Resentment is a normal manifestation of feelings for any person; it is a standard reaction to the behavior of others, and especially close people. It is in relationships with those who are dear to us that resentment is perceived more acutely and is more difficult to experience.
One of the deepest internal conflicts is a feeling of resentment towards the mother. For a child, there is no one closer to his mother, and it is very painful to realize that she has somehow hurt you. How to overcome this, what needs to be done to cope with resentment and start living in harmony with yourself?
Why does resentment arise against the mother?
For most children, mother is the unconditional authority; we, like a sponge, absorb everything she says, be it criticism or praise. And if with positive statements everything is clear to the mother - she loves you and wants to demonstrate her love, then with negativity the situation is different. It hurts us, and these wounds often remain for many years.
What is the reason, because mother should wish us only the best? Take it for granted: ideal people does not exist, and your mother is no exception. No matter how well she treats you, she could make mistakes in her upbringing.
And she probably did. Not because she is bad, but because she is human. Even thinking over every phrase, mom cannot insure herself against the fact that you will be offended by her for something.
There are other situations in which the mother really does not try to please the child and behaves as she pleases, without regard to his feelings and experiences. In such cases, children grow up with large psychological problems, which are almost impossible to cope with alone - professional help is required.
When does this feeling happen?
Often the root of resentment towards the mother is hidden in childhood- the child is vulnerable and dependent on his parents, and therefore perceives criticism, prohibitions, misunderstanding or rudeness very keenly. Many people carry this unpleasant feeling in their hearts through the years, constantly returning to conflict situations in their thoughts.
Childhood grievances resonate with us most painfully, but a mother’s inappropriate behavior towards her daughter or teenage son, and even towards her adult child, can also seriously hurt. As we get older, it is more difficult to upset or disappoint us, and yet often it is adults who turn to a psychologist, wanting to overcome a recent conflict with their mother.
At this age, the connection with our parents is not as strong as in childhood, but we still consider them (and especially our mother!) to be the closest people and are very upset if they behave inappropriately towards us.
Mom may not be happy with your independent choice: and they entered the wrong university, and they chose the wrong man, and so on. It is important to always remember that this is your own choice, made consciously and is a reflection of your personality.
But many people forget about this and are very worried about disappointing their mother. This is a harmful practice - you need to live for yourself, not for your mother. Unfortunately, not everyone realizes this or understands it too late, when a strong resentment is firmly rooted in the heart.
In women, resentment towards their mother often worsens during pregnancy. This is not surprising - due to hormonal changes in the body, all feelings expectant mother worsen, including negative ones.
The woman becomes vulnerable and vulnerable. During this period, it is important to protect yourself from unnecessary stress, and if your relationship with your mother brings negative emotions, try to avoid communication.
What can a grudge against a mother lead to?
If you do not competently work through a situation in which you felt humiliated or offended by your mother, this may result in difficulties in later life. The phrase thoughtlessly dropped by the mother: “Where are you going, you’re fat!” leads to eating disorders and complexes.
A child who was denied everything in childhood, adult life considers himself unworthy of good things and pleasures. If your mother constantly compared you with someone (“Lyuda’s daughter is great, not like you!”), you will most likely not value yourself enough and, like your mother, indulge in comparisons.
This is why it is very important to forgive your mother: for comfortable life and acceptance of oneself as a full-fledged person with an adequate attitude towards character traits and manifestations.
How to get rid of resentment toward your mother
- Forgiveness
Forgiving is hard, so make sure you do it for yourself. By forgiving, a person does not cave in, but lets go of the problematic situation. Prove that the problem is no longer a concern and continue to live easier. It is not necessary to personally tell your mother: “I forgive you.”
If for some reason this is not possible, forgive her within yourself. Realize that her words or actions should not leave an imprint on your current life or deprive you of comfort and self-confidence. Even if she was wrong three times. Letting go of these negative feelings will make room for positive thoughts and experiences.
- Dialogue with mother
Not everyone has the opportunity or desire to discuss grievances with their mother. If you feel empowered to do this, try talking to her. Explain clearly what you didn’t like, what hurt you. Sometimes mothers really don’t understand what they might have hurt with their words or actions. Such a conversation will be productive: having realized the mistakes, mom will not repeat them in the future.
If you feel that the mother is not open to dialogue, do not try to convey worries and worries. This may make it worse psychological condition and increase feelings of resentment.
I am a professional family psychologist with experience in solving problems related to family relationships. If you are having trouble getting along with your mother, I can help. . I conduct consultations in a private office in the center of Moscow and online using. Anonymous and confidential
- Working through painful situations
The previous method is good if you have the opportunity to talk to your mother and be heard. How to let go of grievances against your mother in a different situation? Analyze the problem yourself: on a blog, in a handwritten diary, on separate sheets of paper.
Write about everything that worries and upsets you, try to be as honest as possible and do not leave out any details. Sometimes such work with your feelings helps you look at the offense from a different angle and see new moments.
It is important to try to analyze the motives of your mother’s behavior: what is the reason for the barbs and comments towards you? Try to look at the situation through her eyes and draw conclusions.
- Working with the subconscious
Working on strengthening the subconscious can help in resolving internal conflict, how to cope with resentment towards your mother. Give yourself positive attitudes that should become an immutable truth, support and support. For example:
- I'm strong
- I am an individual
- I'm happy with myself
These are not empty words: to get results, back them up with actions. Think positively, act according to your inner desires, achieve your goals, buy what you like. Self-love is the key to getting rid of old grievances.
What can be learned from resentment?
In adulthood, this condition has positive sides. Sometimes, when you cool down, you realize that you did something wrong, and your mother's criticism was justified. But it is important to maintain clarity of consciousness and not be led by unfounded comments. Realize that you are right and learn to defend your chosen position.
The mistakes that the mother made are good lesson. If you are raising a child, do not repeat your mistakes. Be wiser and better. This does not guarantee the child a carefree childhood without disorders and grievances, but it significantly minimizes their number.
Help from a psychologist
How to work through and forgive an offense against your mother? Doing it on your own is almost impossible. If you feel that you are unable to resolve an internal conflict without outside help, consult a psychologist. Unlike friends and relatives, a psychologist is a professional who knows how to work with such situations.
Communication is strictly confidential. You can trust me and tell me about your experiences. Not a word will be passed on to third parties.
I conduct consultations in a private office in the center of Moscow, but if desired, you can use Skype technology. To do this, make an appointment using the form feedback or contacting by phone.
Let me start by saying that I am a “late child who has been waiting for 10 years.” I heard this phrase from my mother’s lips more often than “ Good morning" Everything was justified to her. Absolutely everything. Humiliation - “I just want you to be better, because I’ve been waiting for you for so long”, punishments that are not commensurate with the offense - “I’m strict with you because I only want happiness”, constant hysterics out of nowhere - “you’re late child, I can’t help but worry.” And total control. For sixteen years, it seemed to me, she was everywhere: a gaze from the window onto the courtyard, a listening shadow under the door of the room, a search carried out with jewelry precision. Any deviation from her rules threatened many hours of hysteria with validol.
This is probably what happened to many people in childhood. But in the case of my mother, everything happened for completely incredible reasons. A few examples to complete the picture: I turned out to be “a creature who doesn’t love my mother” because I didn’t want to go to the toilet before a walk (I can’t urinate on a schedule), instead of a walk, of course, there was hysterics. The cutlet that was not eaten for dinner was smeared over my head at twelve o'clock in the morning, having decided that sleepy bewilderment was at least ingratitude, at the same twelve o'clock my mother canceled my birthday and immediately called the parents of my twelve-year-old friends. Many hours of choking with tears, staged attempts to strangle oneself with a towel, picturesque clapping of fainting, which immediately passed when trying to call an ambulance - all this happened for completely unpredictable reasons: from looking the wrong way to saying the wrong thing.
My childhood and teenage memories are strongly associated with the feeling of walking through a minefield and the feeling that I was constantly doing everything wrong. “I upset my mother, but my mother loves me so much, my mother was waiting for me so much.”
No, during periods Have a good mood my mother both praised and encouraged me. And it was probably all sincere. But praise affected me much less than constant negativity. And I rather considered myself “a fool who can’t do anything” than “the most beautiful and smart girl.”
At the age of sixteen I was very lucky to start living separately from my parents. By that time, I had no aspirations - what’s the point if I screw up anyway, no hobbies - why would they, if they’ll ban me anyway, and not a single friend - if there are no friends, then there’s no one whose parents are constantly calling with scandals.
Now I’m 26 and in general my life has returned to normal. Communication with her mother was reduced to a daily minimum and it seemed that she, too, had become calmer. Something was forgotten, something was corrected. I met a wonderful person who, perhaps, did much more positive things for the development of my personality than my parents. Self-confidence, a goal in life, and a favorite profession appeared, and a bunch of unfounded fears disappeared. But…
When everything returns to normal, some “but” will definitely appear. Two years ago, I got a night call from my dad, I arrived by taxi and saw a completely insane mother. As a result, the team - the center of borderline conditions - diagnosed F23. A month of treatment and everything seems to be normal again. A year passes, she is not seen by a doctor and ignores the pills, the situation repeats itself. Again, a month of treatment, discharge, refusal of pills and “relapse” a week later. Now with a diagnosis of F22. He gets scared and starts going to the doctor and taking medications. And so far, pah-pah-pah, he remains calm and adequate.
And three things gnaw at me.
Firstly, it was easier for me to perceive the “mother from my childhood” as a person who “simply has such a character, just such a view of the world, just like that.” Because then nothing could be changed, because it was impossible to re-educate an adult. And now I see that she can be different, she can be normal. This means I could have had a normal childhood, which means everything could have been different. And my path to myself as I am now could be shorter and less painful.
Secondly, I’m offended. For sixteen years, it’s not that dad didn’t try to protect me from her, it’s just that he did it without any significant effect. With attempts to level the situation with conversation, distract with something, appease. Where it was necessary to say “Stop it!”, he said “Well, honey, well, my dear, let’s be calmer.” And this had no effect on the mother, and sometimes only provoked her more. And the understanding that the approach did not work came only when her aggression completely switched from me to him. Then he realized that something needed to be done. But I decided to do this only with the help of me and my husband. On the one hand, I understand that 35 years family life with his mother took their toll on him. He doesn’t even try to make decisions, he just says “I don’t know what to do, your dad is weak-willed.” On the other hand, I am offended by him because I was a child who also did not know what to do, but he was still an adult. But I feel bad for him, because it’s terrible to hear such words from an adult man who, by the way, has achieved a lot in a very difficult profession that is not at all suitable for the weak-willed.
Thirdly, despite all the changes in my mother’s behavior, I still cannot and do not want to communicate with her. No further than the duty officer’s “how are you?” by phone. I have a lot of anger, resentment, bitterness. And if usually this doesn’t bother me, then with one look at her everything comes back. More than half an hour in one room - I almost start to shake.
And I can’t really imagine when all this will finally stop tormenting me. It looks like mosquito bite– it doesn’t itch until you touch it, but once you start scratching, you can’t stop until you tear it until it bleeds.
Answers from psychologists
Alina, hello! The ambiguity, the resentment around which you are now walking and what is so painful, as well as the phrase “late child”. Can be worked out through analytical interaction. Apparently you are experiencing big interest, the need to obtain healthy protection.
Sincerely.
Alla Kudryashova, consultations, psychotherapy (skype) Minsk
Good answer 1 Bad answer 1Alina, my sympathies to you. And it’s true that starting life with the fact that it (life) is being strangled is lonely, scary and offensive.
When everything returns to normal, some “but” will definitely appear.
Actually, this is life. It’s just that for someone who rarely experienced normality, each subsequent abnormality can be perceived as another drama or tragedy. In any case, the feeling that you have to force yourself again in order to somehow survive in another extreme situation will be present.
I could have had a normal childhood, which means everything could have been different. And my path to myself as I am now could be shorter and less painful.
Alina, your mother’s illness is a consequence of her character. The character was formed in childhood. Everything is interconnected. And you can’t re-educate anyone at all. Even a child after 6 years old can no longer do this. Unless the upbringing contains elements of psychotherapy. Only psychotherapy, contact with a psychologist, or a difficult psychological situation can change (but not a fact). But they go to a psychologist voluntarily; a team brings them to a psychiatrist. It’s just that at that time your mother was an immature person to take care of her own life. And she hardly knew anything about psychologists.
You couldn't have had a normal childhood. And you will have to accept this fact, if, of course, you want to free yourself from this tension. As a rule, acceptance is followed by a change in attitude towards one's past. The pain will not go away, but it may become weaker until eventually you discover in it the source of your own ability to love. In the meantime, you don't sound like adult woman, who knows how to love, and as an adult woman needs love.
You have come a long way to survive. But this is not the end. If you want to live life to the fullest, the path is worth continuing, and it is not short either. Psychotherapy is highly recommended for you. And your own suffering should be considered as a point of growth. Due to the events that happened in childhood, you should have great potential for development. And this can be shared with others over time.
I’m offended by him because I was a child who also didn’t know what to do, but he was still an adult.
Since resentment is alive, which is natural, it means in this place of your soul you are still a little girl. If you take care of yourself (I mean work with a psychologist), your consciousness will form a different attitude towards your parents. Not as allies, enemies, servants, etc., but as equal adults with their own difficulties, disabilities, complexes, etc. But this is not a quick thing.
Despite all the changes in my mother’s behavior, I still cannot and do not want to communicate with her.
It is important to realize why you need to communicate with her. You don’t want to be as cruel as your mother, and mentally force yourself to love her, or maybe you are still waiting for her to express love for you. It is important to clarify this in order to understand how to deal with it.
In any case, it would not be worth raping yourself. You are already a psychologically raped person. I think that self-love and self-care is what you need first of all.
And I can’t really imagine when all this will finally stop tormenting me.
When you undergo psychotherapy.
All the best!
Stankevich Anzhelika Vyacheslavovna, psychologist Minsk
Good answer 2 Bad answer 0What to do if the resentment against your mother has been going on for many years, but it does not go away? Everyone says that you need to let go of these feelings and live your life. But I can't do it.
You have the right to be offended
The first thing I want to say is that your feelings of resentment are legitimate. If it has been present in your life for many years, then there is a good reason. For example, your mother’s actions or words were too painful or traumatic for you.
Simply accepting and forgiving parents for all their sins is often not only impossible, but also unhelpful.
Why does the resentment not go away?
As a rule, feelings “get stuck”, repeat themselves, go in a vicious circle when they do not find expression.
How it works? Any feeling is a reaction to some event in the external world. It is given to us as a hint, that is, the feeling helps determine how we feel about this event and how we should react to it.
Imagine your friend telling you: “This new jacket suits you very well!” Most likely, you will feel joy, pleasure, and gratitude to your friend. These feelings will make you smile and say thank you.
Or a neighbor's boy hit your window with a ball - then you will get angry and go to deal with his parents - demand an apology and compensation for the damage.
The same thing happens in relationships with parents. When your mother says or shows you through her actions: “You are my most big mistake in life!" – you also have a variety of feelings. Most likely, great bitterness or intense anger, even rage.
But here's the difference. Often, no matter how great the intensity of feelings for your mother is, you are so overwhelmed by them that it is very difficult to digest them, analyze the situation, and respond adequately.
After all, on the one hand, it’s hard not to love your mother. On the other hand, at this moment I want to kill her. The combination of anger and love is precisely the feeling of resentment. I hate you, but I love you - and therefore I cannot hate you.
What to do with old grudges
Your task is to restore the interrupted cycle “emotion – desire – action”. To do this, you need to figure out what exactly interrupted him.
For example, you love your mother so much that it is impossible to express your feelings to her. It seems that if you honestly tell her about how hurt and offended you are, your mother will immediately treat you differently and begin to love you less.
I think your fears may be partly correct and adequate. Mom, especially if she is old and has always been hot-tempered and touchy, can easily take offense at your claims. But any complaints can always be formulated in an inoffensive manner.
Compare: “Mom, I want to tell you honestly: you ruined my whole life and I hate you!” and “Mom, I have heavy feelings in my soul. Will you listen to what I say? When you told me that you didn’t want me, I felt completely unnecessary to you. I was very hurt. It would help me a lot if you said that you really don’t think so and that you care.”
Of course, not every mother will be affected by such words. Some mothers may even say something even more offensive in response. If it seems to you that this will be the case with your mother, then I completely trust your feeling. There is another way in this case.
If you can't talk to your mom
This method consists of two parts and is suitable for independent work. They use it when the mother is no longer there or frankly, calm communication with her is impossible for some reason.
You remember the importance of not blocking the feelings you are experiencing, but finding an appropriate way to express them.
If expression directly is not possible, then expression through fantasy will do.
The instructions for the first part of the exercise are as follows:
- Place your mother's photo on the table. Imagine your mother - at the age at which your resentment was strongest.
- Tell “mom” about your grievance. Say whatever comes to mind, without choosing any expressions. This technique is good because you can express yourself as fully as possible without holding back. If you feel like screaming, scream. You can even throw the photo off the table or tear it into small pieces.
- Stop the moment you feel you have had enough. You can feel this physically - most likely, during the exercise your body will move, tense, maybe you will clench your fists. When it's time to finish, you'll feel more relaxed.
When the first stage is completed, evaluate your condition. Have you been able to tone down your emotions a little? Do you feel like you've spoken out? How much easier has it become for you if you rate your condition on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 was your offense before the exercise)?
If your score has become noticeably lower, you can move on to the second part of the exercise. This part is done “with a cool head.”
Attention: everything written below is not suitable for working with traumatic experiences that were the result of delinquent behavior of the mother (this includes everything that the law defines as a crime: violence, bullying, leaving in danger, etc.)
Three questions about your mother
So, if the hurricane of your emotions has subsided, but resentment and bitterness towards your mother remain, try to answer the following questions for yourself:
- What was your mother's childhood like? Was she happy with him?
- In your opinion, on a “cool” head, is there anything to feel sorry for your mother for? How difficult was it for her to raise you due to objective circumstances - wealth, living conditions, the situation in the country and in the world?
- What did your mother do good for you? What are you grateful to her for?
By answering these questions, you will recreate a more objective picture of the reality of your childhood. Often, resentment towards parents is due to the fact that we are twisted into an emotional knot and it is difficult for us to get out of it. It’s like a snow storm: we walk and it’s as if there’s nothing around.
It is important here not to close your eyes to the grievances that you have, and to look at your mother through rose-colored glasses instead of black ones. And to see the three-dimensional picture - yes, in some ways my mother was a bad mother for me. This is true. And this part of history cannot be rewritten. But in some ways she was good. Like all people. Just like ourselves.
What you have learned in this exercise can be used as a self-support technique in the future. If you again feel offended by your mother, remember this principle - to paint a three-dimensional picture. Sometimes it takes several approaches to relieve feelings of resentment.
When you need specialist help
If you are overwhelmed with emotions, if self-support techniques that you read on the Internet do not work, if resentment towards your mother ruins your life, communication with relatives has become very difficult, you can turn to a psychologist for help. A specialist will help you get out of the emotional hole. Not everyone can handle this on their own - and there is no shame in asking for help. We don’t endure toothache forever. There is no reason to endure mental pain either.
Healthy? Join my group on VKontakte: “Well, again, everything is not, thank God. There are only freaks all around, you can’t trust anyone with anything. You have to do everything yourself. If you do it right, no one will notice, they won’t even say thank you.”. Sounds familiar? This is how resentment manifests itself. And very often at the root of this is resentment towards the mother.Let's figure out with the help of System-Vector Psychology Yuri Burlan what it is: how serious it is, what consequences the offense brings and whether it is possible to change it.
How serious is the resentment towards the mother?
So, by definition system-vector psychology, people who have an anal vector can be truly offended for life. These are balanced, calm, slightly slow professionals in their field, with outstanding memory. For them, mother is the most sacred thing! And suddenly resentment?Oddly enough, this is how it is. This resentment and frustration accompanies a person throughout his life. He looks at the whole world through the prism of resentment. For him, everything is wrong in advance. Touchiness becomes his eternal companion.
Instead of using his enormous memory capacity to preserve and pass on knowledge to the next generation, to be a teacher or a critic, he becomes a critic. He doesn't teach, he instructs. Instead of an ideal husband and father with whom you can live as if behind a stone wall, he becomes a family tyrant.
Psychology of resentment and stages of resentment formation
Why do feelings of resentment and guilt arise? And why is there resentment towards the mother?Those with the anal vector have a strong connection with their mother, especially in childhood. And the psychology of resentment towards the mother consists of many factors. For example, my mother constantly hurried me. Rushing a child with a slow metabolism means putting him under extreme stress. Especially if you kicked her off the potty: “There’s no point in sitting here for long!” The potty is associated with the act of cleansing, and this is important.
Or she cut off the story without letting her finish. Children with the anal vector love to talk in every detail, and the mother needs to have heroic patience to listen to everything. And this is also very important.
I forgot to praise her for a job well done. It is simply a disaster not to praise a child with a heightened sense of justice. She screamed. Screaming won't do anything other than stutter. Well, if she also insulted her, calling her “slow” or “slow” - it was an insult to her mother, an insult to her life.
And why? Yes, because the child loses the feeling of safety and security that he receives from the mother and only from her. Feelings of resentment and injustice towards you, anger, irritation, regret, and guilt become faithful companions of his life.
Guilt and resentment are faithful companions
And then it gets even worse. Constant grievances against my mother, grievances against everyone and everything. Here they underestimated, there they did not thank, here they did not notice or celebrate at all. There are only “freaks” and “idiots” all around, they are to blame for everything. And all the toilet language. By the way, as the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan shows, such people also have a “toilet” sense of humor.And sometimes mothers are manipulated by feelings of guilt and resentment, and anal children are ready to do anything just not to feel guilty before their mother. And here comes a paradoxical situation. On the one hand there is a feeling of resentment towards the mother, on the other - a feeling of guilt. It is clear that after such contradictions and tossing around, a person simply breaks down. And now an unsuccessful life scenario is ready. Who should be blamed for all the failures? Only close people, your family, wife, husband, children. So the family tyrant is ready.
Is it possible to get rid of feelings of resentment towards your mother and live a full life?
Feelings of resentment and guilt, feelings of justice and gratitude. This is what the worldview of people with the anal vector is based on. The geometry of their comfort is a square with perfectly smooth edges. Any slightest distortion in the concepts of “exactly, equally” brings extreme discomfort, and a desire appears to straighten this square.If they offended you, that is, they didn’t give you something, in their opinion, they will remember the offense until they take revenge. If they helped, they won’t rest until they thank you. Everything is equal, everything is in half, “as much as you are for me, as much as I am for you.” A natural question arises: how to cope with resentment, how to deal with it and whether it is possible to overcome it and change your life.
Of course you can! Everything is in your hands, and system-vector psychology will help with this. It will help you learn to understand the motives of other people’s behavior and see their desires. You can learn to forgive, manage emotions, and even understand the causes of psychosomatics, which often accompanies a state of resentment (for example, constipation, heartburn and other problems).
Having learned to think systematically, you will learn how to overcome resentment and understand the psychology of resentment. You will see that there is a life without offense. You will have an amazing desire to shout to the whole world: “I LOVE YOU, LIFE!”.
This feeling has already been experienced by many students of the training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan and spoke about it in their reviews:
“...The old, terribly heavy resentment against my mother, with whom I fell asleep and woke up, and the tears from these thoughts went away: “Well, why is she doing this to me? What did I do wrong to her? Why?” And then one day I realize that there is no resentment! She doesn’t exist at all, but there is understanding, justification and love for mom!..”
Marina P., artist, lawyer, Lipetsk
“...After six months of dead silence with my mother, I suddenly managed to start talking to her again. It is especially dear to me in this case that all my grievances against her come from the understanding that she could not behave differently with me. And from the realization that she herself (and almost all of our parents) is a victim of victims, a huge feeling of compassion awakens. That is, neither her parents nor she herself had any idea that we were all actually different. And all children need a certain approach. Banal words that I have heard thousands of times have now acquired concrete forms of this approach ... "
Vera Z., accountant, Stade, Germany
“...The relationship with my mother has improved fantastically. The grievances on my part were gone, I blamed her for everything, even my depression, that she couldn’t find a way to help me. Now there is great gratitude, love and joy. Recently I heard from her: “I think you have forgiven me!?” And it is true…"
Svetlana B., Moscow
You don’t need to take his word for it, come to a free online training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan and check it out for yourself. Register now using the link
The article was written using materials from online training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan