Passive aggressiveness is an indirect expression of anger in which the person is trying to upset or hurt you in a less obvious way. The difficulty is that it is easy for such a person to deny the presence of bad intentions. People tend to engage in passive-aggressive behavior because they do not know how to handle conflict properly. However, there are ways to help such a person become aware of their own behavior and solve the problem of passive aggression through communication.
Steps
Part 1
How to recognize passive-aggressive behavior- You may be hurt by the fact that you are on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior. For example, a person may organize a silent boycott of you.
- You may be confused by the fact that a person constantly complains but does nothing to correct the situation. Follow your instincts.
- Being around such a person can make you tired or drained as you expend too much energy dealing with the passive-aggressive behavior.
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Always maintain a positive attitude. The power of positive thinking helps you cope with everyday tasks. People with passive-aggressive behavior will try to drag you into a vortex of negativity. Sometimes they try to provoke a negative reaction in order to shift their attention to you in response and appear as if they are not to blame. Don't let this happen.
- Stay positive so you don't stoop to their level. Don't give such people a reason. Don't insult them, don't shout or get angry. By remaining calm, you will be in a better position to shift your attention to their actions rather than your own. Getting angry will only distract attention from the real problems.
- Model positive behavior. When communicating with children and adults, respond to your conflicts so that others know how to interact with you. Passive aggression gives off emotions, hiding them behind a mask of indifference. Instead, be open, honest, and directly express your emotions. When faced with passive-aggressive behavior such as conspicuous silence, direct the conversation in a productive direction.
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Always remain calm. If you are upset, then do not rush to make decisions and first calm down (walk, turn on music and dance, solve a crossword puzzle), and then decide what you want to get from this situation, that is, what reasonable outcome you can reconcile with.
- Control your emotions, especially anger. Don't directly accuse people of being passive aggressive; this will only allow them to deny everything and accuse you of making a big deal, being overly sensitive, or being suspicious.
- Do not lose your temper under any circumstances. Don't let the person know that he or she was able to take you out. This will only reinforce their behavior and it will happen again.
- Refrain from retaliating with anger or other emotionally charged reactions. This way you will take control of the situation and will appear as someone who cannot be pushed around.
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Start a conversation about the problem. As long as you maintain emotional resilience, self-respect and calm, it is best to simply express how you see the situation. For example: “I could be wrong, but I’m guessing you were upset that Dima wasn’t invited to the party. Let's discuss this?
- Be direct and to the point. If you express your thoughts unclearly and speak in general phrases, then a person with passive-aggressive behavior can easily twist what was said. If you are going to confront such a person, it is better to speak out directly.
- The danger of confrontation is generated by the possibility of freely interpreting phrases like “You’re back to your old ways!” This way you won’t get anywhere; it’s better to immediately talk about a specific action. So, if you are annoyed by a silent boycott, then give an example of a specific case when it took place.
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The person must realize that he is upset. You don't have to escalate the situation, but remain firm and say, “You seem really upset right now,” or “It sounds like something is bothering you.”
- A common mistake is being too soft. By giving in to passive-aggressive behavior, you lose control of the situation. This is a kind of power confrontation. It is possible to remain calm and positive, but still remain strong and firm in your decisions.
- Respect established boundaries. Make it clear that you will not tolerate mistreatment. If a person is constantly late and makes you nervous, then tell him that the next time he is late, you will simply go to the cinema without him. This is one way of saying that you are not going to pay for someone else's behavior.
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Find and address the root of the problem. The best way to deal with such anger is to evaluate all perspectives as early as possible. To do this, you need to understand the root cause of anger.
- If such a person is not characterized by angry behavior, then talk with mutual friends who may know the reason and recognize the signs of incipient anger in time.
- Dig deeper and fairly evaluate the reasons driving this behavior. Passive aggression is usually a symptom of other problems.
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Learn assertive communication. Communication can be aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive. The productivity of all these types is inferior to assertive communication.
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Understand when it's best to avoid meeting a person completely. If a person regularly engages in passive-aggressive behavior, then it is obviously best to stop communicating with him. Your well-being is more important.
- Find ways to see such a person as little as possible and not be alone. Always be part of a team.
- If such people only carry negative energy, then think twice about whether it’s worth communicating with them at all.
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Don't share information that could be used against you. Avoid sharing personal information, emotions, and thoughts with passive-aggressive people.
- Such people may ask questions that at first glance seem innocent and without malicious intent. You can answer them, but don't go into detail. Be friendly, but keep your answers short and vague.
- Avoid talking about your feelings and weaknesses. Passive-aggressive individuals often remember such details, even those mentioned in passing, and later use them against you.
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Contact a mediator for help. This should be an objective third party representative from HR, a close (but objective) relative, or a mutual friend. The key is to use someone who not only you, but also your passive-aggressive interlocutor trusts.
- Before meeting with the mediator, tell him or her about your concerns. Try to look at the situation from someone else's point of view and understand what gives rise to anger. Avoid being judgmental and try to understand the reasons behind the repulsive behavior in a situation where you are trying to help.
- In a one-on-one conversation, you run the risk of hearing, “Come on, it's just a joke,” or “You're overreacting.” This is why it is better to involve a third party.
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Communicate consequences if the person does not change behavior. Because passive-aggressive individuals are secretive, they almost always resist attempts to change their behavior. Denials, excuses and turning the arrows are just a few of the patterns.
- Regardless of the answer, state what you intend to do. It is important to provide one or two firm consequences to encourage such a person to reconsider his behavior.
- The ability to understand and outline consequences is one of the most effective ways to get a passive-aggressive person to “give in.” Properly communicated consequences will stop a difficult person and may change his or her reluctance to cooperate.
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Reinforce appropriate behavior. In the context of behavioral psychology, reinforcement refers to something you do or give to a person after they have engaged in a particular behavior. The purpose of reinforcement is to increase the frequency of the behavior.
- This may mean a reward for good behavior that needs to be maintained, or a punishment for bad behavior that needs to be eliminated. Positive reinforcement is not the easiest of tasks because negative behavior is more noticeable than positive behavior. Always try to review good behavior so you don't miss an opportunity to reinforce it.
- For example, if a passive-aggressive person opens up and honestly voices his feelings (“I feel like you’re being this way to me on purpose!”), then this great sign! Reinforce this behavior in the following words: “Thank you for sharing with me. I really appreciate that you can tell me how you feel.”
- This will attract positive attention to good behavior, will allow you to recognize emotions. Now you can try to start an open dialogue.
- If you find fault, grumble and get angry, you will only fuel the conflict and give the person more excuses and reasons not to admit responsibility.
- By accepting this behavior or accepting someone else's responsibility, you are enabling and encouraging passive-aggressive behavior.
- People who engage in this behavior often feel proud of their ability to control their emotions.
Get to know the signs. The insidious nature of passive aggression lies in the fact that a person can plausibly deny such behavior. In response to your accusations, he may say that he does not understand what you are talking about, or accuse you of overreacting. Always trust your feelings and learn to recognize passive aggression.
Make sure you don't exaggerate. It may seem that the person is trying to annoy you, but it is also possible that you are simply overly suspicious and take everything personally. Rate yours weak spots- In the past, have you often come across people who make your life difficult? Is this person like them? Do you assume he behaves the same way?
Pay attention to the feelings the person makes you feel. When interacting with a passive-aggressive person, you may feel frustrated, angry, and even despair. It may seem as if you simply cannot please the person, no matter what you say or do.
Part 2
Responding to Passive-Aggressive BehaviorPart 3
How to Protect yourself from Passive-Aggressive BehaviorSet boundaries for these people. You certainly don't want to incite confrontation, but you also don't want to become a punching bag for passive-aggressive people. This is a form of abuse that can harm you. You have every right to set boundaries.
Surely, no one will argue that communicating with people is a difficult task. Without realizing it, we feel how some people subtly manipulate us, while from the outside, communication does not go beyond the bounds of decency.
A passive-aggressive interlocutor is a person who monotonously “drinks” your strength, feeds on your energy. In turn, this is very difficult to understand, because such people seem polite and do not violate personal boundaries, but this is only at first glance. Upon closer examination, it becomes clear that the person is simply a “vampire.”
Every person needs to learn to detect signs of passive aggression, and estet-portal.com will help you with this.
Features of passive aggression: how to identify
Passive aggressor- this is a person main feature whose behavior is that under any circumstances he tries to extinguish his anger. Unable and unwilling to express his negative emotions, such a person accumulates resentment and anger. Over time, there are so many of them that the aggressor has to throw out his emotions on other people, while carefully veiling his true motives.
You will never hear obvious criticism or dissatisfaction from a passive aggressor, however, relationships with him, sooner or later, will turn into a real nightmare. You can learn how to recognize this type of personality and learn to resist it from the information provided in this article.
Sabotage is the essence of a passive aggressor
The standard case is that management gives a subordinate a task, but he is in no hurry to complete it, due to the fact that this work is not to his “liking.” A person will delay until the last minute, squirm, avoid solving the task at hand, in the hope that everything will “resolve” on its own, that the task will be transferred to another employee.
To do this, the passive aggressor pretends that he doesn’t have time, that he can’t cope, and in general that he can’t do it, although in reality this is not the case - he just doesn’t want to do any work through force. In any case, the work process will be sabotaged and the aggressor will get his way.
Anger is the hidden emotion of a passive aggressor
Often, passive aggression affects people from families where a hostile atmosphere constantly reigns. Parents who are always quarreling, who periodically throw themselves at each other with their fists, cause a protest in the child, which adult life results in a desire to avoid open conflicts in every possible way.
But, as we understand, aggression does not go away; it accumulates and grows, periodically transforming and pouring out on others in the form of constant dissatisfaction and critical assessments. Carefully hiding his real feelings, the passive aggressor in any situation will assure you that everything is fine, that everything suits him. But, it is enough just to feel the intonation of the voice to understand that all this is a bluff and the person is dissatisfied.
The people discussed in this article avoid direct confrontation and will never directly say what makes them unhappy. At the same time, they will try to impose on you the idea that you are inadequate, cruel and soulless. It might sound something like this: “Of course, do as you please, why should you think about how I feel? Who cares about my condition?
Provocation is a favorite pastime of a passive aggressor
Passive aggression is a condition in which the aggressor always tries to keep “face.” He will never show his obvious anger and will restrain his feelings and emotions until the end.
Silent is their most favorite game. Passing the buck for the conflict on the shoulders of another person, the aggressor always understands what he is “doing.” His goal is to infuriate you, thereby making himself white and fluffy. As a result, you will hear banal phrases “I told you you don’t care” - this clean water a provocation that should not be succumbed to. You will scream furiously, and the passive aggressor will nod his head and say that he knew what kind of person you were from the very beginning.
Denunciation and passive aggressor: synonymous words
The passive aggressor is filled with a whole bunch of unexpressed negative emotions. This could be anger, envy, hatred and other feelings for which there is no outlet. As a result, a person cannot stand it, and it becomes urgent for him to “drain” all his negativity, to get rid of the accumulated load.
To achieve this, tricks such as denunciations and gossip are used. You will never hear in your “eyes” that you are wrong or that they are offended at you; you will learn about this from mutual acquaintances or management. You may ask, what is the point of all these actions? The answer is simple - a passive aggressor wants to be attractive and kind in the eyes of others, and for this he will do everything possible and impossible.
If you manage to recognize an aggressor among your colleagues in time, stay away from him, otherwise he may not only choose you as a victim, but his hidden actions can seriously harm even your career.
Passive aggression is the exact antonym of responsibility
In any life circumstances the passive aggressor avoids responsibility, responsibility for his choice, for his actions. He will blame his parents for not giving him anything, his loved one for depriving him of opportunities. You and only you will be to blame for all his everyday mistakes and work failures.
For everyone, the passive aggressor has his own version of reality, according to which he is a good and unhappy person, and everyone else is a tyrant. Infantile behavior worsens with age, a person begins to believe in his own decency and “exclusivity”. Being next to a passive aggressor and proving the opposite to him, you are simply wasting time, because he does not intend to give up his personal assessment, under any circumstances.
How to resist a passive aggressor
Psychologists say that most people prone to passive aggression are not even aware of their own “illness.” The trauma received in childhood leads to the fact that the child tries with all his might to protect himself in adulthood, but this does not mean that he does not need to resist.
In order to stop passive aggressor, the following steps must be taken:
Fighting tactics. If a person regularly ignores your request not to be late, warn that next time you will leave if he is late for more than 10 minutes, and you should speak respectfully, without insults.
Dialogue. Since the passive aggressor himself does not know what he is doing, it is worth speaking to him in his own language - peacefully, but convincingly. Explain to the person that you are tormented and stressed by his avoidance of the conflict and hushing up the problem.
Logical chain. If your spouse is the passive aggressor, then over time you will learn to notice when a person is out of sorts. You shouldn’t organize a boycott in response, on the contrary, try to understand why your loved one does this, maybe at some points you went too far.
If it happens in your life that you cannot avoid communicating with a passive-aggressive person, then you should understand one thing Golden Rule- You are not to blame for anything. There is no need to look for the reason in yourself, for such a person, his behavior is the norm, and he will always find someone to blame, not you, but someone else.
What you need to know to protect yourself
Passive aggression is something that needs to be confronted. Clearly build your boundaries and go to the end if you are confident that you are right. A passive aggressor will stop at nothing and will go to the end to express his secret desires. If you feel that you are wrong in something, accept it and correct it, but nothing more - you should not take responsibility for something you did not do.
There is no need to make retaliatory attacks, this will only provoke a greater intensity of emotions, and only on your part. The passive aggressor will continue to pretend to be an unhappy “sheep”, complaining to everyone about how he is misunderstood and offended.
In particularly severe cases, when a passive aggressor puts pressure on you, you should not endure it; seek help from a psychologist. A specialist will help you see the situation from the outside and get out of it with the slightest loss to your mental health.
In order not to lose faith in own strength remember that everything the passive aggressor talks about is not about you, it’s just convenient and necessary for him. Take care of yourself and your personal space by not allowing toxic people to enter your territory. Remember that in this situation, your mental condition- this is a healthy assessment of what is happening and self-control.
Read even more interesting things about emotional and psychological health at estet-portal.com.
Some people think that passive aggression is The best way resolve conflicts. But that's not true. Not only does this tactic lead to enormous frustration, but it is also an incredibly counterproductive action on the part of the passive-aggressive person because he or she does not gain any real insight from it.
“And for the person who is the target of passive aggression, experiencing this type of treatment can make you feel crazy,” explains Scott Wetzler.
Wetzler, PhD, is chairman of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Montefiore Medical Center, and the author of Living With the Passive-Aggressive Man. “You are told that everything is fine, but you feel tension in your relationship. You know something is going on, but the other person is hiding it from you.”“At its core, this behavior is embellished hostility,” Wetzler explains. “So, for example, instead of directly denying your request, these people... indirectly do not do what you expect them to do.”
Passive-aggressive behavior, expressed in many ways, has the same root: it is based on fear and an attempt to avoid direct conflict, coupled with feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. Result? A silent power struggle that can be expressed in different ways, for example:
- Sarcasm
- Silence
- Avoiding direct contact
- Lack of praise
- Criticism
- Sabotage
- Lateness
- Failure to comply with a request
“Sometimes this passive-aggressive behavior is intentional because the passive-aggressive person wants the other to be the first to engage in conflict, but often the behavior is completely unintentional,” says California psychiatrist Andrea Brandt, MD, author of “ 8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness and Mindful Anger: The Emotional Path To Freedom. “They find people who give them a boost,” Dr. Brandt explains. “They direct passive aggression at people who cannot give them an answer and who are easily angered.”
Brandt believes that sometimes people are passive aggressive because of their upbringing. For example, people who grew up in a family where one parent is dominant over the other are more likely to be passive aggressive. “They learn that strong and unstable people cannot be approached directly, but they you can lie or keep things secret from them to get what you want, she explains. - For example, we all heard the following phrase in childhood: “We won’t tell this to your father.” It's passiveaggressive behavior".
While we all express passive aggression from time to time (just remember the last time you said “yes” when you meant “no”), there are some people who are more prone to this behavior. People who avoid or fear conflict are more likely to engage in passive-aggressive behavior, as are people with low self-esteem and self-confidence, “because you haven't been given permission to express your feelings, especially anger,” says Andrea Brandt.
What's the best way to communicate with a passive-aggressive person?
1. Call the behavior by its real name: hostility.“Recognizing and recognizing this behavior for what it really is means recognizing that it is a type of hostility and not being fooled by its harmlessness and subtlety,” advises Wetzler. “When you recognize it as a type of hostility, you have the opportunity to deal with it.”
The most big mistake people are being lenient. Once you give in to passive-aggressive behavior, you lose the ability to resist it: it is important to see that it is a power struggle and use typical fighting tactics.
2. Set limits and follow them."Clearly d Please understand that you will not tolerate such behavior» , says Wetzler. If a person is constantly late and it bothers you, let him or her know that the next time he or she is late to, say, a movie, you will just go alone. "It's a way of setting a limit," Wetzler explains. “It’s also a way of saying you’re not going to put up with this or back down.”
3. Speak specifically, not generally. If you are going to confront a passive-aggressive person, be clear about the problem. The danger of confrontation is that your statements may sound too general. For example, phrases such as “You always do this!” will get you nowhere. Therefore, it is important to talk to the person about a specific action. For example, if his silence begins to get on your nerves, explain it with a specific example where he remained silent, but for you it looked like a manifestation of hostility. “Call a spade a spade,” advises Wetzler.
4. Practicepositively-affirmative communication.« Eat aggressive communication, there is passive communication, and there is passive-aggressive communication. None of these types of communication are positive» , says Andrea Brandt.
Positive-affirmative communication means that you respond in a positive, non-hostile, respectful tone. “You're confident, collaborative, and there's a sense that you both want to solve the problem in a way that everyone wins,” says Dr. Brandt. It is also important to listen and not make the conversation worse with accusations. “You're not just trying to get your way, but you're taking the other person's point of view. Acknowledging this person and their feelings does not mean you have to agree with them.”
Okay, everyone is passive-aggressive sometimes. But how to stop if you find that you have already started to behave this way?
1. Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness,advises Brandt. By listening to yourself and your feelings, you can identify when your actions are inconsistent with your feelings and thoughts (this is how passive aggression begins), she says.
Making people aware that this behavior is also a form of self-sabotage means giving them a solution to the problem. “The fact that they didn't turn in a project on time or didn't get a promotion doesn't correlate with them engaging in passive-aggressive behavior,” Wetzler says. “They think, ‘Oh, my boss is tyrannical and unfair,’ but they don’t think that this could be related to their job.”
It is also important to understand that anger, which is the root of this behavior, is not an inherently negative emotion. "Anger has many positive qualities: It tells you something is wrong, can help you focus, evaluate your values and goals, and strengthen your relationships and connections,” explains Brandt. So when you feel angry for some reason, don't be afraid to express your emotions and direct them towards those concerned (just use a positive-affirmative form of communication).
Confronting the fear of conflict can minimize passive aggression. According to Dr. Wetzler's observations, more often than not, trying to mitigate this behavior can lead to even greater conflict. “It’s good if the open conflict can be resolved. However, it will inevitably grow because of what was swept under the rug, because there was disagreement between the two sides in the first place, he explains. -You will have to bring your feelings to the surface and clarify the situation. Therefore, positive-affirmative communication, the desire to engage in confrontation and conflict, resolving them in a constructive manner, will require somewhat more effort.”
Ultimately, stopping passive-aggressive behavior requires figuring out what you want and getting rid of everything else. Some people are so aware of what other people think of them and expect of them that they simply go along with it, to their own detriment. “They do not think about what they themselves want, but only about what others want from them.”
So the solution is to listen to your own voice. "Get rid of external voices," Wetzler says. “Then you will understand which direction to move in.”
Understanding the character traits of manipulators is the first step to effective
interaction with them. To understand what these people are like
in fact, we must place them in the appropriate context. In this chapter I want to lay
a framework of ideas about personality and character that will help you see the difference between
manipulators and other personality types and learn to confidently recognize a wolf in
sheep's clothing when meeting him.
Personality with character disorders
The role of anxiety in the problems faced by individuals with
character disorders (IDC), insignificant. On the contrary, IHR lack
anxiety and vigilance associated with their dysfunctional behavioral
models.
In individuals with serious character disorders, the voice of conscience may
be absent altogether. In most IHRs, conscience is significantly underdeveloped.
The IRH's ability to experience genuine feelings of guilt or shame is weakened.
What may look like a defense mechanism on the outside is most likely
a powerful tactic that allows you to manipulate others and not give in
requirements of society.
IHR may try to manipulate your perceptions of them, but fundamentally they are who
they are.
The problematic aspects of IRH’s personality are egosyntonic (that is, IRH likes to be
himself and he is quite satisfied with his own behavioral models, although both can
cause a lot of trouble to others). They rarely seek help themselves
yourself - usually this happens at the insistence of other people.
Behind IHR's behavior are faulty thinking patterns and false views.
Self-esteem of IHR is most often inflated, and exaggeration of one’s merits is not
serves as compensation for a deeper feeling of inferiority.
Adverse consequences and social stigma do not stop IHR.
Although problematic IHR behavior patterns may be habitual and
automatic, they are conscious and intentional.
A person with character disorders has a high level of awareness and
understanding of herself, but this does not prevent her from resisting attempts to change her views and
fundamental beliefs. IHR do not need insights - they need and are useful
framework, confrontation and, above all, behavior correction. Most suitable for
working with them is a cognitive behavioral therapeutic approach.
As can be seen, on almost every point the differences between a neurotic and a personality
with character disorders are striking. And above all – people with character disorders
They don't think like most of us. In recent years, researchers have realized the full extent
the importance of this fact. The way we think, what we believe, the attitudes we have formed
to certain things - all this largely determines how we act. IN
in particular, this is why, as modern researchers note,
cognitive behavioral therapy (working with erroneous thinking patterns and
supporting a person’s desire to change their attitudes and behavior patterns) –
suitable choice for people with an unbalanced character.
Research on distortions in the thinking patterns of individuals with character disorders
began several years ago and focused primarily on mental
attitudes of criminals. After some time, researchers came to the conclusion that
Problematic thinking patterns are common to all personality types with disorders
character. I borrowed descriptions of these problematic patterns, modified and expanded
and am ready to present them brief description the most important of them.
Narcissism. People with character disorders think about themselves all the time
to yourself. They don't think about what others need or how they influence others
their actions. This type of thinking gives rise to a selfish life position and
neglect of obligations to society.
Possessiveness. A thinking pattern that views others as property
with which you can do as you see fit, and whose role is
to please you. In addition, people with character disorders are prone to
objectification, that is, they see others as an object, and not independent individuals,
with self-esteem, rights and needs. This type
thinking gives rise to a possessive attitude towards other people, the desire to declare
their rights to them and dehumanize (dehumanize) them.
Maximalism (“all or nothing”). A person with character disorders is prone to
reject everything at all if he cannot get what he wants in full. If he's not really
at the top of the pyramid, he feels himself floundering at its base. If anyone disagrees with
him on some point, he believes that his opinion is not valued at all. This type
thinking interferes with the manifestations of moderation and a sense of balance and promotes
uncompromisingness.
Self-obsession. A person with character disorders is so high
values his personality and ascribes to himself the right to everything he wants. He doesn't think that
must somehow earn what he wants, but, on the contrary, is inclined to believe that everyone around him is in debt
in front of him. This type of thinking contributes to the formation of arrogance, arrogance and
confidence that everyone around him is his debtor.
Shamelessness. A person with character disorders experiences a deficiency of healthy
feelings of shame. He doesn't care how his behavior affects his reputation. He can
be embarrassed if someone reveals the true essence of his character, but confusion from
the fact that he was found out is by no means the same thing as a feeling of shame for a reprehensible
act. Shamelessness fuels arrogance.
Haste and frivolity. A person with character disorders is always
strives to get what he wants as easily as possible. He hates applying
effort or commitment. It gives him much more pleasure
fool people. This type of thinking creates a disdainful attitude towards work and
other people's efforts.
Infallibility. A person with character disorders does not think about
how right or wrong his behavior is - he simply begins to act and
takes everything he needs, no matter what social norms are violated. This type
thinking gives rise to irresponsibility and antisocial behavior.
Aggressive personality and its subtypes
Personality theorist Theodore Millon looks at aggressive personalities
as actively independent in their interactions with others and the world at large.
He notes that such individuals actively ensure that their
needs have been met, and strive not to become dependent on outsiders
support. He also believes that there are two types of active-independent personality:
one can adjust its course of action sufficiently to
exist in society; the other is unable to follow the requirements of the law. I don't
agree that the epithet “aggressive” is the most appropriate to describe
style of interpersonal communication of each subtype of an active-independent personality. Human
may well make it a rule to actively take care of himself without really aggressive
manifestations. This is the case, for example, in the case of an assertive personality, which I consider
the healthiest of all. But I wholeheartedly support the idea that diversity
aggressive individuals are not limited to the circle of hardened criminals, and I think
very deplorable is the fact that in the official psychiatric nomenclature as
only a small subtype of individuals with psychological disorders appears
active-independent personality – antisocial personality.
Unlike an assertive personality, an aggressive personality realizes its intentions in
interpersonal relationships with a certain degree of ruthlessness that exposes it
disregard for the rights and needs of others. Among the most
characteristic features of this personality: a predisposition to meet any challenges in life
challenges with an unyielding determination to “win”; hot-tempered and intolerant character and
mentality; reducing adaptability, lack of ability to experience fear, weakness
braking mechanisms; persistent desire to occupy a dominant position;
exceptional contempt and disdain for those perceived as
weak. This is a “fighter” to the core.
An aggressive personality has a fair degree of narcissistic traits - sometimes
even considered as a type of narcissistic personality. Aggressive personality
notorious for her overconfidence and self-centeredness. Her own desires
plans, intentions are the only thing that matters to her. Anything that interferes with her goals
gets out of the way at any cost.
Based on the characteristics of an active-independent personality given by Millon,
a number of studies of type “A” (aggressive) personalities, the results of an ongoing
studying some deeply aggressive personalities and the experience gained during
many years of work with a wide variety of character disorders, I find
It is advisable to distinguish five basic types of aggressive personality:
unlimited-aggressive, directed-aggressive, sadistic, predatory
(psychopathic) and hidden-aggressive. Although they have much in common, each of these types
has its own clearly distinguishable unique features. Some are more dangerous compared to
others, and some are more difficult to understand. However, all aggressive individuals are significantly
make life difficult for those who work near them, live with them or are under their influence
influence.
Unlimited aggressive personality openly hostile, often rude and cruel and
often behaves in a criminal manner. These are the people whose behavior we usually call
antisocial. They get angry easily, are not careful enough,
experience fears that help them adapt to the situation, are impulsive, lead
themselves at risk and extremely prone to gross violation of other people's rights. Many of them
spend a fair portion of their lives in prison because they are simply unable to
to comply with the demands of society, even when it is in their own interests.
According to traditional beliefs, these people became like this because they grew up in
an environment that instilled in them distrust of authorities and other people, and were
too traumatized by neglect and abuse to
learn to get closer to other people. My many years of experience have convinced me that only in
In some cases, the hostility of such openly aggressive characters is really
fueled by an extreme degree of mistrust on the part of others. Even fewer of them
number have an innate predisposition to wariness and suspicion (then
there are certain paranoid traits). My experience has shown that in most cases
unrestrained aggressiveness is explained not so much by distrust and suspicion,
how much is simply an increased readiness of the individual to express aggression even when it
meaningless, unreasonable and generated simply by irritation. They show aggression
without hesitation and without regard to the consequences for themselves and everyone else. At the same time, in
the biographies of most of them showed no neglect, no mistreatment, no
unfavorable conditions. Moreover, some grew up in the most wonderful surroundings.
Thus, many of our traditional ideas about these individuals need to be
revision. One of the researchers noted that the only reliable factor seems to be
common to the whole variety of “criminal personalities” with whom he happened to
encounter - the pleasure they get from illegal, illegal
actions.
Directed aggressive personality generally directs his open aggression towards
those areas where it is socially acceptable - business, sports, army, security
law and order and jurisprudence. The rigidity, self-will and competitiveness of such people
are often rewarded. They may talk openly about how to bury an opponent or
"break" your opponent. They usually do not cross the line that separates their behavior from
really antisocial, but we shouldn't be surprised when it does happen.
The fact is that their social conformism is explained rather by practical
considerations rather than true adherence to principles or submission to higher
authorities. Therefore, they may well break the rules and cause unnecessary damage,
if they feel it will be justified or they can get away with it.
Sadistic-aggressive personality– another openly aggressive type. Like
all other aggressive individuals, they strive to gain power and subjugate
the rest. However, people of this type get special pleasure from watching how
and their victim, in distress, crawls. For other varieties
aggressive personality causing pain or harm to anyone who stands in the way of what they want
necessary - just the costs of the struggle. The goal of most aggressive individuals is
win, not cause damage. In their understanding, if someone got hurt simply because
ended up under their feet - well, so be it. But the sadist enjoys,
making people humiliate and suffer. Like other aggressive individuals, sadists want
control and subjugate, but unlike others they receive special pleasure if
at the same time they insult and humiliate their victim.
Predatory-aggressive type(sometimes called a psychopath or sociopath) –
the most dangerous among all aggressive individuals. Probably the most outstanding
An expert in this area is Robert Hare, whose book “Deprived of Conscience. Frightening
the world of psychopaths" is very easy to read and very valuable, although
a chilling introduction to the area. Fortunately, psychopaths are relatively rare
phenomenon. However, I have encountered quite a few of them throughout my career.
They are radically different from the vast majority of people. From their shamelessness
hands down. They tend to consider themselves superior beings, for whom ordinary
people are just fair game. They are the most pronounced manipulators and inveterate
scammers who profit from using and abusing other people
trust. At the same time, they can behave charmingly and disarmingly. Like the skilled
predators, they carefully study all the vulnerable spots of their prey and are capable of the most
heinous victimization without the slightest remorse or remorse. Fortunately,
Most manipulators are not psychopaths.
Some features are common to different types aggressive personality. All of them
tend to seek power and subjugate others. They are all relative
insensitive to fear of punishment and the voice of conscience. In their picture of the world and way of thinking
reality is distorted in such a way as to justify their extremely aggressive
position and relieve you of the need to take on and bear responsibility for your
behavior. Their distorted, incorrect thinking patterns in recent years
have repeatedly become the subject of research. Since different types
aggressive personality has so much in common, one subtype often also exhibits some
traits of another. Thus, a predominantly antisocial personality may carry within itself
some elements of sadism or hidden aggressiveness, and hidden-aggressive - to show
certain antisocial tendencies, etc.
As mentioned above, all aggressive personalities have much in common with
narcissistic. Both types have inflated egos, both are sure that everyone around them owes them. Both
tend to exploit interpersonal relationships. Both are emotionally independent, then
They rely only on themselves to satisfy their needs. Millon describes
narcissists as a passive-independent personality type, since their preoccupation with themselves leads to
they become confident that they simply don’t need anyone around. They don't need
do something to show their competence and superiority because they and
so completely convinced of this. But if narcissists are so self-absorbed that they
passively neglect the rights and needs of others, then aggressive individuals
on the contrary, they are actively involved in activities designed to support their independence and
protect her from encroachment, and actively trample on the rights of others in order to protect their own
goals and maintain a dominant position.
Hidden-aggressive personality
It can be expected that a covertly aggressive personality, being a subtype of aggressive,
will also have some common features with daffodils. However, in covertly aggressive
there are many personalities unique features, which make them separate, distinct
distinguishable type of aggressive personality. From other types of aggressive personality they
They differ primarily in the way they fight. They fight for what they want and
achieve power over others using elusive, cunning, insidious
ways. Upon mature reflection it is clear that they are much closer to individuals with
character disorders than neurotics. To the extent that they have
neuroticism, they may be deceived about the true nature of their character and
own hidden aggressive behavior. The closer they are to individuals with
character disorders, the more actively they deceive only those whom they have chosen
victim.
The reluctance of covertly aggressive individuals to show open aggression -
a pragmatic trait that allows them to save face. Manipulators know that explicit
aggression will meet resistance. Having learned that the best way to overcome an obstacle is
bypass it, they become masters of the struggle, which is waged by any means, but
secretly.
Some personality theorists consider a key trait
hidden-aggressive or manipulative personalities, then extraordinary pleasure, with
with which they fool their victims. But I am convinced that their intentions are those
the same as for other aggressive individuals. They just want to win and they realized that
secret methods of warfare suit their goals best. That's what I consider them
the most important qualities:
1. Hidden-aggressive individuals always strive to insist on their own or “win.”
Any life situation for them, as for all other aggressive individuals, -
a challenge to be accepted and a battle to be won.
2. Covert-aggressive individuals seek power over other people and strive
subjugate them. They always want to be one step ahead and in control of the situation. They
use a whole arsenal of subtle but effective techniques to get and
maintain an advantage in interpersonal relationships. They resort to certain
tricks that force others to defend themselves, give in or give up something and
at the same time, they mask their aggressive intentions.
3. Covert-aggressive individuals can be deceptively polite, charming, and
attractive. They know how to present themselves in a favorable light and how to position
you to yourself, melting the ice of your resistance. They know what to say and do
for you to suspend your intuitive mistrust and give them what they want.
4. Covertly aggressive individuals can also be unprincipled, insidious and
vindictive fighters. They know how to take advantage of any weakness you have and will strengthen you.
onslaught, barely noticing signs of indecision in your behavior. They know how to catch
take you by surprise and prevent you from preparing. And if they think you've crossed their path or
tried to get the better of them, they will try to put you in your place and take revenge. For
Their battle is not over until they win.
5. Hidden-aggressive individuals are distinguished by a profound lack of conscience. Like everyone else
For other aggressive individuals, they lack internal “brakes.” They know that
what is good and what is bad, but they do not allow this knowledge to stand in the way of what they want. For them
the end always justifies the means. Thus, they deceive both themselves and others
relative to what they are actually doing.
6. Covert-aggressive individuals abuse interpersonal relationships And
use them for their own purposes. They consider people pawns in a game (or, if you prefer, a battle)
life. Abhorring weakness as such, they take advantage of every
lack of their “opponents”.
As with any other types, psychopathology is expressed in covertly aggressive people.
individuals to varying degrees. For the most serious violations, the interpersonal style
interactions between covertly aggressive individuals go far beyond simple
manipulativeness. Covert-aggressive individuals with severe disorders
character are capable of hiding a fair amount of ruthlessness and thirst for power under the mask
feigned politeness and even a certain charm. Some of them show
distinctly psychopathic traits. Great examples are Jim Jones and
David Koresh. However, although the behavior of a hidden-aggressive personality can be much
(Jim Jones is an American preacher, founder of the religious organization Peoples Temple. In 1978
year convinced the residents of Jonestown (a village founded by members of the Peoples Temple) to commit a mass
suicide. David Koresh is an American religious leader, leader of the Branch Davidian sect. Was caught
in sexual relations with minors, was accused of attempted murder, but was acquitted.
He died in 1993 during the FBI siege of the Mount Carmel estate, which belonged to members of the sect.)
richer than simple manipulativeness, real manipulators in the overwhelming majority
In their own way, they are hidden aggressive individuals.
Differences between a covert-aggressive personality and a passive-aggressive and other types
Just as passivity and hidden aggression are very different
behavioral styles, passive-aggressive and hidden-aggressive personalities are strikingly
differ from each other. Millon describes the personality of the passive-aggressive, or
negativistic, such as very ambivalent - oscillating between dependent and
independent style of behavior. People of this type want to manage their own
life, but fear that they lack the ability to do it effectively. Their insecurities
and hesitation as to whether to take care of oneself or rely on it
mainly on others, firmly connect them with those who are with them in
any relationship. They constantly want and beg others for support and care.
However, since a dependent and subordinate position irritates them, they often try
taste personal power by resisting cooperation with the very people whose
were looking for support. Unable to make a decision on their own, they may shift
it on your shoulders. Once you accept it, they take their time to follow it. In an argument with you
they may decide they've had enough and want to leave. But in fear of what's behind this
elimination may be followed by emotional rejection, they stay and sulk until
until you start begging them to tell you what's wrong. Living with a passive-aggressive
personality can be very difficult because it often seems impossible to please.
In his book How to Live with a Passive-Aggressive Person, Scott Wetzler quite
describes well the passive-aggressive type and life next to him, although often not
sufficiently differentiates between passivity and hidden aggressiveness.
Therapy for passive-aggressive patients is legendary. These patients may whine and
complain about the therapist's lack of support, but the therapist barely tries to provide
her, they immediately rear up and meet the therapist’s proposals with objections like “yes,
but…” and other implicit forms of passive resistance. Most therapists with
easily distinguish such clearly “ambivalent” characters, driven
increased sensitivity to shame, from more cunning, calculating manipulators,
which I call covertly aggressive. However, sometimes therapists unfamiliar with more
in precise terms, the concept is mistakenly used to describe manipulators
“passive-aggressive”, thereby trying to more clearly define the elusive
aggressiveness inherent in these manipulators. Hidden-aggressive personalities are not at all
the same as obsessive-compulsive. We've all encountered perfectionists
pedants and highly organized people. We value these qualities very highly,
when they audit our tax returns or perform brain surgery on us. Yes,
some compulsive people can be pushy, overbearing, overpowering and
controlling. But this happens because they also have a hidden
aggressiveness. Apparent adherence to principles and standards can be used as
a mechanism that allows you to gain power and subjugate others.
Obsessive-compulsive individuals with hidden aggression are people who
trying to shove their standards down everyone else's throats.
Covert-aggressive personalities are not identical to narcissistic personalities, although almost
always have narcissistic traits. People who think too much about themselves don't
necessarily try to manipulate others. Narcissists can relate to needs
others with passive indifference because they are self-absorbed. However, some
self-centered people show active disrespect for other people's needs and
deliberately mistreat other people, turning them into their victims. To
To reflect this, some authors distinguish between mild and malignant narcissism. However I
I believe that the difference between people who are so self-absorbed that they do not show
attention to the rights and needs of others, and people, systematically
exploiting and victimizing others is that the latter, in addition to
Narcissistic traits have a distinct aggressiveness. Thus,
egoists who skillfully manipulate and use others are not just narcissists, but
also hidden aggressive individuals.
Most covertly aggressive individuals are not antisocial.
Since they are disdainful of other people's rights and needs, they have
lack of conscience, actively seek an advantage over other people and resort to
by any methods, except perhaps obvious violations of the law and naked aggression,
There is a great temptation to call their behavior antisocial. Manipulation really comes in
in the arsenal of some antisocial individuals. However, manipulators do not violate
the most significant social norms, do not lead a criminal lifestyle and do not exhibit
gross aggression towards others, although in principle they are capable of this. Was
Several attempts have been made to accurately describe the inherent nature of manipulative people.
calculating, cunning, controlling interpersonal style. To them
tried on every label imaginable, from sociopaths to malignantly narcissistic and even how
suggested Scott Peck, "vicious" individuals. Based on my feelings from people with
subtle aggression in their character, many call them passive-aggressive. However, neither
one of these labels does not capture the essence of the manipulative personality. It's important to realize that
manipulation most often implies hidden aggression, so skilled manipulators
- These are hidden aggressive individuals.
It should also be remembered that the manipulator, in addition to his hidden aggressiveness
may have other personality traits. So, in addition to manipulativeness, he can
have a certain amount of narcissism, obsessive compulsiveness,
antisociality and other tendencies. But, as one of my friends noted, “it doesn’t matter if it’s gray
or brown, whether his ears are long or short, whether he has a lot of fur or little - if he is big, with
with tusks and a trunk, then it’s definitely an elephant.” If the person you are dealing with has
those key traits described above, then it doesn’t matter what else he has - before
you are a hidden aggressive person.
Since predatory-aggressive and psychopathic personalities are masters
manipulation, there is a temptation to view a covertly aggressive personality as soft
version of a psychopath. This point of view has the right to life. Psychopaths are the most dangerous
insidious and manipulative among aggressive individuals. Fortunately, they are at the same time
are rather the exception. The same manipulative personalities described in this
book, are widespread to a much greater extent and, although they can also to a certain extent
degree to wreak havoc and devastation in the lives of its victims, is still not as dangerous as
psychopaths.
How a hidden-aggressive personality is formed
An aggressive personality is formed in different ways. I have met individuals whose
childhood was so riddled with neglect and abuse that they were
they are simply forced to become strong “fighters” in order to survive. But I have also seen many
those who were too eager to fight throughout their lives, although they grew up in the very
in the most caring and supportive environment imaginable. Arises
the feeling that these people derailed their socialization process quite early and
that the formation of their character at all stages proceeded under the strong influence of their
excessive belligerence. However, regardless of what had a stronger
influence - nature or nurture - most hidden-aggressive personalities in childhood
years have somehow missed some important lessons about managing one's aggression and
focused too much on others. Judging by the life stories with which I
I had a chance to get acquainted, covertly aggressive individuals usually demonstrate the following
flaws:
1. They do not know how to understand in what cases a fight is really necessary and
justified. For them, all everyday life is a battle, and everything that stands in the way of
desired - “enemy”. Obsessed with "winning", they want to fight too much and
are in excessively expressed combat readiness.
2. They never entertained the idea that “victory” in the long-term sense is often
implies a willingness to retreat, step aside, or submit to
short term. They are unable to recognize those moments when they should
give in. Categorical rejection of the very idea of obedience does not allow them to go to those
small concessions that often lead to “victory” later.
3. They don't know how to fight fairly and constructively. Maybe they
learned a lesson that now causes them to not trust their ability to win in
fight in an honest way. Perhaps they were never prepared to be subjected to
risk of defeat. Sometimes the reason is simpler: they discovered that the hidden struggle
more efficient. Be that as it may, they somehow learned to go towards “victory” (according to
at least short-term) through secret and treacherous paths.
4. Because they hate to obey, they deprived themselves of the opportunity to see that
admitting defeat may have some constructive benefits. I believe,
that all aggressive individuals (and individuals with character disorders) have an underlying
inability to learn from previous experiences the lessons we would like to teach them,
lies the same mechanism. True assimilation (i.e. internalization) of life
lesson always implies submission to some higher authority, force or moral
principle. Aggressive personalities They don’t change because they don’t want to obey.
5. They do not know how to go beyond their childish selfishness and self-centeredness.
They are not able to realize that just the desire to get something can be
not enough to qualify. For them, the whole world is their property.
Having learned to get their way through manipulation, they begin to consider themselves invincible.
This inflates their already inflated self-esteem even more.
6. They have not learned to sincerely respect and empathize with other people's weaknesses.
Any vulnerability of another person for them is just their own advantage.
Despising other people's weaknesses (especially emotional ones), they hone their skills beyond measure.
find and use emotional “levers” of their victims.
Fertile ground for hidden aggression
Some professions, fields of activity and public institutions
provide covertly aggressive individuals with an excellent opportunity to take advantage of others
people for their own purposes. Politics, law enforcement, religion - these are a few bright ones
examples. I do not mean to suggest that any politician, police officer or religious
the actor is certainly a manipulative person. However, manipulators, being
secret power-hungers, cannot resist that brilliant opportunity
assert oneself and wield significant power under the guise of execution
debt that these areas open up for them. Televangelists, cult leaders,
political extremists, Sunday night "success" sellers, and militant
social activists, whose revealing articles later appeared on the first
newspaper strips, from the point of view of the way of action, were not fundamentally different from those
hidden aggressive personalities that we encounter in everyday life. This
just pronounced extreme cases. The more insidious and skillful
a hidden-aggressive personality uses manipulation techniques, the easier it is for her to take
an influential position with broad powers.
How to recognize a manipulator and deal with him
It is easy to become a victim of the cunning tricks of a hidden aggressive person. If you
want to avoid victimization, you must do the following.
1. Get to know the character of these wolves in sheep's clothing. Understand what
what they want and how they act. Study them so closely that you can immediately recognize any of them
at the meeting. The stories in the following chapters of the book are written to help you
feel the spirit of covertly aggressive behavior.
2. Familiarize yourself with the favorite techniques of covertly aggressive people who
allow them to manipulate and control those around them. We need to make a clear
an idea not only of what covertly aggressive individuals are like, but also of how
they can behave. In general, one can expect from them any steps leading to
“victory”, but study the most common techniques and learn to notice them
application is the best way to avoid victimization.
3. Examine the common fears and weaknesses that make you especially vulnerable.
before the tricks of hidden aggressive individuals. Knowing your vulnerabilities perhaps yours
the most powerful tool for effectively resisting a manipulator.
4. Find out what you can change in own behavior to become less
vulnerable to victimization and attempts by the manipulator to use you for their own purposes.
Using techniques like those presented in Chapter 10 can radically change
the nature of your communication with other people and will allow you to be more productive
interact with those who would otherwise try to manipulate and control
you.
The stories presented in the next few chapters are called upon more closely
introduce you to the nature of manipulative people. In every chapter, to the fore
one of the distinctive features hidden aggressive personality. In all these stories
I tried to clearly show the main intentions of the manipulator, the techniques that he
used to carry out these intentions, and the weaknesses of the victim, which he
enjoyed it.