We all need to make tough choices sometimes. We ask ourselves questions: what is better to choose, how to make the right choice, and what if? .. We find a lot of answers and still cannot decide.
These questions also tormented me and tore me apart until I heard the phrase:
“Before, he could not make a choice, because he did not know what would happen next. Now he knows what will happen and therefore cannot make a choice. © Mr. Nobody
These words of the protagonist of the film "Mr. Nobody" became an insight for me. This is brilliant: it is difficult for us to choose, not because we do not know what will happen, but because it is difficult for us to refuse something. Choice is always giving up something in favor of an alternative. No matter how much you think, how much you don't weigh and calculate the moves, it's easier not to become. Something has to be given up anyway.
You will say that sometimes we choose between what is and what is new. I don't agree. Even if we choose what we already have, for example, to stay at this job instead of changing to a new one, we still choose for mythical prospects. Otherwise, if everything was good, the question of choice would not stand.
Let me explain in more detail, we want to change something in life when we don’t like it. For example, work. The boss is a goat, there is no career growth, the salary was lowered due to the crisis, naturally there is a desire to change the situation. And we start looking for a job, and then the merciful Universe gives us such an opportunity, we are invited for an interview, one another ...
And here there are two options: either we choose between new offers and here we can only imagine what opportunities and privileges we will have in a particular company. And by choosing one, we give up the prospects of the other. That is, We are afraid of losing what we do not have.
There is another option, when the employer somehow senses that we can leave and promises to improve conditions. Important detail, improvement is only being discussed so far, in practice they are not yet. And here again we fall into this trap. “Damn, what to choose? If the boss does what he says, then I’m not bad here either, although there are more prospects at that job, it’s more interesting, but there is a strange team and further from home ... ”And that’s it ... it started. We live again about what we have not yet.
And on the one hand, it is precisely by wanting to have what we do not yet have that we grow and develop, and on the other hand, we suffer in a situation of choice. Where does this Plushkin live in each of us?
But he definitely is, look at your apartment right now and think, what of what is in the closets, on the balcony or mezzanines, is it time to throw it away ?? I'm sure there is something for everyone. Going through the closet, we put ourselves in front of a choice: to keep or throw away? So what is the difficulty? Too bad to throw it away?
No, it's a pity, not because this thing is useful to us, but because it can be useful! That is, again, this is the unwillingness to lose the opportunity, to lose what is not. After all, in fact, we do not use this thing , in the near future we will definitely not need it, Otherwise, the question of ejection would not stand. So, maybe someday...
Why is it so hard to give up something? It seems to us that if we give it up now, we will never be able to return this chance back. There are even a lot of films that revolve around the same theory: such a chance is given only once in a lifetime, and if you do not use it, then you are a fool!
I beg to differ. Quite recently, I discovered this way of dealing with difficult choices . So, let's think logically: if in each option there is something that I do not want to give up, then this extremely valuable to me ! It is very important to determine what is so valuable in this proposal. What prospect do we see for ourselves, what desire or need do we want to satisfy? Once we understand this, it becomes much clearer.
Before making a choice, especially a responsible and important one, a person goes through a painful period of doubt. Throwing about how to do right choice between one and the other can become unbearable and last too long. So long that it already turns back from the process. If there was some simple and perfect way to make the right choice, then it would be ... Oh, how easy it would be to live then!
- Why is it so difficult to choose between one and the other?
- How to overcome doubts and still make the right one, important choice in life? What to rely on?
In response to the question “how to make an important choice?” there will always be a cunning person who will offer a quick and easy solution: for example, toss a coin, tell fortunes on chamomile petals, or buy a ball that, after being shaken, gives the answer. As if such a choice could be the right one. We know that this does not happen - the doubts that torment from the inside will not make it possible to get rid of the process so easily. Can they be removed with a coin? Not! Then what to appease them? How not just to make the right choice, but the choice without painful doubts? That is exactly the question we will answer in this article.
Why is it so difficult to make the right choice in life?
If I knew where you would fall, I would lay straws
The problem of the correctness of the choice lies ... tram-pa-pa-ra-ram, who would have thought - in human psychology. What did you think? That it directly depends on what you choose between what and what? Well, no, everything is much deeper and more complicated. The problem is that prevents us from making this very choice- why doubts are so painful that they are a real stupor. There is something wrong with this.
The best way to understand why it is so difficult to make the right choice in favor of anything is with the help of systems-vector psychology Yuri Burlan. This science identifies 8 psychotypes - vectors. One of them can make a person doubt all the time. This is an anal vector, you can learn more about it, and.
A person with an anal vector has some innate desires, one of which is the desire to perfect quality. He wants everything to be not just “good”, but “excellent”. The slightest blemish leads to disappointment, I want to redo it all over again. If this fails, the person often suffers for the rest of his life. For example, he glues wallpaper and somewhere in one place it didn’t work out very well - a small inconsistency appeared. Another will easily forget about it and will not pay attention, the third will generally put a sofa or cover it with a picture. But only not anal - he will know and remember this mistake, blot, he will not be able to forget it, she will always be a thorn in his eye.
Such a desire for the ideal normally has a very positive impetus to development. anal person. He is an excellent student at school, at the institute, does not allow himself to be lazy. He can become a professional in his field or even, when combined with other vectors, an encyclopedia person, like Alexander Druz, for example. But things don't always work out so perfectly. Sometimes an anal person is not given this skill in childhood - to bring it to the ideal. Insecure by nature, he becomes the opposite of a professional - full of doubts and worries. Having no support, he constantly rushes from one to another and often even the simplest questions cannot decide what to say, in order to make a difficult choice - this is a stop, a stupor. Doubt seems to preserve it. Significantly worsens the situation and a bad first experience.
Doubt about the norm is the right choice based on well-remembered experiences, both negative and positive. Doubt is not normal - it is throwing from side to side, when the experience is completely leveled, as a support for the right choice in life.
Only the experience of a person, as well as the experience of previous generations, can be a support in order to minimize their own mistakes. It is the anal person who knows this better than others, his whole psyche is directed towards the past. He loves history, he remembers his childhood and youth well, in detail.
But not being able to rationally use his best quality of life, the anal man directs all his energy to a bad experience - he gets hung up on insults, events where he made a bitter mistake. At the same time, positive experiences are neglected and not remembered. Then this experience does not become a support for a person, but is an even greater factor of stupor. At the moment when it is necessary to make a difficult choice in life, a person in fact does not have a positive experience, but only a negative one, which, of course, tells him that everything can only be bad.
People often talk about such people - pessimists. And this is not surprising, because they are always sure that nothing will work out. So prompts them accumulated negative experience.
Doubts away - how to make a choice between the two?
No one can ever make mistakes in their life. We do not have such an opportunity. However, you can learn to make the right choice in life and make fewer mistakes. Today, such a skill is given in the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. Understanding the peculiarities of his anal vector, his character, his inner subconscious motives of actions, any person can adjust his life so that life is not painfully ashamed and difficult, but pleasant and joyful.
Have you received a gift for which you thanked through gritted teeth, and after some time realized how lucky you were with this thing? Often, we do not immediately assess the significance of events in our lives correctly.
How to learn to make the right decisions, giving that really deserves it, in view of his ability Mmany things can look tempting, and it's not so easy to figure out which ones to focus on now and which ones to postpone - maybe right up to the next life. You can't be two different people at the same time, just like you can't be in two different places.
perspective
The most important thing here is the ability to see things in perspective. Role momentary sensations is also important, sometimes we set them as our goal. However, more often than not, something else is more important - what happens to us. after. After we talked to this person. Ate this food. We watched the movie. Have done something. The meaning and influence of various events on us is manifested only over time.
You know the popular comforter “Think about it, will you remember this in 5 years?” The secondary immediately fades into the background, and the main thing remains in sight. But sometimes we are so absorbed happening with us that we forget to answer this question.
With regard to perspective, it is worth remembering its two dimensions: depth and finiteness.
Depth
What does this mean in terms of scale? all life? Yes, our life is not one day, but each one taken separately reflects it in its entirety in one way or another. Do you want your whole life to be like this? Would you choose this for yourself for the rest of your life? How will this affect your future, because with this choice you will live on? By answering these questions while making a decision, you will show that you care about yourself.
Limb
And this is a common method to think about death, to remember about human life. Steve Jobs shared his experience of using it in his famous speech to Stanford graduates.
Our being is not endless number of days. We rarely think about it, because it is not easy to understand and accept the fact of our mortality. That the day will come when we are gone. And the sun will continue to rise in the morning, the birds will sing, but for someone else. Yes, it’s not easy to even think about it, let alone feel it! However, it is very effective. After all exactly limitation something makes it so valuable. In this case, it's our time. And fully aware of this, we will make the right choice in life much more often.
Observation
The next moment is probably already familiar to you. Listen to yourself. This is a skill that can and should be developed. For some, this can be very difficult, because for observations need to freeze for a while. Then it will be possible to realize how something affects you. Knowing whether something particular is beneficial or harmful to you is very valuable.
Everyone has their own gradation of sensations that cause certain phenomena: “bad”, “normal”, “good”, “yes, this is just my heaven on earth”! In addition to evaluation amenities there is another side to the experience. Like this affects on us, who do we become as a result?
There are things that are incredibly seductive, but we can easily see that contact with them pulls us down.
And if we do not see, then others will tell us about it. Therefore, it is important to distinguish what level of pleasure you experience - sincere elation and enthusiasm, or mere pleasure, in which there is even something animal.
Watching still stands for what brings you satisfaction, evokes the emotion of meaning, fullness. It usually happens when you know something was done right and you feel good about it. After all, we all want to be needed, useful, one way or another, so this criterion will help you figure out what is truly important for you.
learning to see
Sometimes things turn out differently. Something at first causes us bewilderment: “Why do I need this?”, And only then, knowing and appreciating we find ourselves filled with gratitude. Moreover, it does not have to be some kind of misfortune, which then suddenly and unexpectedly turns into happiness. No, rather something, at first sight insignificant and
It usually becomes clear pretty quickly what's what. After all, the wolf does not need so much time to throw off the sheep's skin, if he is one. With positive events that happen unexpectedly, in the same way. Unless we ourselves prevent them from revealing themselves to us in all their beauty by complaining about our own. We thought that this is good for us, but we got something else, maybe even better, but we don’t want to admit it, because first we need to figure out why our(albeit more modest) desires were ignored.
Sometimes we are too passionate about protecting our own to accept: in fact, we are much more fortunate than we expected. But when this finally happens, our hearts are filled with joy, and our souls are filled with gratitude. Appreciate these unplanned events. The things that came suddenly and made you happy. This will help you better recognize the situations that lead to them in the future and make the right choices in life.
Self-knowledge
What other skills will come in handy when you need to make a choice, what to give your attention and time to? First of all, this. Exactly knowledge, because we talked about knowledge above - what brings you satisfaction, joy, etc. Cognition is open process. This means you know something, but you never promise. You are always ready to try on new ideas about yourself.
After all, our tastes and preferences change over time, and you can discover traits and predispositions in yourself that you did not notice before. Until some events, for example, pull them out. You may suddenly realize what you would like to do. Such knowledge, even at the level of a dream, is already a great happiness, if this knowledge is genuine. When you know, and every day, it will be easy for you to make the right choice in your life, no matter what it is about.
open approach
Such an open approach should be applied to other areas of life, not only the image of oneself. No wonder the slogan “you’ll never know” is so popular: until something happens, you will never know what it is, how it is, and what it can lead to.
Of course everyone has personal experience, knowledge of yourself and your preferences, but you can’t enter the same water twice. Every time it's a little different. So when possible, don't reject a new offer right away - give it a little time to prove itself and help you feel whether you need it or not. it good habit At least because the ability to make the right choice is closely related to slowness. This does not mean that you take two days, lock yourself in a room and make endless lists of pros and cons. 🙂
No, so you're saying that quality in life, quantity is more important to you. And what you .
Flexibility
To make the right choice, it is important to be able to calmly accept. You can't cook scrambled eggs without breaking eggs! To , you must first invest something. To hear yes, you need to have the strength to go through a certain amount of no. Losses are inevitable.
By accepting this and not considering it “in vain”, we become truly flexible and able to make the right choice in the most incredible life circumstances.
Respect important
The essence of being able to make good choices comes down to understanding what is important to you in life and respecting it. Pay attention to your own values. Not "for show" or to be moral - you personally need this. In order to live your life in such a way that it would not be a pity to part with it or exchange it, when the time comes, for the next one. Let it be good, even better - but different. because this your life lived.The right choice you always make themselves. Tips, opinions, views of others can help. But not what will make it per you - Choices in life are easier to make when you know what options are available.
The only right choice that I want to make a priori for you is self-respect. It's hard to live when you don't respect yourself. It’s hard to build relationships with people when you can’t treat them with respect - but how else when you don’t respect yourself. It's hard to believe in someone good relationship to yourself.
So if you don't know where to start when making any important choice, start here: respect yourself.
And that means respecting the things that are important to you. Take the necessary time to figure it out, you have a right to it. And while you are doing this, others will wait without question.
Natural or fruity? Bio or conventional? Is the package big or small? AT glassware Or in plastic cups? It is impossible to count the number of questions our brains must answer before reaching for four small raspberry yoghurts in colorful packaging. And no study has yet established how many times we have to do this exercise before we fill the cart!
But it is worth thinking about it - and it becomes clear why sometimes going to the store is so tiring for us. And why are there days when we don’t have the strength to decide what blouse to wear to work, or to figure out what exactly we want for breakfast…
Where one person sees a choice, another does not notice it.
We are forced to make a variety of decisions every minute. Our selection starts with a simple purchase of yoghurts, but extends to such important things as a life partner, profession, conceiving a child, political beliefs, mortgage for the purchase of an apartment for a period of 15-20 years ...
We make many other decisions that are not as significant, but cause vague anxiety: whether to get a flu shot, whether to transfer a child to another school, whether to change doctors, whether to break unwritten rules.
It's hard to choose. Let's try to figure out what a choice is and how we make it. And also take a few steps to learn how to make informed decisions.
We are afraid to lose everything
It often happens that where one person sees a choice, another does not notice it. For example, for some of us, the words of the boss are something that is not discussed, that does not allow one's choice, a different position. Others consider commandments, humanity, common sense to be the criterion of truth - and then options are possible. “But there was one who did not shoot,” Vysotsky sang. So there is a choice even where we do not see it - we cannot or do not want to.
“The choice lies in what we are already really doing,” writes psychotherapist Elena Kalitievskaya. “It all seems that we are still choosing, that we are still on the threshold, but in fact we have already chosen and live ...”
When a decision is made, the uncertainty goes away - out of several options, one remains. Sometimes it can be replayed without any consequences, more often it cannot. In this case, we take the choice more seriously and choose more precisely, in contrast to the situation when the decision is reversible. But in both cases, we lose something. It is this inevitable moment of loss that causes our anguish. Because of it, we often perceive the need to decide as a burden, trying with all our might to avoid the choice, or at least delay it.
Who really chooses?
The question is not idle. Often it is not the one who is responsible for disentangling the consequences that commits it: well-meaning parents do it for the child, a caring husband for his wife, a leader for the people. When it has already been decided for us, we often perceive it with gratitude. And yet, the worst service that can be rendered to a neighbor is to relieve him of responsibility for life choices.
Of course, it will be easier for him to live, only he will not invest himself in the implementation of decisions not made by him. And as a result, life will pass by, will not become his own for him. This happens quite often: for some of us, the suffering of the heroes of television series is brighter and more authentic than everything that happens to us ourselves. But in order to use the chance given to us and live our own, and not someone else's life, we must make decisions and make and correct mistakes ourselves.
What are the elections
Existential choice is a situation where alternatives and criteria are not predetermined. We must move forward, not knowing what other opportunities will meet along the way and how to compare them. This is how we choose a profession or life partner.
There are situations in which it seems easier to choose. This happens when the alternatives and criteria are obvious and we just have to carefully solve the problem that has the correct answer. For example, choose one of the routes around the city, taking into account the situation with traffic jams.
Another case is more complicated: the alternatives are known, but they can be compared by different grounds. Which one is important for us? An example is any shopping. Say, when buying clothes, beauty, price, color, practicality, originality, etc. are important - but what is still more important? There is no clear answer...
How rationally do we choose?
No matter how hard we try to build decisions on purely rational grounds, we deceive ourselves, - says psychologist Daniel Kahneman, professor at Princeton University (USA). This process is always intervened by irrational assumptions and prejudices that generate errors in our reasoning.
Thus, Kahneman showed that we are much more sensitive to losses than to gains: the pain of losing $20 is more acute than the joy of gaining it. We are afraid of plane crashes, even though they happen 26 times less often than car accidents, because reports of them are accompanied by impressive, memorable images, unlike accidents, information about which is presented in dry numbers.
In the process of choosing, we convince ourselves that most people would do the same in our place, and no real facts can change our minds. It turns out that it is impossible to accurately calculate “how it will actually be”, we just unconsciously “adjust” the solution to a ready-made answer, prompted by intuition, our many beliefs and prejudices. Whether they are right or not is up to you.
And how to choose right?
This is perhaps main question. Answer: There is no right choice. “Our life is completed only once,” states the writer Milan Kundera, “and therefore we will never be able to determine which of our decisions was right and which was false. In this situation, we can decide only once, and we are not given any second, third, fourth life in order to be able to compare different solutions.
We can only say whether decision good or bad in terms of satisfaction with it, but we cannot determine whether it was better or worse, because even a decision that is good in its consequences may not be the best at all, and a bad decision can be the lesser of evils. It is not uncommon to choose between bad and very bad. Economic reforms Yegor Gaidar had many negative consequences, it's hard to argue with that. But was it at that moment the best option? None of his passionate critics names such an option.
Possible error
If it is impossible to make the right choice, does this mean that we do not care what to choose? No, it doesn't. The choice cannot be right or wrong, but it can be good or bad, and the line between them is drawn in our minds.
No choice can be made absolutely rationally; irrational, uncalculable components also play an important role in it. We have a chance to do a good choice, if we admit that there is no one objectively correct solution and you can make a mistake with any option. In this case, we act at our own peril and risk. We take responsibility, recognize the decision as our own and invest in the implementation of what we have chosen. And in case of failure, we do not regret, but we extract experience and learn from our mistakes.
If we are convinced that there is only one objective the right decision, and we believe in the possibility of rationally “calculating” it, believing that everything will somehow happen by itself, we are making a bad choice. So many of us vote for the "right" candidate in an election, and then "lie on the stove" until the next one. If our expectations are not met, we are likely to blame everyone around us except ourselves and feel disappointed, annoyed, resentful.
Making a good choice is difficult because it requires effort, energy and the ability to choose. The prominent 17th-century English philosopher John Locke wrote that people so often make bad choices precisely because, having a good idea of the immediate, especially pleasant consequences, they are much less able to assess the distant, often not so bright, prospects.
And yet, some of us make decisions so quickly that there is an illusion of lightness and spontaneity. Those who have experience in making decisions, including moral ones, who know how to put forward and evaluate arguments “for” and “against”, who seek to see the long-term consequences of their decision, make a more accurate choice even in the most difficult situations.
Is it possible to choose a faith?
The conscious decisions we have made in the past determine what we believe now, says philosopher Julian Bagini on his blog: “At any given moment, of course, we do not choose what to believe. But we can choose to do our best to overcome our destructive tendency to believe what is convenient to believe and develop the habit of believing only well-founded statements.
Then faith will be the result of thinking about what arguments are convincing, how much we are ready to doubt our motives and analyze them. Our decisions become freer when they involve the ability to reflect and compare. We cannot decide whether or not to believe in God, but we can decide how much we will consider uncomfortable facts and false motives. And in this sense, we are responsible for what we believe.”
Perfect Choice
To make it, you need to go through and weigh all possible alternatives. But most often this is impossible, since this process requires a lot of time and energy - the psychological costs of the process itself grow faster than the benefits of enumeration of options. American psychologists Sheena Iyengar and Mark Lepper proved this with this example.
When customers were offered a choice of 24 types of jam, the majority, even after trying all the options, left the store with nothing. They just couldn't choose. When the choice was limited to six jars, jam was bought ten times more often. So the abundance of alternatives and the desire for perfection of choice leads, alas, to negative results.
American social psychologist Barry Schwartz believes that in such situations, part of us (he calls such people maximizers) always strives not to miss a single option and collects comprehensive information before making a decision. The other part (optimizers), having gone through a number of alternatives, draws a line: they choose from what they managed to see and evaluate. Who do you think is happier and more successful in life?
"There are always several correct choices"
Yulia Latynina, journalist
I think there is no right choice in the full sense of the word. That is, there are always several correct choices. The main thing for us is not to do incorrect choice. For example, if I began to study physics, I would hardly have made the wrong choice in life - it would be terribly interesting. But if I was engaged in prostitution, it would be the wrong choice.
If doubts prevail, even tossing a coin on heads or tails - in the absence of other criteria - is not so stupid: according to classical game theory, in the absence of information the best way decision making is a random choice. How to choose a partner for life? As well as life path- freely. Or overcoming what makes us unfree.
But even if we made an unsuccessful choice, we should not be upset because of this - it is better to think about what to do next. There is a rule that the pilots once told me about: if an emergency occurs on the plane, then the main thing is not to worry about why it happened, but to land the plane.
Immutability or Uncertainty
Any choice ultimately comes down to a choice between immutability and the unknown, the outstanding psychologist Salvatore Maddi proves in his works. A step into the unknown gives rise to anxiety, but also gives a chance to find meaning. The choice of immutability reduces anxiety, but generates guilt for unrealized opportunities.
In insignificant situations, the new, the unknown is chosen by those who are distinguished by a meaningful attitude to life, resilience, and optimism. It seems that those who find the strength to choose an unknown future have much greater personal resources.
In the case of a key life choice, such as choosing a life partner, Barry Schwartz suggests that it be final from the very beginning: your choice could have been better, it's a recipe for suffering."
Learn to choose
It's necessary! In order to make a decision in which we will not be disappointed, we must clearly define our goal, understand our desires, collect and evaluate the available information. The main thing at the same time is not what exactly we choose, but how we make this choice - consciously or spontaneously. In the first case, there is a real inner work, in the second - intuition or simply the desire to "not bathe."
We have a different attitude to the choice: some are happy when it is, others would prefer to receive a ready-made answer. The ability to meaningfully decide for oneself and for oneself reflects the maturity of a person, his adulthood. Children do not really know how to choose. Of course, they know perfectly well what they want at the moment, but they cannot even take into account the slightly delayed consequences of their decisions. This skill comes with age, when the willingness to choose is gradually formed.
Choice in and of itself is neither good nor bad. It expands our possibilities, but does everyone need it? Increasing quantity options at the same time it means an increase in responsibility and demands on the one who makes the choice. An adult is not happier than a child, just as a queen is not happier than a pawn. It's just that his happiness is much more in his own hands.
“Give children the opportunity to try everything to the maximum”
Tatyana Bednik, psychologist
In order to help your child learn what he really likes, it is important to give him the opportunity to try as many as possible. various options, explains developmental psychologist Tatyana Bednik. Tatyana Bednik works as a psychologist at the school and the Moscow Center for psychological help children and teenagers. She is the author of the training Effective communication parents with children.
Psychologies: At what age do children learn to choose?
Tatyana Bednik: Even the smallest children make a choice many times a day, but so far it is intuitive, emotional. From the age of two, they can distinguish the taste of foods well and, therefore, can choose what they like. By the age of five or six, they develop addictions to certain colors and, therefore, there are preferences in clothing. By the age of 10–12, conscious moral decisions and actions can be expected from a teenager: doing this is good, and doing this is bad.
Why should children be taught this?
The child is conservative by nature. If he eats pasta every day, and one day he is offered a choice between pasta and, for example, cauliflower, he will inevitably vote for pasta! But it will be a tribute to habit, not a choice. Therefore, it is important that parents give children the opportunity to get acquainted with other options - gently, delicately, spurring their natural curiosity, attracting attention. Only in this way will children be able to understand what they like more and choose exactly that.
How to teach a child to choose?
Paradoxically, learning to do this goes through a stage of coercion. It is necessary that the child try both borscht and fish soup, so that he can find out what he likes best. Even if it is not in fashion now, we must put children in front of necessity. In this case, we are talking, say, about the fact that today for lunch is just such a dish. And tomorrow will be completely different. And only after that he will be able to ask for what he likes more - when he finds out himself, when he stops "choosing" the usual. This science is comprehended day by day!