How to develop emotional intelligence. How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

Yuri Okunev School

Greetings to all readers of my blog. Yuri Okunev is with you.

What personal quality do you think you need to have in your arsenal to become a good leader? Honesty? Perseverance? Discipline? Yes, all this should be. But first of all, a leader must have powerful emotional intelligence. Today we'll talk about how to develop emotional intellect.

In the article, we explained what IQ is and how to increase its level.
Knowing your IQ is, of course, good. It is even better to have a fairly high level of intelligence. However, this does not guarantee success.

Life shows that people with fairly high IQ scores often work as janitors, drivers, and ordinary workers. And, conversely, to become, say, the President of the United States, it is not at all necessary to have an exorbitant IQ.

If you analyze who is in the MENSA organization (a closed society that includes the most intelligent people from all over the planet), then the conclusion suggests itself that you can have enough high level intelligence and, nevertheless, live your whole life “with a hole in your pocket.”

So what's the deal? It turns out that IQ does not provide objective data about the level of success and wealth of an individual?

The Secret of Leadership

In the mid-90s of the last century, US psychologists D. Goleman and L. Gardner asked themselves exactly this question. Then the concept of “emotional intelligence” (EQ) was introduced.

Until now, it was believed that emotions are some kind of uncontrollable substance, under the influence of which a person loses his mind. In his book "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman [/urlspan] expresses the opposite point of view. Emotions, the author says, can and should be controlled.

To do this, you need to learn to understand your feelings and get out of their sphere of influence. This will allow:

• Conquer your own fears and worries;
• Understand the motives of other people's actions;
• Influence others.

A leader does not have to have high intelligence. Due to emotional superiority, he will be able to surround himself with smart and gifted people and use their genius. This determines the effectiveness of actions.

Four spheres of influence

Emotional intelligence is divided into four components:

• Understanding yourself;
• Self-discipline, the ability to restrain negative emotions;
• Understanding others;
• Interaction with others.

To develop emotional intelligence, you need to sufficiently master each of these steps. Let's look at each of them in more detail.

Understanding yourself

Feelings come and go. There are negative emotions and there are positive ones. Sadness, joy, fear, anxiety, boredom - all this is a figment of our imagination. And yet, they can help us, or they can hinder us in everyday affairs.

In the book of psychologist V. Sinelnikov "Love your illness" describes in detail what negative emotions are and where they come from. Every negative emotion has its own subgoal, a positive intention.

For example, for the emotion of anger, such an intention would be the desire to change the world in better side. It is important to realize why, for what purpose this emotion arises, and learn to achieve the same goal in a more positive way. By the way, in the same book you can find information about what chronic diseases may lead to one or the other negative emotion, worry if you don’t work with her on time.

Without learning to understand ourselves and the nature of our feelings, we will never be able to understand the motivation for the actions of the people around us: work colleagues, friends and those dear to us.

Self-discipline

Have you ever communicated with a person who has a stony and impenetrable face? How does it feel? Perhaps, we are equally uncomfortable both in the company of an interlocutor who is not at all emotional, or too emotional, when emotions reach the level of falsehood and lies.

The necessary level of emotions - a polite smile, friendly intonations in the voice - must be present during official communication. Well, in a close friendly circle, live emotions - joy, surprise, interest - are part of the exchange of information with each other.

The ability to control one’s facial expressions, intonation, and gestures is the privilege of people with well-developed emotional intelligence. People who are good at this skill are respected in any team and become role models.

Understanding others

Everything is clear here. If you want to understand others, know how to listen and understand. Show attention to your interlocutor. Be able to guess the train of thoughts by the smallest movements of facial expressions and intonation.

But that is not all. Nonverbal methods of communication carry a significant amount of information about whether a person is telling the truth or lying, whether he experiences hostility and distrust during a conversation.

Goleman introduces the concept of empathy - conscious attention to the behavior of the interlocutor. Thanks to developed empathy, a leader can:

• Maintain authority in the eyes of others;
• Achieve trust and favor;
• Always know what employees are thinking, be able to get people talking in a timely manner and find out additional information;
• Remove obviously dangerous people from your environment.

Interaction with others

Mastering all the previous steps - recognizing one's own and others' feelings, mastering methods of self-control - allows one to exert influence on others.

Emotionally developed people always become leaders. They know how to rally a team around them, inspire them with an idea, and resolve conflicts that arise. Even in an ordinary company of friends, you can always notice such people. They are usually the center of attention: they tell jokes, evaluate others, their voice always stands out from the crowd.

A leader's job is to lead. It is important to choose and put into practice the right policy for interacting with others. Goleman discusses six basic management models.

Four resonant (constructive):

• Democratic;
• Educational;
• Idealistic;
• Friendly.

And two dissonant (destructive):

• Authoritarian;
• Ambitious.

In general, ways of interacting with others, ways of resolving conflicts and methods of communicating with unpleasant people Many books by domestic authors are devoted to this topic. For example, I like books by psychologist N. Kozlov With detailed analysis every life situation. In particular, you can read his “Book for those who like to live” - it’s about how to show emotional intelligence in Everyday life and personal relationships and the book “17 Moments of Success: Leadership Strategies” - for those whose work is related to the field of management.

Take the test

At the moment, the problem of emotional intelligence is mainly dealt with by Western psychologists, and therefore tests to determine the level of EQ (there are more than forty of them) are mostly English-language. Among the Russian versions, we can offer the MSCEIT 2.0 test, edited by E. Sergienko and I. Vetrova, the most accurate and objective Russian-language test. You can go through it yourself Here.

Work on yourself

Perhaps you are waiting for me to give you a list of exercises that, if you do them at home, will immediately put you on the pedestal of emotional intelligence? There are no such exercises.

The fact is that the development of emotional intelligence is a long-term process of constant work on oneself, self-improvement and increased discipline.

1. Read books, study video courses on practical psychology, positive thinking, self-analysis. You can learn something from Eastern philosophy. You can read the book by the same V. Sinelnikov “Vaccination against stress. How to become the master of your life", containing a range of tips for mastering empathy and communicating effectively.
2. Play sports. Active movements perform the function of dynamic meditation. When performing exercises, attention switches to correct work muscles, while the brain is completely freed. It often happens that the solution to the most difficult issues comes on its own during or after training.
3. . Planning forces the brain to constantly work, get rid of internal complexes, barriers and fears.
4. Study the typology of personalities, body language, the art of rhetoric - everything that helps you communicate effectively. Learn to listen to who you are talking to.
5. Try to analyze your emotions. When faced with another problem, put a piece of paper and a pen in front of you. Divide the sheet in half. On the left side write those solutions to the problem that your emotions tell you, on the right side write what your mind says. Even before you finish writing, the right decision will come.

Afterword

That's all for today. When developing emotional intelligence, do not forget to devote time to logic. The service will help you with this Brainapps, which provides a set of simple and very effective exercise equipment that is accessible to children and interesting to adults.

I hope that the article was useful to you. Write comments, leave reviews. Subscribe to blog news.

Goodbye. Yours, Yuri Okunev.

As practice shows, people who demonstrate an average or even below average level of intelligence often achieve much greater heights in life than recognized “smart people.”

This is due, first of all, to the fact that to achieve success, not only intelligence is important, but also qualities such as the ability to communicate and cope with life's difficulties, without losing optimism and presence of mind, the ability to understand yourself and your desires, rejoice in it, and without regret part with what prevents you from moving on.

All this is not directly related to the intellectual sphere, but rather lies in the area of ​​feelings and emotions. The combination of these qualities and abilities is called emotional intelligence. Modern science defines it as the ability to recognize one’s emotions and be able to manage them.

How to develop emotional intelligence

Like any quality given to a person by nature, emotional intelligence can and should be developed. Of course, the “initial data” is different for all people: they depend on heredity, upbringing and style family relations. Also important life experience each individual: if from childhood a person has to overcome difficulties and make decisions, then he turns out to be more capable of managing his emotional impulses.

But it is possible to develop your emotional intelligence by consciously approaching this process.

1. First you need to admit that your level of emotional intelligence is not high enough. Tell yourself that sometimes your emotions let you down, and because of this, problems arise in relationships, with health, in a word, it interferes with living and enjoying life. This means it’s time to deal with your emotions.


2. The next step is to explore your emotionality. Try to write down for some time which events caused an emotional response in you and which one. Gradually you will learn to recognize the connection between your emotions and life situations, see your weak and strong points.


3. Develop your powers of observation and intuition. Master the skill of “active listening”: react to the interlocutor’s speech, clarify - this will help you understand people. Master the skills of reading other people's states by facial expressions, posture, and gestures - this is a fun and useful activity.


4. Be aware of your emotions. Every time you experience a particular feeling, analyze what exactly you feel and for what reason. Learn to consciously evoke emotions - with practice, you will realize that this is quite easy to do.


5. Whenever you experience dissatisfaction and other negative feelings, begin to mentally look for the advantages in the current situation, give compelling reasons positive influence this event in your life. For each failure, come up with 10 reasons why something didn’t work out for you. This way you will learn not to let negative feelings get the better of you.

Today everyone already knows the role emotional competence in the success of any business, any person. Relationships in the family and at work, setting true goals, motivation to action, quality of life directly depend on emotional competence and this is just the first thing that comes to mind.

We all want to enjoy life, work, communication with people close and not so close, and we all face difficulties from time to time, even crises, and the quality of our life and our personal and professional life depend on how we cope with them. height. Often our behavior consists of a small set of behaviors, patterns that are triggered by our emotions and it happens so quickly that we don't even notice it.

For example, there are people who plan their day in great detail, but if someone or something violates their plans, they become very irritated and even angry, and take it out on others. And only after a while they ask themselves the question: Why is this so?

To understand where this behavior comes from, it is important to ask yourself the question: “Why do I need plans, to get more done, to move towards my goals, or is there something else that I don’t notice? What did I feel right before I got angry? Most often, this behavior is demonstrated by people whose leading need is safety; a plan for the day gives us an understanding of what will happen in the next moment and, accordingly, be prepared for it.

Thus, they satisfy the need for security, but when they do not have such an understanding, anxiety arises (low intensity of fear), and the greater the unknown, the less the need for security is satisfied, the higher the intensity of fear. This stressful state takes up a lot of energy, which we so lack to achieve our true goals.

Want to know what your leading need is? Where does your energy go?

If yes, then there is only one way out! Learn to be aware of your emotions, understand what triggers them, and therefore the usual ways of satisfying them.

Emotion is not a reason to go to great lengths, it is information, maybe even the most valuable information in our lives. Each person has leading psychological needs, the degree of satisfaction of which determines our happiness, and emotions are a compass that tells us how much we are approaching or moving away from satisfying our leading needs.

It's not easy, we don't know what we want, what makes us happy, our parents didn't teach us to feel, and their parents didn't teach them. We have only reached the iron-clad conviction that feelings are disturbing, there is a lot of pain in them and it is impossible to control them.

As a result, we are lost. Today, many are looking for themselves, and you can only find yourself with the help of feelings. Start feeling!

But this is not all, but only the first step of development emotional intelligence. And there are 4 of them in total:

1. Understanding yourself
2. Managing yourself
3. Understanding others
4. Managing others

These are 4 EQ competencies that are developed only sequentially one after another. Since it is impossible to control what you do not understand, just as it is impossible to understand another without understanding yourself, just as it is impossible to understand another without knowing how to control yourself, since in captivity of our states our view of another person is distorted.

Well, managing other people’s fortunes is highest degree actual development emotional intelligence.

It so happens that EQ is often associated with the ability to influence people. In fact, his role is broader. Developed emotional intelligence is a useful “background” skill that improves life in almost all areas. Investing in working with own emotions, we care about our well-being and success.

What is emotional intelligence

Sales specialists joke: “Ordinary intelligence will help solve a problem. Emotional - will help convince others to solve it for you.” In a broad sense, intelligence can be described as our competence at something. If we operate well and freely with abstract quantities, think with formulas and algorithms, our mathematical intelligence is well developed. Emotional intelligence is also competence, but in the area of ​​feelings and their expression.

In the 20th century, psychologist Richard Lazarus came to the conclusion that emotions are involved in the process of learning and evaluating everything that happens to us.

The raw data from the senses that we receive “at the input” is processed by the brain into sensations, and then evaluates what they should mean. John Mayer and Peter Salovey later described this system as “emotional intelligence.”

If our internal “logistics” are clearly organized, at the end we get an adequate picture of the world and our own reactions.

If not, we get confused in our feelings and desires, attribute fictitious intentions to others and behave inconsistently. Not the most pleasant situation, right?

Why is high EQ important?

Imagine that you work in a small company. The number of clients is still small, but business is going well, and management decides to expand. New divisions are opened, deals are struck with major partners, and all processes are organized as before. Problems begin.

The same thing happens to a person when he tries to take on more responsibility, but does not work with emotions. Constant communication is exhausting, stress and unanswered questions keep you up at night, conflicts constantly break out at home and at work.

The flow of tasks has become more intense, the experiences associated with them have intensified, but they are processed in the same way.

“A person who has high emotional intelligence knows how to regulate his state - let go of emotions that take energy, and retain those that give energy,” explains Elena Mechetina, psychologist, coach and founder of the center for the development of emotional intelligence in children “D-A.” “. - This does not mean that he avoids conflicts and tense situations. But he quickly returns to a state of balance and does not give in to provocations.”

“Exhibiting emotional intelligence means focusing not on the reason, but on the goal,” adds business coach Elena Sidorenko. - Emotional intelligence is aimed at the future - as, by the way, is rational intelligence. Do you want to change distrust or hostility toward you to curiosity? This means that you should do not what your emotions tell you, but what will lead to the desired result.”

Is it possible to develop EQ?

In a certain sense, the level of intelligence is a given, determined from birth. This reality is layered with upbringing, life and professional experience, and one-sided knowledge about the world. Is it possible to change the emotional “firmware” that dictates certain reactions to us at a conscious age?

What is important here is the belief that we can change. Psychologist Carol Dweck and her followers argue that our results are influenced by the initial setting - stability or growth. If we believe that we can change (and in any case we change measurably under the influence of new experiences), then we actually change.

“The style of emotions, like the style of thinking, is largely a matter of habit,” says Elena Mechetina. - The main beauty of our body is that it can adapt to the loads that we give it. If you can’t do the splits now, you’ll be able to do it after six months of training. It's the same with emotional reactions. It’s hard to believe in change because we’re not used to working with ourselves purposefully.”

Exercises to develop EQ

1. Reconsider your beliefs

Let's remember Lazarus and his colleagues: feelings are formed after we have assessed the event. This can happen at lightning speed because there is a habit of thinking and feeling in a certain way. And it is formed by beliefs.

Beliefs that are misunderstood, out of touch with reality, or outdated can become an emotional trap.

“I had a client, a doctor, who spent a long time building up her contact base,” recalls Elena Mechetina. “Her professionalism also took a long time to develop. The problem was that patients called her constantly, even at night, and she could not refuse: “I took the Hippocratic oath!” But does it say that a doctor should help patients at the cost of his personal life? This belief helped her at first, but then - in the new conditions - it became a hindrance and a source of suffering.”

An important part of working with emotional intelligence can be psychotherapy, where a specialist teaches us to be aware of our beliefs, understand the reasons for their appearance and their relevance to our lives. And - if necessary - reconsider these beliefs and abandon them.

2. Keep an emotional journal

Research by psychologist James Pennebaker has shown that those who have mastered the habit of regularly writing down their feelings find a solution to a complex issue faster and easier.

Here is one of the options on how you can do this. Step 1: Set a timer for 20-30 minutes. Step 2. Describe what you are feeling at the moment or what you have been experiencing during last week(month, year).

Write whatever comes to mind, regardless of style, mistakes and other imperfections. Leave the entry or delete it - it's not that important.

The process of writing itself will teach you to systematize emotional thinking, “unstick” feelings that have stuck together in a lump and more accurately find their causes.

3. Practice expressing emotions

Who is the most masterful in controlling their emotions? Theater actors! Of course, this statement is not uncontroversial, but think about it: demonstrating a deep range of experiences for these people is work. An actor's skill has a lot to do with the ability to allow a certain emotion into oneself and release it without being imbued with it.

Elena Mechetina advises everyone who wants to develop their emotional intelligence to read Konstantin Stanislavsky’s book “The Actor’s Work on Oneself.” A writer or journalist masters the word as an instrument, and in the same way an actor masters emotion. And developed emotional intelligence presupposes the ability to control emotion, and not give in to it.

4. Expand your emotional vocabulary

Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School and author of Emotional Flexibility, advises not only listening to yourself, but also expanding your emotional vocabulary: learning the nuances of emotions, naming them, and finding a range of applications for each.

Language has amazing magic - it sets emotions a certain development scenario, and it obeys it.

When did you pick up appropriate name for a feeling, try to find at least two more words to describe its shade. What is experienced as sadness can be disappointment, depression, emptiness or regret. By unwinding these threads woven into the general fabric, you will reach the reasons and foundations of your reactions.

5. Remember the goal

According to Elena Sidorenko, the ability to manage one’s feelings is associated with such a quality as self-denial. If we are ready to give in to an impulse of anger or irritation, then we allow these emotions to control us. We follow the lead of those who caused these emotions, without thinking about our own interests.

While within a situation, develop an inner observer who matches intuitive reactions with goals. For example, if someone engages you in a conflict, think, “What are this person’s goals? What are my goals? Which emotional response will best align with my goals?” This is a challenging exercise because it requires good mindfulness practice and the ability to shift quickly. But over time you can master it too.

Modern culture is focused on productivity. For many active people this results not only in constant nervous tension, but also the desire to rationalize everything and everyone to the detriment of one’s emotions. But it’s comfortable emotional condition allows you to achieve great success and helps us move on, and rational decisions do not always coincide with what we want “deep down in our souls.” The concept of emotional intelligence can come to the rescue, which will help you better understand yourself and your impulses. We explain what it is and why it is needed.

MASHA VORSLAV

How are feelings and emotions different?

Both feelings and emotions influence our psychological condition, but they differ significantly. A feeling is a conscious emotional experience (a flash of anger, for example). Emotions arise against a person’s will, give rise to specific feelings and are often too complex to be aware of them. At the same time, they can and should be analyzed in order to be able to separate yourself from your negative experience or mood and maintain a pleasant emotional background. True, the sensual side of life can be so confusing that it can take a lot of time to realize a voluminous emotion: sometimes recognizing falling in love with best friend the spectrum of constantly flaring up positive and negative feelings is only revealed after years and with the help of a therapist.

The matter is complicated by the fact that there is still no single list of emotions. In 1972, psychologist Paul Ekman compiled a list of six basic emotions, including anger, disgust, surprise, happiness, sadness, and fear. Ekman later added embarrassment, infatuation, contempt, shame, pride, satisfaction and excitement. Robert Plutchik proposed another classification of emotions, the so-called wheel. In his opinion, there are 8 main emotional spaces that can intersect and give rise to new emotions. For example, faded amazement and horror can give rise to awe, and frustration and boredom can result in contempt.

Where did the concept come from?
emotional intelligence?

The concept of emotional intelligence is relatively new; previously such a phrase was perceived as an oxymoron. People first started talking about it seriously in 1990 after an article of the same name by Peter Salovey and John Mayer for the magazine Imagination, Cognition, and Personality. They defined it as the ability to recognize one’s own and others’ emotions and feelings, distinguish between them and use this information for further reflection and action. Salovey and Mayer noted that they consider emotional intelligence to be a subsystem of the already known social intelligence, which allows one to “understand and manage people.”

Then the writer, psychologist and dear uncle author of “The Beauty Myth” Naomi Wolf Daniel Goleman: it was after his best-selling book that a wide range of readers learned about emotional intelligence. Goleman managed to find the right intonation to talk to a huge audience and captivate them with a difficult topic. True, the writer not only chewed on the works of his predecessors, but also offered his own interpretation: in his opinion, emotional intelligence consists not of four areas, as Salovey and Mayer proposed, but of five.

What does it consist of?

In the classical model, emotional intelligence has four components. Self-awareness - the ability to recognize one's emotions and feelings; self-control - the ability to manage them; social awareness allows us to understand the emotional processes occurring in society; relationship management, affecting both interpersonal and group relationships. Goleman agrees with the first two positions, but combines and breaks down the rest in his own way: in addition to self-awareness and self-control, his model includes intrinsic motivation, empathy and social skills. In general, Goleman’s classification looks simplified, but it is extremely practical and does not cause rejection even among those who are encountering the topic for the first time.

Is it true that emotional
Is intelligence more important than IQ?

In recent decades, intelligence has been assessed solely on the basis of IQ. Those who were “lucky” to get a high score were predicted to have a great future, while those with a low score were given new ways to improve their intellectual abilities. Microsoft, for example, used to select candidates based on how quickly they could solve logic problems.

Harvard professor Howard Gardner spoke about the fact that in addition to intelligence there are other equally important components of the mind (in English literature - intelligences). He argues that intelligence should not be assessed by IQ or any other single indicator, but by seven. This is a penchant for linguistics, logical-mathematical thinking (something that is so valued in schools to the detriment of everything else) and understanding of one’s own body, musical abilities, spatial thinking and, finally, the ability to get along well with other people and oneself. Later Gardner added to them the “mind of a naturalist” (Neville Longbottom, hello) and also admitted that competencies in existential and moral issues can also be useful categories when analyzing personality.

So the statement in the title of Goleman’s acclaimed book that emotional intelligence may be more important than IQ, although true (for some people in some circumstances), is more marketing ploy: Emotions, unlike intelligence, are still a fresh topic on which to speculate effectively.

Why develop emotional intelligence?

Surely you have heard more than once about how easy it is for someone to move up career ladder. Or how well someone manages to communicate with their own children. The heroes of these situations almost certainly have highly developed emotional intelligence, which allows them not only to understand their goals more clearly (and therefore achieve them faster), but also to successfully build communication with people at different levels - at some point in development this becomes a necessary step in any area.

If productivity doesn’t seem so attractive to you, think about the calmness with which you can perceive your own and others’ actions and emotions that are not the most commendable - developed emotional intelligence allows you to do this. No one is in danger of becoming an insensitive blockhead - on the contrary, without unnecessary reflections, time is freed up to enjoy the pleasant manifestations of life and minimize the unpleasant ones (and draw all the necessary conclusions from them). Please note that working independently with your emotions does not replace medical care, so if you suspect you have an urgent or serious psychological problems, you shouldn’t solve them yourself.

How to do it?

Those who are curious can first take an emotional intelligence test. At the end of this questionnaire, for example, they will give a very mild assessment of your emotional skills, which can be taken as a starting point. In addition, tests of this kind help to recognize yourself in the proposed situations (“being in a group of friends, can you always understand how each of them feels?”) and independently analyze your abilities. In general, there are many assessment systems (SASQ, MSCEIT, ECI, for example), but in order to delve into them, you either really need a lot of free time or the help of a specialist.

In any case, it will be useful to read the articles of Mayer and Salovey and the works of Goleman. The first two will provide an academic perspective useful for general development, and Goleman's books can be consulted for more pressing information. He gives enough to get acquainted with the topic, and makes the reader perform simple but revealing exercises like leading. If you don’t have time for articles and books, you can use proven methods for self-development; there is an example of a good one. It is important to remember that the development of emotional intelligence, like any other restructuring, requires time and dedication, so do not worry if within a month your personal life does not improve or you do not fly up the career ladder (but probably even within this short term small changes in relationships with people and yourself will be noticeable).