Passive-aggressive behavior (or passive aggression) is a behavior in which manifestations of anger are suppressed. Passive resistance is expressed to the negative remarks of the opponent, in which, meanwhile, it turns out to achieve the goals set by the person using this behavior.
The main feature of the passive aggressor is the suppression of anger. There is a lot of resentment, anger, aggression in him, but he does not know how and is afraid to express negative emotions. Such people never say directly what they want, what they do not want, what does not suit them and what they are not happy with. Instead, they subtly avoid the conflict, torment you with omissions, wait for you to guess what they are offended by. For the time being, such a character may seem like a good partner: he doesn’t swear, he doesn’t yell, he agrees with you in everything - yes, a find in general! But the secret always becomes clear, and the relationship turns into a nightmare. However, a passive-aggressive relative (especially an older one), colleague or girlfriend is also a gift. But why are we all about others - maybe some of these points are about you?
1. They don't say no.
Directly, in person, to say that he does not like something, that he does not want and will not do it, oh no, such a passive aggressor will never dare. He nods his head, agrees with everything, but does not. He “forgets” about the deadline, “doesn’t have time” to reserve a table in a restaurant that he really didn’t want to go to, or even break his leg on the way - just not to go to the theater with you.
2. They sabotage
If at work a passive aggressor is given a task that he does not like or in which he feels incompetent, he does not admit it directly, but sabotages and pulls to the last. Instead of honestly saying: “I have problems with this project, I need help,” they indulge in procrastination and demonstrate maximum inefficiency with all their might - in the hope that everything will somehow be solved by itself and the task will be transferred to someone else.
3. They avoid direct confrontation
Even when feeling wounded to the core, the passive aggressor will not say it directly, but will send confused messages that should show you how soulless and cruel you are. If such a person is your loved one, then you constantly hear from him something like: “Of course, of course, do as you see fit, why should you worry about how I feel ...”
4. They suppress anger
In their picture of the world, any disagreement, discontent, anger or resentment is better to sweep under the carpet, and not to take it out. More than anything, these people are afraid of open conflict. This often happens with those who were scolded from childhood for any manifestation of feelings, as well as with those who grew up in a very emotionally unstable family, where mother and father constantly cursed, and even attacked each other with fists. Such a child grows up with the feeling that anger is a terrible uncontrollable force, that it is ugly and unbearably shameful, so emotions must be restrained and suppressed. It seems to him that if he gives at least a little freedom to negative experiences, a monster will break out - all the anger and hatred that he has been accumulating for years will pour out and burn all life around him.
5. They won't admit how they really feel.
It is clear that, believing in such a terrible power of negative emotions, the passive aggressor does not want to show them - it is better to hide them than to destroy them. a good relationship(or how to seem evil). In a pair, the passive aggressor will never tell the first one that something is wrong. If you ask him what happened and why he is unhappy, he replies: “Nothing”, “It's all right”, “I'm fine”. But his voice from a kilometer away demonstrates that everything is not at all in order and not excellent. You are trying to figure it out, to talk heart to heart, - it was not there: it was deaf, like in a tank.
6. They play silent
Angry, such a partner does not explode, but closes and goes into all-round defense. A passive aggressor can be silent for hours, days, weeks. Does not answer your questions, refuses dialogue. This is such a way of punishment: this is how you will understand that you did something wrong, offended him with something. What exactly? Where did you make a fatal mistake? What was your irreparable fault? Look what you want - so everyone can! Oh no, in this club of sophisticated tortures they won’t tell or explain anything to you - guess for yourself. Suffer, think, remember every word. Punished? What, would you rather be beaten? No, don't wait!
7. They provoke you to anger.
And the avoidance of open adult dialogue, and the game of silence, and the beloved “Do as you know, you still don’t give a damn ...” - all this sooner or later brings you to white heat, and you start yelling. Yep, got it! The passive-aggressive interlocutor wanted exactly this from you (most likely unconsciously - at least something in his defense). He himself is afraid to express anger, so he transfers this honorable function to you: now he can justifiably consider you bad, angry, unrestrained ... Actually, he thought so. Of course, he didn't expect anything else from you. Of course, he hoped that you were not like everyone else, but how could he, naive, dream of such a miracle ... In general, provoking you into a fit of hellish rage, he will go through your self-esteem on full program, and for himself he will receive another confirmation: anger is a terrible uncontrollable element, it must be restrained by all means, and building relationships with people openly and sincerely is impossible, dangerous.
8. They manipulate
Passive aggressors are constantly pushing their two favorite buttons: pity and guilt. Saying directly what they want is about as unrealistic for them as saying no. And if they need something, they go in complex detours. Instead of simply asking you to help carry a heavy box, such a relative or neighbor will remember all his medical diagnoses, will utter heavy groans and whine that the last time under such circumstances he had a hernia, a heart attack and hemorrhoids.
9. They do mean things behind their backs.
They try very hard to show themselves as sweet, kind and want people to like them. But unexpressed anger, anger and envy do not disappear, but accumulate inside. When they envy someone's success or feel unfairly circumvented, instead of direct confrontation, they choose secret methods of revenge - spread a nasty rumor about someone, send an anonymous denunciation to their boss. Yes, these harmless dandelions can ruin your reputation.
10. They pass the buck
As you can see, passive aggression is a very infantile, immature behavior. A passive aggressor does not feel like the master of his own destiny, he constantly blames life, circumstances, other people for everything. Suddenly you find yourself to blame for all the misfortunes of your loved one. Everything is considered: you were not attentive enough and did not show sympathy, did not guess why he was offended, gave him bad advice, because of which everything went wrong, and simply that he connected his life with you (or that you were born to him, if suddenly it is one of your parents) ruined this life completely.
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Somewhere in the locker room of a fitness club, you can easily hear: “You see, I was unlucky, he turned out to be a passive aggressor ...” This expression is often used without having an accurate idea of \u200b\u200bwhat is hidden behind it. The term itself was coined during World War II by an American military psychiatrist, Colonel William Menninger. He noticed that some soldiers refuse to obey orders: not openly rebelling against them, they play for time, grumble, act inefficiently, that is, engage in passive sabotage.
Subsequently, passive-aggressive personality disorders were included in the famous DSM, Diagnostic and Statistical Handbook mental disorders compiled by the influential American Psychiatric Association. And then they were removed from it in 1994, when the fourth edition was published: their clinical description seemed to the compilers not clear enough.
In our era of narcissism, the number of addictions, depression, passive-aggressive disorders has increased
Although the term was deleted from the psychiatric classification, it did not disappear, but gradually found its way into everyday speech. Many experts also continue to use it and even believe that there are more and more personalities of this type. "In Freud's time, sexual repression contributed to the emergence of hysteria or obsessions, - elaborates psychoanalyst Marie-José Lacroix (Marie-José Lacroix). “In this age of narcissism and uncertainty about the future, we are seeing an increase in addictions, depression, and borderline and passive-aggressive disorders.”
Resistance in disguise
This is not to say that passive-aggressive behavior is characteristic of any one type of personality. We all tend to behave this way at some point in our lives, point out psychologists Christophe André and François Lelord 1 . For example, in adolescence or when falling into adverse circumstances. We can “slow down” and “stupid” when we do not agree with others, but for fear of punishment we do not dare to openly show disobedience. This behavior disappears when we find other ways to protect ourselves and survive.
But there are those among us for whom disguised insubordination becomes the only way to communicate.“It is difficult for them to confront openly, since open aggression, self-defense, does not fit into the image of the “right” person, as they think of themselves,” says psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin. – Therefore, they resort to sabotage in all areas - in love, social life, at work, with friends… It makes communication with them very unpleasant.” “Their passivity when faced with life's difficulties greatly complicates the relationship,” confirms Marie-Jose Lacroix. Added to the inertia is the repressed anger that others feel and which eventually becomes unbearable.
We all tend to be passive-aggressive at some point in our lives.
“When Maria came to work, we were delighted. She seemed soft, warm, modest, always ready to help. Her duties included scheduling meetings, distributing mail, making appointments. Everything went well at first. In a face-to-face conversation, Maria answered "yes" to all instructions. But as soon as the interlocutor turned his back on her, she rolled her eyes eloquently. When they asked her for anything, she acted deliberately slowly, complained for any reason, scolded all our leaders. I tried to listen to her and reassure her - in vain. Eventually she was fired.
She went to court, tried to impersonate the victim asked several employees to write false testimonies. We all refused. Her departure was terrible. She shed tears, letting us know that we are all scoundrels. She confided in me and explained that she was cursed, that her whole life was "corrupted" bad people"and that no one ever protects her from the injustices of which she is the victim all the time." Lyudmila, an accountant at an event management company, feels vaguely guilty as she relates this story, but she concludes: “Though it's terrible to say, I was relieved when Maria left. I had the impression when communicating with her that I can say and do anything, but it won’t change anything.”
Is it possible to defend?
Psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin explains how not to become a victim of a passive-aggressive personality.
At work
What to do: A passive-aggressive boss can only be tolerated if you don't need any encouragement at all. If the tasks are not set clearly enough and if, no matter what you do, you are always dissatisfied with it, then best solution will leave: at least a minimum of recognition is necessary for everyone. If this is just an employee, then you need to focus on yourself, not let him pollute your space with his dissatisfaction.
What not to do: Don't let yourself be drawn into the triangle. Don't try to save him or attack him when he complains. Do not act like a victim because he is always unhappy and never gives positive feedback. It won't help you and you run the risk of falling into a vicious circle.
In private life
What to do: Calm him down. The passive aggressor suffers from self-doubt. Ask his opinion so that he does not feel that he is a victim of your authoritarianism. Encourage him to freely express himself so that he does not indulge dark thoughts in your corner.
What not to do: Don't let someone who thinks they have the right to throw their anger and frustration in the face of others make you a victim. Don't pretend not to notice: his anger will be multiplied tenfold. Do not scold him, as a parent would do - that is what serves " trigger for his behavior. Demand respect in yourself.
Chronic dissatisfaction
Passive-aggressive personalities are always unhappy, because they can't define their desires. “Due to the lack of adequate protection, it is difficult for them to understand their true needs,” explains Grigory Gorshunin. - Their chronic sabotage of work, and often of their own lives, resembles the reaction of an offended child who refuses to talk, or self-punishment according to the principle "revenge on the conductor: bought a ticket, went on foot."
Passive aggression can be seen as a kind of psychological masochism, often with a hysterical tinge. Then it is replaced by violent sadistic acting out (“you yourself are all bad”) or bodily reactions, going into illness.”
When dealing with passive-aggressive people, you should not get personal and try to make them feel guilty
Don't get personal when dealing with passive-aggressive people. and try to make them feel guilty, because they will turn any words against the "offender". Anyone who is nearby will have to avoid the trap they set at all costs. “This trap is the victim-persecutor-rescue triangle described by psychologist Stephen Karpman,” warns Grigory Gorshunin. - If in a relationship someone takes on one of these three roles, the other in most cases begins to play one of the remaining two. Our task is to realize this so as not to enter into a game where there are no winners.”
Martyrdom and torment
Passive aggressors like to be seen as martyrs and they consider themselves as such. “They fail to take responsibility for what happens to them, for their failures,” explains Marie-Jose Lacroix. “And in their lives, scenarios of rather severe masochistic failures often follow each other.”
At the same time, they easily turn into persecutors, harassing others, complaining, turning unspoken reproaches to them. They can take pleasure in the suffering they inflict. Their seeming passivity and inertia, complete self-centeredness hide aggression, which sometimes breaks out in an uncontrolled way. This happens when they find themselves in a situation that they perceive as stressful, although it may seem completely ordinary to others. Then they turn to infantile behavior and can suddenly start shouting at others for no reason, not paying attention to the destruction that is being sown around.
They are deprived of a "mental container" that would help them regulate their behavior.
« Passive Aggression often becomes result of upbringing, when a child is taught to depend on a figure who enjoys unquestioned authority and power, explains Marie-Jose Lacroix. “Some form of masochism could have arisen when a child failed to show his needs, to show independence, to discover who he (or she) is, because he was opposed by a suppressive perfectionist parent ...”
Passive-aggressive individuals lack, according to the psychoanalyst, a "mental container". It is built with early childhood with the words of a mother. For example, when a child cries, thinking that he is dying of hunger, the mother speaks to him and soothes him. She helps him endure his destructive impulses and anxiety associated with the fear of death, and allows him to build himself, to restrain emotions that are unbearable for him. “She gives the child a kind of shell that protects him from external environment, potentially aggressive and alarming.
Typically, such a container allows us to regulate our behavior. But some don't. They have this shell as if broken through, ”continues the psychoanalyst. This is what happens to passive aggressors: deep down they silently scream: “I want to be heard, I want to live without suppressing my anger!” This thirst remains unquenched because they fail to hear the voice of their soul.
1 In How to Deal with Difficult People (Generation, 2007).
Second World War, like any other, brought not only sacrifices and destruction, but also useful discoveries. Military doctors often encountered unusual disorders associated with both post-traumatic stress syndrome and less severe stressful situations. The term "passive aggression" was first used by the American physician William Menninger, describing cases of indirect expression of anger. The soldiers observed by Menninger did not openly express anger, but showed it in resentment, stubbornness, refusal to follow orders, inefficient service in general. At first, the researcher considered this behavior immature, caused by the stress of military action. But then it became clear that the soldiers' reactions could be symptoms of a personality disorder. The new diagnosis was reflected in the first Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). True, over time it has moved from the category of major personality disorders to the group of "disorders requiring further study."
Versions about the origin of passive aggression, scientists expressed even before Menninger, using other terms. In the works of Sigmund Freud, one can find descriptions of cases of indirect expression of anger associated with the need to restrain affects that are undesirable for oneself and others. German psychiatrist Frederick Perls, who radically revised the ideas classical psychoanalysis, considered passive aggression the scourge of modern civilization, manifested in laziness, and in unhealthy eating behavior, and in the invention of deadly weapons. American psychologist Eric Berne associated passive aggression with childhood patterns of behavior that persist in an adult instead of the appearance of mature, deliberate reactions. But all researchers agreed on one thing: the roots of passive aggression must be sought in childhood.
From childhood to adulthood: behaving well
Some parents calmly react to the aggressive behavior of the child, realizing that, due to age, he is not able to realize the damage that he can cause to his peers and parents. Other mothers and fathers from early childhood require the baby to be a good boy, not to offend anyone and suppress bouts of anger. With such requirements, they cause double harm to the child: firstly, they teach him to constantly suppress the aggression in himself, which is necessary to overcome difficulties and protect himself, and secondly, he is instilled with wrong behavior patterns that may be to the liking of parents, but subsequently bring to a person many problems. Let's say a child doesn't like the food they are fed for breakfast. He can say: "I hate this nasty porridge!" But instead of persuading a child to eat porridge (for example, with the help of a game), some parents go the simplest way and impose a ban on such reactions. “Good kids don’t say that,” “Don’t argue with parents,” “If you say that, it means you don’t love your mom,” and so on.
In this case, the only way for the child to express his attitude to the situation is to quietly sabotage the process, without bringing the matter to an open conflict: for example, deliberately eating slowly and being distracted. Or the child may begin to misbehave at the table, wanting to “punish” the parents for some offense on another occasion, not daring to openly express their displeasure. Successful application of these methods is gradually fixed, and a person begins to use them for any reason. First of all - against people who are authority for him, by inertia transferring parental figures to them.
From theory to practice: being honest with yourself
Passive-aggressive behavior can be made up of different elements; if you look closely at colleagues and acquaintances, you will recognize many of them. Failure to meet deadlines, postponing necessary actions, protesting against the adequate demands of others, stubbornness, disgust and contempt for superiors, sabotage, sarcasm, avoidance of responsibility are just a small fraction of the techniques that a person who has not learned to express anger in childhood can use. Each of these methods individually does not mean that a person needs to be taken to an appointment with a psychotherapist, but using them together should alert.
Professional psychologists and psychotherapists believe that people who show passive aggression rarely realize the inadequacy of their behavior and have no motivation for treatment. And even agreeing to a psychotherapeutic session, such patients come into confrontation with the doctor. The psychotherapist cannot pander to the patient's reactions, this is contrary to the treatment process, but if he constantly criticizes the manifestations of passive aggression, he may inadvertently induce the person to refuse therapy altogether. People who use passive aggression to solve their problems often throw such problems not only to specialists, but also to relatives.
Typically, psychotherapists use behavioral techniques and social skills training. Since childhood, such patients suffer from a lack of understanding of the rules of behavior, they do not know when one or another communicative technique can be used. The psychotherapist demonstrates patterns of behavior that are adequate to the situation: he expresses his emotions directly (for example, he simply says: “I am angry with you because you are dissatisfied, but you are silent”), uses humor. The therapist also supports the patient's healthy behavior, praises him, compliments his adequate jokes, but not sarcasm.
Recognizing passive aggression and counteracting it is not so difficult - even for a non-specialist. You should be on your guard if your relative, friend or colleague behaves in the following way:
Constantly complaining or arguing.
Performs actions that are contrary to your proposal, which was agreed in advance. For example, you and your spouse agreed to stay at home on Saturday and do general cleaning. On Friday, he/she unexpectedly announces that he/she is going to the cinema tomorrow with friends, and cleaning - some other time.
Neglects news and events in life significant people. For example, you tell to the best friend that you are sent on a dream trip to Madagascar for six months, and he is stuck on the phone or interrupts you with the words: “Let me tell you better how we went on a Warcraft raid yesterday.”
Refuses positive ratings. "Honey, I bought you a car." - “Do you want me to stick around in traffic jams all my life?”
Denies own negative reactions. "Why are you pouting?" - "It just seems this way to you".
I am convinced that only other people are constantly lucky.
The above reactions are components of passive-aggressive behavior. To overcome it, you need to behave carefully and consistently: give up the games that your communication partner imposes on you, do not use his techniques, do not start communication without optimism and positive attitudes. Remain calm and try to explain to yourself the reasons for the behavior of a colleague, relative or friend. Every time you hear sarcasm or a complaint, try to look at the situation through your partner's eyes. Maybe you will feel loneliness and resentment that overwhelms your interlocutor, and it will become easier for you to sympathize with him. If you can't find the reason, just list characteristics his behaviors, accept them, and acknowledge that you won't buy into these reactions this time around. Ask questions, try to find out what your interlocutor is dissatisfied with.
Encourage complaining, but don't wake the sleeping beast: if a person is trying his best to channel his aggression in detours, he may be doing it out of fear that you will not be able to cope with the wave of his anger. Be careful and try to distinguish between irritation, which manifests itself in mobility and quick casual speech, from rage, which can be hidden behind numbness, tense posture and frozen facial expressions. And most importantly - express your own feelings, talk about yourself, show that you are a living person. Open expression of feelings is the very risk that a person who shows passive aggression tries to avoid, not knowing how to show himself true. But once he succeeds in expressing himself for once and seeing that he is understood, he will never again refuse such an experience.
If you catch yourself using passive aggression, try not to lose the feeling of awareness of your own actions. If you want to respond abruptly, stop, exhale and say what you were going to say directly but calmly. Any “it infuriates me that others get everything” can be turned into “I want to be loved, I am ready to open up to people.” Be honest with yourself first. Sincerity is a direct path to open dialogue, constructive aggression and overcoming difficulties.
Photo: Marc Quinn
Icons: 1) Herbert Spencer, 2) Alexander, 3) Gilad Fried - from the Noun Project.
It's often difficult to spot passive-aggressive behavior in others because we don't want to listen to our instincts. We prefer to doubt and think positively. This type of behavior is very insidious. He can drive you crazy! Normal people start to doubt themselves and wonder if they are being fair.
What does the term "passive-aggressive" behavior really mean? And why is it so hard to identify it among colleagues and partners? People who exhibit passive-aggressive traits suppress their angry reactions because they are afraid of conflict, and their anger shifts into other, more passive forms.
10 Ways to Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Change Relationships for the Better
For example, instead of starting a fight that could end in a broken relationship, Mary "accidentally" washes her husband's white shirts with her red dress, and they all turn pink.
Or Jeff gets mad at his boss, but instead of confronting him openly, he "forgets" to mail the bills, and as a result, the boss gets a late fee.
Because we are often unaware that we are acting passive-aggressively, we find it difficult to stop this behavior.– even when it does not lead to the desired results.
We behave passive-aggressively when we express anger or hostility not directly, but indirectly.
Passive-aggressive behavior forms a vicious circle:
Anger seethes under the surface, keeping the problems that caused it unresolved, which causes us to express our negative feelings less and less openly.
When our behavior is disapproved, we don't acknowledge our anger or throw a dismissive, "Okay, you're right."
1. Recognize passive-aggressive behavior as quickly as possible.
One of the most insidious consequences of this behavior is that a person who is not passive-aggressive begins to experience strong negative emotions. This leaves him emotionally drained and overwhelmed before he even realizes that he is a victim of the passive-aggressive dynamic in the relationship.
2. Form clear agreements with your partner.
Concrete agreements mean that everyone knows what is expected of him.
3. Notice your own anger.
Often, people with passive-aggressive behavior want their partner to get angry, yell and yell back, so that they can "flip the needle" to another source of the problem. Or they may avoid expressing their own anger and annoyance because they don't want to stir up conflict.
Do your best to express your anger and break the cycle. It takes two to play. If you refuse to play, you will have to change something.
4. Be assertive (confident), not aggressive and formulate your thoughts as clearly as possible.
Stick to the facts and express your opinion clearly. Let your partner be clear about the consequences of their behavior.
5. Be clear and transparent about your requests and expectations and make sure you reach clear agreements.
If you are asking someone to do something, make sure you have a clear time frame. If there is a specific way you want something done, make sure the other person knows about it.
Make sure there is clarity about the consequences of what will happen if the result is not as expected.
6. Set your boundaries and make them clear.
This will keep you from the temptation to take charge just because you can't wait any longer, thus engaging in yet another endless round of passive-aggressive confrontation.
7. Take responsibility for what is within your control and reject the rest.
Take responsibility for the mistakes that are your fault. Apologize and change your behavior. Apologizing is only worth something if you don't keep doing the exact same thing.
Resist pressure to take responsibility for everything– thus you are responsible for correcting it.
8. Don't take forgetfulness as an excuse.
Be clear about the things that matter to you, and clarify them so that your partner understands it.
9. If you are a passive-aggressive person, work on becoming aware of your own anger and expressing it directly.
Saying yes to your partner and then doing the opposite is bad policy.
10. Agree that both of you are responsible for common activities, household chores, conversations, and sex in the relationship.
Take the time to discuss these arrangements in as much detail and specificity as possible.
It will probably be difficult for you. But remember, passive-aggressive behavior is often an unconscious choice.
People who react in this way are usually unaware of their resentment and anger. They often say things like, “I'm just forgetful,” “I didn't do it on purpose,” or “I'm always late. It's my character trait."
They are unaware of the impact their behavior has on others and may be hypersensitive to criticism.published .
By Lori Beth Bisbey
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet