B.O.F.F., SOI, SLC and "sandwich". Models feedback
In this article we will look at several models that allow to a successful leader build a constructive dialogue with the employee. After all, feedback in the work process is important for both parties. For convenience, we will use examples.
"Sandwich" of feedback
Most famous model- and widely used. Simple to understand, easy to remember, easy to use.
Description: the developmental feedback block is located between two positive feedback blocks. Hence the name "sandwich". It is used in conversations about setting goals, adjusting results, and developing employees. Typically not used for disciplinary conversations, situations involving violations, failure to fulfill duties, where adjustments to the employee’s behavior are required.
Situation: Sergey, an employee of the sales department, fulfilled the plan according to two indicators (sales volume and number of active clients). However, the target for selling the new product is only 50% achieved.
Example:
1. Start with a positive assessment.
“Sergey, it’s nice to note that this month you were included in the group of the best sellers who fulfilled the sales volume plan by 100%. I see that you had to work hard and establish relationships with many clients - you are also a leader in terms of the number of active clients.” After such words of encouragement, the employee will be ready to discuss areas of work that require improvement.
2. Discuss what needs improvement and change, agree on an action plan.
“At the same time, there is still room to grow. Pay attention to sales of the new brand. This month you only accomplished half of what you planned. It is now important for the company to bring this product to market. Let’s discuss what you can do to improve this indicator next month.” Note that there is no criticism. There is dialogue and constructive discussion.
3. End the conversation on a positive note.
“Great, the plan has been agreed upon, now let’s act. I am sure that with your ability to work with clients, you can handle this task. Remember: if you increase sales of a new brand, you can enter the top three winners in the competition that is currently underway. If you need help, come in."
B.O.F.F.
Description: initial word English name four stages of the model. Behavior – Outcome – Feelings – Future.
Situation: a new employee of the customer service department, Irina, regularly violates the standards of quality service, namely: she does not greet clients, is rude, ignores client requests, does not answer phone calls, and is late during lunch breaks.
Example:
- Behavior. Tell Irina your observations about her work. Specifically, in the language of facts, preferably with details, dates of observations. Discuss the reasons. Sometimes it happens that an employee is not fully aware of what is expected of him.
- Outcome. Discuss with Irina how her behavior (irritation and rudeness when working with clients, ignoring requests, long absence from work after a break) affects business results, the number of complaints from clients, and the number of Clients served.
- Feelings. Talk about how you feel knowing that Irina works this way. You are upset, sad, not very happy, it’s unpleasant for you to realize. Discuss how other employees feel when Irina long time are not at work and have to work with additional workload. By doing this, you will help Irina realize that her behavior is unacceptable.
- Future. Discuss with Irina what she can do in the future to eliminate this behavior. It is best to ask questions and get answers from the employee. This will allow her to take responsibility for decisions and actions in the future. At the end of the conversation, agree on specific actions and deadlines - outline an action plan for the future. And it is very advisable to schedule a meeting date at which you will summarize the work on yourself that Irina will do.
SOI
Description: Standard – Observation – Result.
Situation: Andrey, an employee of the technical support center, did not respond to a request for troubleshooting from the business development department.
Example:
- Standard. Remind the standards that have been set. “For the second year now, our department has had a rapid response standard - any request must be answered within 15 minutes. This does not mean that the fault will necessarily be fixed in these 30 minutes, but our customer will receive a response that the application has been accepted and we have started working.”
- Observation – State facts and observations. “On the application that you received yesterday at 10:25 from the business development department, the customer did not receive a response until the beginning of today. The problem has not been resolved: there is still no access to the system.”
- Result. Discuss the impact of behavior on the business, team, clients, employee. “As a result, the business development department was forced to postpone negotiations with a major client yesterday; they were unable to obtain the information necessary for preparation. This is an important client for the company, and we have no guarantees that they will not start negotiations with competitors because of our sluggishness.”
It is logical that the next step would be for the employee to make a commitment to change. own behavior.
SLC
Description: Successes – Lessons (Learn) – Change. This feedback model fits well into teamwork: work project teams when summing up final or intermediate results, team meetings.
Situation: The project team has completed the first stage of development of the new system.
Example:
Ask each project team member to list the 2 most important personal accomplishments they achieved during the project, the 1 most important lesson they learned, and the 1 change they needed to make in the second phase of the project. Then let everyone have their say. Make lists and choose the 5 most important achievements, 2 lessons, and 1 most important change. The number of items in the list may vary depending on the situation and the size of the project team.
Of course, there are many other ways to structure a conversation with an employee. This article provides an overview of the most well-known and successfully used feedback models in practice.
Vladimir Belyaev
Lucky! I was incredibly lucky to meet such a person - the best in the world, the most wonderful, kind, smart, gentle... Remember? The exciting first dates are over. Then you got to know him better, and he became almost like family. The wedding is already over. Now I wish I could live happily until old age and prepare to die one day, as expected. But no, it turns out that your incomparable one has a stupid habit of picking his nose, turning on Amatory at full volume and losing the money you saved for your vacation in an online casino. It is logical that you make comments to him.
The remarks escalate into a friendly spat. The dispute grows, turning into a quarrel. The quarrel grows, spreads, and it turns out to be a scandal. Dishes fly, doors slam. Are the dear ones scolding and just having fun? Carefully! Marital conflicts threaten not only shattered nerves, but also shaky relationships. There is no longer any ease of communication or trust between husband and wife.
Here are some statements by young spouses on this topic: “I don’t know how to talk to him,” “I don’t understand what she needs from me,” “She doesn’t understand what I’m talking about,” “He never listens to me,” “I I’m tired of constant arguments,” “How long can you quarrel over trifles?” Sound familiar?
Sometimes spouses see this as a kind of highlight of the relationship, especially when reconciliation occurs in bed. But if you have to put up with it for a long time, you keep remembering an unpleasant conversation, and sometimes you don’t talk for a week, it’s time to work on solving this problem. That is, learn to speak so that you are heard, and not only heard, but understood. Few people think about how they express their thoughts. It seems like we’re talking as God pleases us, and that’s good. Meanwhile, in psychology there is a special concept to denote competent conversation - constructive dialogue.
Constructive dialogue is communication during which opponents use logical argumentation and are favorably disposed towards each other. Simply put, this is a way of creating truth or convincing a communication partner of the truth of one’s opinion.
How to learn to conduct a constructive dialogue?
Where to begin? First and foremost: determine the topic of dialogue and stick to it throughout the entire (!) conversation. To be honest, many, starting with a discussion of the film, move on to accusations of lack of culture and remember all the relatives who spilled sauce on the tablecloth at the wedding. Forget about associations, they have nothing to do with the main topic. When, in the middle of an argument about where to go in the summer, you want to say, “And you, like last Wednesday, will just lie around with a can of beer!”, It means that you have run out of arguments and you have lost. Apologize and reschedule the conversation for another time.
Second: learn to formulate your thoughts correctly. Compare two statements: “You scattered your socks again!” and “The socks are in the wrong place.” In the first case it is an accusation, and in the second it is a statement of fact. It is precisely facts that constructive dialogue is based on. Emotions are minimized.
The third rule is the same as for scientific discussions. Use objective arguments to support your point of view. During the conversation, rely only on formal logic. No matter how confident you are in your rightness, assume that your opponent is right, evaluate his point of view from a position of logic.
So, briefly
Prohibited techniques: remember old grievances, refer to the opinion of mom (dad, girlfriend, Boris Ivanovich...), refer to common truths, use generalizations, insult a partner, mock him, use false information.
You can't either:“pressure on pity”, “shed tears”, blackmail, and in general in any way evoke and demonstrate strong emotions.
Need to: think logically, express your thoughts clearly and concisely. Speak in an even, calm voice. Try to take your partner's place. Imagine that you are solving an interesting problem or puzzle together, focus on the problem, not on the person.
It may be difficult at first to switch from your usual manner of speaking to a constructive one. Some scientists even believe that the civilized way of resolving conflicts is contrary to our psyche, for which the main task is survival, not compromise. But for you the highest goal is not to win, not to leave behind the last word, and save a good relationship with the person you love.
John Rockefeller states: “The ability to communicate with people is a commodity bought with money, like sugar or coffee. And I am willing to pay more for this skill than for any other commodity in this world.” Since the main means of communication between people remains language, speech, then communicating means saying the right words at the right time. This skill is really worth a lot, and the higher the leader, the more valuable his time, the higher the price of every unsuccessfully spoken word.
The manager is constantly faced with the need to: a) encourage subordinates to act in the direction necessary to achieve assigned goals; b) carry out your ideas in negotiations; c) prove your point of view in other circumstances. In all these situations of communicating with people, it is necessary to influence them in such a way that they perform actions that are convenient for you, experience the emotions you need and have the beliefs you need. People always strive to influence the world around them, subordinating it to their will. Business leaders strive to influence the world around them to achieve business success.
How to get people to do what you want them to do (which is essential for effective management and generally successful business management)? Obviously, any attempt to influence a person in the direction you want causes him to have a backlash. He resists the influence, trying to remain consistent with his opinion: firstly, he knows better what and how to do, secondly, he doesn’t like you at all, thirdly, he has a headache in the morning, and fourthly, he recently read an article in which it is written in black and white that this cannot be done. This situation must be resolved in your favor. What to do for this (regardless of whether your opponent is a subordinate, partner or client)? There are few options. Either convince or force. It's easier to force, of course. Then the person, albeit against his will, will do as you need. The result has been achieved, but this result is temporary. It will be permanent when you can shape the will of another person so that he himself comes to the conclusion that he needs to act exactly as you want him to. To do this, he needs to be convinced - which is incomparably more difficult than forcing.
To convince means to break the system of arguments of your opponent, showing the inconsistency of his point of view (this is called repression), and then introduce your system of arguments proving your point of view into the conditional vacuum formed in his mind (this is called substitution). In order to prove to a person who wants to vacation in Turkey that he needs to vacation in Greece, you must first show him why Turkey is bad. And only then prove that Greece is good. Otherwise, he may agree with you that Greece is also good, but he will still go to Turkey. So, persuasion consists of two stages - repression and replacement. These are two absolutely different procedures which cannot be carried out simultaneously. This is often forgotten - due to the lack of polemical culture and even basic knowledge of logic.
The basis of persuasion is the ability to speak clearly, clearly and with reason.
Lee Iacocca, in his “Manager's Career,” states: “With my employees, I try to speak as clearly and frankly as possible. the best way create a business mindset in them by revealing the action plan to them and thus making them conscious participants in its development and implementation. I have to explain to them what my goals are, just as other managers have to set their own goals with their staff."
There are many benefits that are designed to help a person prepare for public speaking, gain the trust of your interlocutor, achieve your goal in negotiations. Something like "Oratory for Dummies." Everything in them is described point by point, and the reader has no doubt that if you follow the entire sequence as suggested smart people- the authors of the manual, then success is guaranteed. Alas, it is impossible to reduce such a subtle sphere human activity, like communication, to a few simple techniques, the mechanical reproduction of which would be sufficient. Any scheme still requires a certain flexibility in its application - and for this you still need to think for yourself. Good advice, for example: the interlocutor’s strong arguments, to which you have nothing to essentially argue, should be countered with wit. What if I don’t have a sense of humor and can’t successfully make an impromptu joke? This is given next tip: develop a sense of humor, remember successful jokes, anecdotes, aphorisms of great people. All this is good, but somehow difficult to achieve. Or the favorite recommendation of Americans: to win over a person, try to call him by name as often as possible. What if he hates his name? What should we call it: in accordance with American or Russian speech etiquette (especially since people usually get confused about the rules of our etiquette)? By name or by first name and patronymic (especially if the middle name is not indicated on the business card)? And the main thing is that any formal methods of winning over the interlocutor will not lead to anything good if the interlocutors are initially hostile towards each other.
Perhaps these manuals fulfill a certain educational mission, helping to eliminate communication illiteracy in society: in the end, if someone even thinks about what to say, one must communicate with people not as God dictates, but consciously, using what is appropriate in one or another in a different situation, techniques are already good. Having realized the meaning of a word, once having felt the power of its impact, a person will not use it thoughtlessly. But for the effectiveness of speech communication, to achieve the set goal, knowledge of elementary techniques is not enough. Techniques are a craft, communication is an art.
Unfortunately, the current situation in Russia is not conducive to friendliness. People, as a rule, initially do not trust each other, which, in general, is quite justified by objective reasons. Moreover, they are initially inclined towards conflict rather than towards achieving a common position. The inability and unwillingness to conduct a constructive dialogue leads to the fact that energy is spent on destroying the opponent, and not on coming to an agreement and deciding what and how to do through joint efforts. The results are obvious. The vicious circle associated with intolerance of other people's opinions and the inability to prove one's own is reproduced again and again. Meanwhile, the authors of some scientific works in rhetoric (the theory of speech communication) they argue that it is impossible to establish constructive cooperation between people who have a negative attitude towards each other, even if they are interested in this and decide to hide their hostility behind formally quite correct speeches. True feelings will manifest themselves in facial expressions, gestures, intonation - in things that are almost impossible to control. Whatever we talk about with another person, we simultaneously communicate to him our attitude at all levels of so-called nonverbal communication. Unless intelligence officers who have undergone special training can, to one degree or another, control non-verbal level. However, they also fail from time to time for the reason that it is almost impossible to completely subjugate unconscious, involuntary reactions.
According to psychologists, a person, perceiving a discrepancy between words and non-verbal series, between the conscious or unconscious attitude of another person and his behavior, begins to experience some tension, dissonance, and a feeling of discomfort. At the same time, even if reason and logic are on the side of the interlocutor, the feeling of discomfort causes protest and a seemingly illogical intention for confrontation and capricious stubbornness. Experience shows that communication is most effective when the ethical and emotional attitudes of the speaker correspond to the content of the spoken text.
Researchers studying the new conditions for the functioning of the Russian language note the action of two opposing trends in our society: the emergence of a sense of openness to each other, a sense of “common destiny” that generates comradely solidarity, and the strengthening of relations of hostility, aggressiveness, and competition. Often in specific circumstances it is the second tendency that dominates, which does not contribute to the effectiveness of communication.
Among other things, there is a change in the value system in our society, and new system has not yet been fully formed, there are no strict value norms yet: this is possible, but this is not possible, this is fair competition, this is unfair, paying taxes is good, but not paying is bad (we are not talking about laws, we are talking about the extent to which these attitudes took root in consciousness specific people, because a law on paper is one thing, but internal awareness and acceptance of this law is completely different). Against this background, most people have formed what in psychology is called an external locus of control. Locus of control is a quality that characterizes a person’s tendency to attribute responsibility for the results of his activities to external forces or to his own abilities (inabilities) and efforts. External locus of control indicates the tendency to attribute reasons for one's failures. external factors(circumstances, accidents, machinations), that is, in other words, about irresponsibility. With an internal locus of control, a person takes responsibility for the events that happen in his life, but this is not typical for most Russians.
Irresponsibility leads to the fact that people easily make promises, make irresponsible statements, use obviously false and unverified information, use unproven arguments, trying to impose their opinions on others. It also does not promote constructive dialogue.
Negative attitudes cannot lead to positive communication results.
In the opinion of modern researchers, the most productive basis for the formation of positive moral attitudes for effective verbal communication is the ethics of non-violence. This theory is based on the postulate of human moral ambivalence, which is irremovable and is the basis of human existence. A person is equally the bearer of good and evil - two opposing principles, and they manifest themselves in his actions unstable. When entering into verbal communication, the partner must activate good principles and block negative tendencies. Ideologists of the ethics of nonviolence formulated a number of principles social interaction people, which must be observed in the practice of speech communication. These include: rejection of the monopoly on truth, readiness for change, dialogue and compromise, criticism of one’s own behavior in order to identify what in it can feed and provoke the hostile position of the opponent, analysis of the situation through the eyes of the opponent in order to understand him and find such a way out, which would allow him to save face, fight against evil, but love for the people behind him, complete openness of behavior, absence of lies, hidden intentions, tactical tricks.
In addition to ethical principles verbal communication There are principles created by linguists - researchers of speech communication. These rules are based on the fact that if people do start talking to each other, it means that they are equally interested in this conversation. Therefore, they must make every effort to ensure that the conversation takes place and is not empty and meaningless. Grice's principle of cooperation states: "Your communicative contribution at a given stage of the dialogue should be such as is required by the jointly accepted goal (direction) of this dialogue." More specific postulates of verbal communication are divided into four categories: quantity, quality, attitude and mode.
- Your statement should contain no less information than required.
- Your statement should not contain more information than required.
- Don't say what you think is false.
- Don't say anything for which you don't have sufficient grounds.
- Avoid unclear expressions.
- Avoid ambiguity.
- Be brief (avoid unnecessary verbosity).
- Be organized.
For each of the identified communicative categories, a simple analogy can be drawn from other, say, everyday situations.
Quantity. If you help me fix a car, I naturally expect that your contribution will be no more and no less than what is required: for example, if at some point I need four nuts, I expect to receive from you exactly four, not two and not six nuts.
Quality. It is natural for me to expect that your contribution will be sincere and not false. If you help me make a cake, I don't expect you to give me salt when I need sugar.
Attitude. At each stage of joint action, it is natural for me to expect that the partner's contribution will be relevant in relation to the immediate goals of the given step. When I knead dough, I don't expect you to hand me a book or kitchen towel(although the same action might become appropriate in one of the later steps).
Way. It is natural for me to expect that my partner will let me know what his contribution is and that he will carry out his actions with due speed.
Of course, participants in verbal communication can circumvent this or that postulate, openly refuse to comply with it, and thereby mislead the interlocutor. But Grice emphasizes: “Anyone who strives to achieve the ultimate goals of verbal communication (this could be receiving/transmitting information, influencing others or submitting oneself to someone else’s influence, etc.) is expected to be interested in this communication, in turn, can be beneficial and useful only if the principles of cooperation and postulates are observed."
John Leach described another leading principle of communication - the principle of politeness, which is a set of a number of maxims.
Maxim of tact. This is the maxim of the boundaries of the personal sphere. Ideally, any communicative act provides for a certain distance between the interlocutors. Therefore, you should not discuss the goal that the interlocutor is pursuing in a conversation, unless he himself has said it. In addition, you should not touch on potentially dangerous topics ( private life, personal tastes, etc.).
Maxim of generosity. This is a maxim of not burdening the interlocutor; it protects him from domination in the course of communication. You should not bind your partner with a promise or oath; the offer should be formulated in such a way that it can be rejected (you should not make offers that “you cannot refuse”).
Maximum of approval. This is the maxim of positivity in evaluating others. The atmosphere in which verbal interaction occurs is determined not only by the positions of the interlocutors in relation to each other, but also by the position of each in relation to the world and whether these positions coincide. If the assessment of the world does not coincide with the assessment of the interlocutor, then this greatly complicates the implementation of one’s own communication strategy.
Maxim of modesty. Maxim of non-acceptance of praise addressed to oneself. Successful communication requires realistic, as objective as possible, self-assessment. Otherwise, it may affect the establishment of contact.
Maxim of consent. This is the maxim of non-opposition. She offers a waiver conflict situation in the name of solving a more serious problem, namely, preserving the subject of interaction, resolving the conflict through mutual correction of the communicative tactics of the interlocutors.
Maxim of sympathy. This is a maxim of benevolence that creates the atmosphere for successful substantive conversation. Malevolence makes the speech act impossible.
The principles of Grice and Leach form the basis of the communication code, that is, complex system principles governing the speech behavior of the parties during a communicative act.
Of course, the above postulates, maxims and principles are not absolute. Many criticize them for their isolation from the real conditions of social reality, that is, from the real conditions of communication - if even in America they doubt the possibility of applying this communication code, then what can we say about Russia? Nevertheless, their observance will allow creating a positive communication climate, establishing contact in the communication process, which is necessary for its effectiveness - after all, it is known that the amount of information transmitted and its accuracy increase in an atmosphere of trust and openness. Isn’t this what we are trying to achieve when we talk about the efficiency of using 80 percent of a manager’s working time?
But that's not all. A number of psychological norms of communication should be observed.
The principle of equal security, which implies non-infliction of psychological or other harm to a partner in information exchange. Insulting attacks against a partner, attempts to humiliate his self-esteem, labels, rude words and expressions, offensive remarks, a contemptuous and mocking tone are prohibited.
The principle of decentralization, which means not causing damage to the cause for which the parties interacted. The efforts of communication participants should not be wasted on protecting ambitious, selfish interests. They should be directed to search optimal solution Problems.
The principle of adequacy of what is perceived to what is said. Not causing damage to what is said by deliberately distorting the meaning. Sometimes the opponent’s position is deliberately distorted, his words are “distorted” in order to gain an advantage in the conversation.
But the main thing to remember when organizing speech communication is:
- The point is not what you say, but what the other person understands.
- If you are misunderstood, it is your fault, since it is the sender of the message who is responsible for accurate communication.
Very often interpersonal barriers in communication arise due to the fact that different people put different meanings into the same words. This happens not only because the meaning of some of your words is unclear, unknown to the interlocutor, but also because the understanding of some words depends on life experience(for one the word “trust” means one thing, for another it means something completely different, the same applies to the word “justice” and other abstract concepts). Therefore, if you want to establish contact with a person, it is advisable to speak the same language with him. After all, your goal (usually) is not to make him understand that you are smarter, but to make him understand what and why you are saying. And the point here is not in eloquence (which you can only be born with) and not in oratory (which, in principle, can be learned). After all, not every communication situation is planned and prepared. The point is the ability to understand the needs of another person and speak to him kindly and in the same language.
Ivanova Maria
Magazine "Top-Manager", No. 10(20)
It would be much easier for people to achieve their diverse goals if they learned to communicate constructively. In our world, everything is based on communication: family, business, self-development, interaction with society, and if you learn the basics of constructive dialogue, you will shorten your path to success at least several times.
What is constructive dialogue (CD) and how does it differ from ordinary dialogue?
The main difference in these concepts lies in the purpose for which the conversation is being conducted at all, and, of course, in the style of the dialogue itself. A normal conversation is aimed at exchanging information and emotional outburst.
The goal of constructive dialogue is the orderly discovery of truth, which forms a clear worldview of a person.
Remember the difference! If you see a conversation in front of you that is not aimed at any goal, then this is ordinary chatter. Such chatter is aimed solely at exchanging information without understanding it. Which means As a result of this chatter, a person is left with only emotions: positive or negative depending on the communication style.
The main difference between a constructive dialogue is the mutual desire to achieve a common view and complete understanding, and until the goal is achieved, the interlocutors do not stop their communication. And this means that as a result of such a dialogue, a person should form a certain awareness that will improve his quality of life.
From this same difference follows the next sign - orderly and respectful communication.
People are able to openly discuss issues only when they feel attentive involvement on the part of the interlocutor. Any shouting, sarcasm, grinning or inattention closes the desire to communicate, and thereby violates the main goal of constructive dialogue - mutual discovery of the truth.
From this day on, we will begin to discuss with you the basic tips that develop constructive communication skills. And the first piece of advice with which we will begin our excursion is...
The ability to hear!
This is a very simple rule, and yet it is extremely rarely followed. Yes, yes, you think that do you hear your interlocutor, but often you just are you listening. And this is not the same thing at all.
Admit it honestly, you are used to perceiving your interlocutor’s thoughts on the spot and, having recognized only the first words, you strive to give a quick answer. Why waste time if the essence is already clear to you? Now ask yourself a question: are you ready to guarantee that you really understand the essence?
Or do you just think this is so because you have previously talked about the same topic with other people?
Our past communication experience largely influences our perception of certain topics. What you mean by “I know in advance what you will say” means that your memory has already recorded the course of a similar conversation from the past. And you are literally trying to walk along the same path with a new interlocutor, without plunging your attention into the essence of his speeches. In this case, you are not taking into account the fact that his ideas may differ significantly from the thoughts of your previous interlocutor.
Thus, people come to a collision in which one of the participants in the conversation protects himself from the constant interruption of his thoughts by the second interlocutor, and the second interlocutor is very pleased that he was able to answer questions in advance that had not yet been asked to him.
Even if you are really convinced that all the thoughts and ideas of your interlocutor are familiar to you, do not rush to answer him with ready-made answers. His thoughts and ideas are based on his picture of the world, which may be incomplete or, on the contrary, littered with false facts. This means that until you discuss his picture of the world and can jointly correct it to a single vision, your ready-made answers will be regarded as something “complicated, alien.”
Learn to listen carefully to your interlocutor - this is the only way you can see his picture of the world!
This is the first step towards understanding each other. This is the only way you can truly recognize the thoughts and ideas of your interlocutor. And if they are already familiar to you, but you do not agree with them, then only through attentive listening will you get the opportunity to see a person’s picture of the world, and find in it the keys to a unified view of the world.
If you don't trust yourself, you won't trust others either. If you don't believe yourself, that lack of faith affects those around you. In other words, you attract people and situations that are not trustworthy. And if you believe in yourself and your actions, then others will accept your attitude.
If you are going through an experience that you don't like, then you are blocked from within. Once this block is removed, everything immediately falls into place.
Basic counterintentions:
—I'm not good enough. Nobody loves me. Because you believe that you don’t deserve friendship or love, you don’t try to get close to people, and therefore you don’t find friends or loved ones.
—This is impossible. Even if you realize that the goals you would like to set for yourself have been achieved more than once by many other people, you may consider them unattainable for yourself simply because you think that you are lacking some necessary qualities, knowledge, tools or resources. This happens automatically on a subconscious level, and as a result, you often reject an idea without even considering it properly.
—Tunnel vision. People with this type of counterintention believe that there is only one solution to a given problem and only one way to accomplish a given task. If your answer begins with the words “Yes, but...”, it means that this counterintention is inherent in you, and you believe that success can only be achieved in one way. Thus, you block all other paths to achieving your goals.
—Nothing will come of it anyway. A person often fails not because it is inevitable, but because he believes in his failure.
There's nothing special about me. A person is always responsible for his own successes and failures, but with this counter-intention it is much easier to blame someone else for his unenviable situation, instead of doing correct elections that can lead you to success.
Self-image is how you perceive yourself in relation to other people. It is the story you tell yourself about who you are and what you are capable of. Self-image is very important because it directly affects your self-esteem and self-belief. Self image includes:
-what you think about your appearance;
- how others perceive you;
-what do you think about yourself as a person;
- how, from your point of view, other people think about you;
-how much you like yourself and how much you think other people like you.
To develop positive self-esteem, you need to develop a positive attitude towards yourself and the world around you, value yourself highly and treat other people responsibly. Self-esteem is not narcissism, but self-respect.
Enough! You must take responsibility for everything that happens in your life! You yourself are responsible for any events in your life. Stop feeling like a victim. Stop blaming the world around you. There are a lot of wonderful opportunities around, but for some hidden reason you are not realizing them.
You always attract to yourself exactly the energy with which you are harmonized, and if this energy is negative, then that’s what you will get.
One way to change negative beliefs about yourself is to change your mental habits. Mental habits are internal dialogues that you engage in over and over again.
Examples of negative mental habits: “I’m not a leader by nature, so I won’t be able to create own business“,” “I have a big bone, so I won’t become graceful,” “My parents also always lived from paycheck to paycheck, so what can I expect from myself?”
And there are also positive mental habits: “I love myself for who I am,” “I expect miracles every day, and therefore something good always happens to me,” “The Universe loves me!”
Most people have built up their ideas about what they can and can't do based on fairly minor events.
What we become is not determined by what we are given at birth. For the same reason We cannot hold other people responsible for our successes and failures., because this is a direct road to irresponsibility and helplessness. It is better to change yourself and your attitude towards other people. This is the path to happiness and success.
The first step to getting rid of the helplessness mindset is to clear the mind of negative dialogue generated by internal programming. Whenever you have a negative thought, stop your mind and remove that thought from it. Now you have every opportunity to replace this negative thought with a positive one. Negative thoughts piled on top of each other can break your spirit over time. Therefore, if you only let go of some of them and ignore others, it can lead to depression and self-pity.
So why is life still difficult for you? Why do you try new methods to achieve your goals, but fail again and again? One reason is the idea of control. We all like to think that we control our little corner of the world. In order to gain control, we create comfort zones, establish routines and draw boundaries - sometimes without even realizing it all. It is possible that you have built protective walls around yourself that actually limit your achievements and prevent any attempts to go beyond them.
Destructive self-talk falls into three main categories: regret, indecisiveness, and fear.
"Oh, poor me"
If you meet every difficulty with the words: “Oh, I’m a poor thing,” then the end result is that your life will be a complete misfortune. If you tend to see yourself as a victim of events rather than a participant in them, it weakens your ability to solve problems, and you may end up spending your entire life as a victim.
Often a person caught in a vicious circle of thinking “Oh, I’m a poor thing” says something like this:
— My boss always underestimates me;
“I’m constantly forced to spin like a squirrel in a wheel—there’s not even time to rest;
“For some reason, every man I meet always turns out to be a complete nonentity;
“My wife seems to think that I’m drawing money;
“It’s not easy to find a job now, so I’m holding on to what I have.” Etc. in this spirit.
The next time you find yourself complaining, “Oh, poor me,” try to take at least some responsibility for what is happening by starting each sentence with the pronoun “I”:
“I made a choice in favor of staying at this job, although I am extremely dissatisfied with it.
— I allow family members to put me in a difficult financial situation because I am afraid to refuse.
— I make a choice in favor of dating men who are obviously not suitable for me, because I am afraid of a serious relationship.
“I love it when people sympathize with my hardships.”
Master of Excuses
Another type of destructive behavior that limits your self-confidence is the “master of excuses.” The master of excuses is incredibly creative when it comes to avoiding or postponing moving towards his goals. His excuses usually look something like this:
- I'm too tired.
- I do not have much time.
- I have too many responsibilities.
- I'm too old.
- I'm too busy.
- I'm too young. Etc.
Take responsibility and stop making excuses!
We all live in certain comfort zones, and if any individual within one comfort zone goes to new level, others inevitably try to drag him back.
Regret
Regrets haunt everyone from time to time. Perhaps you regret unfinished business, a broken relationship, or unfulfilled plans. Regrets flood a person's thoughts, causing him to hesitate or become overly cautious. These thoughts are especially harmful to those who, based on them, form your personal history when they begin to think about all these “what if …”. For example,
What if:
-Would I agree to this job?
-Would I accept this business proposal?
-Would I have been more thrifty when I was younger?
-I wouldn’t have succumbed to provocation and made this stupid mistake?
-Would I keep my thoughts to myself?
-I wouldn’t say (do) this?
-Would I graduate from university?
Of such kind destructive dialogues over time they only get worse. If you do not learn to free yourself from them and let go of your past, this dialogue will continue to grow, depriving you of the present and destroying the future.
Indecisiveness
Indecisiveness is common to many people. Although our lives are full of events that can be regarded as positive, many people perceive their lives from a negative perspective. For example, when family troubles or financial difficulties arise, they fall into a paralytic stupor. Afraid of making the wrong decision, they make no decisions at all and watch their lives spiral out of control. At the same time, their negative dialogue looks like this:
-The boss filled me with tasks. How can I clear all this up?
-I'm stuck in debt and can't pay my bills. What to do?
-I lost my job. What should I tell my wife?
-I just finished my studies. I have a lot of debt and no job. So what's next?
The main weapon against indecision is focused intention. Focus on solutions.
Take a piece of paper and make a list of everyone possible solutions, whatever comes to your mind. Then ask family and friends what solutions they might suggest. Just by allowing yourself to explore your possibilities, you take a step forward. With this exercise, you will find solutions much faster than if you just sit and worry.
The key to solving everyday life problems is to force yourself to move forward - even if you are overcome by indecision.
Ho'oponopono release technique.
This technique (described in the book at the link below) is based on the idea that we we ourselves are responsible for everything that is in our lives- even if it seems to us that the source of what is happening is somewhere outside of us. And only by loving ourselves can we recognize this responsibility and change our own lives through cleansing and healing our higher self. This can be done simply by repeating the words:
-I love you.
-I'm really sorry.
-Please forgive me.
-Thank you.
The main idea is to accept everything that comes into your life. Instead of blaming other people or circumstances for events, you accept full responsibility. First, you remind yourself that you are worthy of love, and love helps you ask yourself for forgiveness for the events in your life and let go of those events. Only by accepting full responsibility can you attract true miracles into your life.
To understand the true power of this ancient knowledge, you just need to give up negative reactions, accept responsibility for everything that happens and realize that you can influence your own and others’ perception of the world.
Based on the book by Joe Vitale - “Expect Miracles! The missing secret to true success."