Psychology of passive aggression. Passive-aggressive personality disorder

Passive aggressiveness is an indirect expression of anger in which the person tries to upset or hurt you in a way that isn't obvious. The difficulty lies in the fact that it is easy for such a person to deny the presence of bad intentions. People tend to be passive-aggressive because they don't handle conflict properly. However, there are ways to help such a person realize own behavior and solve the problem passive aggression through communication.

Steps

Part 1

How to recognize passive-aggressive behavior

Get to know the signs. The insidious nature of passive aggression lies in the fact that a person can plausibly deny such behavior. In response to your accusations, he may say that he does not understand what it is about, or accuse you of overreacting. Always trust your feelings and learn to recognize passive aggression.

Make sure you don't exaggerate. It may seem that the person is trying to annoy you, but it is also possible that you are simply overly suspicious and take everything personally. Rate your weak spots- In the past, have you often come across people who complicate your life? Does this person look like them? Are you suggesting that he behaves the same way?

Notice how the person makes you feel. When interacting with a passive-aggressive person, you may feel frustrated, angry, and even desperate. It may seem as if you are simply unable to please a person, no matter what you say or do.

You may be hurt by the fact that you are the host of passive-aggressive behavior. For example, a person may give you a silent boycott.
You may be confused by the fact that a person constantly complains, but does nothing to fix the situation. Follow your instincts.
Being around such a person can be exhausting or draining, as you expend too much energy to deal with passive-aggressive behavior.

Part 2

Reaction to passive-aggressive behavior

Always keep a positive attitude. Power positive thinking helps to cope with daily activities. People with passive-aggressive behavior will try to suck you into a funnel of negativity. Sometimes they try to cause a negative reaction in order to shift their attention to you in response and appear as if they are not guilty. Don't allow it.
- Stay positive so you don't stoop to their level. Don't give these people a reason. Do not insult them, do not shout and do not get annoyed. By remaining calm, you will be in a better position to shift your attention to their actions rather than yours. Being angry will only divert attention from the real problems.
- Model positive behavior. When communicating with children and adults, respond to your conflicts so that others know how to interact with you. Passive aggression emits emotions, hiding them behind a mask of indifference. Instead, be open, honest, and express your emotions directly. When confronted with passive-aggressive behaviors such as defiant silence, steer the conversation in a productive direction.
Always keep calm. If you are upset, then do not rush to make decisions and first calm down (walk, turn on music and dance, solve a crossword puzzle), and then decide what you want to get from this situation, that is, what a reasonable outcome you can come to terms with.
- Control your emotions, especially anger. Don't directly accuse people of being passive-aggressive, it will only allow them to deny everything and accuse you of making a big deal of the problem, overreceptiveness or suspicion.
- Do not under any circumstances go out of your way. Don't let the person realize that he or she was able to get you out. This will only reinforce their behavior and everything will happen again.
- Restrain yourself from showing retaliatory anger or other emotionally charged reaction. This way you will take matters into your own hands and make yourself look like someone who shouldn't be pushed around.
Start a conversation about the problem. As long as you maintain emotional fortitude, self-respect, and calmness, it is best to simply express how you see the situation. For example: “I may be wrong, but I guess you were upset that Dima was not invited to the party. Let's discuss this?"
- Be direct and to the point. If you express your thoughts vaguely and speak in general terms, then a person with passive-aggressive behavior can easily twist what was said. If you are going to confront such a person, it is better to speak directly.
- The danger of confrontation is generated by the possibility of free interpretation of phrases like “You are back to the old again!”. So you will not come to anything, it is better to immediately say about a specific action. So, if a silent boycott annoys you, then give an example of a specific case when it took place.
The person must be aware that he is upset. You don't have to escalate the situation, but stay firm and say, "It looks like you're really upset right now" or "It looks like something's bothering you."

Part 3

How to protect yourself from passive-aggressive behavior

Set boundaries for these people. You don't want to start a fight, of course, but you also don't want to become a punching bag for passive-aggressive people. This is one form of abuse that can harm you. You have every right to set boundaries.

A common mistake is being too soft. By giving in to passive-aggressive behavior, you lose the threads of control over the situation. This is a kind of power struggle. You can remain calm and positive, but still be strong and firm in your decisions.
Respect established boundaries. Make it clear that you will not tolerate mistreatment. If the person is constantly late and makes you nervous, let them know that the next time you are late, you will just go to the movies without them. This is one way of saying that you are not going to pay the price for someone else's behavior.

Find and address the root of the problem. The best way to cope with such anger is to assess all prospects as early as possible. To do this, you need to understand the root cause of anger.
- If such a person is not characterized by angry behavior, then talk to mutual acquaintances who can know the reason and recognize the signs of emerging anger in time.
- Dig deeper and fairly evaluate the reasons pushing for such behavior. Passive aggression is usually a symptom of other problems.
Learn assertive communication. Communication can be aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive. The productivity of all these types is inferior to assertive communication.
Know when it's best to avoid the person entirely. If a person regularly engages in passive-aggressive behavior, then it is obviously better to stop communicating with him. Your well being is more important.
- Find ways to see such a person as little as possible and not be alone. Always be on the team.
- If such people carry only negative energy, then think twice whether it is worth communicating with them in principle.
Do not share information that can be used against you. Do not give passive-aggressive people personal information, your emotions and thoughts.
- Such people may ask questions that at first glance seem innocent and without malicious intent. Feel free to answer them, but don't go into details. Be friendly, but keep your answers short and vague.
- Avoid talking about your feelings and weaknesses. Passive-aggressive personalities often memorize such details, even mentioned in passing, and later use them against you.
Seek help from an intermediary. This should be an objective third party HR representative, a close (but objective) relative, or a mutual friend. The bottom line is to engage a person who is trusted not only by you, but also by your passive-aggressive interlocutor.
- Before meeting with the mediator, let him or her know about your concerns. Try to look at the situation from someone else's point of view and understand what generates anger. Avoid being judgmental and try to understand the reasons for the repulsive behavior in a situation where you are trying to help.
- In a one-on-one conversation, you run the risk of hearing "Come on, it's just a joke" or "You're overreacting." That is why it is better to involve a third party.
Communicate the consequences if the person does not change behavior. Because passive-aggressive personalities act covertly, they almost always resist attempts to change their behavior. Denials, excuses, and arrow translations are just a few of the patterns.
- Regardless of the answer, state what you intend to do. It is important to give one or two harsh consequences to encourage such a person to reconsider his behavior.
- The ability to understand and outline the consequences is one of the most effective ways force the passive-aggressive person to “give in.” Properly communicated, the consequences will stop a difficult person and may change their unwillingness to cooperate.
Reinforce appropriate behavior. In the context of behavioral psychology, reinforcement refers to something you do or give to a person after they have engaged in a particular behavior. The goal of reinforcement is to increase the frequency of this behavior.
- It can mean a reward for good behavior to be kept, or a punishment for bad behavior to get rid of. Positive reinforcement is not the easiest of tasks, because negative behaviors are more noticeable than positive ones. Always try to consider good behavior so you don't miss an opportunity to reinforce it.
- For example, if a passive-aggressive person opens up and honestly expresses their feelings (“I think you behave this way with me on purpose!”), then this great sign! Fix this behavior following words: Thanks for sharing with me. I really appreciate that you can tell me how you feel."
- This will draw positive attention to good behavior, allowing you to recognize emotions. Now you can try to start an open dialogue.

If you find fault, grumble and get angry, then you will only ignite the conflict and give the person more excuses and reasons not to recognize responsibility.
By coming to terms with such behavior or accepting someone else's responsibility, you allow and encourage passive-aggressive behavior.
People who engage in this behavior often feel pride in their ability to control their emotions.

According to the American psychologist Harriet Lerner, aggression is a way of expressing anger. Even the meekest person cannot claim to be free from it, because it is an evolutionary survival mechanism. In reasonable doses, aggression is necessary to storm traffic jams, "burning" projects and intractable partners. But there are forms of it that are difficult to identify, and therefore not easy to overcome. Of these, passive aggression is the most sophisticated and destructive. Often, spouses use passive-aggressive behavior to avoid short-term conflict. But in the long run, its consequences can be more damaging to a marriage than outright aggression.

The word "passive" in Latin means "suffering". “Passive aggression really hits at its source no less than at whom it is directed,” says Galina Turetskaya, candidate psychological sciences and a practicing relationship coach. “It becomes the ground for many fears: fear of dependence on relationships, fear of rejection, intimophobia (fear of emotional intimacy), fear of facing one’s own and other people’s emotions.” This gives rise to a defensive reaction: emotional distancing, avoidance of intimacy in relationships. When a child is scared, he cries, screams, runs away, hides. An adult does almost the same thing, only puts it in “decent” forms: avoids communication, forgets, does not participate in relationships under plausible pretexts, hangs a sign “I went into myself, I won’t be back soon.” And if in social situations (at work, in the company of friends) you can still turn a blind eye to this, then in personal relationships such behavior hurts both - both the partner who does not understand anything, and the aggressor himself. This is similar to the uprising of robots: in addition to the will, an autopilot turns on in the human mind, which knows only one program - to avoid, but in such a way as not to look guilty.

DESIRE PLUS FEAR

“You can’t rely on my husband: he promises to do something, and then puts it off for a long time, invents reasons, lets everything take its course. It’s easier to pick up the suit from the dry cleaners, although he promised to do it on the way.

And for me - an extra hour with an uncomfortable case in public transport. And so in everything! - shares Larisa (32). - When there are too many such trifles, I explode, I scream. And in vain, because he didn’t seem to have done anything like that - I myself didn’t wait for his help. Becomes ashamed of the hysteria. But I want to make a fuss, because time goes by, but nothing changes.”

First of all, it is important to understand: anger, powerlessness, guilt are the most common reactions of women in relationships with a passive aggressor. Remember that you are human too and have the right to your emotions. By suppressing anger, you run the risk of becoming the same passive aggressor as he is. “Do not lead to an explosion: when faced with something that does not suit you, immediately express your reaction honestly and openly - then you can do it calmly. Formulate a problem and state it. And then offer solutions that are convenient for you, ”advises Galina Turetskaya.

The passive aggressor also wants intimacy, but the fear of addiction is stronger than the need for love. Desire plus fear is the formula for inaction. "Does not lead to good result neither reciprocal ignoring (scatter in different corners), nor irritation, nor a manifestation of increased care, says the psychologist. - It is important to remain calm and positive, showing with your appearance: I am ready for dialogue, but you will have to take a step. After all, an active position is exactly what the partner is so afraid of. Is the suit dry-cleaned? Let there and wait in the wings. Try to make an effort on yourself and not take responsibility shifted to you, do not fulfill his promises for your partner. Try to be calm about his excuses, do not try to catch him in a lie - he actually could stay at work. But even if he sat there to the bitter end, just not to go to the cinema, as you agreed, all the same excuses are the best possible for him at the moment. Over time, when the partner has experience active participation in a relationship, he will be able to take on more responsibility.

MASTERNESS TEST

Psychoanalyst and specialist in genetic psychology Dmitry Kalinsky notes that at least 70% of men show passive aggression. But women also suffer from this “disease”. After all, society prescribes us to be soft and non-conflict. Under the pressure of the stereotype of femininity or the fear of losing relationships, aggression takes on hidden forms.
“We have been meeting with Ivan for several months, and I would very much like this relationship to develop into a marriage,” admits Marina (27). But sometimes I feel that he does not understand me. Recently, knowing that I am working from home, I arrived unannounced with flowers and sweets. I couldn't explain that I couldn't make time for him, that he showed up at the wrong time and was distracting me. I took the bouquet across the threshold and excused myself with urgent work. For some reason he was offended." If a man behaved incorrectly, it would be possible to declare open war against him. But he shows care, attention, demonstrates a desire to be around - there is nothing to complain about! Then the tools of hidden aggression come into play, including tests for real men.
How often at the beginning of a relationship do you arrange “lice checks” for your partner, as if specifically demonstrating your worst sides - capriciousness, irritability, silent games, nit-picking with or without. All these are also forms of passive aggression, but of a somewhat different kind. The subconscious signal of this behavior is: "Love me like this - and then I will believe that you love me for real." But you cannot control the line beyond which a slight female bitchiness develops into aggression. It's good if your hero is experienced and patient enough to get through probation. And if not, you will soon turn into two disappointed people who never understood who was to blame and what it was. The best thing in such a situation is to turn to a psychologist to understand the reasons and eliminate distrust in a man.

DO YOU TRUST ME?

“Once I had a serious conflict at work,” recalls Evgenia (29). - The boyfriend called and asked how I felt, began to comfort, advised something. The more he talked, the more angry I became. Later I sent him an SMS that I feel bad, I will leave for some time to my parents, when I return, I will call you back. I was waiting for my beloved to rush after me, regret, hug me. But he didn't. A few days later I dialed his number and heard a distant “hello”. The former warmth disappeared somewhere, we moved away from each other.

The main effect of passive aggression is a lack of trust in a partner. Every time he wants to show his feelings, you slip away, dodge. Favorite "catches the air with his hands." And this is what causes the most irritation. If it were possible to have a heart-to-heart talk with a passive aggressor, it would become clear: he himself is not happy with such a development of relations. Why is he doing this? Gestalt therapist Natalya Kundryukova explains: “To avoid even more suffering. In many cases, this pattern (an unconsciously repetitive pattern of behavior) is formed during childhood. As a rule, in the first days and months of life, for some reason, the child failed to form an emotional connection with a significant adult. For example, the mother could not take him in her arms immediately after birth, could not breastfeed, or went to work early.” The baby did not have enough emotional and bodily contact, the basic need was not satisfied. That is why in adulthood, when trying to form close relationships, such a person unconsciously repeats his traumatic experience. Along with the desire to get closer, to receive attention and support, he experiences the fear of rejection and shame for experiencing these desires. Instead of taking a step forward, asking for help and getting it, he begins to evade.

According to Natalya Kundryukova, it is necessary to realize and live the rejection received in early childhood. Unfortunately, it is impossible to do this on your own, without the help of a therapist. It is important for a person suffering from passive aggression to understand that this way of behavior destroys both relationships with dear people and his own body. Probably the best way out is to accumulate resources (determination, hope and money) and try to work with a psychologist in the format of individual consultations. Inner pain and distrust can be experienced. Or you will have to choose a safe distance in the relationship and abandon the thought of intimacy.

How to recognize a passive aggressor

Putting things off until it's too late.

Does not fulfill promises, “forgets” about agreements, avoids emotional intimacy.

Denies, turns everything upside down, making the partner guilty.

Unclearly expresses his position, confuses traces.

Does not show attention: does not call, does not write SMS.

Sends conflicting signals: for example, talks about love, but acts in such a way that you suspect the opposite.

Never apologizes.

4 Strategies for Effectively Dealing with a Passive Aggressor by Signe Whitson, author of Evil Smile:

psychology of passive-aggressive behavior in the family and at work”:

1 Recognize signals of passive-aggressive behavior in advance: procrastination, ignoring, silence, avoiding discussion of the problem, gossip.

2 Do not give in to provocations. The subconscious goal of the passive aggressor is to piss you off. If you feel like you are starting to boil, try calmly expressing the negative: “I won’t yell, because it will only make the situation worse.”

3 Point out to the passive aggressor the anger he feels - such people ignore this particular emotion. Your opinion must be supported by a concrete fact: "I think you are angry with me now because I asked you to do something."

TEXT: Galina Turova

Passive-aggressive personalities

People with passive-aggressive personality disorder have the opposite style, which is indicative of their unwillingness to receive recognition and support from people in positions of power.

Their the main problem lies in the conflict between the desire to receive the benefits that power and resource holders bestow on, and the desire to maintain their independence. Consequently, they try to maintain relationships by becoming passive and submissive, but when they feel they have lost their independence, they subvert authority.

These people may perceive themselves as self-sufficient but vulnerable to outside intrusion. However, they are drawn to strong people and organizations because they crave social approval and support.

The desire to “join in” often clashes with the fear of being invaded and influenced by others. However, they perceive others as pushy, demanding, intrusive, controlling, and dominating. Especially often passive-aggressive personalities think this way about people in power. And at the same time they are considered capable of acceptance, support and care.

The internal hidden beliefs of a passive-aggressive person are associated with the following ideas: "It is unbearable to be controlled by others", "I have to do everything my own way", "I deserve approval for everything I did."

Their conflicts are expressed in a clash of beliefs: “I need someone with power and authority to support me and take care of me” versus: “I must protect my independence and independence”, “If I adhere to other people's rules, I lose my freedom of action” .

The behavior of such people is expressed in the postponement of actions that the authorities expect from them, or in superficial submission, but disobedience in essence. Usually such a person resists the demands of others, as in professional area as well as in personal relationships. But he does it in an indirect way: he delays work, gets offended, “forgets”, complains that she is not understood or underestimated.

The main threat and fears are associated with the loss of approval and a decrease in independence. Their strategy is to strengthen their independence through covert opposition to the people in power, while at the same time through a visible search for their patronage.

Passive-aggressive individuals try to evade or circumvent the rules through covert defiance. They are often destructive, which takes the form of late work, not attending classes, and similar behavior.

Despite this, at first glance, due to the need for approval, such people can diligently appear obedient and assuming authority. They are often passive and generally tend to take the path of least resistance, avoiding competitive situations and acting alone.

A typical emotion of passive-aggressive individuals is pent-up anger, which is associated with opposition to the rules set by the authorities. It is quite conscious and is replaced by anxiety in anticipation of repressions and under the threat of stopping the feeding of power.

Passive-aggressive people are acutely aware of everything in which they see a lack of respect or insufficient, in their opinion, assessment of their personality. If you ask for something in a harsh manner or with an absent look, they are very likely to immediately become hostile.

However, put yourself in their place: how did you react the last time your boss ordered you to do something dryly or harshly? Even if you don't object to the nature of the order, you are likely to be tempted to ignore the order because the boss's arrogant appearance and tone are irritating.

Passive-aggressive personalities often experience hidden anger, so if you are polite and friendly with them, it will make life much easier. And if your request or demand causes them discomfort, try to express sympathy and understanding of the situation in a few friendly, but respectful (by no means familiar!) Phrases.

Compare two options for communicating with a waiter. First: “What kind of service?! Couldn't it be faster?" Second: “I'm in a hurry! I see that there are a lot of customers in the restaurant, and you are up to your neck, but if you could serve me quickly, I would be grateful to you.

Of course, neither approach guarantees results. But by accepting the first one, you are likely to provoke a new passive-aggressive reaction. The waiter, even if he speeds up, will find an opportunity to “punish” you in another way: he “forgets” to bring cutlery or one of the dishes, “disappears” when you are about to pay, or seat a noisy company at the next table.

A passive-aggressive personality often expresses its aggressiveness in an indirect way, believing that it risks much less. In some cases, this actually works and reinforces the chosen behavior. But if you manage to encourage such a person to openly express his dissatisfaction, this will allow you to discuss the problem and, perhaps, find a mutually acceptable solution.

If this is a person with whom you will have to interact more than once, the tactic of ignoring his indirect aggression is not the most constructive and useful. Try not to pretend that you don't notice the dissatisfaction. If your significant other or co-worker is sulking at you, you may be tempted to keep quiet and not respond until everything is over. But, alas, in most cases this does not go away on its own.

Do not forget that passive-aggressive behavior is almost always some kind of signal or call. If you do not perceive it, the passive-aggressive type is likely to increase the power until you react in one way or another. Failure to achieve the goal often inflames such people. To push such an interlocutor to detente or switch to an open dialogue, for example, the question: “It seems to me that you are dissatisfied with something. Or I'm wrong?"

In dialogue, try not to criticize passive-aggressive people by shaping their image of parents lecturing. Otherwise, you will fall into a vicious circle of mutual revenge.

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The content of the article:

Passive aggression is a silent resistance to the speech (beliefs, actions) of your opponent, when they are not going to engage in open angry polemics with him. A person subjected to such mental pressure remains “on his mind” with his own opinion, even if it is wrong. This passive-aggressive behavior is considered mental disorder, inherent in persons who cannot openly resist someone else's judgment, are constantly irritated and look for flaws in other people.

What is a passive aggressor?

Passive aggression occurs in individuals with a weak nervous system who indifferently meet life's adversities, without even trying to somehow minimize them. Negative influence. Such people are restless and indecisive, they question everything, they are cautious on every occasion. For example, they can silently nod their heads, as if approving their opponent, but at the same time think, they say, “grounded, grounded Emel, and we'll see what happens.”

Unwillingness to solve their problems makes a person passive, trying not to run into a conflict even when it is inevitable. Such people follow the path of least resistance, preferring not to do anything, but to look from the sidelines and condemn the actions of, say, the authorities, having their own “special” opinion on everything. Such are vulnerable to external influence, which makes it possible to manipulate their consciousness and behavior.

The unwillingness to openly confront someone else's opinion causes dissatisfaction with oneself, but a person cannot do anything about it. He withdraws into himself and is very worried, becomes a grump, considers everyone around him bad, deceitful and selfish. Such people can be identified by eternal discontent, constant negative assessments of others, attempts to oppose their "passive" views to a different opinion.

It's important to know! A passive aggressor sees everyone in a black light, his people are bad, you should not trust them.

The main causes of passive aggression

The psychology of passive aggression is a little-studied phenomenon, but psychologists have found that the passive-aggressive style of behavior is less pronounced in women. In men it occurs 2 times more often.

Common Causes of Passive Aggression

Such manners are manifested in dependent people who are afraid to openly express their opinions for fear of being punished. V interpersonal relationships they feel humiliated, they are oppressed by a sense of guilt.

Let's consider all these factors in more detail. These should include:

Passivity. When, due to the weakness of their character, they evade decisive action, even to their own detriment. I don’t want to be active, it’s better to let it be. Such a person is easy to manipulate, although he may not agree with another point of view, but will not openly criticize it. The main thing is your own calmness, and therefore it is better to silently “serve” any objectionable opinion.
indecisiveness. It is associated with low self-esteem, the inability to independently solve their problems. A person is afraid to express his judgment, because he considers it immature, frivolous. If he offers his point of view, they will laugh at him. Such "downtroddenness" of oneself leads to a tacit agreement with the imposed view. In the soul there is a silent "aggression" to the opposite opinion.
Anxiety. Too suspicious in constant anxiety that everything is going wrong in life. This leads to depression. Anxious-depressive individuals fall into apathy when there is no strength to resist. In this state, they can agree to an opinion that runs counter to their own. If only they were left behind. Although a silent resistance arises in the soul against the one who “sticks” with his judgment.
Desire to look good in the eyes of others. It is characteristic of people who are indecisive. It is associated with a weakness of character, when one's judgment is hidden deep inside the soul. I will do as you say, as long as they say good things about me. Such conformism often hides passive aggression, anger does not come out so that others do not think badly about the person.
credulity. When the tendency to trust borders on the naivete of a child. A person does not even think about what can happen to him if he agrees with someone else's opinion, which is sharply different from his own. He simply believes in his word, and this leads to the manipulation of his consciousness.
Fear of negative experiences. I do not agree with another opinion, but if I speak against it, I will get a bunch of negative emotions. Why should they? It is better to silently accept a different judgment, but on occasion always have your own “special” point of view. A kind of silently aggressive, irritable personality.
Psychological addiction. A person is dependent, for example, on his employer. He "presses", imposes his point of view, although it is completely unacceptable, but you need to agree with it, otherwise you can lose your job. So a person becomes in the "pose" of a silent aggressor.
Vague self-awareness. When everything around is perceived as devoid of clarity, alienated. With such a perception, a different opinion is perceived uncritically, although it may differ sharply from one's own.
Love for pleasure. A person has his own position, but the craving for pleasure makes him restrain in his judgments, as this can affect his image. In such cases, he will confine himself to "cautious aggression", silently or secretly condemning people who impose their point of view on him.
Impressionability. Often combined with suspiciousness and gullibility. Overly impressionable quite often sacrifice their opinion to another. Realizing that they did wrong, they get annoyed, but hide their anger behind passive aggression - harsh words against the person who imposed their position on them.
Greed. Too greedy cover up their disagreement with someone with quiet aggression - they do not clearly express their anger, as they are afraid to speak out publicly against the person on whom they depend, for example, material well-being.
overconfidence. Those who are too self-confident can act recklessly, without consulting relatives and friends, then they get upset, blaming the whole world for their failures. Realizing that they are wrong, they hide their dissatisfaction behind passive aggression, for example, in a close circle discussing the people who made them make the wrong decision.

It's important to know! Passive-aggressive people often become unsuccessful in their personal lives and professional activities.

What pushes men to quiet aggression?

Why men become silent aggressors depends on many factors. First of all, this is due to the character formed under the influence of a weak nervous system. Let's say a person glosses over a problem or leaves it in obscene jokes. This happens because he is afraid to express his point of view, so as not to run into trouble, although he is not averse to scandal. Well, if education affects such behavior, common culture personality. However, this is not always the case.

To recognize passive aggression in men, you need to know the signs of passive-aggressive behavior. These may include:

speaks badly of everyone. He is afraid to be angry openly, he shows his discontent secretly. Like in the joke about the lion and the hare. They were sitting in a restaurant, the lion got drunk and banged his fist on the table, they say, now I'll show you how to disagree with me. The hare got frightened and ran away. At home, he tightly closed all the windows and also banged his fist on the table: “You won’t scare me!”
Lack of initiative. When he silently listens and agrees with everything. Although he has his own opinion, he is afraid to express it due to his weakness of character. Such a person always tries to shift responsibility to others, often lies, apologizes for nothing.
Optional. He never fulfills the promise, having started work, he can quit with words that he will finish later. And this "after" will drag on for a long time. On proposals to do something, he reacts weakly, they say, all this is nonsense, nothing will work out. In such actions and words lies the uncertainty in one's own actions, which is covered by hidden aggression, opposition to one's opponent.
Sexophobia. An insecure man is afraid of women, he does not know how to talk to them, he is afraid, for example, to hear a harsh word from them addressed to him. He hides his quiet aggression towards the female sex behind bravura behavior, often accompanied by the words that they are all such and such, you should not communicate with them.
Modesty at home. Such a person does not like to attract too much attention to himself. His behavior does not cause any complaints, the quiet-aggressive type does bad things to people with a smile. Such an innocent sheep.
limp character. Does not take the initiative, seeks to hide behind someone else's back, often it is female. Completely under the heel of the mother or wife, they solve all domestic problems for him. At work, we are dependent on our superiors, we always agree with them in everything. Even if you don't think so at all. Because of this, he constantly feels guilty, but does not "resist evil with violence." All his resistance turns into quiet aggression: bad reviews, say, about the boss or neighbor.
Alcoholism, substance abuse. A striking example of the passive aggression of men is the passion for alcohol or all sorts of "manias", for example, drug addiction. Complexity, fear of openly declaring one's position, entering into a public dispute, make one worry. A person seems to himself a coward, in order to look brave, he begins to use intoxicating things. In a state of intoxication, he feels a surge of strength. Then he will show those who do not consider him! And when he sobers up, aggressiveness disappears, he is again quieter than water below the grass.
heartlessness. A man suffers so much from his worthlessness, fear of showing himself, that he has no time for others. He simply forgets that he is surrounded by people who want good participation for themselves. They never apologize if they did something awkward. And why, he (she) will survive anyway.
Never clearly expresses his position. She is always hazy and vague. Today there may be one opinion, and after a while - a completely different one. It all depends on the environment in which it is located.
Behaving inconsistently. Yesterday he said one thing, and today it’s completely different, he acts depending on the situation, adapts to the momentary opinion.

It's important to know! A passive-aggressive man is an immature, weak-willed and lack of initiative person who cannot properly dispose of the abilities given to him by nature, and therefore covers up his passivity with hidden aggression towards active, active people.

The woman is the silent aggressor

Passive aggression in women is much less common than in men. The fair sex, getting into an unpleasant situation, tries to throw out negative emotions, noisily reacting to criticism in his address. This is due to the peculiarities of the emotional sphere. However, such a character trait as, for example, caution, makes you refrain from a sharp assessment of your interlocutor.

Let us consider in more detail what character traits help a woman to restrain her anger, translating it into a channel of quiet aggression. These should include:

The ability to think about the consequences. They say that women are very emotional, at first they scream, swear, and then they begin to comprehend what they have done. But this is not a completely correct judgment. Many representatives of the weaker sex respond quite adequately in a critical situation for them. And they hold back their negative emotions, ready to break from their lips with screams and abuse. Because they understand that the consequences of such behavior can affect their, say, career. It’s better to restrain yourself and not “paraffinize” your boss, but to express all the barbs against him in a narrow circle, when there is confidence that these words will not cause undesirable consequences.
Flattery. Someone famous said that "flattery is aggression on your knees." If a person flatters a lot, it means that he hates, but is afraid to openly talk about it, hiding his hatred under the mask of obsequiousness. To a greater extent, this behavior is inherent in women. Suppose she is afraid of the man with whom her life has come together, and hides her true attitude towards him with excessive praise. In fact, she lives in a humble position.
Humility. Excessive obedience has never been good quality both men and women. A submissive person is like a doormat, on which anyone can wipe their feet. This gives rise to aggression, which, due to the nature of his nature, a person cannot express publicly. Laureate Nobel Prize The writer Elias Canetti (1905-1994) owns the expression that “The one who fulfills the order needs some kind of compensation. Obedience breeds aggression."
Eternal discontent. If a woman is dissatisfied with everything around her, she constantly condemns everyone, speaks of people with disdain. He masks his aggression towards the outside world in negative statements.
Flawed Self-Consciousness. When any remark hurts women's pride, the lady is capable of any bad deed, but she is afraid to openly do it, "no matter how something happens." Aggression turns into a quiet, completely harmless form, often hiding behind verbal "secret" attacks towards the offender.
Self dissatisfaction. She is dissatisfied with her actions, she understands this, but she cannot help herself. The accumulated irritation breaks down on others, expresses itself in relation to them in an aggressive form, but within the framework of decency. It is not accompanied by screams, tears and beating, for example, dishes. This calms and gives a false sense of superiority over their imaginary enemy.
Jealousy. Let's say a friend to a loved one. Or at work they praise the comrade, not her. There is envy, but you do not want to openly break off relations. How will others react? On this basis, quiet aggression arises, which can be expressed in exaggerated praising of a girlfriend. Unfriendliness to her diligently hides.
Low self-esteem. From childhood, the girl in the family was humiliated, spoke badly about her. She resigned herself to such an assessment of her personality, she was afraid to openly oppose it. With age, the feeling of inferiority firmly settled in the soul. The girl grew up insecure, fearful, deeply hiding the germs of aggression in her heart, considering the world cruel and unfair. Therefore, he condemns him in his statements.

It's important to know! From a psychological point of view, passive aggression is useful. Since it is a kind of spiritual fulcrum, which gives hidden feeling superiority over those who voluntarily or involuntarily offend. However, you need to understand that this is typical for people who are physically and spiritually weak.

What to do if there is a passive aggressor nearby?

How to resist passive aggression if you know that your friends, for example, treat you kindly in words, but pour mud behind your back? What should be done to avoid unpleasant communication with them, or maybe it is necessary to interrupt it forever? Tips here may vary.

In this case, the fight against passive aggression depends primarily on the realization of the fact that there are people in your environment who suffer from this mental defect. If this understanding comes, then a number of measures should be taken to get rid of the influence of these people. Let's talk frankly with them.

However, there may be another option when you yourself suffer from such a disorder. And what then needs to be done, how to deal with passive aggression so as not to disturb your own peace, your loved ones and friends?

First of all, I need to figure out why this person makes me feel uncomfortable. Who is to blame for this, perhaps I give him a reason to speak unflatteringly about me. Also, you should not judge other people for their actions if they do not concern you directly. “And who cares where the spray will fly?”. This is to the fact that it is not at all necessary to react nervously to something that does not affect you personally.

To know how to get rid of passive aggression, you need to understand that it is the lot of the weak in spirit. Here various psychological trainings on work on character, for example, on introspection and correction of one's actions.

Envy is not the best adviser in life. English proverb says that "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." When they envy others, speaking angrily or unctuously about them, they destroy their own lives. Because any aggression, whether open or quiet, underlies destruction, not creation.

And we must remember that we must never destroy the joy of others. Even if it seems to you a trifle. Let people rejoice if it pleases them. And pouring your “spoon” of causticity into someone else’s “barrel” of delight is evil. Such involuntary aggression, even if said in a completely harmless way, is the key to a bad relationship.

Passive aggressors are usually losers. No need to buy a ticket for the unlucky car. In such a good life you won't leave.

What is passive aggression - look at the video:

Sigmund Freud said that "the other person is always an object for the satisfaction of his aggressiveness." But this is for a morally immature person. Only spiritual work on oneself will help to avoid all the troubles associated with passive aggression.