Hello, help me find the answer, I don’t know what to do, my husband doesn’t want to work, and we haven’t had a baby for a long time (5 months) and my husband still doesn’t think about looking for a job, I worked all my pregnancy, on maternity leave I began to work at home (sewing ) until the very birth, and he just sat and sits, after giving birth I would sit with the child, and I sew at home and I’m tired mentally and physically, I’m tired of my husband, he is offended and one answer is where I will find a job with a good salary, now there is a scam everywhere, it seems to me that he just sat out at home for this and doesn’t want to, my head already hurts where to find a job, but on the other hand, I don’t want to leave him for his baby, he’s still quite chesty, and we still have loans and my husband is constantly whining about how we will pay them, so I’m racking my brains, maybe I can get a divorce, but in my heart I love him
Hello Nina. Your patience and endurance is amazing. And you still manage to carry within yourself the love for this person. Your relationship is very unhealthy. The husband does not work so much time, does not support, does not help. Your child does not have full-fledged parents if you devote so much time to sewing in order to survive. And with regard to loans, it’s amazing - the husband sits at home, and you take on the responsibility of paying, and even feed everyone. I wonder what should happen that you finally understand that you can’t live like this? And what kind of love is this, where there is so much suffering, fatigue, there is no elementary pity, respect, support? Of course, you can live like this for the rest of your life. This will also be your choice. But apparently, you are still young, and have already timidly begun to think that such a relationship is destructive for you. If he still does not work, it is unlikely that you will force him to do it. But you can force or simply ask yourself to reconsider your attitude towards your marriage and your love.
Silina Marina Valentinovna, Ivanovo psychologist
Good answer 1 bad answer 0Hello Nina.
I agree with you that your husband stayed at home. You can look for good earnings for a long time. In the meantime, you can undermine your health. It is surprising that your husband does not notice your fatigue. He settled comfortably, one thing can be said. Even if he experiences some setbacks in finding a job, injustice does not relieve him of responsibility for providing for his family. Especially when you are on maternity leave and have more time to devote to the child. The question arises, why do you need such a person nearby if you do not feel protection, care, support in the family. Divorce, of course, is an extreme measure, well, if it is impossible to solve the problem in another way, then it needs to be solved radically. If you were able to provide for the whole family, then even more so on your own. And you know, this happens when people, even when they are in love, can end their marriage if it becomes clear that nothing can be changed.
Sincerely
Paryugina Oksana Vladimirovna, psychologist in Ivanovo
Good answer 4 bad answer 0Hello Nina! The answer is best sought together with her husband, it is necessary to share responsibility with him. You are responsible for many things in the family: take care of the child, earn money. The question arises: what does your husband do? He did not give birth to a child, as if the main cares for the child are on you. Your husband takes a childish position: he takes offense at you, does not look for work, finds excuses. It is strange that in such a situation you take loans, because the payment of them, too, is likely to fall on you.
Nina, if you really love your husband, push him to earn money for the family, otherwise your family will fall apart. Are you asking how to do it? It is difficult to answer unambiguously. To begin with, you can call him to the man's duty to find earnings and support his family. Next, you can talk to him about ways to find a job. It is only necessary to talk calmly, not to break into claims and grievances. Your husband wants to find a good income - any will do for a start. Tell him that when a person sits at home for a long time, it becomes more and more difficult to find a job, and the person himself has less and less strength. Trust in his ability to take care of the family and broadcast this idea to him. As long as you carry everything on your shoulders, your husband will sit quietly at home. Share worries and responsibilities with him - it's time for him to grow up.
Gorbashova Svetlana Vasilievna, psychologist in Ivanovo
Good answer 4 bad answer 1 
Hello Nina!
In fact, you now have two children. And you alone pull them on yourself. And if in the case of a child this is your maternal duty, then in the case of a husband - no. He is an adult capable person, who at the same time is very comfortable. Everything happens in life. There are families where a husband and wife have swapped responsibilities: she gets the "mammoth", he manages the house. But you don't have any help around the house! Everything is on you. How much more will your strength last in such a life? How long can you live like this when there is no help or support from a seemingly close person. After all, if the husband was actually preoccupied with financial problems, he would have gone to any job, even as a janitor. But it is much more comfortable for him to sit on your neck. And remember, you let him do it. It's just not clear why. In my opinion, it would be useful to deal with this and preferably together with a psychologist.
Bondareva Svetlana Pavlovna, psychologist of Almaty
Good answer 4 bad answer 2The desire for equality played a cruel joke with the weaker sex. Together with the desired, women also received pampered men who are trying to avoid the burden of problems associated with the material support of the family.
Moreover, young people are not embarrassed by this state of affairs, even if the wife is on maternity leave or simply earns little. In a difficult situation that has developed in the family, when the husband does not work, the advice of a psychologist will help sort everything out and contribute to the division of responsibility for the well-being of the family at least equally among all its members.
Justification can be found for everything, including the unwillingness of a man to work and support his own family. Psychologists have identified a separate list of reasons explaining this behavior of the stronger sex. Rather, these are not even reasons, but types of men who have these characteristics:
- gigolo or narcissistic egoist. A person who is used to living only by his desires, interests and not trying to adapt to the rhythm of life that does not correspond to his ideas;
- mother's son. Everything is clear here, based on the name of the type. An overage child, spoiled by excessive parental care and care, completely unadapted to the realities of life and unwilling to take on any obligations to support anyone, including himself;
- sloth. Such a man is characterized by laziness by nature, the habit of living at the expense of others, not bothering himself with worries about daily bread;
- unsociable or misanthrope. The main problem this representative of the stronger sex is the unwillingness to communicate with other people, regardless of the topic of the conversation - work, personal - he is not at all interested. Comfortable young man only on your own territory, where you do not need to contact with colleagues at work;
- melancholic. Very susceptible to criticism. The slightest failure, a nuisance can permanently discourage the desire to work anywhere. Constantly in a state of fear for any reason.
If a woman saw any of the above signs in her husband's behavior, then right decision there will be an appeal to a psychologist specializing in problems of this kind.
It is unlikely that it will be possible to resolve the situation on your own, often the root of evil lies deep enough and it is better to get professional help than to test your nervous system for strength.
What not to do if the husband is a parasite
Depending on which psychotype the idler spouse belongs to, intra-family relations will develop, aimed at restoring justice - the parasite will turn into a worker and earner.
In dealing with a sissy, psychologists advise the wife to be patient - after all, the manner of behavior was laid down in such a man from childhood, and it will take time to change the situation exactly the opposite. So, the recommendations of experts to women in a situation where the husband does not want to work:
- never, under any circumstances, demand anything from a man, especially in raised tones. The opposite effect will work - as a sign of protest, he will flatly refuse to fulfill the request;
- constantly praise even the slightest achievement at work, emphasizing the importance of his salary for the family budget;
- from time to time, with notes of regret in his voice, to say that if the husband worked, then he could be allowed to go on vacation somewhere or plan a major purchase for the house. Hint that in such a case there would be more possibilities fulfill the wishes of all family members.
With a certain perseverance and sincere, tender feelings of the spouses towards each other, the result will not be long in coming. A man can become not nominal, but the actual head of the family.
You will have to deal with an egoistic husband with slightly different methods. Since this type is not used to denying himself anything, the best way will reduce its content, justifying this by the fact that the salary was cut, and it will not be enough even for the most necessary.
It is unlikely that a spoiled male will want to deprive himself of his usual pleasures. Most likely, this will lead to the fact that he will force himself, his beloved, to go to work in order to return to the previous, comfortable standard of living. For a man who finds it difficult to be in the office, communicate with colleagues, build working relationships in direct contact with other people, freelancing will be an excellent way out of this situation.
Remote work will help to solve material issues related to the maintenance of the family, and to remain a sought-after specialist. A person in whose behavior there are clear signs characteristic of a melancholic needs long-term help based on the constant praise of his achievements and decisions.
In no case should you allow a single gram of criticism or dissatisfaction in relation to him. Otherwise, everything will return to normal and you will have to start the rehabilitation process again.
How to do it right
Women are a patient and compassionate people. They take on their shoulders unbearable burdens and cares for the family, if only all the household members would be satisfying, warm, comfortable.
There are men who are quite satisfied with the current situation, and they do not intend to change it. But the moment of insight still comes, and the spouse understands that it cannot continue like this. To begin with, a woman tries to persuade her husband to stop messing around and get a job.
Moreover, she often looks for suitable vacancies herself, writes a resume and sends it to potential employers, not even embarrassing to accompany her darling to interviews. In rare cases, this tactic works, and the man becomes the main earner in the family, allowing the fragile woman to return to her original duties as a guardian. hearth.
But, as practice shows, this does not always happen, and here it is already required practical advice, allowing to achieve the desired results in changing the psychology in the minds of the stronger sex.
In this video, a psychologist will tell you how to make your husband work:
Having listened to the advice of a specialist, a woman is able, by virtue of her sincere feelings for her husband, to cope with the problem that has arisen, without giving him constant tantrums. A loving wife will be able to arrange things in such a way that a man will think that he himself, well done, got out of a series of failures without outside help. Such an approach to an unhealthy situation in the family and ways to solve it will be the most correct. What do you think?
He is depressed. Or constantly changing jobs anywhere for a long time without stopping. Or justifies that "there is no normal work." Or promises that “I’m about to start earning millions soon, I just need to…” and a long list of some circumstances. Here's what you should know.
In the life of every man there are periods of failures, falls, depressions. A man has the right to a temporary stop to experience negative emotions, rethink, search for a new direction, search for himself. At this point, he needs your emotional support. At this point, it is not necessary to advise, but to praise. Praise for his previous achievements, remember them, admire them.
BUT! There is only a short time when a man can be allowed to do nothing - three days. If after three days the man started to ATTEMPT: to go to an interview, look for ads in newspapers, learn a new profession, etc., then it's okay - continue to support, but ask for a date when he plans to receive income. This is important because a man can delay the moment when he moves from trying to RESULTS. This is how “eternal” students or “eternal job searches” are born.
Further. The period that the man himself called when he planned to receive income has passed, but you see that there is no result. Time to ask what's going on. Yes, there may be objective reasons. But more often - subjective. Time to decide: give the man another term or move on to more decisive action.
You must remember: to generate income is the RESPONSIBILITY of the man in the family. You have the COMPLETE RIGHT to require him to fulfill this duty and to demand an account of what he does in order to fulfill it. It is clear that a man will resist, be indignant, demand "not to get into his men's affairs." This is not a man's business. These are things that concern the whole family. Therefore, each member of the family has the right to climb into them. How to earn a man decides. But everyone else has the right to demand from him that he EARN. You won't be fed up with promises, and therefore you must resolutely demand a RESULT. You have the FULL RIGHT to do so.
So, a reasonable time when a man SHOULD get together and start earning money has passed, and he is still lying on the couch, watching TV or playing on the computer. It's time for tough action: start depriving him of his comfort. First you warn, give a deadline, then deprive. For example: if you do not get a job by the end of the week, I will sell the TV (I will break it, throw it away, burn it). Hit on sore points: entertainment, food, sex. No money, no sex. No money, no food. No money, no fun. Dot. “Money in the evening - chairs in the morning,” as the great psychologist used to say, fitter Mechnikov.
As a summary:
1. A man should not be inactive for more than three days
Husband doesn't want to work
A man is a support, a reliable rear. The maintenance of the family usually falls on his shoulders. A woman, as a rule, is engaged in housekeeping and education of children.
But there are situations when, in addition to women's obligations, she is assigned the role of the main earner. "Why?" - you ask.
The wife is willing to endure the temporary setbacks of her husband. After all, no one can be immune from illness, layoffs and other reasons why a man loses his job.
But, if time passes, and your missus is in limbo, say, a couple of months or even more, it is worth thinking seriously here. Maybe he just doesn't want to work. Sometimes it happens. A man with a family, in his prime, shouldn't act like this.
Why doesn't the husband want to work?
The woman hopes and believes. But there comes a critical moment when patience comes to an end. It is important to understand here: either the spouse cannot find a job, or he is in no hurry to find it. Something needs to be done about this.
First you need to figure out - why does the husband not want to work? Let's discuss the reasons why a man does not want to work:
- Midlife crisis. Period when reviewed life values: what has been done and what is still to be done. This condition can be exacerbated by prolonged depression. In such cases, the help of a psychotherapist may be required;
- The wife is more successful than the husband. The picture is this: having lost his job, the husband understands that the money that the wife earns is enough to provide for the family. Therefore, he is not in a hurry to find a new job;
- Weak character. Men with weak willpower, even with minor life difficulties, lose faith in themselves;
- There is no professional work. Pending the best option you can find part-time work. It's better than being a burden to your spouse;
- Your husband is lazy. Promises and plans are just words. Some action needs to be taken;
- "Unrecognized Genius". This is the type of man who has no doubts about his genius and considers himself the greatest scientists, artists, etc. The husband will assure you that a little time will pass and others will appreciate his work, he will become famous and earn a lot of money. In the meantime - the wife will pull the whole family;
- Your husband is the idol of the family. The root of this problem goes deep into childhood: they idolized him and tried to protect him from difficulties, fulfilled any whims. He's just used to relying on someone.
Husband does not want to work: what to do?
The site supermams.ru will help you understand difficult situations. Studies show that women are more resilient to life's difficulties than the "strong sex". While the spouse is in a state of despair and uncertainty, their wives cope with the role of the breadwinner of the family.
How to be a woman in a similar situation? How to make your husband work? What methods of influence to use on it? Let's figure this out. First, let's look at the possible exit paths:
- You are a passive observer. Spend your salary on basic necessities: food, rent, medicines, and so on. Explain to your husband that your salary alone is sorely lacking. If a man really worries about his family, then there will definitely be work soon;
- Ask relatives and friends for help in finding a job for the missus. And if for some reason the proposals are rejected - put the husband before a choice: either he works and provides for his family, or let him leave;
- Don't shoot from the shoulder. It may be more convenient for you if you switch roles with him. That is, he will be engaged in housekeeping, and you will earn money. Time will pass, and maybe he will comprehend that the "keeper" of the hearth is somehow unmanly;
- Give support to your soul mate. Maybe he's too insecure. Finally try talk to him, to find him a job yourself, help to properly draw up a resume. After all, you are one family.
Remember that the pressure you put on your husband can not only be evaluated as an impetus to decisive action, but also become an obstacle.
Husband does not work: I want a divorce
Often a man thinks that his wife will not get away from him, because you have an official marriage, children, jointly acquired property. Therefore, he is in no hurry to find a job, because he does not consider this problem serious enough.
But what about a woman if no persuasion works on him and he is not even going to change anything. He is satisfied with everything.
Why should a wife endure all this and make efforts to make her faithful do what he should do anyway? And why then such a husband is needed at all? Why waste your health on it? What if the husband does not want to work?
The most logical outcome in such a situation is divorce. Yes, this is an extreme measure, but a perfectly reasonable solution.
Before you divorce, try to keep your family together. Maybe not all is lost. Patience to you and a working husband!
our history
I decided to talk about this situation, because I think that it may be useful for some readers.
One of my friends separated from her husband after the birth of her second child. Her husband sat at home without work for six months. And it ruined their relationship.
I didn’t understand then what the connection was between relationships and work ... But then I understood.
Second pregnancy ... 36 weeks ... Everything is going quite smoothly and positively ... And suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, the husband reports that he was fired.
To be more precise, the entire department was disbanded. And since the spouse was not registered according to work book, this was done very abruptly, and no compensatory payments were expected. What to do?
And then the agonizing wait began. Husband can't find a job. A crisis. The second child is born. We still need to make a lot of purchases ... And it is not known how much longer this situation will last.
Everyone is on edge. Our financial reserves are gradually dwindling. The husband periodically goes to interviews, but they don’t take him anywhere. Or take on training, and a day later kicked out. And in general, there are somehow few vacancies, much less than it was before ...
The situation is exacerbated by another moment. The newborn son has some pathology. congenital disease. Not dangerous, but requiring treatment. Treatments good specialists for good money...
Fortunately, we are still lucky. Somewhere in 2-3 months, the husband nevertheless got a job in a new place. Which turned out to be much better than the previous one. And the official registration, and the salary is higher, and the team is more pleasant. He still works there, he has already waited for a promotion.
But if he sat at home without work for six months or a year ... It's very hard. Not so much financially, but psychologically. Feeling insecure, insecure tomorrow, constant pressure... And mutual claims immediately multiply.
What if the husband is unemployed?
If your spouse can’t find a job, get ready to pass this test with him:
- Remember that you are one family. You are together. And your task is not to be separated. Remember this all the time!
- Help your spouse. Not in finding a job, but in saving the remaining money.
- Perform your duties well, clean the house, etc. Even from the simplest cheap products you can make a masterpiece!
- Trust God. This is the most important - and the most difficult. But understand that He sent you trouble for a reason! He expects you to pass this test!
- Don't judge your spouse. I understand that after 5 failed interviews, I want to scream: “Well, what kind of person are you that they don’t take you anywhere ?!” But it doesn't depend on him. Imagine if you were rejected so many times. How would you feel?
- Forget the phrases “I would have found a job long ago if I were you!”
- And do not look for additional part-time work! Express support like a woman. No need to take on the responsibilities of a man. He's a man. And he can feed his family.
- Believe in him. And constantly repeat that he will be able to get a decent job. Sometimes you need to instill it.
- I understand your temptation to start calling on job advertisements for your husband yourself ... But this is completely, completely superfluous. This will only make your spouse more inert.
- Try to stay beautiful, sweet, feminine and affectionate. No matter how difficult.
- Find a way to merge your negative emotions. In a diary. In prayer. In meditation... You can't keep emotions inside. But shouting to your spouse that he is mediocre, that he is not able to feed his family is very undesirable.
- Also, do not dare to complain about your husband to your mother or. They can turn you even more against your loved one. They will sympathize with you, showing what kind of a goat your husband is. The only exception is a mentor or a very wise friend.
- Pray for your spouse.
- Try to bring more joy into your life. You have enough pressure. But you can often go out for a walk together, rollerblading or jogging.
- In general, sports help to relieve the accumulated irritation.
A good video interview with Natalia Tolstaya on this topic:
In fact, such situations lead the relationship to new level. You find yourself in the same boat... Just remember that a family is created for self-development. Therefore, perceive the dismissal as an opportunity to work on yourself.
We must become more tolerant, softer. Must accept and no matter what. Must learn to love without any salary. And I wish that this stage passed in your life as easily as possible!