I won’t communicate with you if you do / don’t do this.” This is not just an insult as a reaction to some difficulties in the relationship, this is a deliberate punishment of the "naughty" partner. Emotional blackmail can be very painful, even if the victim understands that the abusive partner is doing it on purpose to get her to behave in a certain way. Especially this kind of abuse hurts those who experienced this kind of parental rejection as children. Unfortunately, this often happens. Probably, each of us has more than once witnessed situations when children are told: “You are behaving badly, I am not friends with you.” If you are being emotionally blackmailed, the best thing you can do for yourself at this moment is.
Emotional blackmail should be distinguished from inevitable consequences. Inevitable consequences are things that happen out of your control, that are not done on purpose, and that cannot be changed or prevented. For example, resentment is a natural spontaneous reaction to rough treatment from the outside. loved one. Resentment consists of pain and anger, the purpose of which is to increase distance. Not wanting to communicate intimately and intimately with the aggressor is normal and is not emotional blackmail.
5. Criticism of appearance, personality, character.
Any unsolicited criticism of a person's qualities is a violation of his boundaries. Unfortunately, this is such a common activity that it is often perceived as a normal part of communication. This is especially true in parent-child relationships.
Many parents think that it is their duty to point out to the child his "flaws", to remind him that he is lazy, inattentive, careless, that he has bad character etc., because: "If not me, then who will tell him about this?"
But the problem is that any assessment is subjective, and besides, by negatively evaluating the child, we form a negative self-concept for him and he will behave in the future only confirming it. So there is no benefit from this, but there is a lot of harm. A negative assessment of a person is always unfair, because. overgeneralizes, it hurts, lowers the self-esteem of a person and creates a feeling that something is wrong with him.
However, having received the experience of criticism from parents in childhood, we, even in adulthood, in close and not very close relationships, can take criticism for granted or simply get lost, not knowing how to react to it. I think one acceptable response is, “I didn't ask you to give me your opinion. Please don't do this."
6. Control, inadequate jealousy. Control of the actions, movements, social circle of one person by another is rarely (and is it ever?) voluntary on both sides, which means that the abuser invades the victim’s personal space using manipulation, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, etc. At some point this, like other boundary violations, may seem like normal communication loving people. However, if you don't like it, then it's not normal.
My other articles on destructive relationships.
Emotional violence, unlike physical violence, occurs imperceptibly, and sometimes the victim of emotional pressure does not immediately understand what is happening around. Emotional abuse is no less dangerous than physical abuse, it undermines self-esteem, causes unreasonable feelings of guilt and inferiority, which over time can lead to depression or a nervous breakdown.
Emotional abuse can occur between parent and child, husband and wife, relatives and friends, work colleagues and superiors. Without consciously expressing their past grievances in words, the offender himself often does not understand that he is inflicting mental trauma on another person.
These signs of emotional abuse will help you understand whether you are a victim or an aggressor.
Signs of a victim of emotional abuse
1. Insult, humiliation, ignoring, condemning criticism:
- You are publicly ridiculed.
- You are often teased, insulting, caustic jokes are released in your direction.
- In response to your indignation, they accuse you of excessive "tenderness" and sensitivity ("Don't you understand jokes?").
- You are being told that your feelings or opinions are "wrong".
- You are intentionally avoided, your opinions, thoughts, suggestions and feelings are ignored.
2. Dominance, control, shaming and guilt:
- You feel like you are being treated like a child.
- You are constantly being reprimanded because they consider your behavior "inappropriate".
- You feel that you always have to "get permission" before taking any action ("Step right, step left - shooting, jumping on the spot - provocation!", "Initiative - punishable").
- Discuss your financial expenses.
- They treat you like you're worse than them.
- They make you feel like they are always right about everything.
- Remind you of your shortcomings.
- They exalt their achievements, aspirations, plans, belittling yours.
- Always give a disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous assessment of your actions.
Signs of an emotional aggressor
1. When accusing, makes trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, while denying his shortcomings:
- Accuses the victim of something far-fetched.
- Can't laugh at himself.
- Extremely sensitive to any comment addressed to him.
- Can't ask for forgiveness.
- Always justifies his behavior and often blames other people or circumstances for his mistakes.
2. Emotional distance and silence, isolation or rejection:
- Satisfies basic needs or uses neglect as punishment for the victim's "misbehaving".
- Constantly violates "personal boundaries" and shows disregard for your desires and feelings.
- He himself plays the victim, blames others, and does not take responsibility for his actions and deeds.
3. Interdependence:
- Refers to the victim not as a separate person, but as an extension of himself.
- Does not respect the opinion of the victim and dictates what, in his opinion, is best for her.
- Requires constant contact, as he has not developed a healthy social circle.
people long time It is difficult for those under emotional pressure to distinguish emotional abuse from normal relationships, as they often do not imagine that it is possible to live in any other way. Sometimes it takes years to realize this.
Characteristics of a healthy relationship:
- Emotional support, willingness to help.
- The right to own opinions and feelings, even if they are radically different from the opinions and views of another person.
- Encouragement of interests and achievements.
- Absence of physical or emotional threats, including outbursts of anger and rage.
- A respectful attitude that avoids swearing or verbal abuse.
How to stop emotional abuse?
1. Think about the problem in a calm environment
Emotional backlash in the midst of a heated argument, even if your claims are legitimate, is a recipe for disaster. Instead of making accusations that start with "You", such as "You're such a fool, you don't understand anything!", try to use "I" statements, such as "It hurts and hurts when you raise your voice at me."
2. If you feel that a reasonable and relaxed conversation cannot work, write a letter
Describe in it the problem that concerns you, write a few options her permission, while trying to avoid an accusatory tone that can provoke the anger of another person. For example, the phrase "You laughed at me, I hate you" should be replaced with the words "I feel that I was ridiculed and humiliated." The advantage of this method is that you can express your thoughts as accurately as possible and be sure that your proposal is as constructive as possible.
3. Feel free to ask a trusted friend or family member for support.
Looking at the situation from the outside will help to give an objective assessment of your actions. In addition, it can help to completely change the attitude towards the problem and enlist friendly support for the future:
- Don't turn to a mutual friend for support. Anyone who feels obligated to another person cannot objectively assess the situation. Instead, try to confide in someone you know well and who has no obligation to your abuser.
- Do not make of someone who is trusted a "vest for tears and despair." It's perfectly normal to turn to a close friend in times of trouble for advice, but it shouldn't be the only focus of your relationship. Otherwise, he may think that you are only using him to complain about life, thus you can get another problematic relationship. When you feel like you've crossed this fine line, switch the conversation to another topic.
4. Seek help from a specialist
If the situation has escalated so much that it is out of your control, seek the help of a professional psychologist.
5. Break the vicious circle
How to avoid repeating past mistakes and not “stepping on the same rake” in the future:
- Be careful in relationships. Do not abuse the trust of others and do not become a victim of consumer relations yourself.
- Don't take the offender's actions to heart. You, too, are not always fair to other people, so don't feel like a victim.
Psychology of relations. Julia Shadrunova
Emotional abuse - what is it? And what are its signs?
Emotional, or as it is also called, psychological violence is a form of violence in which a certain climate is formed in a family or relationship. It is always an indicator of imbalance when one dominates and the other obeys.
As for the signs, the first is fear. Fear and anxiety. If your partner causes fear in you, then from now on you need to closely study what is really going on between you, because emotional abuse has different forms. This does not have to be rude and blunt, in the form of death threats or verbal abuse, not at all.
How does emotional abuse manifest itself and why do people give in?
These can be hurtful remarks, caustic jokes, often public, that hurt your dignity or are aimed at your physical features. Almost always, emotional abusers want to control their partners to some extent, they can forbid them to meet with friends, relatives, visit certain places, up to a ban on work or study. They manipulate, threaten, shift their responsibility to the victim, instill a sense of guilt. As an option - this is gross intimidation, a demonstration of one's strength, but not a beating, but a warning about such a possibility. This also includes humiliation and belittling of significance, depreciation of the partner's achievements.
If a person suffers humiliation, insults, does not fight back, does this mean that he is comfortable? Or is he unable to answer?
Of course it doesn't. In a situation with emotional abuse, there can be no question of any comfort. The victim lives in fear and is constantly forced to control himself in order not to do something “wrong”. Constantly trying to calculate the partner’s reaction to each of his actions, and this takes a lot vitality and energy. And if someone silently endures and does not take any action, this does not mean at all that he likes everything. Usually not enough own forces, few resources, too strong dependence on abusive partner. In addition, if there are common children, there may be a threat of losing children.
What does it depend on?
It happens differently. If you got into such a toxic relationship from the very beginning, then you need to look at what happened in your parental family. Because the very first relationship patterns are formed there. And if a child is used to the fact that no one is interested in his opinion, if he is used to humiliation, insults, to the fact that he cannot dispose of himself, his things, then, having created his own family, this former child will definitely repeat the model of relationships familiar to him.
It also depends on the degree of autonomy and the availability of own resources. If you are self-supporting, have a job, a place to live, friends and family to support you, then the chances that you will endure mistreatment are greatly reduced. But when you are completely dependent on your partner, you can only rely on his decency here. That is why often the first difficulties arise when a woman gives birth to a child and goes on maternity leave. And, gradually, equal partnerships move out of balance and fertile ground for violence appears.
Is pressure from relatives also emotional abuse? (for example, it's time to get married, it's time to have children, etc.)
Depending on what pressure and depending on how old you are. If it's about little child who is completely dependent on his parents, then, of course, the directive and authoritarian style of education deprives him of the opportunity to manifest his own will and desires. If we are talking about an adult, then the question arises that it is time to separate (including emotionally) from their parents and start living their own lives. First of all, of course, we need to reduce our economic dependence and move towards independence. If you have your own housing, work, friends and your own interests, then your mother’s words about grandchildren or marriage will no longer bother you so much. One needs to understand simple thing: in equal respects, violence is impossible. If one loves or is attached more, this is an unequal relationship. If one depends more, it is an unequal relationship. And so on, the scheme is one.
How to properly behave when you are hurt?
If you find yourself in a situation of violence, you need to leave. There are no other options here. Another question is how it happened that you did not immediately notice it. If you can’t leave right now for some reason, then you should definitely think about what can be done to stop depending on the aggressor. There is always a way out. If the situation has gone too far, you should not be shy and not afraid to seek help - from relatives, friends or for professional help to a psychologist. No need to come up with some kind of reciprocal moves, special phrases, or behave in such a way as not to give a reason - it all does not work. You just need to save yourself by getting out of a toxic situation.
What can emotional abuse escalate into?
Emotional abuse can escalate, and often escalates, if the victim does not fight back, into physical abuse. If a person is prone to violence, and did not accidentally give out an unusual reaction to some situation, then he will not be able to stop if he is not stopped. If for some reason an internal ethics has not been formed that prohibits such treatment of a partner or a person in general, then only an external force can stop him.
Is emotional abuse more dangerous than physical abuse?
In terms of a threat to life, of course, the physical is more dangerous. But emotional abuse is less noticeable, because here the aggressor attacks the personality of the partner, and for others (and sometimes for the victim herself), such injuries are not always obvious. Shattered self-esteem cannot be seen, and the damage done to the personality by the rapist can often be seen only indirectly, or when he is already so strong that it cannot be ignored. This is the danger of emotional abuse.
If already full swing physical violence is committed, why are they silent about it? Why is it considered humiliating to tell someone about it, to ask for help?
Very often, the victims say that it is a shame to take out "dirty rubbish in public." Or very intimidated and dependent. In addition, they are afraid of accusations against them from others, something like “there is no smoke without fire” or the traditional “it’s my own fault”. Sometimes this happens, unfortunately. But you need to understand what I have already said above: the problem of violence is not the problem of the wrong behavior of the victim, it is only the internal ethical problem of the aggressor, the absence of taboos. Responsibility for violence lies with the perpetrator. No matter how the victim “provokes” him, he always has a theoretical opportunity to stop. I say "theoretical" because the rapist also necessarily has objective factors that led to the fact that his personality was formed in this way.
Often we do not think about the fact that the behavior of others, their words, actions are acts of emotional violence against us. The most common examples are: harsh criticism, rejection, attempts to control the decisions we make, restriction of the freedom to manage our time, manipulation in order to force us to do things that we do not want to do.
Victims of emotional abuse feel completely powerless in dealing with someone who is emotionally abusive. Therefore, it is extremely important for them to find internal resources for the struggle.
First of all, it is important to develop self-confidence and communication skills.
This is often easier said than done, since the “rapist” may have all the levers of power: for example, he is the only one in the family who earns money or even controls any movement of family members and their connection with the outside world.
Since the aggressor absolutely does not need his victim to accept independent solutions or could speak freely, she herself has to look for strength and resources in herself to counteract emotional abuse.
First of all, it is important to develop self-confidence and communication skills. If you are not also at risk of physical abuse, it is important to find Right words to adequately respond to manifestations of emotional abuse.
1. When someone makes decisions for you
Do you realize you're trying to make a decision for me without even asking my opinion? I have my wants and needs. When you decide what is best for me, it feels like I am under your control, and this is an unpleasant feeling. I want to be actively involved in decision making. I am independent and deserve respect.
2. When you are criticized harshly
When you speak to me in such a tone and use such unpleasant words, it humiliates me. Most likely, you yourself (a) do not understand how much it hurts me. Of course, if you want to hurt me and ruin my mood, you can continue to talk like that, but I still ask you to stop.
3. When someone ignores your needs or refuses to help
I have needs too. If you ignore them and refuse to help me, I feel rejected (oh), like you don't care what happens to me at all. You don't care about me at all? If not, please, somehow respond to my requests for help. You are important to me (important), and I would like reciprocity.
4. When you are being abused or threatened
What you are doing now is cruel. Do you understand it? You're scaring me. Understand, it is very difficult to live with a person who is cruel to you. Please stop, I want to feel safe around you.
5. When your partner takes it out on the kids
I don't know what kind of relationship you want to build with your kids, but if you keep going like this, you won't have any at all. Your son will someday abandon you, and you will never see him again - and this will be a direct consequence of how you are behaving now. Do you want this?
What's next?
These are not magic spells and you will most likely encounter resistance. But you have to start somewhere. In order to set clear boundaries and "get through" to the person who is showing emotional abuse, you will need to learn how to constantly communicate with him in a serious, adult way, thinking through your words.
Practice. If the above answers (paraphrased to suit your specific situation) help, use them. Words have great power and can change a lot. Not all "emotional abusers" will be able or willing to change, but some will eventually change their behavior.
Only you can set the limits of your patience and ultimately decide if it's time to cut that person out of your life altogether. In the meantime, find the right words for yourself that will give you strength.
about the author
Mike BundrantMike Bundrant- psychotherapist, NLP trainer, founder and head of the training center iNLP.