We have stood at a crossroads so many times in our lives that it seems that we should have already developed our own, accurate and win-win decision-making method. But no - no matter what choice we face, we still rush from corner to corner, doubt and do not sleep at night - it is difficult to fall asleep when the further development of events depends on your “yes” or “no”. Of course, each case is unique and it is quite difficult to give general recommendations for those who do not know what to opt for, but we will try to help you understand the situation and yourself, so that you can take the decision-making process more calmly.
Settle in new job or not? Try your luck in another city or stay in your own? Buying new shoes or saving money for a vacation? These and other questions torment us every day. Moreover, the subject of choice does not have to be serious and life-determining in order to fill all our thoughts. We can be equally worried about insignificant little things, and about things on which our future depends. And, as a rule, we spend much more mental energy not thinking about what choice to make, but tormenting and tormenting about this. “Eh, if I knew what this or that decision of mine would entail,” you think doomly, because you understand that you are not given the chance to lift the veil of the secrets of the future. And you begin to worry even more, fearing that by saying “yes” where it was necessary to say “no”, you will break your own life once and for all: “What if I regret it? What if I don't understand something now? Maybe my friends are right, who advise to agree, and not me, inclined to refuse? " And you start to panic, you think that it would be better if this choice did not stand in front of you at all, even if everything remained in its place and you would not worry so much ...
Relax! In such a state, not a single person is capable of making a deliberate and balanced decision, and all your further actions will most likely be dictated by emotions and excitement, but not by common sense.
Take a deep breath and exhale several times, open the window slightly to let into the room Fresh air smells of coming spring more and more, and get ready to follow our advice. Perhaps today you will give yourself the answer to the question that torments you.
Tune in to a positive mood.
First, let go of the fear of doing something wrong by saying to yourself: “Whatever decision I make, it will be right anyway, because this is my path and my choice. I will be able to cope with all the difficulties that arise along the way. I will be happy because I can finally start acting instead of just thinking and doubting. " And believe me - all this is true, it will be so.
Explore the perspective
When making a choice, you should have as much information as possible about its subject. For example, you are in doubt whether to move to a metropolis for permanent residence. It might be worth staying in hometown? Try to figure out the advantages and disadvantages of both options. Ask knowledgeable people average wages and rental prices in the city of your dreams, and also wonder if you will spend more on the move than you can earn in the first months of living in a new place? Of course, long-term investments are good, but a smart businessman always thinks about possible risks.
Of course, long-term investments are good, but a smart businessman always thinks about possible risks.
Trust your intuition
This method contradicts what we will talk about further, but how many people - so many opinions, so choose (well, what is it, and here you have to choose!), Which is closer to you. So, trust your intuition and ask yourself, “What decision will make me happy right now? What will make me feel confident and protected? " You will see, the correct answer will come to mind. Further, of course, the mind will “refine” it, winding up a bunch of doubts and the usual “what if”, but you will, as they say, with your heart feel where you are drawn more.
Cold calculation
Well, here there is no question of any intuition, everything is decided by dry facts, but perhaps this is what you - excited and agitated - just need right now. This method is probably familiar to you: you take a sheet of paper, a pen and write down the pros and cons of each option, and then evaluate what is a serious disadvantage and what can be tolerated. The same goes for the benefits: some of them will significantly change your life in better side, while others you wrote just for show. Take a critical look at the resulting diagram and you will see a complete picture of the situation. Sometimes only such a cold calculation helps.
Take a piece of paper and a pen and jot down the pros and cons of each option, and then evaluate what is a serious flaw and what can be tolerated.
Don't be afraid to make decisions that don't work for your family, friends, and coworkers. If you feel that a particular choice will bring you more happiness than another, for which others advocate, do as you see fit. Only you will have to live with this, as, in principle, and be disappointed (if it suddenly happens) - you will also have to do it alone. But you will not blame others for pushing you to the wrong decision. You alone are responsible for your life.
Each of us sometimes needs to make difficult choices. We ask ourselves questions: what is better to choose, how to make the right choice, and what if? .. We find a lot of answers and still cannot decide.
These questions also tormented me and tore me apart until I heard the phrase:
“Before, he could not make a choice, because he did not know what would happen next. Now he knows what will happen and therefore cannot make a choice. " © Mr. Nobody
These words of the protagonist of the film "Mister Nobody" became an inspiration for me. This is genius: it is difficult for us to choose, not because we do not know what will happen, but because it is difficult for us to refuse something. Choice is always a rejection of something in favor of an alternative. No matter how much you think, no matter how much you weigh and calculate your moves, it’s easier not to become. You still have to give up something.
You will say that sometimes we choose between what is and what is new. I disagree. Even if we choose what we already have, for example, to stay in this job, instead of changing to a new one, we still choose for mythical perspectives. Otherwise, if everything were fine, the very question of choice would not have been.
Let me explain in more detail, we want to change something in life when we do not like it. For example, work. The boss is a goat, there is no career growth, the salary has been lowered due to the crisis, naturally there is a desire to change the situation. And we start looking for work, and here the gracious Universe gives us such an opportunity, we are invited for an interview, one thing is different ...
And here there are two options for choosing: either we choose between new offers and here we can only imagine what opportunities and privileges we will have in this or that company. And choosing one, we abandon the prospects of the other. That is, we are afraid of losing what we do not have.
There is another option, when the employer somehow sideways senses that we can leave and promises to improve conditions. An important detail, the improvement is only being discussed, in practice they are not yet available... And here again we fall into this trap. “Damn, what to choose? If the chef does what he says, then it’s not bad for me here either, although there are more prospects at that job, it’s more interesting, but there is a foreign team and further from home… ”And that was it… it started. We live again about what we have not yet.
And on the one hand, precisely by wanting to have what we do not have yet, we grow and develop, and on the other hand, we suffer in a situation of choice. Where does this Plyushkin live in each of us?
But he certainly is, look at your apartment right now and think that it is high time to throw out what is in the closets, on the balcony or on the mezzanine? I am sure that everyone has something. Sorting through the closet, we put ourselves before a choice: leave it or throw it away? So what's the difficulty ?? Is it a pity to throw it away?
No, it's a pity not because this thing is useful to us, but because it may be useful! That is, again, this is the unwillingness to lose the opportunity, to lose what is not there. After all, in fact, we do not use this thing. , in the near future we will definitely not need it, otherwise the issue would not have been discarded. And so, maybe someday ...
Why is it so difficult to give up something? It seems to us that if we give it up now, then we will never be able to get this chance back. There are even tons of films that revolve around the same theory: such a chance is given only once in a lifetime, and if you do not use it, then you are a fool!
I beg to differ. Quite recently, I discovered this a way to deal with tough choices ... So, let's think logically: if in each option there is something that I do not want to give up, then this is extremely valuable to me ! It is very important to determine what is so valuable in this proposal. What perspective do we see for ourselves, what desire or need do we want to satisfy? Once we understand this, it will become much clearer.
Anna BasisEvery day a person needs to make a decision. Some are easy: choose a white or blue shirt, skirt or trousers. Simple solutions are selected automatically, depending on the mood, situation.
A completely different picture develops when the question arises of how to make the right choice between two men, change jobs or. A person is tormented by doubts, indecision and the likelihood of making a mistake.
How to choose between two men?
The most unpredictable thing in the world is the relationship between a man and a woman. Sometimes events unfold in such a way that the question arises: how to make a choice between two men? There are coincidences of circumstances, and you can't blame your soul mate for this.
Most often, the choice is between love and practicality. The girl loves the guy, wants to live with him all her life and have children, but he does not make an offer for 2-3 years. On the way, there is a young man who worships and is ready to go to the registry office even tomorrow. Whom to choose? A man you know and love or young man whose dreams are similar to your goals in life.
You meet a guy, you love him immensely, and he methodically scoffs and spits on good attitude... At this moment, another appears, so caring, gentle, ready to groom and cherish. Which relationship to choose: marry a loving and gallant or hope for the best?
There are many similar stories and making the right choice is often "torture". After all, feelings are feelings and they cannot be guided, just like you cannot stop breathing.
Stop calling and answering messages. A week will be enough to determine which relationship choices to make.
If only the choice between 2 men will save the day, then it is worth making an informed decision, the mistakes of which you will not regret. Appreciate all the positive and negative qualities partners with an eye on a serious relationship.
Does a man want to have a family and children, or does he have plans for a bachelor life?
What can one partner give material and mental, and what is lacking for future happiness?
How much can disadvantages be changed so that they turn into advantages?
If the guy does not have experience in bed, then fixable. Such an experience necessarily comes with time. If a young man is too tongue-tied and does not know how to beautifully give compliments, look after, then it can hardly be corrected. Charm comes from nature, and if this is important to you, make a choice in favor of a young man whom nature has generously rewarded. Compliant or, conversely, a quick-tempered character? It is unlikely to change over time, if only for the worse. Evaluate the qualities of each of the two applicants, and the more there are, the smarter the choice you will make.
The right choice in life
It is easiest to assess the prevailing circumstances and make a choice in a calm atmosphere, in comfortable conditions... State the situation clearly and write it on a piece of paper. It may be a question: "what kind of job or?", "Which man to choose?" This can be a statement: “I want to live independently from my parents!”, “I want to find a new living space!”. Add explanatory words:
how much are you counting on;
what time frame do you set for yourself?
Think about who from your loved ones or acquaintances can influence your choice. Divide the sheet into two halves and label each one according to your options. List the pros and cons of each option in the columns. Write down the number of possible losses and the level of risk.
When everything is written down on paper, it seems that the choice is ready, but listen to your doubts. If there are too many of them, contact relatives, friends, or older acquaintances whom you trust. Tell us in detail about positive aspects cases and doubts that are terrifying.
Be sure to discuss potential life changes with your parents and those they will affect. After all, these people need to know what is happening and they have the right to accept and contribute.
How to make the right decision?
Making a decision is difficult and exacerbated by the understanding that a mistake can be costly. As a child, the dream of a lifesaver seemed like a way out for all decisions. But we grow, and along with this comes the realization that this is a fabulous object that has nothing to do with reality. But the subconscious exists and it is it that is able to tell you how to make the right choice between men, in work or profession.
The best way to think about choices is evening time, before bedtime. The day's worries and worries are left behind, the body relaxes, the tension gradually disappears, and the breathing becomes calm. Think back to the problem and think about what solutions are available. Make a choice in your thoughts and imagine how you will feel, what kind of people will stay with you, what will happen.
The subconscious is a resource that leads through life. It manifests itself in the form of images, feelings. Having made a choice in your mind, listen to what emotions are overwhelming? Do you feel a surge of new strength or depression and heaviness? Sometimes the impulses of the subconscious are manifested in the form of real temperature or pain sensations:
the right side of the body - yes;
the left side is not.
Listen to your friends, brother, sister, parents, listen to your intuition, and you will definitely make the right choice.
15 February 2014Today we will talk about such a problem - in our research we have stated it as a problem of personally meaningful choice - for more simple language one might say: a vital choice problem.
The fact is that not all elections we can attribute to such vital ones. It's not about choosing, say, a purchase or a problem where to go today. In the area of our attention is the so-called turning point of life, when a person finds himself at a crossroads, when a lot of things in the future may depend on the decision he makes.
The most simple examples here there may be decisions about marriage or divorce, about whether to maintain a relationship or leave, maybe even a decision when people think about adopting a foster child or not, decisions about changing a profession, etc.
Now this is a fairly common situation when people who have worked in one field for many years, already at a fairly mature age go to get a second, sometimes a third higher education, they sometimes face a difficult experience when, for example, you have worked well for many years. bank, and then suddenly you want to do psychotherapy. It is completely incomprehensible how it will all be, scary, but I seem to want to.
The problem of personally meaningful choice is a topic scientific research, which were carried out for several years, including during my active participation... Since we are not having a scientific conference here, I will not talk about the methods, sampling, how we did it, I will try to talk directly about the results that can be useful in our everyday life.
And first of all, these will be the results of a study that we conducted with colleagues Dmitry Drozdov, Polina Merkulova and Natalia Polyakova, relying largely on the approach developed by prof. Fedor Efimovich Vasilyuk.
Today we will talk about the stages of the process - the stages through which a person goes when faced with a vital choice, as well as some patterns of the choice process.
The agony of choice
Some of you may be standing at such a crossroads right now and want to accept important decision, someone may have had it in the past. And you can remember how sometimes painful and difficult this process is, what are its obvious manifestations.
People behave very differently. Someone is inclined to frantically make at least some decisions, just to close this topic, to decide at least something, to do something, calm down and move on. But such quick, jerky, unwearied decisions sometimes do not give true comfort. A person decides one thing, then another - back and forth. This can take quite a long time. The main thing is that there is no reconciliation, such an understanding: "Yes, this is what you need!"
More often, there is another strategy, when a person pulls for a very long time and finds many reasons not to make a choice. You know, the fear of being wrong, the fear of what I’ll do now, it will somehow be wrong, it is so strong that it’s just not to feel it, only to escape from this fear, and also from the potential feeling of guilt: “If I am here I will do as I want, but the other person will feel bad, he will suffer. How so? I have to take care of my neighbor, which means that I cannot afford to do what I want. Oh horror ... ”- and then it is better not to decide at all. And more often we are dealing with a strategy of such a departure from decision-making.
Sometimes it's in church environment can acquire such fine forms, a person can persuade himself, say: "I surrender to the will of God, let the Lord rule Himself."
This can be a very mature position, when a person really does something himself and at the same time very genuinely gives it to God. But more often we see such an infantile shifting of responsibility, so that you do not do anything yourself, in order to postpone and not make decisions, you can come up with a variety of excuses for yourself, one of them may even be religious, very good-looking.
What is a productive selection process?
What becomes a criterion for us that a choice has been made or not? What is a sign that I am on the right track now as I move in this decision-making process, and what is a sign that I am going somewhere wrong?
This question was important for us, including within the framework of the study, because we had to separate out the selection processes, which we called productive or, conditionally, in everyday life, these are “good” choices. And separately we needed to single out the unproductive, or such "bad" ones, in order to be able to compare the patterns of those and other choices in the study.
And the results turned out to be a little bit unexpected for us when we found some criteria - sometimes they may seem paradoxical - criteria of a still productive selection process.
At first, we thought that productive choices are those that the person himself estimates for himself as the right ones. That is, you ask a person: “You once did something. Do you think you did the right thing? " - "Yes". And at first we calmed down on this, we thought that this was enough, that if the person himself says “yes” - it was the right decision for him, this means that the choice was made really well, from a psychological point of view.
But then it turned out in the process of a long research work, which, it turns out, is not always the case. A person surprisingly knows how to "deceive" himself, without noticing it, hide some things that torment him, sincerely believe that everything is fine, but something else sits inside ...
And before we move further in understanding the differences between "good" and "bad" choices, it is important to say a somewhat theoretical, but fundamental thing for us, that the problem of vital choice is always the problem of intrapersonal conflict... And this is a very important position on which many further reflections will be based.
Man stands at a crossroads. And he thinks - and this is a very important and theoretical moment, and then he will have a very important for us practical significance- the person thinks that he chooses something- one path of life or another path of life.
What does a person usually do when he has to make a choice? What advice is usually given to a person in difficult situation what is usually recommended to do?
–Write down the pros and cons ...
–Make lists of pros and cons ...
Great, you guessed right the first time. Do you practice this? Does it help?
–No.
And we came to exactly this point in our research. Look, it is no coincidence that you immediately said with the first answer: write down the pros and cons... And it usually doesn't work. It helps if you choose a model washing machine or a cell phone, then yes. But when my life is on the line, and I apply a strategy to it, as if I were choosing something lying outside , just like some subject, it doesn't work. Why?
One of the important, fundamental theoretical points: in a situation of vital choice, a person chooses not something outside of his lying, not any objects or objects, he actually chooses himself - yourself who will be here (walking along one path), or yourself who will be here (walking along the other path). That is why the strategy of plus and minus signs does not work. But it is interesting that she is very popular.
Before that, we talked about the criteria for a productive, "good" choice. So, surprisingly it turned out that a good choice- not only the one that I later evaluate as correct, but the one that leads to the removal of the conflict, to the resolution of the conflict... Only when this internal contradiction inside me is removed, we can say that the choice is made productively and well.
In our research, we had such an example when a person talks about a once perfect choice, many years ago, and very confidently says: “Yes, I don’t regret it.” It was a serious decision, the woman wanted to get divorced and go to another man, but still stayed with her husband in marriage, and many years have passed, she says: “I do not regret, the choice is right.”
But in the process of this interview, she begins to cry, rather strong emotional experiences are activated in her, and upon closer examination, it became clear to us that, in fact, the internal conflict has not been removed. Although the situation is complete, the person evaluates the choice as correct, the conflict is not removed. And this tells us that the choice was made unproductive.
The paradox of "good" choice - go into acute pain!
Quite running ahead, I will tell you the most, probably, the culminating thing, which is not easy for us in life and for psychotherapy too. Usually, in a difficult situation, a person wants relief, calming, and improvement - this is good and natural. But, in this case, paradoxically, sometimes, in order to make a breakthrough in a situation of choice, so that the conflict disappears, we need to go through a particularly intensified sharpening of this conflict. And what does it mean? It means going through serious pain, maybe through very excruciating, acute experiences.
The agony of choice is also different. It's one thing, I sit and suffer: “Well, what is there? We need this, we need that ... Well, okay, I'll think about it tomorrow, I need to sleep with this ... ”- well, somehow it all drags on, you know, it can drag on for years. It hurts slightly and lasts. And sometimes it happens when it is already very acute.
Sometimes such acuteness is provoked by some external circumstances, when they push us, force us, when it is no longer possible not to choose, and then the most real suffering begins, then a very serious breakdown begins, very serious experiences, the conflict escalates to the limit. And then a fundamental qualitative leap takes place when the conflict is removed and the choice is made.
This may be the most main secret how productive it is to make a choice - whether to run away from pain. Most of the strategies that we use in a situation of choice are aimed at anesthesia, to relieve this tension, remove pain, worry less. This is understandable from a human point of view, but, surprisingly, we saw that blurring, gluing, closing the eyes, softening interferes with the productive process of choice.
Three Differences Between Productive Choices and Non-productive Choices
You can list three criteria that indicate that the choice is really productive:
1) Acute emotional state just before making a decision... It is interesting that, as a rule, all these choices, which people assess as correct, and we assess as productive, there was this peak of a very sharp emotional state... One subject here describes it this way: “ Capital letters I was pounding in my head that I couldn't go on like this, that something would probably happen to me, that I, I don't know, would go crazy, I would get terribly ill, because I could no longer live like this. ” “It was really the limit,” said another person. That is, the edge when it is no longer possible this way.
2) The second sign of productive elections - we called it phenomenology of correct decisions- that is some signs of what happens to a person after making a productive choice... And if you had it in experience, you went through the throes of choice, then you can remember what comes next. This is an amazing state of special freedom, such lightness, a mountain off your shoulders.
It's just that, even bodily, it manifests itself in the fact that such freedom appears in the shoulders, for someone right, wings almost grow out of sensations. “Doubts disappeared, courage and confidence appeared, fear decreased, somehow it became calm,” - I am quoting some of the statements of our subjects. "Confidence, it feels like it should be, no doubt about it." The completeness of the absolute “yes” arises. It is such a “yes” on the exhale, calm, when there is simply no anxiety or any acute experiences.
3) And the third point, which usually people themselves do not specifically track until you ask them. But if you look closely, you can find that after doing this the right choice certain personality changes, the person changes: I before and I after - this is a different person. I became different, due to the fact that I made this decision, I myself have somehow changed. When a person overcomes a serious crisis, the same intrapersonal conflict, if it is possible to get out of it, the conflict is removed, a transition is made to a new stage of development.
Stages and stages of the process of personally meaningful choice
Depending on what stage a person is at, you can give some recommendations, understand what is better to do now. The stages in this case are in the nature of a mandatory sequence, the stages can proceed in a different order. It was allocated three stages, the second of which includes four stages.
1) The first stage - prehistory of choice when there is some general dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs. At this stage, the person does not yet think that this is a situation of choice. He just feels some kind of dissatisfaction, something is not right. Relationships, for example, are getting worse and worse. And even if sometime before thoughts of parting came, now they may come a little more often, but a person does not seriously put himself before a choice. Well, who in marriage does not periodically think about divorce, who does not happen to, right? This is not a reason to get divorced right away. Therefore, a person shrugs it off a little, he does not experience it as the fact that this is already a challenge, that it is already a need to solve something.
2) Then the following: if this dissatisfaction accumulates, grows, if at the first stage these dissatisfaction is not removed, then the person goes to second phase- already directly actualization of the situation of choice... Or - let's say very much important thing – actualization of intrapersonal conflict... And due to certain factors, internal or external, the choice now becomes apparent. A person already seriously understands that, yes, something already needs to be done. But there is still no such severity when "I cannot do otherwise!" But the choice clearly sounds in the mind.
And in this second stage, four stages can be distinguished, they can proceed in a different sequence, that is, a person can move from one stage to another and back several times.
2 A) When the actualization of our choice has already arisen, what happens first? Here's your favorite about the pros and cons to write out - consideration of alternatives ... That is, at first the person realized that he was already choosing between “A” and “B”, and then he considers, compares, weighs the alternatives. And at this stage, this strategy of writing down the pros and cons is very often used.
And at this stage reasons for choosing as a person seems to lie outside the person himself... That is, these pros and cons, they do not concern me, they relate to what I choose. I think: this job has the following advantages: salary, good boss, travel distance; and this work has such and such disadvantages. At this moment I still do not think about myself, because, as we said, the focus of attention is not directed inward, the person thinks that he is choosing something externally.
The process of experiencing here proceeds in a circle: consideration of alternatives - no way out - an attempt to reduce negative experiences (different strategies are used, often - withdrawal, attempts to rid oneself of the conflict) - return to the consideration of alternatives. It's hard. And in an amicable way - it would be necessary to reach the peak. But who wants that? Therefore, when a person gets into some dead end, he further tries to reduce his feelings so that it does not torment him sharply, to switch somewhere, etc.
And it is interesting that in productive elections this excruciating experience and actualization of the conflict are more expressed, rather than avoiding it. Of course, fear of the new is also expressed, it seems to a person that “I cannot cope, I cannot”. And he can bring up some arguments in favor of the old life.
I’m talking a little about strategies: a very convenient strategy so that you don’t make a choice is build on external obstacles... Here favourite hobby... Well, of course, maybe I would like to, but what about me? The conditions are such that I cannot. Of course, I would have dreamed of becoming so-and-so, but I will not be able to enter a university, because now people are admitted only through pull. Well, I’m still many years old, and it doesn’t make sense anymore, who will be there with me? Well, in general, I live far away, to travel - I will not run over. That is, a person, in order not to make a choice, drags in external circumstances, as if it were causes to not make a choice. Although, in fact, it is only motives.
That is, a person persuades himself to leave everything as it is. Because it’s very scary to go into something new. And here the more anxiety we have, the more "desire" to leave everything as before. But what does this mean in terms of internal conflict? A person has an intention, he wants something new. And fear motivates: leave everything as before. Arguments are dragged along: leave everything as before. And it may turn out that this sprout "wants something new" will be completely suppressed, amputated, extinguished, and the person will calm himself down, say: "Well, yes, it is ..."
And he can also bring some religious arguments here: “It is the will of God to leave everything as it is,” so as to completely calm down. But calmness does not come, this is the problem, because the conflict is not removed. Removed one of the parties to the conflict. But if I remove one of the parties to the conflict, it does not mean that I am shooting the conflict. I remove it artificially, not for real, then it comes out anyway.
This is the problem - it is very important to keep both sides of the conflict, it is very important to hold on to both alternatives that torment. Because if, I repeat, we only allow ourselves to live on one side, and push the other side according to the ostrich policy, then there is no productive movement.
In a productive selection process, the person moves on to the next stage.
2 B) Introducing yourself in the future , imagining different alternatives... A very important thing, not everyone gets it, and this is also a fundamental point. Very often, as we said, writing out the pluses and minuses concerns, for example, the choice of a husband: Vasya - such “for” and “against”, and Petya - he has such “for” and “against”. But somehow I don't think what will happen to me when I live with one for 20 years, and what will happen to me, - not with him, how wonderful he is, - but with me, when I live with another for 20 years. For some reason, few people ask this question, but sometimes such people are also found.
That is, it is very important to still allow yourself this representation of yourself in the future for both alternatives. And this is a very important strategy - it is the presentation of yourself in the future, here keyword: myself. Because people often imagine the future. For example, a neighbor on the bench even advises: “Just imagine, you quit, what will happen? You will not have money, what will you feed the child with? " - and the person seems to represent the future. It's very close, it's better than the pros and cons.
You can, of course, imagine the future, but its structure does not differ much from the pros and cons, because it is important, when imagining the future, to imagine yourself: who will I be who made this choice, and who will I who made another choice. And technically, this can be done just literally in the imagination, living a piece of life, maybe even several years in advance, but with a focus on yourself. Not on it, not on money, not on circumstances, not on children, but on myself: who will I be when I live this or that piece of life.
This stage 2 B is the stage of presenting oneself in the future - not everyone reaches it, I repeat, usually it was lived by those people who came to a productive choice at the exit.
And at the peak of this self-image in the future, a person can get to the next stage:
2 B) which we named value insight ... Maybe the term itself is not so important now, but this is a kind of peak, the very culmination. It is experienced emotionally, like an explosion, because these are the very acute experiences that I already spoke about today, when it is simply impossible to continue, and it can be experienced hard and bodily, a person can even get sick. In general, the conflict escalates to the limit.
And then, oddly enough, this was also a surprise for us in the process of our research and such an important result that if a person passes this peak, then a decision comes by itself ... It was not me who sat and thought and decided, especially with my head. The head is not the best organ here. This is not because I really weighed everything completely and presented myself in the future. And there is some kind of turning point, a transition, a pass, when I was tormented, tormented, and then suddenly - once, and I understood everything.
It was a godsend for us, because we usually think that I make a choice... And in psychology we say: the subject, the personality makes a choice, how important it is in personal development… And here we are talking, of course, about a person, but this culmination point, as it were, makes a choice for me. Something happens by itself, with a click, an instantaneous act, suddenly an inspiration. It can last from a few seconds to several hours. That is, it doesn't last a week, usually some kind of very quick understanding. Sometimes called aha-experience, however, in relation to the process of finding solutions to creative problems.
But when we now say that the decision comes by itself, and it is not we who make the choice, this, of course, does not mean that we are not doing anything. We've done a lot before. We experienced all the previous, imagining ourselves in the future, we experienced this sharp peak, torment, so that later it would all happen. And after the peak and value insight - stage 2 B - the person already quite quickly and calmly moves to the stage
2 G) when just experiencing this phenomenology correct decision , which we talked about: this is lightness, freedom, joy, there is no doubt, all the wonderful fruits of a well-made choice do not take long, they visit a person quite quickly, because such a “yes” really comes, understanding that it’s right now, and in another way it is simply not necessary.
These four stages of the second stage may not necessarily proceed in this sequence, but when the decision is made, the person moves on to the last - third stage.
3) The third stage is the implementation of the decision. There is very essential close environment plays. Often, both external circumstances and people around, especially close ones, are an obstacle to a person's movement towards his true choice. And if a person gets stuck in the previous stages, then he often relies heavily on other people. Says: “Well, mom doesn't want to, I won't go. All the girlfriends say that this is undignified - okay, I won't. " Based on the opinions of significant other people.
And when this second phase with insight is lived through, then the person miraculously goes against the flow. No doubt about it. And this is not experienced as some kind of rudeness, or arrogance, or something bad, it is experienced as something very corresponding to me. There is even no conflict with loved ones at times. This, of course, already depends on the relatives, the topic of codependency comes up here, but this is a separate conversation.
A little more about the patterns of the productive selection process
1) A situation of choice, when it develops gradually, and the conflict gradually matures, and with a productive process of choice external circumstances become not the reasons for the conflict, but the reasons only for its actualization... Often, with an unproductive choice strategy, a person thinks a lot about external circumstances. He thinks: “it's all because he…”, “it's all because I don't live there” - the country, school, parents are to blame, the circumstances are as follows. And there is a lot of talk about the circumstances. With a productive strategy, circumstances fade into the background. They may be reasons of some kind, but they are not reasons for making a choice.
Often, when clients come with problems of choice, it is not he who comes, but the polyphony of his environment. Here is a man sits down: “Mom said it was. And the husband thinks so. But I read this in the article. And my friends said like this. But with my neighbor - so ”. - “Well, good, good, and You what do you want? " - “Well, I don’t know how, what…” That is, the lack of hearing oneself, understanding what is important to me is one of the serious strategies, but at the same time the patterns of unproductive choice. Accordingly, it is important to focus on oneself, and not on external circumstances. It is very important to ask this question: who will I be doing this action, and who will I be making another decision.
2) It is the productive processes of choice that are accompanied by heavy anguish., surprisingly. This heaviness, despair, fear, anxiety, sometimes some kind of rage, very strong mental pain... A person may even experience the alienation of himself from existing life... And such a depressive state, quite painful: this life does not suit me, it is impossible to stay in it. Although it has some objective advantages.
This is especially evident with the change of work. Since I have many friends of psychologists, I have observed when people from another profession come to psychology. A man sat in a bank, in a business environment, received good salary, everything was going very well for him, and this stability keeps him - the salary keeps, such a track, when everything is already known, also holds. And the soul can no longer, it cannot withstand this internal conflict, I really want to do something else.
I even know people who, from a very successful social environment, give up everything and go, for example, to the sisters of mercy, to a monastery, go into social service. And when we talk about the laws of the productive process of choice, then this experience - “I can't, it's just the bottom, it's so unbearable”, it happens very often.
3) Completeness of this relief after as a sign of movement towards good choices.
4) And this amazing phenomenon - involuntary moment of turning point of choice... And even my colleagues and I many years ago already laughed that, in fact, there is no choice, it's just that a person is either moving towards what should have happened to me then, or he is not moving towards it. When I say this, colleagues usually start to argue strongly. We stood on freedom of will, freedom of choice, freedom of the subject, and I do not argue with this, but simply from practice I say that in an amazing way the choice seems to be made by myself, as if I, as an active subject, do not participate in it.
There are other patterns of the productive process of choice, I just listed here some of the main ones that can be especially important for us for practice.
You can say a few words about the patterns of the unproductive selection process. Because quite often we also meet with this. Once imperfect choices can be a burden that we drag along with us, like this respondent, about whom I said: “The choice has been made, everything is great, I don’t regret it,” but there is still something sitting there, still the conflict is not removed. And it is important, even if many years have passed, to return to that situation, to internally live it anew, so as not to walk with this conflict, as with an extra burden inside oneself.
1) If we talk about the patterns of the unproductive process of choice, then we can say that, accordingly, there are no personal changes... That is, a person seems to have made a choice, but he does not change within himself. This is due, among other things, to the fact that he did not choose himself, but something lying outside himself, due to the fact that the crisis with this peak was not passed.
2) Emotions, feelings, experiences at all stages of the selection process, which we assess as unproductive, they not so strong and deep they more superficial. Irritation and dissatisfaction dominate. But no peak.
During productive elections, when people enter this region, they say that “this is not my life, I cannot continue to live like this. I am different, this life does not correspond to me, life needs to be changed ”. With unproductive elections, there is not even such an experience: well, mine, not mine - even this question is not raised. There is no such peak with impossibility.
3) With unproductive elections external circumstances become precisely the reason for the choice(not a reason). Since inside this conflict does not mature to the end, a person may artificially find himself in the need to choose. He is pressed just by something: quit or stay, quit or something like that. And external circumstances push him to a decision. He makes a choice not because he has already matured inside, but because just external circumstances are already so tight and you are forced to make this choice. And even, maybe, the person does not regret it later, he says: yes, good, great. But he was not active there, it was not he who made this decision.
4) AND no apparent resistance to significant others... We said that a person goes ahead, he goes against the stream when a "good" choice is made. In case of unproductive elections, the weight of the importance of authority and other people is high, and you want to be in some kind of compromise all the time, so that both ours and yours will be happy. Very often people describe it this way: only so that there is no conflict, only to keep the peace. There is such an illusion of this world, because this is at the cost of stepping on one's own throat and extinguishing an internal conflict.
5) AND No this bright phenomenology of decision making with unproductive elections. Relief, as I said, some comes, but the fullness of this relief - this ease, joy - does not happen.
Questions:
– Presenting yourself in the future in these situations - how to do it correctly? And is it not a fantasy that we fantasize for ourselves, it does not always turn out to be true, right? How is it so correct, objectively to do as much as possible, so that it would help, there would be no spiritual delights later in fantasizing: I will make a choice - and so it will be.
- It's hard for me to talk about spiritual delights - I'm on the psychological plane here. I, of course, easily say: you have to imagine yourself in the future. But in fact, I'm talking mainly about psychotherapeutic practice, when in the joint work of the client and the psychologist in special ways, this living of the future is carried out by special methods. Probably, you can do it yourself. I even think you can. What dangers can there be?
You said such a word - objectivity. Of course, I don't know anything about objectivity. What are we doing? Are we wondering about the future? We do not know how it will be, but the point is not to live the future as it really will be, this is not the point. The point is that when I imagine myself in a few years, what I will be like, if I make this choice, then due to this amplification some truth is revealed more, which is now implicitly hidden in this alternative.
They marry an alcoholic and think: now he will stop drinking because he loves me, but he promised me that when he gets married, he will stop drinking. And if there was psychotherapy, then, living this future, we would say: what if it doesn't stop? And then day after day, a year will pass, and a few more years will pass, you live with this person, and then 2020 comes, maybe you will have children, or maybe not. And the year 2025 comes, and you live with this person. Perhaps he drinks as much as he does now, or maybe not. Maybe more, maybe less. AND who are you Then? What are you at the exit?
There are special tricks. It’s probably difficult for me to translate them into self-help techniques now. But consistent experience is important. It is very difficult to immediately imagine yourself in 2025. And it is important to live this path gradually. At first, it is recommended to live the first days, first in great detail, then, perhaps, this step can be temporarily strengthened. First - right every day, then - every month, then imagine, snap off the years. And on the way out, you must definitely come to the idea of your “I”. Who am I, a person living this life? Who am I, the one that implements this plan, the one that follows this life path? This is an important point.
– I am a foundling and I was carried to Orphanage, and then foster parents took me. Mom is domineering, you know. Dad is soft, beloved. She instilled in me that, poor, if I got married, my husband would be over the head with a ladle on the first day ... And, you know, I am still not married, I have no children. I have two higher education, but I am still terrified that I am a completely insecure person. Now I almost disrupted the work at the monastery. I refused, I said that I would not do it, because that’s all, I’m a mediocrity, I’m nobody ...
- Thank you for your sincerity, you can hear a lot of pain in your personal story, which seems to be breaking through now ... It is interesting that this is not the first time this happens - what topic you should not read a lecture on, but a question arises all the time about the lack of parental love, about childhood traumas, about how I was once treated earlier, in childhood, my parents, how it now affects me, my life. The person, apparently, has been in the Church for a long time, and you are already many years old, but still ...
This is absolutely not the topic of today's report, but I never cease to wonder how relevant it is, and for me now your words sound, perhaps, as another argument in favor of my so far very personal thoughts ... I have ideas on how to it would be to make groups of prayer and psychotherapy, dedicated specifically to working with childhood traumas, primarily from their own parents. It is I who share my ideas with you, they have not yet been worked out for me at all. It's just that every time you come to talk somewhere, it comes out, and I see it on almost every first client in psychotherapy.
– Or maybe there is a succession, when you go with the flow, you understand: I don't care - I just go with the flow, and then there are a series of such choices: one ended, the second began, in different areas? One - with her husband, with relatives - the second, socially, with friends - and everywhere it is: one ended, the other began. Or is it one unresolved one?
- If I understood you correctly, maybe both. It may be that this is a sequential series of different choices ... But it may be that there is one conflict, it may be such a trick, one intrapersonal conflict. For example, the conflict between allowing yourself to be yourself, or following the opinions of others is a very common story. And this conflict can gradually escalate.
A person wants to be himself, and then he begins to realize him, act out on the material different situations... First, I’ll go against, I don’t know, my mother-in-law, because I want to realize myself. Then: I will make a choice - I will go to live separately. Then: I'll go get a new profession. Then I'll go do something else. It seems that different elections, but in fact a person implements the same strategy of internal conflict, which is still alive, this is the problem of dependence or freedom, for example.