Despite the fact that we constantly experience certain emotions (albeit not always strongly and clearly expressed), it is far from always easy to understand our own emotional state, to correctly recognize our emotions.
Not without reason, both in art and in many psychological currents, the view of emotions as the "dark" side dominates - something powerful, but unknowable, captivating a person, literally forcing him to act this way and not otherwise. The reasons lie in the very features of this psychological phenomenon.
Firstly , emotions rarely appear in their pure form - almost always a person experiences some more or less complex combination of different emotions.
Secondly , the physiological reactions that accompany each of the emotions have much in common: increased breathing and heart rate, muscle tension can be “symptoms” of fear, anger, and joyful anticipation. Therefore, bodily sensations, too, not only do not bring clarity to the recognition of a particular emotion, but, on the contrary, can give erroneous clues.
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Thirdly , each of us with early childhood learn to manage emotions. Unfortunately, ideas about how exactly this should be done are mainly determined by culture and traditions, but far from always correspond to the psychological well-being of each individual. One of the first to be attacked by society is the emotion of anger: in most modern cultures (and certainly in Europe!) anger is considered unacceptable, harmful, dangerous.
It is clear that limiting the free expression of anger is a measure necessary for the survival of society. On the other hand, it is impossible to destroy this emotion for good, like the bubonic plague or smallpox virus: it is technically impossible, and besides, even if such a magical remedy were found, it would still be unacceptable to use it - after all, anger is necessary for a person to survive, in order to to protect yourself or others at the right time.
The result is a very ambiguous situation: anger is familiar to each of us, but we have learned from a young age that we “should not” experience it, much less show it.
A little less sharply, but also quite actively disapproved of by society, is the emotion of fear. Seemingly positive emotions such as joy and interest are also persecuted: children are constantly told that they should not show excessive curiosity, and also express their enthusiasm too violently - especially if the occasion, from the point of view of adults, does not deserve it.
As a result, we “do not recognize” many of our emotions simply because we consider them unacceptable.
And it turns out a vicious circle: emotions are considered "unreasonable", difficult to control, dangerous. Therefore, they are trying with all their might to curb - to suppress or completely subordinate to conscious regulation, forbidding their free experience and expression. As a result, we increasingly lose contact with our own emotional sphere, and due to the fact that we do not understand our emotions well, we find ourselves defenseless under their onslaught.
From what has already been said, it probably becomes clear how important it is to learn to understand your emotional world, to distinguish and be aware of your emotions. Regardless of how you are going to deal with them - to put them under control of the mind or freely express - for starters, you still need to understand what exactly you feel. Psychologists are tirelessly developing methods to teach people to recognize and understand emotions.
One of these methods is sensitivity training (i.e. sensitivity development).
The famous psychologist Carl Rogers described what is happening in the framework of such training as follows.
The leader of the training invites the audience to talk about themselves, their feelings, but he himself is limited to only a few remarks from time to time, in no case taking on a leadership role - which, of course, the participants of the training initially expect from him. Quite quickly, participants begin to experience confusion and irritation, since the current situation is incomprehensible to them: after all, usually people who apply for psychological help, they expect that the psychologist will “treat” them - ask them in detail, give recommendations. In fact, in the conditions of group training, the main healing and developing value is the relationship, the interaction that arises between people. After the situation in the group heats up to a certain high point, participants begin to more or less openly express their emotions - even if initially negative, associated with irritation and misunderstanding of what is happening.
An increase in the overall emotional degree leads to the fact that the group members become more frank, and this allows you to create new, trusting relationships between them. Gradually, an atmosphere of sincerity and mutual interest arises, people stop hiding their true feelings.
The sensitivity of the participants really increases, they learn to recognize the emotions of the people around them, notice and criticize those participants who are trying to be hypocritical or hide behind some kind of mask. Such an intense exchange of emotions, a constant Feedback between group members lead to the fact that people begin to more accurately recognize and understand both the emotions of other people and their own.
It is important to note: immersion in such a boiling "emotional cauldron" for someone can be not only not useful, but also truly dangerous!
We all need to be able to understand our emotions and the experiences of other people, but not everyone is ready to be in an environment of complete frankness and sometimes ruthless criticism. Sensitivity training (like any other psychological training, implying extremely close interaction with group members) can be of great benefit, but for a person who has a heightened sensitivity to criticism, who does not have more or less stable self-esteem, this method can cause painful psychological trauma.
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emotional consciousness
Usually, we rarely think about the true causes of many of our reactions, actions, deeds, rarely think about what kind of world surrounds us. And even less often why we see the world the way we see it. Perhaps, if we take into account the fact that "how many people - so many ideas," our vision of the world, and therefore our reactions, are also not absolutely true and objective. Once upon a time in antiquity, a famous philosopher named Plato compared our world to a cave, and us to the prisoners imprisoned in it. Moreover, we are already born in this cave in such a way that the chains that bind us keep us with our backs to the entrance and allow us to see only the shadows on the wall in front of us, the shadows of what is happening outside. Therefore, we see only reflections, an illusion, and not reality itself. What is the cause of illusions?
Have you ever thought that our world, the world in which each of us lives, is in some sense created by our own emotions? It is worth giving one simple example: if we have good mood If we are happy with everything, doesn't it seem to us that life is "beautiful and amazing", and the people around are kindness itself, that everything around is painted in pink and blue, joyful tones? In moments of depression, resentment, fatigue, don’t the same life seem dull and disgusting to us, the same people - angry and opposed to us, and everything around us, doesn’t it seem to us gray, dirty, black, disgusting? What has changed? Our emotions!
Let's try to understand the nature and functions of our emotions, remembering, however, that a person is not limited to them. The first thing we can notice is that although the range and shades of emotions are almost endless, in general they can be divided into positive and negative. There are things that cause us pleasure and joy, there are those that cause pain, fear, disgust ... Also, we can notice that the first reaction to what happens to us is precisely emotional. In a word, it is thanks to emotions that we get the first idea about things, it is emotions that evaluate them, and in many respects determine our attitude towards them in the future. Thanks to emotions, there are things that we "like" and there are things that we "don't like". But that's not all, and this is very important - there are things that for us, in a sense, do not exist, since they do not evoke emotions at all.
Billions and billions of human beings live or have ever lived in this world, among them there are our loved ones, relatives, friends, just acquaintances, and an endless mass of those whom we have never known and will never know. All these people, great and small, noble and low, good and evil, outwardly are very similar to each other. However, looking at them through the eyes of our emotions, we will see that in our "cave" someone whom we are very afraid of or very fond of will turn out to be a giant, someone less significant to us will be smaller, while the rest will become practically invisible, merging into one distant common mass. As Vladimir Mayakovsky said: "Perhaps the nail in my boot is more terrible than the whole fantasy of Goethe." It can be seen that emotions reflect the strength (but not the depth) of our personal connections and relationships with other people and things. They show the degree of our personal interest, our personal participation, our personal involvement in this or that event. We experience this or that thing precisely thanks to emotions, they give us a direct feeling of life, they allow us to feel behind the game of an actor or the action of a book character real life and experience it as if it were happening to us. They draw us into their flow, making us from distant witnesses into original "participants" in events, sometimes fictitious, and we love or hate, unconsciously following the author's intention. Emotions connect our little "I" with that which surrounds us with very close, but invisible bonds of sympathy or antipathy. And we must admit that based on this emotional assessment, without realizing it ourselves, we build our ideas about the world, about people, based on it, we react and act. It is quite understandable that, being purely personal and depending on many changing conditions, both external and, especially, internal, little conscious of us, such ideas and reactions often turn out to be erroneous. And what we do not like, we call "bad" without much thought, and what we like - "good".
Thus, emotions are the "conductor" of consciousness, coloring and transforming reality like a distorted mirror in a laughter room, depending on our preferences, moods, habits... In everyday life, this causes many mistakes and disappointments, many hasty decisions and actions. The problem is that we do not separate things from their emotional reflections, and while we judge and "analyze" our vague personal impressions, we think we are analyzing objective reality. Naturally, the above cannot be taken as an unchanging reality for any person. As experience shows, the ability to separate one's emotions from reality is a matter of a person's inner maturity, his life experience, his development. In general, three stages in the development of emotional consciousness can be distinguished.
At the first stage, our consciousness perceives the world through a changeable play of sensations. At this time, for a person, there is only what he directly feels, feels, sees, hears, touches ... He is like an animal or a baby, unable to connect impressions with each other and create a stable image or picture of reality. Of the huge number of operating internal and external factors, he reacts to the strongest, the one that displaces all the others, becoming a kind of center of an undeveloped infantile consciousness. A separate, individual "I", the one that thinks and makes decisions, is absent at this stage. More precisely, there is no separation between "I" and "not-I", the child does not separate himself from the world around him, given to him in his sensations. All actions, reactions are nothing more than the consequences of his sensations and reflexes or habits. Our "I" at this stage merges with what we are currently experiencing, and it is this one experience that makes up our entire world at the moment. Unfortunately, this condition does not always end with childhood, but only becomes more complicated, retaining its essence. It is worth remembering how often any more or less serious problem becomes the "end of the world" for us, and we no longer perceive anything besides it, it is the center of our infantile consciousness, it is our "I". Whether it's a toothache or an insult caused by someone, "I" is so weak that I can not resist the onslaught of "feelings". The transition to the second stage occurs quite imperceptibly, unconsciously, when in the course of its natural development, our "I" becomes stronger and more stable.
At the second stage, when we have already learned to simply separate ourselves from our own feelings, and our life has ceased to be a pendulum swing between euphoria and depression, emotional consciousness creates his own little world, in the center of which is our "I". Now emotions are the only link between "I" and "not-I". They reflect our personal attitude to things around us, our likes and dislikes. The world thus created is very narrow, subjective and egocentric. In it we confuse the objective world and our subjective impressions. It is to this stage that everything that we talked about emotions in the first part of the article applies to the greatest extent. At this stage, all known mechanisms are manifested to the greatest extent. psychological protection like extrusion. In obedience to the instinct inherent in the psyche, emotional consciousness seeks to obtain maximum pleasure in any possible and available forms. And, at the same time, he tries to minimize all negative experiences, including those caused by memories of past failures and problems. It operates on the basis of the well-known "principle of pleasure", leading us away from the real perception of life. What you do not like is simply not perceived, denied, or very soon forgotten. But we perceive our ideas and the fruits of our own fantasies as something real and tangible. And this once again shows that in our still infantile consciousness, objective and subjective, external and internal are practically not separated. Consciousness and "I" are still under the control of emotions, we see only what we want to see. A simple example of this is sometimes our disputes, when we, foaming at the mouth, prove to each other something that we ourselves know nothing about, but it just seems to us that this is "exactly so." Or our "pink" illusions, when we believe that the whole world will change, as soon as we want to.
The further way requires already significant conscious efforts. We need to try to understand the meaning of things and events happening to us, to get to their essence. Every time we make a decision, it is necessary to make an effort to stop and consider the case from all sides, not limited to the assessment that emotions dictate to us. It is necessary to make an effort not to consider yourself "always and in everything right." It takes a conscious effort to learn to recognize real reasons our emotions, thoughts, ideas... In general, self-knowledge is necessary.
The third stage can be called the stage of maturity. The "pleasure principle" is replaced by the "reality principle". A person is able to separate his "I" from his emotions and feelings, able to rise above them. He is also able to recognize where the objective world is and where his own feelings, thoughts, ideas are. At this stage, a person subordinates his emotions, feelings, thoughts to conscious control ... Emotions become conductors of much deeper states of the human soul. Directed in the right direction, they are one of the tools of a true creator, able to touch the very depths of the hearts of other people. This ability - most clearly manifested in genuine, truly great poets, musicians, actors, orators ... - makes possible the existence of art, as the ability to convey deep ideas, the essence and meaning of things. Let us recall, for example, Innokenty Smoktunovsky as Hamlet. It is difficult for us, perhaps, to understand this - how one can convey emotions without being captured by them. But imagine a musician who, due to excitement and inspiration, cannot control his fingers, or a singer whose voice breaks from emotions. Thus, at this stage, emotions should no longer be uncontrolled reactions, becoming only a form for conveying an internal state. In addition to emotions, other forces of our soul come to the forefront of our life, our actions. A person overcomes the chaotic, irrational influence of emotions, awakening the ability to understand and recognize the essence of things. The deeper and more stable factors of reason, intuition and will become the conductor of our consciousness.
And in conclusion, we can add that, as experience shows, the elements of all three stages are intertwined. No matter how contradictory a person is internally, nevertheless, he is a fairly complete system, where everything is interconnected. The development of consciousness is a continuous process that does not have clear and unambiguous boundaries. It involves many factors and forces, both external and internal, but only a small part of them is available for observation.
This path of seeking maturity requires a great deal of conscious effort. This is the path of self-education, and in a sense it is inevitable for every person. It remains only a question of time and desire.
Ilya Barabash
Resource URL: [email protected]
They are the thread that connects us with other people and saturates our life with meaning. They are the foundation of our self-understanding and relationship with other people.
When we are aware and in control of our emotions, we can think sensibly and creatively; cope with stress and challenges; communicate well with other people; trust, empathize and exude confidence. But when we lose control emotions, and we immediately fall into confusion, withdraw into ourselves and plunge into negativity. Recognizing and overcoming your own emotions we gain control over how we respond to challenges, improve our ability to communicate and enjoy harmonious relationships. This is the advantage we get by developing emotional awareness.
What is emotional awareness?
Whether we control them or not, emotions constantly present in our lives, underpinning and influencing everything we do. Under emotional awareness meaning what we feel and why. It is the ability to identify and express what we feel from moment to moment and understand the connection between our feelings and actions. Emotional awareness it also helps to understand how others are feeling and express sympathy for them.
Emotional awareness consists of two main abilities:
The ability to recognize from moment to moment your emotional state;
Ability to manage your emotions without feeling overwhelmed.
Why is it important to be aware emotions?
Have you ever felt that depression, anxiety or anger control you? Do you often act impulsively, doing or saying things that you shouldn't have said or later regretted? Are you feeling disconnected from your feelings or emotionally drained? Do you feel uncomfortable communicating with other people and making important connections? Do you feel satisfied that your life is on track? emotions like a roller coaster - a continuous extreme and no balance? All of this has to do with understanding problems. emotions.
Your emotions, not thoughts, control you. Without awareness of our feelings, it is impossible to fully understand our behavior, to properly manage our emotions and actions, and accurately "accept" the desires of other people.
Emotional awareness will help you:
Recognize who you really are: what you like and dislike, understand your needs;
Understand and show empathy to other people when they need it;
communicate clearly and effectively;
Make wise decisions that are based on things that are very important to you;
Be motivated and take action to achieve goals;
Build strong, healthy and mutual relationships.
How developed emotional awareness will help you gain vitality
| "My life is like an emotional roller coaster!" | Life doesn't have to be emotional peaks and valleys. Learning to manage emotions You will be able to avoid emotional peaks and valleys. |
| "I often regret my words and actions" | If you often have the thought of pressing the back button, you will be able to gain emotional awareness, prolonging periods of calm between stresses. |
| "I have no energy." | Moping? When you're physically fine, but you still can't "get up and go," you are more likely to become depressed. In the case of a developed emotional awareness, You can change what you feel and change for the better. |
| "The people I'm interested in aren't interested in me." | Relationships are complex, however, if you develop emotional awareness, You will find it easier to meet people and make new useful connections. |
| "I don't feel like I'm moving forward despite hard work and mental ability." | Sometimes moving forward career ladder means more than just the study of books and the effort to make this progress. Education emotional awareness helps to improve communication and strengthen one's position. |
| "They call me a robot." | There is such a thing as excessive emotional control. If you kept yourself in check so much that you did not show emotions in general, you will only benefit from acquiring a balance of your feelings. |
We develop your emotional awareness
Although emotional awareness is the key to emotional health, pleasant communication and stable relationships, most people remain completely unfamiliar with their emotional experience. It's amazing how few people can answer the question, "What are you emotionally feeling right now?"
What is your level emotional awareness?
- Can you deal with strong feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, disgust and joy?
Do you feel emotions in your body? If you are sad or angry, do you feel it in your stomach or chest?
Have you made decisions based on how you feel or emotions when making decisions? When your body hinted that something was wrong (squeezing in the stomach, hair standing on end, etc.) did you believe him?
Do you feel comfortable with all your emotions? Do you allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, or fear without feeling judged for it or without trying to suppress it?
Do you pay attention to daily emotional change? You catch a lot of changing emotions throughout the day or do you get stuck and only experience one or two of them?
Are you comfortable talking about your emotions? Do you share your feelings frankly?
Do you feel that in general most people understand and sympathize with your feelings? Are you comfortable when others know about your feelings?
Do you listen to other people's feelings? Is it easy for you to understand what other people feel and imagine yourself in their place?
If you don't answer "usually yes" or "sometimes yes" to most of the questions, don't worry, you're not alone. Most people lack emotional awareness. It will be absent even if you try to avoid your feelings for an extended period of time.
By learning to recognize and manage your emotions, you will experience great joy and relief along with an improvement in your relationship.
When we can't handle stress emotions can take over us
You won't be able to handle your emotions until you learn how to deal with stress. unpredictable. We never know what emotional response will follow, and when stress strikes, we usually don't have the time or opportunity to rebalance, such as by going for a run or taking a relaxing bath. What you need is the tools to deal with it the moment it occurs.
Emotional awareness depends on your ability to quickly reduce stress
Emotional awareness requires the ability to cope with stress as it arises. The ability to quickly deal with stress allows you to safely survive strong emotions knowing that you remain calm and in control even when something upsets you. Once you know how to relax yourself, you take control of the situation and can begin to explore. emotions that were uncomfortable for you or frightened you.
Emotion is a sword with a double blade that can help or hurt
If you are a person who does not know how to deal with emotions, or live with such a person, the sensations can bring you fear or devastation. Fear and helplessness can freeze or turn off your innate ability to think rationally and can push you into words or actions that you later regret saying or doing.
Basic ways to take control or avoid emotions that bring you discomfort
Many exciting and unacceptable behaviors are the result of a failure to take control emotional stress during a certain situation. Instead, you can try to take control or avoid difficult emotions:
Distracting yourself obsessive thoughts, helping to distract fantasies, useless pastime in order to avoid emotions that you fear or dislike. Watching TV programs, playing games on the computer and browsing the Internet are the main ways we use to avoid meeting our feelings;
Using one emotional response that is comfortable for you, regardless of the situation. For example, you constantly joke, trying to cover up self-doubt, anger, fear or sadness;
Turning off your intense emotions. If you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, You can deal with this by completely disabling your emotions. At this point, you may get the impression that you have no feelings as such.
Consider the peak unpleasant emotions:
Anger can be both dangerous and beneficial. Uncontrolled anger can endanger the lives of others and our own. However, anger can also save and keep a life. Anger is an emotion, the manifestation of which is accompanied by the mobilization of a large amount of energy. This energy can be used to save life, and itself emotion enhances the craving for exploits;
Sadness can lead to depression, or it can be the key to emotional healing. Sadness is designed to slow down a person, his thinking, so that he comes to terms with what he feels emotionally. Sadness pushes us to open up, trust, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to heal and recover from loss;
The fear that overwhelms us is debilitating, but fear also triggers saving reactions that protect us from harm. Fear is deeply embedded emotion, which is often the cause of chronic anger or depression. Overwhelming fear can be a barrier that separates us from other people, but let's not forget that fear keeps us alive by signaling danger.
Why avoid unpleasant emotions is not the answer
We are all born with the ability to experience the full range of human emotions- joy, anger, sadness and fear. So far, many people have been separated from a few or all of their senses.
People who have been traumatized as children are very often separated from their emotions and the physical sensations that these emotions cause. But while you are trying to avoid pain and discomfort, your emotions become distorted. You lose touch with your emotions when you try to control or avoid them instead of experiencing them.
Consequences of ignoring emotions:
You don't know yourself. This is one of the most serious consequences. It includes understanding one's behavior in various situations, the value of things, the difference between thoughts, desires and needs;
You lose the good along with the bad. When you block negative feelings such as anger, fear or sadness, you also block the ability to feel positive feelings such as joy, love or happiness;
It exhausts you. You can distort or suppress emotions but you can't get rid of them completely. Avoiding a full emotional experience requires a lot of energy and is a further cause of depression. Such efforts will stress you out and drain you.
It damages your relationship. The more you distance yourself from your feelings, the more you distance yourself from yourself and other people. You lose the ability to build strong relationships and communicate effectively - all this is a consequence of the lack of connection between you and your emotions.
avoiding emotions which are unpleasant to us, we distance ourselves from pleasant emotions
When we lose touch emotions that we do not like, we automatically turn off strong positive emotions such as joy, laughter, and playfulness that keep us going through difficult times. We can only get through loss and major challenges if we retain the ability to experience joy. At the worst of times, these pleasant, encouraging emotions remind us that life can be not only hard, but also beautiful.
Become everyone's friend emotions
If you've never learned how to deal with stress, the idea of bringing back unpleasant emotions may not sound good to you. But even trauma survivors can heal by learning to safely manage their emotional experience. You can change how you experience and react to your emotions.
Boosting process emotional awareness and self-healing includes reconnecting all e exercise- anger, sadness, fear, disgust, surprise and joy. When it starts for you, pay attention to the following:
- emotions quickly come and go if you let them go;
You may be overwhelmed by worries about emotions, which you tried to avoid, when you reconnect, they can capture you, and you will not have the strength to cope with them, but this is not the case. When we don't give our emotions take possession of us, even the most painful and complex feelings subside and lose their ability to control our attention;
When our feelings are free strong emotions anger, sadness, fear and joy quickly come and go. Throughout the day, we will see, read, or hear something that instantly makes us feel that way. But if you don't focus on that feeling, it won't last long, and the other emotion will soon take its place.
Your body can connect you to your emotions
Our emotions very strongly connected to the sensations in our bodies. When you are experiencing a strong emotion, You may also feel it somewhere in your body. By paying attention to these physical sensations, you can understand your emotions better. For example, if you have stomach cramps every time you interact with a certain person, you may come to the conclusion that you are not entirely comfortable in his presence.
With the exception of the headache, physical sensations occur "below the level of the nose." Here are the following examples:
Feelings in the abdomen;
Muscle tension;
Subtle allusions to the movement of body parts;
Flashes inside or "good feelings".
You don't have to choose between thinking and feeling
Emotional awareness operates on an instinctive level. When you train it enough, you will be aware of your feelings without having to think about it, and you will be able to use these emotional cues to understand what is happening and be able to react accordingly. The goal is a balance between your intelligence and emotions. The fact is that emotional awareness It will help you draw healthy boundaries, communicate well with other people, predict other people's actions, and make better decisions.
Emotional awareness is a skill that you can learn
Emotional awareness is a skill that can be learned at any time in life with a little effort and patience. You can develop emotional awareness by learning meditation, which touches upon the short-lived physical and emotional sensations in your body. This meditation will help you connect with difficult emotions and deal with discomfort. When you know what to do, the situation does not get out of control even in the most extreme conditions.
Incarnating into a human body, the Soul takes a certain amount of its energy with it. Plus, throughout her life, she is fed with energy from the Creator and from her Higher aspects. What do we, as humans, use this energy for?
We can invest it in creativity - the creation of our lives, the embodiment of our projects, ideas. Or we can just throw it out. There are many energy practices for filling the physical and subtle bodies with energy. But it is also necessary to find channels through which our energy leaves.
One of the energy leakage channels are negative, negative emotions. Although we know that there are no "good" and "bad" emotions - everything is an experience. Just for ease of understanding, we divide them into 2 groups.
I like this definition:
Negative emotions are emotions that hinder the growth and development of the Soul. Teachers from the Subtle World
Therefore, negative emotions are given so much attention.
What not to do with negative emotions
- They can't suppress– i.e. to convince yourself that everything is fine when it is not at all.
- They can't displace into the subconscious - i.e. convince yourself that there is no emotional problem when there is one.
Otherwise, suppressed and repressed emotions will create other problems - diseases, unpleasant situations. I wrote about this in .
During the consultation, the person and I are looking for the reasons for his life problems, and often these reasons are repressed and unexperienced emotions in past incarnations Souls. And in the current life they create similar situations, as if demanding that the Soul finally pay attention to them and release this energy.
It is impossible to live life without negative, negative emotions. But you can learn them to control. Then there will be no harm to you and to others. Because throwing out your inner storm on them is also not useful)))
Controlling our emotions means that we live and manifest in this world. consciously.
Awareness of your emotions
Negative emotions often arise in a split second, once - and it is.
The very first thing to do is to note the emotion or feeling you are experiencing right now.
Realize, understand that they arose.
We basically act on the machine: we are hooked - we immediately react. And often we react to the last strength - ours or the interlocutor)). Because there is no awareness what is happening to me now?
At first, this moment has to be paid attention to. After some time of practice, this happens in a split second.
And most importantly - it does work!
For example: you are talking with someone from home - and at some point your mood changes. Your task is to track this moment in time and become aware of your emerging emotion: “But now I’m annoyed (or angry, or others).”
Being aware of your negative emotion and accepting it is half the battle!
View from the outside
Many people long time are in a state of depression, anger, dissatisfaction, guilt or anxiety. Most of the methods that teach you to get rid of these sensations do not get to the core of the problem.
This happens because we do not see overall picture what is happening. We are inside the situation and involved in it with our heads.
Look at the situation from the side, as viewed by an observer:
– What is going on right now?
Is this emotion mine?
Do I want to experience it now? Or am I automatically involved again?
- If it's mine - then what exactly hooked me so? What am I reacting to?
This view from the outside works wonders - the growing storm gradually subsides and the conversation continues as normal. Or your communication ends there, but without a storm.
While you are doing these simple tricks, you may miss and not hear some phrases of your interlocutor.
BUT - you will keep your inner peace, you will save your and his energy, you will not bring the matter to a conflict, with all its consequences!
A simple exercise also helps a lot to stop the inner storm.
You say to yourself mentally (or out loud):
- STOP! Relax!
Living a negative emotion
Negative emotions are not useful to suppress and repress - they need to be reside. You can live in different ways.
For example, you can hit someone when anger builds up inside; Or you can just cry in a secluded place. Since we are talking about the conscious manifestation of oneself in this world, then “hitting” is not appropriate. And crying is very useful, including for men.
There is also a simple practice for experiencing emotion.
- Choose a place convenient for you, sit down, and it is better to lie down if possible.
- Pay attention to your body:
– feel where this emotion is already located or is just emerging in your body,
- how it feels
- how its energy moves in your body - from where and where. - Observe it from the outside - NOT judging and NOT judging yourself, just observe it.
- Accept this emotion Yes, it is, I experience it.
- Ask the Higher Powers to fill you love, or do it yourself if you already know how. In love, negative emotions are neutralized and transformed.
During this practice, awareness, Adoption their negative emotions and transformation- without harm to yourself and others.
It only takes a few minutes and you are good.
Breath
One more effective method living emotions - breath. Slow deep breaths in and out also help stop the storm.
This is where physiology comes into play. This practice also needs to be done consciously, not automatically.
- Focus on your breathing. Watch as cool air enters through your nostrils and fills first your lungs and then your entire body.
- Exhale - watch as a thin thread of already warm air leaves your body through the nostrils. You don't have to do anything special - just watch...
- Now remember your emotion - what is left of it now? How has your condition changed?
Take responsibility
Responsibility is one of the important qualities of a person who is engaged in the harmonization of his inner world. The Teachers from the Subtle World also speak about the importance of taking responsibility upon oneself.
What does this mean for emotions?
This means that I understand that:
He didn't hurt me, but I (himself) offended on him…
She didn't piss me off, but I she (himself) got angry on her...
- it was not the news that upset me and now I have depression, but I (myself) allowed respond with depression to the news ...
- not a child pissed me off with his school grades, but I (myself) got angry on a child...
This means that I do not blame other people for what happens to me.
This means that I myself am responsible for what happens in my life.
Why it happens the way it does is another matter that needs to be worked on. And again - I work with myself, and do not try to change and make other people better!
When we understand our personal responsibility, the number of unpleasant and conflict situations in our lives is sharply reduced.
For example, we stop the flow of accusations and claims against the offender. Because the offender simply does not exist. Thus, the number is reduced negative energy released by us into the world)).
And as a result, our personal space becomes cleaner and brighter. It also saves our personal energy.
We are not responsible for their emotions
We are also not responsible for other people's emotions. Often we blame ourselves for, for example, offending someone or arousing someone's resentment.
But this is not so: this is their personal reaction to our words or actions. Their emotions are their personal responsibility. Their emotions point them to the parts of their personality that they need to work with.
That is, they had a choice - for example, to be offended or not to be offended. Even when there was such a goal - to offend.
Of course, you can ALWAYS ask for forgiveness from any person when something gnaws at you. Nobody cancels this. But do not blame, condemn yourself and sprinkle ashes on your head!
Imagine how much the number of quarrels and conflicts will decrease when each of us will be personally responsible for every word, for every deed in relation to other people!
Do not look for the guilty outside, namely, bear your personal responsibility.
Negative emotions and how to deal with them big topic. And this is the theme of our entire earthly life)))
Personally, I love short practices and exercises that don't take long to complete.
In this article, I share with you my experience and simple, effective techniques to help you get started.
And the main stages of this work: awareness, Adoption, control And transformation their emotions.
P.S. I would be glad if you share in the comments how you work with unproductive(negative) emotions!!
It is those passions, the nature of which we misunderstand, that dominate us the most. And the weakest of all are feelings, the origin of which we understand.
Oscar Wilde
- Emotions and the body. Awareness of emotions through bodily sensations and self-observation
– Awareness of emotions and understanding of emotions
- Emotional "cocktails"
- Once again about fear and anger. How do we protect ourselves from fear?
- Can you be angry with yourself?
– Emotions and motivation
- Making decisions. Emotions and intuition
– Mutual influence of emotions and logic
- What happens when we do not have time to realize our emotions in time?
Emotions and body. Awareness of emotions through bodily sensations and self-observation
What are ways to develop the skill of awareness? That is, in order to arbitrarily at any time answer the question "What do I feel now?". If we have managed to adopt a certain terminological apparatus, this does not mean that we have mastered the skill.
At the same time, one should not confuse the ability to recognize emotions in required a moment with “constantly being in a reflective position, from where it’s not far from a psychotherapist” (the phrase of one of the participants in the discussion in a forum dedicated to emotional intelligence). The very word "awareness" for many evokes associations with yoga or oriental teachings, personal practices and hours of deep immersion in oneself. Where can a modern working person find time for this? Yes, and these practices still need to be learned! Yes, I won’t do anything at all anymore, only to realize what has changed in my left heel! Such a stream of thoughts and associations often discourages business people from any desire to engage in awareness of emotions ...
However, in understanding emotions, it is important to choose exactly the right moment when you should pay attention to your emotional state. And this is probably the main difficulty - to determine this moment.
What does it mean to pay attention to your emotional state? Emotions live in our body. Thanks to the limbic system, the emergence and change of emotional states almost immediately causes any changes in the state of the body, in bodily sensations. Therefore, the process of understanding emotions is, in fact, the process of comparing bodily sensations with some word from our dictionary or a set of such words.
There is a theory that people are divided into kinesthetics, visuals and auditory according to their way of interacting with the outside world. Feelings are closer and more understandable to kinesthetics, visual images are closer and more understandable to visuals, sounds are to audials. And apparently, for kinesthetics, the method of understanding emotions described above will be quite convenient. What should others do, with what to compare emotional terms? First of all, let's clarify this theory. If a person is visual, this does not mean that he does not feel or hear anything, just the information that he received through sensation, most likely in his inner space transformed into some kind of image. And besides, since emotions live in the body, they will manifest themselves not only on the internal level in the form of sensations, but also on the external, in the so-called non-verbal manifestations (in posture, facial expressions, gestures, location in space), as well as in sound voice (speed of speech, timbre, intonation). Therefore, for those who find it difficult to understand their feelings, the skill of entering a “metaposition”, the ability to see and hear oneself from the outside, will be useful. Try to imagine yourself as an outside observer, maybe a videographer who is watching you, and then you may notice that you slightly press your head into your shoulders (fear), or constantly point your finger at the interlocutor (what emotion?), or speak more high voice(what emotion?), or your intonation is a bit ironic (what emotion?).
So, in order to understand emotion, we need consciousness, terminology and the ability to pay attention to ourselves, and for this we need training.
Training. That is, the systematic development of the skill to remember that there are emotions, and to be aware of them, as they say, "for the future." Remember how you learned to walk. :)
It is interesting to observe that when we invite participants to do this at trainings, then at the first moment mimic signals appear, indicating that people are trying to remember something, and only then – a smile. Still, how great is the power of mentality and intellectuality in us! The “Remember” command is addressed to memory, to “IQ processes”, and we, as smart people, must correspond to this title. They said: "Think" - we immediately begin to think, they said: "Remember" - we begin to remember.
Let's better remember other processes that we were taught to do systematically. It is easier.
First we did this:
Then like this:
Then like this:
A and U - AU."When someone gets lost in the woods."
U and A - UA.“That’s how little kids talk.”
1 + 1 = 2; 1 + 2 = 3…
If only they could teach us...
- Tell me, children, when people meet a wolf, what emotion do they experience?
That's right, fear. And when the dog?
That's right, fear too. How are these fears different?
- That's right, the wolf is scarier.
Well, or something similar. IN childhood it is much easier to develop emotional intelligence skills, it is already much more difficult for adults. After all, children learn with joy. They have a natural interest in this process. Adult education is a different process. It is even called differently - andragogy. The main difference between andragogy and pedagogy is that the natural interest in learning in adults is much weaker. They need to clearly understand why they need to acquire new knowledge and skills. And one more very important fact. Adults, they are SMART. They just won't do anything for the future. They need a rational justification for their activities.
(It is very likely that the process of teaching adults the ability to walk would have dragged on considerably. “Why?”, adults would ask to begin with. “We already know how to crawl very well. What is better to walk?” maybe - that upright posture will increase the load on the spine?" ... etc.)
Children most often rejoice something new, and adults about everything new experience what? Something first class.
At the trainings, our participants have to answer the question: “How do you feel?” at least 20 times a day. Moreover, the answers: “No way” or “Normal” are not accepted. Coaches will definitely clarify: “What emotions are you experiencing right now?" Outside of training, we suggest asking yourself this question more often; in other words, to create in yourself some kind of internal “asker of questions”, an internal “trainer”. For the reasons stated above, this is very difficult to do. But many manage to overcome this difficulty. Therefore, if the authors of the book managed to convince you of the key importance of the 1st skill of emotional competence - awareness then this method is for you. If the authors failed, convince yourself :). This is really important.
Remember the tasks about "reminders" and the diary of emotions... Based on our training experience, we can assume that about 10% of readers decided to complete these tasks, while the rest did not have the time and rational justification for the need to complete them (the tasks simply did not seem to correspond to those tasks, that are now standing in front of them), a mobile phone :), and in one word, motivation. (We will refer to the relationship between emotions and motivation more than once throughout the pages of this book.)
Awareness of emotions and understanding of emotions
What else can significantly facilitate the process of awareness of emotions and make it more interesting for us is a deeper understanding of them. understanding.
We already said at the beginning of the chapter that "understanding" and "awareness" are different processes. In the model of emotional intelligence by J. Mayer and P. Salovey, the authors of the term "emotional intelligence", these are generally two different abilities. When we talk about understanding, we mean several factors.
Firstly, it is an understanding of the cause-and-effect relationships between specific situations and emotions, that is, the answer to the questions “What is the cause of different emotional states?” and “What consequences can these conditions have?”.
Secondly, this is an understanding of the meaning of emotions - what does this or that emotion signal to us, why do we need it?
Understanding and analyzing emotions can greatly help us and be aware of them, since these actions are more familiar to us than simply paying attention to our emotional state. By analyzing and reflecting on emotions, we can predict those moments when we really need to be ready to be aware of our emotions. For example, if you are going to the theater to see a drama, or to the movies to see an action movie or a horror movie, do you need to prepare beforehand to be aware of your emotions periodically during the action? Probably not worth it. Usually people go to the theater and cinema in order to worry emotions rather than managing them.
But if you are preparing for difficult negotiations or public speaking, then perhaps it is important to think about it. Since in these processes we want to control emotions, and without awareness it is almost impossible. By incorporating an emotional state factor into your preparation process, you increase the likelihood that at the right moment you will be able to recognize your emotions and do something about it. True, if you also trained for the future, then this probability is much higher :). It is also helpful to understand which information about emotions is myth and which is based on common sense.
Emotional "cocktails"
Often training participants tell us: “Why are there only four emotions in your model? And where, for example, does interest belong?
Interest is a very "interesting" word. It is even sometimes called an intellectual emotion, and in sources written before the advent term EQ.
Let's figure it out. Our psyche has a function called "attention". This is a kind of reflection of the research activity of the organism. What do organisms study? The lower ones probably only investigate where the danger is and where the food is. organisms over high level also explore where you can find a partner for procreation and more comfortable conditions for living. In humans, this activity is the widest - we explore the universe, ourselves and the meaning of everything that exists. We have cognitive, aesthetic and spiritual landmarks for research. Attention is a kind of vector, like a beam of an invisible searchlight, which shows where this activity is now directed. We often talk about voluntary and involuntary attention.
Arbitrary attention– when you consciously point this spotlight at something. For example, to finish reading exam papers to the end. What are the emotions? Most likely, something from the category of irritation and sadness. And if the object of your arbitrary attention pleases you, then you say that it is interesting.
involuntary attention - as if not depending on us, on our arbitrariness, caused by something from the outside. Our attention may be attracted, for example, by moving objects, loud noises or strong smells. Moreover, if the movement, sound or smell occurs suddenly, then at first we will most likely feel some fear, and then some other emotion. The loud sound of a drill from a neighbor behind the wall is likely to cause irritation.
And if what our attention was drawn to is accompanied by an emotion of light joy, then what will it be called? In many cases - "interest". Moreover, attention in this case from involuntary, most likely, will become arbitrary.
Probably, one can speak separately about the emotion of interest, only at the same time it is worth considering what other emotions it is colored with. For example, in similar emotional terms "curiosity" and "surprise" in many cases, a certain amount of anxiety is also seen.
Our model also helps to develop the skill of awareness because it can be used to “decompose” any complex emotional terms into a certain spectrum of four basic emotions and something else.
Let's look at a word like "guilt". Some say that this is a separate emotion, sometimes they talk about “guilt”. Let's use our model and analyze this state. So, when I feel guilty, I am depressed. This is a painful, depressing state, it contains a lot of emotions of sadness, longing, oppression. Do you agree? What else is there in this state? Often the participants are referred to as "fear". Yes, perhaps there is some degree of fear about what will be the consequences of the actions because of which I feel this guilt, especially if no one knows about them yet and it can only be revealed to everyone else. What if everything is already known? And it is already known that there will be no consequences? Someone committed a misdemeanor towards his friend (he borrowed money and cannot repay, blabbed out a personal secret, betrayed), and the friend already said to him: “How could you?” - and even after a while forgave. And yet someone feels guilty. This is a painful, sad state of affairs. A person is bad, painful and sad. Who is the source of this sadness? Is he on his own? At the level of logic, it seems like yes - it's his own fault. And at the level of the body? At the level of the organism, the same friend is to blame. This because of him a person feels bad, sad and dreary. And then what emotion is present in a state of guilt? Some degree of anger, and almost unconscious.
This fact is very difficult to admit, it seems to many illogical. But let's see. Where did this saying come from: “If you want to lose a friend, give him a loan”? It is possible that if he does not give back, you yourself will not want to be friends with him anymore, and it is possible that your friend will begin to treat you worse, because he will be angry with you, and unconsciously.
Do you know that psychologists recommend that husbands who go on business trips should never tell their wives if there has been a betrayal, God forbid, so as not to spoil the relationship? And you know, a large percentage of husbands still split and ask for forgiveness. It is clear that it is unbearable to feel guilty and I want to get rid of this heaviness and sadness, and if there was more fear in it than anger, then the husbands would hardly have decided on this. In fact, this confession is a kind of aggressive act towards his wife. What other emotion makes a person hurt? Many, however, do not admit to anything and live in peace, but, most likely, this means that in their system of values, a light romance on the side is not a misconduct and they do not experience any torment about this. There are still others who do not confess, but begin to find fault with their wife in every possible way, that is, act aggressively. This applies not only to treason, but also to other “offences”. Familiar phrase: "Of course, I did wrong, but you yourself are to blame."
There is a very strong recommendation for business people involved in the sale of services: do not give large discounts to clients who complain about difficulties with money, even if at the moment it is economically justified for you and you understand that the client is not trying to deceive you. The basis for this recommendation is the likelihood that the client will feel guilty afterwards. To get rid of guilt, the client who received this gift from you will use the aggression in guilt in order to find a lot of flaws in your service that justify the low price he paid.
Well, let's say you're right and guilt really consists of sadness and anger, and before I was not aware of this anger, but now you have convinced me. And what good is it to me?
Now it can be controlled. For example, in a situation with a discount, you can do the following: spend another ten minutes talking with the client, saying something like this: “I understand that you do not have the budget to pay for the full service now, and perhaps not in the near future will appear. However, you know how much it costs, and I assume that, having received the service at such a low price, you will feel somehow obliged to me. Such a feeling will be unpleasant for you, and I fear that it may worsen our relationship. Let's think about how you can compensate me non-materially for the difference in price. Could you do for me, for example, the following ... "And then you need to choose an adequate this client and this situation action. For example, ask him to do Full description of the service provided, which you can later write in the form of an article, or contact a dozen companies that provide services similar to yours and do a little market research for you. If you think about it, then almost always you can pick up a similar action and agree with a partner. The words you choose before you offer compensation are just as important.
Have you noticed that the phrase we gave as an example, which you can say to a client, looks rather heavy and ornate. There are a lot of words "maybe", "maybe" in it. This is necessary to soften what you are going to talk about. If you tell the client only the essence, then it will probably look like this: “Because you are not ready to pay the full price, you will feel guilty and, therefore, angry. To prevent this from happening, you should compensate me for the lack of the amount. What will be the reaction? .. Words need to be thought out and selected in each case, taking into account the specifics of the situation and the client. After all, you are going to talk about emotions, and this can cause your interlocutor ... emotions and reduce logical thinking.
Almost any emotional state or feeling can be decomposed into a spectrum:
What's happened "Something else"? In this column, some thoughts, attention, bodily sensations, as well as the duration of the emotion can be taken into account.
We will pay special attention to the last characteristic, and at the same time we will determine how emotions differ from the mood background and from feelings. By our definition, emotion is the body's response to changes in the environment. This reaction is almost instantaneous, the next moment the external environment will change again and another emotion will appear. And at the same time, we often say: “I was happy all day today”, “Something is sad for a whole week”, “Before this performance, I am terrified all day”. These phrases mean that we may have a fairly long emotional or mood background.
Situational emotions can be superimposed on this mood. For example, when I am in a bad (sad) mood, I may feel short-lived joy over a good joke or some other positive event. And being in good happy mood I can get angry at something for a while. What can support this background? First of all, our thoughts, our mental activity. If I have a responsible speech or an important presentation in the evening, I constantly think about it in the morning and feel fear. Or something unpleasant happened, thoughts always return to this - the mood is sad. The mood background is also often referred to simply as emotions.
So how do you use a spreadsheet?
Take, for example, words from the fear class:
Fear, anxiety, panic
depression
Note. There are already a lot of physical sensations in this word.
Interest
What are feelings? Feelings are quite complex complexes consisting of emotions and mood background and having some stability and duration.
Guilt this table will look like this:
There are feelings, for the analysis of which you will need to fill out the entire table with a large number of comments. Try, for example, decomposing the word "love".
The task
Have fun with this table. Try to spread out other words on the spectrum. Find words that don't fit into this concept and send them to us.
Once again about fear and anger. How do we protect ourselves from fear?
The most forbidden in society, and therefore the worst recognized emotions are fear and anger, so we will pay special attention to the awareness of these emotions. And let's start with the primary emotion - fear.
Yes, fear (or some percentage of fear) is very often the very first emotion, and it is one of the most frequently experienced emotions.
This idea is not easy to accept. This is partly due to the fact that the use of the word "fear" in this case is not very adequate. We call fear emotions of a stronger intensity, and the emotional state that we so often experience is located on the left side of our emotional table, that is, there is no suitable word for naming it.
Let's look at an example.
Imagine the beginning of the presentation of a training program for the development of emotional competence. The trainers start, greet the participants and invite them to get to know each other.
“Hello, my name is Alena, my name is Sergey! Introduce youreself. If you want, tell me a few words about yourself, about your expectations for today's presentation and more ... tell me how you feel?
How do people answer the last question? The most common responses are "Normal" (about 50%) and "Good" (about 30%). Another 10% talk about their physical condition: "Tired after work", "Out of breath" (those who were late). The other 10% laugh it off: "It's like a doctor's office here," or something like that. And sometimes there is a wonderful answer: “Great ... As always!”
The answer “Normal” is generally very standard, in a sense ritualistic. Normal. "How are you?" - "Fine".
The same can be said about the answers “Good” and “Tired”. But “Great as always” is alarming. Imagine, a person saw fit to report that he always feels great. Somehow even a little scary.
Now let's think about what kind of emotion a person can actually experience, for the first time coming to unfamiliar him up to this premise after seeing unfamiliar him people who, by virtue of the fact that this is a presentation, will offer him something new?
No, not fear, of course, but something of this class. On the very left side of the table. Is it logical?
Toward the end of the presentation, when people are already familiar with our scheme, we ask: “Remember the very beginning of the presentation. What emotions could you have then? - and the participants answer that there was some kind of tension, probably something from the category of fear. That's right - "something from the category." It is clear that adults, for the most part, are not very scared when they come to any events. And yet everything that we unknown And new, at the organism level, must first be scanned for danger.
Most likely, when you bought this book, you also had a slight feeling of fear. Almost completely minimal. Related to whether it is worth buying, whether I like it, I will not be bored reading ... And, besides, with the fact that the new information received will in some way affect your whole life.
Of course, it sounds very pretentious, but nevertheless it is true. Any changes cause fear in the “organism”, even the smallest ones. We often joke about this in our company. For example, when considering whether to buy a dress or not, a girl sighs: “Well, I don’t even know ... After all, my whole life will change after that ...”
However, with a dress it is easier, you can return it to the store and “make it as it was”. However, in the case of services, obtaining new information, training, this does not work. Even if you did not like the service or information or do not need it, it is much more difficult to “return” it. It is impossible to “make it as it was” if you have already cut off all your hair or you have already completed your five years at the university. And even now, although we are only in the middle of the second chapter of the book, something in you has already changed. You are no longer the same person as you opened it :).
Therefore, when choosing services or new information, we are usually especially picky. In fact, there are just more fears ...
At the level of logic, we can be ready for change and even quite sincerely "wait for change." But our body resists them with all its might. Why is this happening? After all, fortunately, in the case of most changes, the fear of physical danger, if there is, then it is completely vanishingly small. But social fears can be much greater. Threats of losing social status, respect and acceptance by other people are just as significant for us, because it means being left alone (at the level of the body, fighting off the pack can already mean physical danger). Each of us, meeting with strangers, somewhere at a fairly deep and almost unconscious level, as if asking himself questions: “Will these people accept me? Will they notice how wonderful I am, or, on the contrary, will they reject me?
We repeat once again: there are much more such unconscious fears in our life than we used to think. One of our participants in the emotional competence training program once joked: “I came to you as a normal person, and now it turns out that I have fears everywhere and I get annoyed with everyone” :). It used to be like that, it's just that now it's become clearer.
Skeptical participant of the training: Listen, if these fears are so small, then why be aware of them? Instead of listening to the presentation, now I have to sit and think all the time: “Oh, I have a slight fear!”?!
Yes, if you think about fears all the time, you are not far from paranoia. First of all, not all the time. It takes a fraction of a second to become aware of an emotion, with sufficient skill. As for why we need it, let's see: fear is felt in the body in the form of a slight tension, that is, something is bothering me. If fear is conscious, it means that the source of this tension is myself and this is my responsibility, I can do something about it. If fear is not recognized, then the source of tension is something from the outside. How do we deal with what stresses us? What emotion do we experience in this case? Yes, it's probably a mild annoyance. " The best protection“attack” is not a recommendation, it is a reflection of some emotional mechanism. In many situations, we begin to replace fear with irritation, which is also unconscious. And irritation, much more than other emotions, tends to accumulate. And so gradually and imperceptibly it can accumulate to such a state when the level of logic begins to decrease. And the behavior will not be quite adequate.
How might this look in a presentation situation?
... So, I came to a new company, not yet very familiar to me (little fear + 0.5% irritation), then everything seemed to be interesting, but then the hosts asked something, but I did not answer (still unconscious fear, such, like at school, when they “asked” and I didn’t prepare, + another 0.5% annoyance), then I said something, but the presenters did not hear (+ 1%), then one of the group members disputed my a statement (also out of fear, but I didn’t think about it at that moment), etc. And suddenly, at some point, I really wanted to ask tricky questions, and then just argue with the hosts ...
Skeptical participant of the training:
So you want such “emotionally competent” participants to come to your presentations who do not argue with you in anything, but only agree?
Absolutely true, this is the task of the leaders. And it's important to remember this: in most cases, the responsibility for the emotional background of the interaction lies with the initiator of communication. You control the entire situation, including the emotional background. We will talk about this in more detail in the chapter on managing the emotions of other people. Therefore, in a situation of interaction with a new person, it is important to remember not only about your own fear, but also about the fact that your partner also experiences some kind of vague anxiety. It is not for nothing that it is customary to start a conversation not immediately, but first to talk “about the weather”, “nature” and similar meaningless things. At this time, our "organisms" have time to get to know each other and look at each other. Only after that you can start talking about business.
Returning to the situation with the presentation, it may not be necessary to be aware of your slight anxiety and the irritation associated with it, when the responsibility for the process and the result lies with someone else. However, this becomes very important if a person shares this responsibility, being, for example, in negotiations, where the price of actions caused by unconscious fear and irritation can be very high.
Imagine, for example, that not the participant, but the coach is not aware of that little fear that, despite any experience, there is always a new group. From this fear, he begins to defend himself with irritation, which sooner or later will become noticeable. We have been training coaches for many years and often see the effect of a new coach looking very aggressive and irritating the group in response, even though this is not his goal at all! Such aggressive behavior is a direct consequence of the unconscious fear of the group and leads to ineffective behavior.
The same thing happens with any interaction of a person with other people.
Leader's story(Start)
I will give an example from my own experience: I was the newly appointed head of a training center, and I was invited to report to top managers. Of course, I was well prepared: all my numbers converged, like a debit with a credit from the chief accountant. But internally, I felt very insecure, because I understood that our financier wanted to “cut” the high costs of training. I was angry with him and thought that I needed to seriously defend myself so that the budget of the training center would not be reduced ...
This tactic on my part caused a corresponding reaction in a rather heated discussion of our budget. And it's been cut down quite a bit.
Natalia Echkalova,Director of the IBS Corporate University
Can you be angry with yourself?
Pay attention to another very important point: we have a habit defend from own emotions different ways. This is probably due to social prohibitions on emotions and, in fact, with incomprehensibility this phenomenon. The word "protection" is usually used when talking about unconscious actions. The presence of protections is not some kind of too destructive factor, because once we developed them and they helped us solve some of our tasks. And yet, since they are unconscious, it is likely that we habitually use them in all situations, including those when these defenses are no longer effective. You should also be aware of your own defense mechanisms. We will talk about one such very popular type of protection in this section.
At some point in the training, participants already understand that the complex of physical sensations that they experience and the actions they perform (words and intonation, facial expression, posture) correspond to emotions of anger more-less. The next important step is to understand on whom she is directed.
Let's introduce such a metaphor - the direction of an emotion, rather not even an emotion, but of possible actions that can follow this emotion. Fear will make us run away from the object or freeze. That is, fear is directed, as it were, "from". Sadness is rather directed inward, it focuses us on ourselves. But anger always has a specific external an object, it is directed "to". Why? Because this is the very essence of emotion - anger prompts in the first place to fight. And no normal "organism" will fight with itself, it is contrary to nature.
So when we ask a participant who has become aware of his annoyance, “Who are you getting annoyed with right now?” - and he answers: “On himself”, then we say: “This does not happen, look for the object to which it is directed.”
Skeptical participant of the training: But what about such a term as auto-aggression?
Yes, there is such a term. At the same time, it is used in a psychotherapeutic (medical) context, in cases where we are talking about fairly serious illnesses or life scenarios, when a person at a deep unconscious level brings himself to illness or all the time gets into traumatic situations. Again: deeply unconscious level, for the realization of which the help of a psychotherapist is required (in psychoanalysis, it is believed that this is the aggression that we feel towards people who are significant to us, most often parents, and therefore we cannot accept this fact in any way and do not give aggression a way out). But we are still talking about normal healthy people who do not require psychotherapeutic treatment.
Fortunately, if the fact of the emotion of anger is already recognized and the person at least says: “I am angry with myself,” then, probably, one can do without psychotherapy.
Let's look at another training situation. There is a very famous exercise in sales training called "Pig in a Poke".
Coaches give the participants a bag containing a variety of items: a stapler, a funny postcard, a brand company logo, a baby pacifier; anything, as long as your imagination is enough. Participants in turn must pull out the first item that comes across and somehow "sell" to the neighbor on the right. A neighbor can buy or not, depending on the behavior of the seller and on his mood and desire. No limits, all in equal conditions. After that, depending on the objectives of the training, an analysis of the specific nuances of the sales process takes place.
And so some participants manage to sell their thing, and some do not. Agree, people will have different emotions. How will those who didn't sell feel? Probably a certain amount of sadness: after all, I expected that I would succeed, but it did not.
There are, of course, situations when I liked the thing that I pulled out of the bag so much (and the neighbor on the right - quite the opposite :)) that I did everything not to sell; then joy is possible.
But in general, the experience of failure is sad. And this sadness is mixed with irritation. So, at the end of the sale, we start with emotion analysis. This is where it starts...
- What do you feel?
Probably a slight annoyance.
- To whom is it directed?
- To myself.
- It does not happen, look for an object.
- Well, then, on this situation.
– Aha! And who created the situation?
As you understand, there are not so many options: these are either the trainers who suggested this exercise, or the neighbor who “did not buy”. But we were taught in childhood that it is not good to be annoyed, therefore idea: « I'm mad at myself." We must be polite and cannot be irritated. After all, training is a special space. We have an agreement that we speak our thoughts and emotions, analyze and draw conclusions. And all the same, it is so difficult to tell another about our irritation (generally speaking, scary, because it means being “bad”) that we are not ready to be aware of this thought. What is most interesting, this irritation is still read. And during the training, since the focus of attention on emotions is quite large, the whole group and the “culprit” (the object of irritation) already understand this, so there is no point in persisting. Moreover, the participants have already felt from their own experience that if an emotion is spoken, then it goes away; but the force of the social inhibition is so great that the participants keep insisting that they are only annoyed with themselves.
Skeptical participant of the training: Let us suppose. But here, for example, I did not prepare for the exam and failed. I know it's my own fault!
That's exactly what I know. At the level of logic, indeed, I myself am responsible for the fact that I did not learn the tickets. And at the level of the body? There is a specific “comrade” who said: “Come another time, but for now you are “unsuccessful”.
Have you ever had a situation where you made an appointment with someone and forgot? (They are to blame, of course.) And half an hour before the meeting, this person calls you and says: “Do you remember that we are meeting today?” “Yes, yes,” you say, “only I’ll probably be late,” then you hang up and think: “You couldn’t call an hour earlier?” (What's the emotion?)
Aha! Only if at that moment you came across one of the road services, I personally do not envy him :)!
Skeptical participant of the training: So this is some kind of continuous self-justification turns out! I have nothing to do with it, everyone around is to blame!
Do you remember that emotion is a reaction of our organism? At the level of logic, we understand that we ourselves were wrong, we analyze what can be done next time to avoid such a situation, etc. Nobody has canceled this, so there is no question of self-justification. It is important to remember that in parallel with this process, a person develops an emotion of irritation with those because of whom he got into this situation. This does not mean that we should immediately throw our fists at them. We so insist that it is important to be aware of this irritation, because then it either immediately goes away, or something can be done about it. If we are not aware of this irritation, then after some time we will suddenly (seemingly for no reason at all) say a taunt to this person or show him in some other way.
In training, this process is clearly visible. If one of the participants got angry with the other, but did not realize and did not utter this irritation, after a few minutes (and sometimes after a couple of hours) he suddenly says a taunt, or interrupts that participant, or instead of playing along with him in the exercise, he starts " mischief."
If it is possible to realize both the irritation and the one to whom it is directed, this energy can be quite channeled into a constructive channel. Let's return to the example of Natalia Echkalova about how her financier seriously reduced her education budget:
Leader's story(ending)
I was terribly upset, but then I came across a book about the EQ of leadership behavior. One of the conclusions of the read book sounded like an answer to my question: “Say “thank you” to everyone who makes you angry. After all, they provide you with an invaluable service! They teach you to be better."
I took this answer so close to my heart that I learned from the bottom of my heart to thank the financier who cut my budget, but at the same time taught me to work more efficiently, look for new training formats (which would be cheaper, but give the same effect, and sometimes even more !) and reduce the cost of maintaining the training center next year (from which the company won, and the employees did not lose anything). At the next defense of the budget, the financier very respectfully approached my figures and, without arguing with me, suggested that top management agree on the budget that I substantiated. Thank you EQ!
We know that the idea that annoyance is always directed at someone outside and you can't be angry at yourself is quite difficult to accept. There is always a lot of controversy about this in training. If you still find it difficult to accept this idea for yourself, do not rush to reject it. Observe yourself and those around you. And just explore who is being irritated in different situations.
Emotions and motivation
So, emotion is primarily a reaction, we receive a signal from the outside world and react to it. We react by directly experiencing this state and… What else? And more action. One of the most important purposes of emotion is to move us to some activity.
Emotions and motivation are generally words of the same root. They come from the same Latin word movere (to move). The emotions of fear and anger are often referred to as the "fight or flight" response. Fear motivates organisms to activities associated with protection, anger - to activities associated with an attack. If we talk about a person and his social interaction, then we can say that fear motivates us to preserve, savings something, and anger - to achieving. But again, let's use the words "fear" and "anger" to understand those degrees of intensity of these emotions that are adequate to the situation.
We have already said that a little worry can help us save our wallet. But the lack of anxiety can sometimes cost big money, if before signing some document “do not worry” and do not re-read it several times. In many scams, such a manipulation is known: “Well, what are you worried about, everything is in order here, sign it!” What makes people fall for these tricks? Somewhere deep-seated in us is the idea that "it is impossible to be afraid (to worry)."
Also, slight anxiety helps us maintain our status and peace of mind, forcing us to prepare once again for a public speech or presentation. The same anxiety keeps our relations when we, before saying something to the interlocutor, “thrice think” whether it is worth doing it.
Light anger, some discontent, dissatisfaction make us do something, look for new ways and new opportunities. The concept of "aggression" contains energy - the energy of achievements. When they say that it is necessary to translate aggression into a constructive channel, they mean the search for those ways of applying this aggression that will give a creative, not destructive result, because energy is equally needed in order to break, and in order to build .
Skeptical participant of the training: But what about fear? After all, it is fear that makes people do something!
Indeed, fear is a powerful motivator. It is important to understand that pure fear makes us run away from what scares us, or hide (freeze), pretend that nothing terrible is happening. Of course, it leads to some actions, but these are actions from something, not to anything.
Sergey's story
One year in 2009, we held a business meeting with our potential clients in a cafe. We discussed the possibilities of cooperation, future projects and reached agreements in principle. And at the end of the conversation, while it was necessary to wait for the bill, the conversation touched on the topic of the crisis. And one of our interlocutors said: “And for me, a crisis is an opportunity. If I used to sell something and now it doesn’t work, then I will sell something else.” And he said it so sincerely that I somehow immediately believed him. I didn’t say it for a red word, not because then only the lazy did not remember the Chinese character “crisis”, which simultaneously means “opportunities”.
After meeting him, I thought about his words and my actions for some time. I thought, “Yes, I do that too, at this time I introduce additional products, I try new control schemes.” But after a while, I suddenly realized that something was wrong. The new services that I introduced turned out to be "well-forgotten old ones", and the management schemes were known before, only "hands did not reach them."
In the near future, I created several really new products and implemented a number of fundamentally new approaches in the company. Then, recalling these thoughts of mine, I realized that at that moment I was angry with my partner for the fact that he was then in a cafe so sincerely and confidently talking to me about simple things which I myself know very well, and this gave me the energy to achieve success.
Having realized all this, I now feel sincere gratitude to him for that situation. As for fear, it was precisely this that was the reason for not the best actions that I had done before.
We will take a closer look at the topic of fear and motivation in the chapter on managing emotions. For now, let's get back to other emotions.
What motivates us to be sad? Sadness signals us to pay attention to ourselves; perhaps the body needs rest, relaxation. Sadness is a slow, smooth emotion. Again, to a mild degree. In a state of slight sadness or light sadness, it is good to indulge in memories, leisurely thinking about something. In other words, sadness is good to use for analysis situations. Again!!! Light sadness. Strong sadness-longing leads to a loop and psychoanalysis:).
Moreover, in severe sadness there is a phenomenon called narrowed consciousness. There is only one "sad" thought around which we revolve all the time. This negative property of sadness at low degrees of intensity has a quite positive name - focusing. If we need to carefully analyze something, fully focusing on it, then a state of mild sadness is the best opportunity for this.
What about joy? Pure joy, surprisingly, does not motivate for anything other than the experience of joy itself. Joy is a state of satisfaction of needs at a certain point in time. Remember Maxim Leonidov's song: "I looked back to see if she looked back to see if I looked back ..."? The guy was just glad that a pretty girl passed by. Does he have a chance to meet her? No. And he doesn't need it. He just rejoices. To get to know her, you need to say at least the banal: “Girl, what is your name?” And this requires energy. So what is the emotion?
In fact, joy in its purest form is extremely rare and short-lived. We are arranged in such a way that needs constantly arise and, accordingly, emotions of dissatisfaction or dissatisfaction arise (from what class are they?), which encourage us to act.
When we are in the right emotional state to perform some activity, we usually do not even pay attention to it, it feels so harmonious and natural. However, if the emotional state is not appropriate for the task, it can begin to interfere with us. For example, try going to sleep in an irritable or very nervous state, or appearing light and relaxed in a situation that you are terrified of, or having a serious meeting with a stern face in a mood close to euphoric joy ...
Yes, sometimes it is emotions and only emotions that prevent us from doing what we really wanted to do in some situation. I wanted to express my opinion - I was shy and kept silent (what emotion?). I wanted to look restrained and calm - I broke down and lashed out. It is these situations that are worth learning to manage in the first place, for which it is important to learn to recognize which emotion motivates me to act in a certain way (or NOT to act, although in this case it is obvious which emotion makes me do it).
The exercise
"Emotions and Behavior"
Recall situations when you did not behave the way you would like it to; something prevented you from doing what you intended, or for some reason you planned to act in a certain way, and for some reason behaved in a completely different way. Briefly describe your desired behavior in the left column of the table (how you would like to act in a particular situation). In the middle column, describe how you acted in a real situation. And in the last column, analyze which emotions motivated you to do so.
Now remember situations when you acted exactly as planned; the way you would like. What emotions helped you behave in this way?
Making decisions. Emotions and intuition
One of the most important purposes of emotions is to give us a motive, to move us to some kind of action. And, accordingly, without emotions, we do not perform any actions.
This fully applies to such action as decision-making. The word "decision" is mainly associated with mental activity, and it seems that emotions are absolutely useless here. This is due to yet another language confusion. Process problem solving really requires us to mental effort, good memory, concentration, in short, the maximum use of our cognitive intelligence, IQ. Although emotions are present, they are not decisive. And here is the process decision making- another. In fact, this is not even a process, but a moment. The moment of choosing from several alternative options. Before as decide, people usually calculate different options, think about them, discard the most inappropriate ones, and then choose from the remaining options (usually two). decide, which one is preferable - A or B. Finally, at some point they say "A" ... or "B".
And what will be this final choice is determined by emotions. Most often, we make a choice in favor of the decision that pleases us the most or scares us the least (we choose the lesser of two evils). This process occurs in different ways, sometimes quite easily and simply. For example, you were offered a good deal. The conditions are favorable, the partner is reliable, you are able to comply with all agreements on time. Of course, you gladly agree. Sometimes there is nothing to decide. I agree, that's all. But, unfortunately, this situation is quite rare. Much more often there are “for” and “against”, and it’s them that we have to calculate. If, through logical reflection, we managed to see more “for”, then we rejoice (less, of course, than in the previous case) and agree. If there are more “against”, then we are “afraid” and refuse. And, of course, the most difficult situation is when both "for" and "against" have approximately the same number of points, or rather, when there are two alternatives, each of which has its pros and cons. It is generally impossible to make such a decision strictly mathematically, since each will have an infinite number of pluses and minuses.
Remember, in the first chapter, we described Elliot's syndrome from the book Descartes' Error? Elliot just faced the situation of the impossibility of making the simplest decisions. He did not have emotions (because the emotional centers of the brain were damaged), and when trying to choose the logically best path, Elliot was lost in the numerous pros and cons of each alternative. Is it better to go to the cinema or the theater, buy a cake or pastries, leave work early, or finish the job today? In such situations, people make the final choice under the influence of an emotion, or rather a complex of emotions. And most often these are emotions of low intensity.
An illustration of the fact that we make decisions emotionally is a well-known trick that many people use to choose between two alternatives. This technique is called ... "toss a coin." If you've ever tossed a coin, then remember what happens when you see which side it fell: either I like it ... or I want to flip it. The choice has already been made, just not fully realized.
The arguments we have presented do not mean at all that it is necessary to immediately put aside all logical analysis and make decisions impulsively, guided by only emotions. We quite often make mistakes in decision-making because we did not correctly calculate the options. Most people, when analyzing mistakes, first of all notice this factor and very rarely pay attention to the emotional factor. At the same time, most often it is some kind of unconscious emotions that can make us rush, instead of analyzing everything better (which is often used by manipulators). And even if we devoted enough time to the analysis, we hardly listened to our condition and consciously asked ourselves the question: “What do I feel about this decision and what could be the reason for this feeling?”
Each of us, probably, had situations in life when, making a choice, a person experienced vague anxiety, and then the decision turned out to be erroneous. And immediately the thought arises: “But I felt that there is something wrong!” But since, from a logical point of view, there were no arguments against such a choice, and it is considered wrong to take into account emotions when making a decision, the choice was made in this way. There are also reverse cases: “Despite the fact that all circumstances were against such a choice, I felt that the case will burn out!
Why is this happening? The emotional parts of the brain, as we have already said, work ten times faster than the neocortex, and, accordingly, they manage to process much more information that simply did not have time to “reach” all of the logical departments. In particular, the emotional parts of the brain process the bulk of non-verbal information (that is, information contained in facial expressions, gestures and human movements). While the logical parts of the brain are mainly occupied with the processing of verbal information - words, arguments, facts, figures, etc. If a person hides or lies something, information about this is more likely contained in his nonverbal behavior than in words. The emotional departments “read” this information, and a slight anxiety appears: “Alarm! Something is not right here!” – often accompanied by slight tension in the body. Or vice versa, if a person speaks sincerely, a slight joy arises: “Everything is in order.” Many of us are familiar with this feeling, but we discard it, because at the logical level we see no reason for it ... and remember it only later, when there are logical confirmations that the feeling was justified.
On the other hand, sometimes our emotions can be associated with some peculiarities in the behavior of the person with whom we communicate, and not with his sincerity or insincerity. The ability to recognize and understand your emotions helps to separate one from the other and ultimately accept more objective decision.
HR director's story
(how a competent analysis of your emotions helped not to miss a good specialist)
While conducting an interview with one of the candidates, I suddenly caught myself on some irritation - this person behaved a little defiantly, somehow spoke too proudly about his successes. In general, I did not like the candidate, and I wanted to refuse him already. However, realizing my irritation and analyzing it, I realized that this me personally I don’t like the candidate’s communication style and I can be not entirely objective, not enough time devoting his professional qualities. Then I asked my colleague to complete the interview. The candidate seemed quite suitable to a colleague, and we decided to hire him.
After some time, it turned out that this specialist came to us directly from another interview, in which he was spoken to rather rudely (what is called a “stress interview”), and, having learned from bitter experience, the candidate decided to behave more assertively and aggressively .
Irina Limanskaya (Novikova),HR Director of CJSC NPO Znamya Truda im. I. I. Lepse”
It is possible that it is this skill - to listen to all your emotions (even very weak ones) when making decisions and to include this information in a logical analysis - and this is called such a mysterious word - intuition. It is unlikely that, based on this fact, it is possible to develop an exact algorithm for the development of intuition, but we hope that even without this you have enough arguments to develop the skill of awareness and understanding of your emotions.
Mutual influence of emotions and logic
To conclude this chapter, we propose to slightly expand our definition of emotion. We have already said a lot that our emotions affect our logic. It's time to talk about the reverse process: our rational thinking, for its part, also affects our emotions. Those parts of the brain that are responsible for our thoughts are, in a sense, external environment and for the emotional departments. True, a very strongly connected environment with them, but still external. And those changes that occur in our thoughts will cause changes in emotions.
This fact can be verified very easily.
First, be aware of the emotional state you are in right now. Analyze what you feel, what sensations you experience in the body. Remember or write down this state.
Think of something good or remember something funny. Immerse yourself in this memory and stay in it for a while.
How do you feel now?
Conversely, remembering something unpleasant can evoke emotions of sadness, fear, or irritation. You don't need to do this now. Our experience shows that the second skill is much better for people, and we would like you to continue reading the book in a calm state.
On fig. 2.1 shows some two-level little man. The level of logic is indicated by an oval at the top of the head - a metaphor for the neocortex, and the level of "organism", the emotional level, we placed in the torso. The process of mutual influence of thoughts and emotions is indicated in the figure by a dotted line. (process 1). The solid line indicates the process of awareness and understanding of emotions. (process 2).
Rice. 2.1. The process of mutual influence of thoughts and emotions
It is often very difficult to know which came first, the chicken or the egg. Was it some initial thought that caused emotions that later influenced the further course of thoughts, or vice versa? Especially when you consider how poorly we have developed the skill of awareness and understanding of our emotions. In any case, thoughts affect emotions, and we suggest taking this fact into account more often when analyzing your emotional state.
In addition, as we have already said, the physical state (the state of our body) also affects emotions.
So the expanded definition would be:
Emotion is the reaction of the body (emotional parts of the brain) to changes in the environment external to these parts. It could be a change in the situation in the outside world, or a change in our thoughts or in our body.
Final assignment for the chapter
Analyze work situations or business processes in your organization that are in your area of responsibility and in which you are personally involved. To do this, you need to go into a metaposition and look at these situations through the eyes of an outside observer.
Identify those stages of business processes that the observer would mark as the most emotional. Analyze how greater awareness of emotions in these moments can increase the effectiveness of these processes.
What happens when we fail to recognize our emotions in time?
Unconscious emotions control us and lead to actions that we later often regret. To see this mechanism in action, it is enough to watch the news carefully. Let's look at some of the most striking examples.
In 2012, the Russian national football team, rather shamefully and very disappointingly for the fans, could not leave the group at the European Football Championship. After the match, talking with the fans in the hotel, the captain of the national team Andrei Arshavin, in response to the claims, rather sharply replied: "The fact that we did not meet your expectations is your problem." And although he was right from the point of view of pure logic (high expectations are really the problem of someone who wanted too much), the emotional background was so intense that the phrase led to a real explosion. Several next days most channels and newspapers endlessly quoted the unfortunate answer, Internet forums were filled with hatred, and in the end Arshavin had to apologize to the fans.
However, football history also knows more vivid examples when a player succumbed to the influence of emotions. In the final of the 2006 World Cup, the French lost on penalties to the Italian team. But the main news that day was not even the results of the final of the main football tournament, but the removal of the famous player of the French national team Zinedine Zidane from the field during the final match.
At the beginning of the second extra half, in the 109th minute, Italian national team player Marco Materazzi said something unpleasant to Zidane. He reacted immediately: he strongly “butted” Materazzi in the chest, after which he collapsed on the lawn as if knocked down. As a result, the chief referee of the meeting, Horacio Elizondo, after consulting with the reserve referee, showed Zidane a red card. Zidane was so upset by the failed triumphant end of his football career that he did not even take part in awarding his team with silver medals.
In 2004, journalist Irina Aroyan asked Philip Kirkorov at a press conference why there were so many remakes in his work. You probably know what historical phrase ended the dialogue that followed this question. Kirkorov's remark: "Your pink blouse, your boobs and your microphone annoy me" - led to the initiation of a criminal case against the singer and legal proceedings, as well as a series of boycotts of the pop artist by the press.
Skeptical participant of the training: Yes, he only wanted such fame!
Of course, many pop singers only benefit from scandals, and some even imitate them on purpose. It seems to us that in this case a different story took place. If you carefully look at the entire dialogue, you can see that Philip, although annoyed, is completely correct at the beginning of the dialogue, asking clarifying questions to the journalist. However, after a while, the irritation grows, and he can no longer cope with it. Naturally, he was hardly aware of his irritation in that situation, which led to a scandalous end.
In 2000, Vladimir Putin was asked about the Kursk submarine tragedy. It is widely reported that when asked what happened, Putin smiled awkwardly and said, “Kursk? She drowned." There are many opinions about why the answer turned out to be so unsuccessful; among ill-wishers they say that this is “rudeness”, and the smile was “malicious”. It seems to us that unconscious fear led to such an answer: after all, the first serious tragedy in the experience of the novice president of a huge country, and, apparently, he did not have time to prepare properly. In our opinion, this very awkward smile is a confirmation of this - out of fear, people often smile just like that.
- 40.